So You Think You Can Dance: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!

On tonight’s So You Think You Can Dance (dance…..dance)….DISASTER!!!!!!! And no, I’m not talking about Cat’s continued inability to locate her hair brush.

Seriously, Cat?  It’s time to buy a new one.

It’s actually not as bad as it has been; maybe she just needs to buy some frizz ease or something.

It’s during the dancer intros that I first realize something is wrong.  Each dancer comes out for their little intro mini dance…..except……where is Alex?!?!?!?!?  Nonononononono, where the hell is he?

WTF?!?!?!?!?!?!?

Instead of cutting right to the chase, Cat reminds us AGAIN that we are live.  YES WE KNOW, Cat!  Now where the fuck is Alex?!?!?!?!

Cat tells us that each dancer will be performing twice tonight, first with an all star they haven’t danced with yet, and then with one of their competitors.  Yes, we all remember Nigel telling us that last week.  Get to Alex please!!

Are you fucking serious?  Now she’s introducing us to the judges.  I am going to hurt her.  Now, finally, she’s getting to Alex.  OH FUCK.  He’s hurt.

Nooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Cat says the doctors will not let Alex perform tonight and she asks Nigel what’s going to happen now.  Nigel tells us they are waiting for the results of Alex’s MRI.  At best, he’s not performing this week.  Worst?  He could be out for the season.  They think it’s a ruptured Achilles tendon.  Fuuuuuuck.  That is not good, not good at all.  Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.

So, Alex will automatically be in the bottom three and in danger of being sent home.  And if he can’t perform next week, he will be out of the competition for the season.  I really hope it’s not his Achilles tendon because I will be heartbroken if he has to drop out of the season.

But, the show must go on, and so must the recap.  We flashback to after the results show last week so we can see the random picks of all stars that the contestants have never danced with.  Oh, and it’s so crazy because their other partner is assigned at the same time.  So weird because given the fact the pick is random how could they know that the person on the card with the all star wouldn’t be the person actually picking that all star?  Good thing it all worked out in the end, huh?

Lauren picks first and she gets cha cha with Pasha and contemporary with Kent.  He gets Comfort and hip hop for his all star dance.  Robert picks next, and he’s back to being his old annoying self.

He gets jazz with Kathryn and quickstep with Ashley.  She gets hip hop with Dominic.  Ashley tells us Robert is a fun person to be around and he works really hard.

At being annoying!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ugh.  Can we just vote him off now?

Adechike gets jazz with Courtney and Bollywood with Alex (sniff), and Alex would have had a fox trot with Anya.  Jose and Billy are the only ones left, so they are dancing together doing African jazz.  Jose also gets to dance a contemporary piece with the devil, while Billy gets Allison for Broadway.

Billy tells us he’s not looking forward to Jose’s ADD in rehearsal because all he can talk about is the devil’s butt.  Apparently she has a hot ass.  Not surprising given the fact that she is FROM HELL.

Jose!  Resist temptation!

I have one question:  WHERE THE HELL IS MARK?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?  He’s off again this week?  What a crock of shit.

Time to get down to it.  First up will be Lauren and Pasha’s cha cha, choreographed by Jean-Marc and France.  The only thing Lauren knows about the cha cha is that it’s supposed to be hot.  Is it just me or does Pasha totally cop a feel during rehearsals?

Looks like a boob grab to me.

Maybe it was accidental; Lauren doesn’t seem to be bothered by it.  Although I know I wouldn’t be bothered if Pasha wanted to grab my boob.

I think Lauren did an okay job here.  Honestly, I thought it needed more hip action, but other than that, it was well danced.  She is the first girl this season to dance with Pasha and at least keep up with him.

Nigel loved it.  Duh.  His boner also loved it.  He says she was not a little girl up there dancing; she was a full bodied woman.

And I just wanted to grab that woman’s boobies.

Mia points out that her costume stayed on this week which prompts Nigel to say there were some bad points to the routine.  He is so fucking disgusting.  Perv.

Back to Mia who thinks the routine was “Pure murderation.”  Huh?  I wish she would stop muderating the English language.  She thinks Lauren was hot and it was perfect.  Or perfectoration as I like to call it.

Adam thinks what little of the costume was there Lauren made work.  He goes on to talk about how hot and smoldering and sexy she was, so basically none of them are going to talk about the dancing, just about how hot Lauren is.  Can we dump cold water on all of them?  Until they drown?  Thanks.

We now move on to Jose, the devil, and Mandy Moore.  Mandy tells us this routine is about soul mates.  The devil wants him to get really into it, and he does seem to enjoy grabbing her ass and boobs during rehearsal.  Run, Jose, run!  She wants to eat your soul!

Wow.  Mandy Moore did a great job of giving Jose absolutely nothing to do.  Bravo, Mandy.  I mean, you all know I like the guy, but give me a break.  He lifted Lauren.  And did a cartwheel and one of his b-boy stops.  Oh, sorry, and walked around the stage.  He did a great job at walking.

Nigel asks Jose how it felt to dance with the devil.  He says it felt amazing which prompts Nigel to tell him he looked amazing.  Why he’s even now pointing his toes!  I know!  Major accomplishment.  Just hand him the title now, okay?

Mia thinks more people, including herself, should look to be more like Jose.  She says he has a lack of ego, and a lack of anything but an open heart. She always says if your spirit dances your body will follow.

And if you have a black soul you will be a nasty bitch like me

Oh.  Sorry.  I’m getting a little ahead of myself here, aren’t I?

Adam thinks that Mandy played to every one of Jose’s strengths.  His passion, his commitment, his uninhibited spirit, and that is why they praise him week after week.  He thinks Jose has become one of the most beloved people on the show.

And you have become one of the most useless.

Next up are Kent and Comfort dancing a Dave Scott hip hop.  Dave says Kent gets the beat but his face looks scared, so he needs to get his face to do what his body is doing.

Ummmm…..yeah.  I did not like this dance at all.  This was more pop than hip hop.  I mean, the music didn’t help that feel, but this was even lighter than the most vanilla Tabitha and Napoleon hip hop number.  One thing that did work:  the hat.  It hid the Kent’s face during the dance.  So I guess, bravo costume people?  That feels odd.

Cat calls him a little Justin Timberlake.  Yup.  Thanks for proving my point, Cat.  I mean no one is really going to tell me that Timberlake is a hip hop beast, are they?

Nigel though the routine was terrific; it was like a soft hop.  Yes, a flaccid hip hop, what a perfect description, Nigel.  Of course when I say it I don’t mean it as a compliment.  He loves that Kent didn’t overact it, and he loved the musicality of it, specifically citing how even the spank was on the beat.  Great.  Now we’re getting pervy comments from him during the guys’ critiques as well.

Mia says she wasn’t mad at Kent.  She thinks there was a cool factor to him and it worked.  But he’s not as cool as Mr. Scott, which for her was the only thing that was lacking.  You know what’s lacking for me?  Critiques that make any sort of sense.

Let’s see what Adam has to say.  The key for Adam is that he saw growth in Kent this week.  He embraced small and that drew Adam in.  And then Adam gets amused that he’s talking about growth and small and doesn’t it just sound so disgusting?

You have grown to be a small minded idiot and I’m wondering how I ever liked you.

Let’s move on before I puke.  Adechike and Courtney will be doing a Mandy Moore jazz piece.  Mandy tells us this dance is set around closing time at a bar.  Yay!  A dance about beer goggling!  I think we can all relate, right?  Right?  No?  Liars.

Courtney is a bar hag who hits on Adechike the bartender, probably hoping to get free drinks for the rest of her life.  So I guess it’s less about beer goggling and more about drunken sluts.  I think we all can relate, right?  Right?  Oh, come on!!!

I did not like this at all.  First of all, Mandy’s use of props is usually really good (see Neil and Sabra’s table dance), but the bar in this routine totally got in the way.  Instead of being an organic part of the dance, it was an obstacle.  In fact, it felt like movement stopped in order to incorporate the bar into the routine.

Also, I did not like Adechike in this at all.  He felt clunky in parts, and had almost zero personality.  In fact, this is an issue I find a lot with him; I think he has dead eyes when he dances.  I mean, the kid can move, and he’s got some crazy strength and lines, but his performance?  Zzzzzzzzzzz.

Nigel says that last week Adechike gave us a really good character, and he was asked again this week to create a character and he thinks he came up to the task.  Were we watching the same routine?

Cat asks Adechike what he thought before he started the dance, but he’s barely paying attention to her, saying he lost one of his contacts during the routine.  He thinks it might be on the bar or something.  Okay, now I might have to be a little impressed.  As someone who wears contacts I know how disconcerting it can be to lose one, especially if you are doing something like dancing.  Or driving.  That sucks too.  I once had to drive home in a severe thunderstorm at night after losing a contact.  I have never winked for so long in my entire life.

Is this my hand, Cat? Between the terrible lighting and losing a contact, I can barely see myself!

Mia completely disagrees with Nigel.  She feels like he got so much praise for his personality last week that he relied too much on that today.  The dancing, the ability, the style was so not there.  Mediocre.  She says that at this point in the competition he needs to be unbelievable.  Unlike Jose who can just walk around the stage.

She’s not done though.  She says it was donut holes for her.  “Do you guys know what donut holes are?  Emptiness.  Nothing.”

Sort of like the place where your heart is supposed to be, right Mia?

Adam thinks this is Adechike’s journey.  To be bashed about by Mia?  He thinks Adechike needed more personality, a different personality, to get lost in the music.  Don’t worry Adam, he’ll probably see it all in the playback.

We move on now to Billy and Allison with a Spencer Liff (YAY!!!) Broadway number.  Wait, scratch that, Allison is hurt so she won’t be able to dance with Billy.  Instead they’ve brought Katee in as a sub.  Katee + Billy + SPENCER LIFF?  Oh yeah.  Of course if it was Allison I would have said OH YEAH, but Katee will do.

I LOVE SPENCER LIFF!!!! You know, I don’t even like Cats and I loved this number which used Macavity from, well, Cats.  This wasn’t even the best we’ve seen from Spencer but it was about a gajillion times better than the best Sir BitchyPants Broadway.  Can we please have no more Sir BitchyPants Broadway?  Never ever ever?  Thanks.

As for the performance of the number, Billy nailed it.  This may have been my favorite performance of his this season.  He really got into the style, and it was less about his gumby flexibility and more about really getting into the character and movement.  I really enjoyed this.

Nigel says that outside of what Billy does in his solos this is the best he’s ever seen him dance.  He says Spencer’s choreography has given Billy a style which sits on him beautifully.

I say it again…..LOVE!

Mia thinks he was absolutely fabulicious.  Ugh.  She miauseates me.  It was the best she’s seen him.  He was sharp, he had style, he had that snappiness; there was a lot of texture in his movement and she thinks Jerome Robbins would have loved him.  I do agree with that.

Adam says he has never connected with a partner this well, he has never understood a piece of material on this show so well.  Adam thinks everyone drank performance juice this week as well as sexy juice (well, everyone except Adechike, right Adam?).  He drew Adam into the performance, and he hopes he can appreciate it when he sees it in playback.  Sigh.

Ashley’s up next with a Tabitha and Napoleon hip hop partnering with Dominic.  This routine is about ninja assassins.  Napoleon hopes that Ashley will be able to be intimidating enough.

What’s with the MC Hammer pants on Ashley?  Meh.  That whole bit near the judges at the end with Mia doing karate kid moves was beyond annoying.  Just sit and watch the routine, Mia.  I dunno, this wasn’t terrible, and Ashley did an okay job with it, it’s just not blowing me away.

Nigel says this was the opportunity for her to show that she can do something other than contemporary, and she can.  He says she hit really hard and was really strong; he would like to see her take a lower base, but he loved it.

Mia thinks she danced that so hardcore.  I think Mia has started doing hardcore drugs.  The only thing lacking for her is that there was no kill in Ashley’s eyes.  Oh Mia, perhaps you could give her lessons on that; you do that so well.

Adam thinks Ashley is a quiet contender and that she’s in it to win it.  He thinks she took another step forward.  She came out and set the stage on fire; he’s so excited for her to see the playback.

Time for Robert.  He and Kathryn will be working with Sean Cheesman on a jazz routine.  Sean tells us in this piece they are living dolls that come to life and go on an adventure.  Hooray.  Robert gets to make cheesey doll faces.  I am so excited I can barely contain myself.  He totally drops Kathryn on her ass in rehearsal and it looks like it hurt ALOT.  As if I didn’t dislike him enough already.

God, I can’t stand this kid.  And this dance feeds into everything that irritates me about him.  The stupid faces?  UGH.  And he dropped Kathryn again!  He cannot be off the show soon enough for me.

Nigel loves the concept of the routine.  Yeah, I loved it to when I saw it danced by eight year olds in competition this spring.  He just doesn’t understand why Robert’s been in the bottom three for as long as he has.  So you know what Nigel did?  He came onto the internet to try and find out.

He thinks people make things up for themselves.

Yes, people like you Nigel.

Nigel says that people are saying Robert is arrogant.  No, Nigel; you need to learn how to read.  What people are saying is that Robert is an annoying ass.  Completely different thing.  But by making that up it gives Nigel a reason to talk about how hard Robert works and how much everyone on the show loves him.  Well, people that watch the show DON’T.  And that has nothing to do with imaginary arrogance and everything to do with him mugging for the camera.

Mia completely agrees with everything Nigel just said.  Whatever Mia, you can shut up too.  She thinks conceptually the piece was genius and the movement inside the box was everything.  She thinks it was a perfect piece for him.  I actually agree with that but not for the same reasons that she is talking about.

Adam thinks he is so great.  So dedicated and committed, and he gives a thousand percent to everything.  Including being annoying.  I hope he can see that when he watches the playback.

So we’ve gotten through all the all star/contestant dances, now we’re moving on to their dances with each other.  First up is what would have been Adechike and Alex doing a Bollywood routine from (DUH) Nakul.

They each talk about how they’re looking forward to working together, but my favorite part is when they flip Mia off in Bollywood-ese.

Translation:  Fuck You Mia, you rotten bitch!

What?  Nakul called me and dictated the translation to me!  Scout’s honor.  Nakul tells us that this dance is about two guys doing a devotional dance to a god whose name I still don’t get after listening to it ten times.  Kenesha?  Is that a god?  Canasta?  Shanikqua?  I dunno.

Because Alex has been injured Adechike will now be performing the number with Nakul’s assistant, Marla.  Is it just me or does it seem like it would have made more sense for Nakul to step in himself given that it’s supposed to be a dance between two guys?  Seems like we’ll be losing some of the masculine edge here, no?

It seemed a little sloppy to me, but maybe that was supposed to be the style.  I still wish we could have seen what the routine was supposed to be like, and I maintain that we’ve lost something here by having a woman as a replacement instead of a man.

Adechike took over the straddle jumps that were originally assigned to Alex (and what he injured himself doing), and he handled them well.  He’s a very athletic dancer, but he still doesn’t hold my attention the way some of the others do.

Nigel points out that they always tell the dancers to put their own personalities into the routine, but he thinks here that Adechike started to make it a little funky.  Mia butts in saying it felt more African.  Nigel thinks he needs to stick closer to the actual style.

Of which he IS an expert you know.

He’s sad he didn’t get to see Adechike and Alex dance it together since the producers told him it was absolutely fantastic.  Wait.  Isn’t Nigel a producer?  I’m so sure he didn’t see it in rehearsal at all.

As Cat goes over to Mia for her comments she says she wants to play devil’s advocate here for a minute.  Cat points out that when Jose danced this same genre he was praised for bringing his own style into it, but here they are telling Adechike he shouldn’t do that.  Isn’t that a double standard?

I love you Cat.

Anyone else think it’s very telling that the choreographer of the dance is applauding Cat here?

Just wondering.  Well Mia has an answer for that.  You see, Jose just has this heart thing where he just grabs everybody so he can do whatever the hell he wants to on the stage and we will all lap it up because he is so sweet and lovable.  Mia says he’s never focused, his eyes are always all over the place.  That comment I actually do agree with; I think it ends up reading as a lack of personality sometimes which has been my real issue with him.

She doesn’t know if it was supposed to be a fusion of African because she didn’t talk to the choreographer, but it seemed a little African to her, a little flaily.  And then……..she crosses the line from bitch to cunt.  She turns around and says to Adechike that she misses Alex so much right now because she can only imagine what it would have looked like.

What a nasty festering twat she is.

I know, Hugh!  I think so too!  They cut to Alex in the audience after she says that and he is shaking his head and looks like he has tears in his eyes.  What a completely shitty thing for her to say.  And we all know she has said a lot of shitty things over the years on this show, but this is right up there with “I hate everything that you stand for as an artist.”  Ugh.

Adam thinks Adechike had an enormous amount of power and he could feel him liking the music.  He thinks he lacked finish to his lines.  He’ll see it when he sees the playback.

But the Adechike bashing doesn’t stop there, Nigel now wants to chime in about listening to critiques without looking upset.  They’re only trying to help Adechike.  I’m sorry, but how does what Mia said help him?  And why is he not supposed to be upset by that?  By the way, I think he’s handled himself really well during this critique and for Nigel to be an asshole about the fact that the kid is probably fighting back tears because of Mia’s cuntass comments is just WRONG.  I am beyond disgusted with all three of them right now.

You are all bastard people.

We really need to move on or my head might blow off my body.  Next we have Kent and Lauren dancing a Travis Wall contemporary piece.  I sure hope no one misses Alex during it.

Kent tells us one thing he’s not looking forward to about working with Lauren is that she always tells him she has a secret and then burps in his face.  Hahahaha! I’m sorry, that cracks me up.  Probably because I do the same thing to my kid.  He doesn’t like it either.  Kent says she burps really loud, “Like the man I’m supposed to be but can’t be”.  Bwahahahahahahaha!

So this number is about prom, two people after prom having to say good bye but knowing that they will always be drawn back to each other.  Bleh.  It should be about losing your virginity at prom.  Not that I know anything about that.  Really, I don’t.

I really like this number.  Right up to the fake kiss and never ending embrace at the end.  So unnecessary.  But other than that, it was a really good number that they both danced really well.  They would have made for a really good partnership if we were in the old format, I think.  I’ll tell you, one thing I do love about Kent is the way his leaps always look so effortless while getting great height.  This was a solid routine for me.

Nigel says this routine proved three things to him:  what a really good contemporary dancer Lauren is, what a really good contemporary dancer Kent is, and what a really good contemporary choreographer Travis is.  He says Lauren really is a strong dancer but sometimes he can’t see her heart.  He did tonight.

He thinks Kent is a really hard worker and that his hard work will pay off at the end of the day.  He thinks between the two of them they really are the ultimate in male and female dancers in this competition this year.

Mia felt that it was absolutely stunning and gorgeous.  She thinks that Lauren was the perfect female dancer in this because there was the athlete, the technique, and the soul.  She also thinks Kent did some great work and he is a solid male contemporary dancer.  He doesn’t make her miss Alex at all.

Adam was almost a little embarrassed watching them because it got so intimate and seemed so real.  Adam, you are an embarrassment.

Just wait, you’ll see it on the playback.

Time for Ashley and Robert’s quickstep choreographed by Jean-Marc and France.  Yay!  More mugging from Robert.  You know, that just never gets old.  Then Ashley says they’re alike in a lot of ways.  Oh Ashley, don’t tell anyone that; you don’t want us to think you’re as annoying as he is, do you?

They start to tell us what the dance is about, but I’m not paying attention because

Has she ever spoken before?  I don’t remember it if she has; usually she just sits there looking pissed off while Jean-Marc talks.  I kinda thought she might be a mute.

So as the quickstep goes this was okay.  It certainly wasn’t the worst quickstep we’ve ever seen on this show.  Robert was doing his gaping fish mouth face again which never fails to irritate, and I swear at one point I saw him counting.  Also?  Stop sticking your ass out, Robert.  I think Ashley did better than he did, but I also like her more so I’m sure that has something to do with it.  All in all it was okay.

Nigel thinks it’s hard enough to get the quickstep without adding in having to play a character as well.  He tells Robert to watch out for his elbow dipping down during the close hold, and he was also jumping around a bit too much.  He thinks Ashley was lovely.

Mia says they got through it and it wasn’t a train wreck.  She comments on the music because of course that was up to the dancers.  She thinks Robert’s legs were too far apart which gives her a chance to tell him again that he should take ballet.  Any words for Ashley?

Uuhhhh…lemme think….Nope.

Adam is on the same page as Mia when it comes to the music.  He thinks they were totally committed and they served each other beautifully.  Thanks for another insightful critique Adam.

The last dance of the evening belongs to Billy and Jose.  They will be performing a Sean Cheesman African jazz number.  Sean tells us that this piece is about a hunter and his prey.  Jose is the hunter, Billy a jaguar.  Billy says the dance is really aggressive and Sean wants it to look like a cave painting.

Whoa.  When you put Jose next to Billy you can really see how weak his dancing is.  To me, Jose looked very clunky and almost clumsy.  Billy’s movement was a little strange, but I thought in a good way.  I like what he did here with the choreography and I’m happy to see him finally starting to live up to what I thought he was going to bring to the season.

Nigel loved the concept.  He points out that Billy played a cat twice this evening; he thinks this felt like a Broadway cat again.  I completely disagree with him.  He’s a little disappointed with that performance.  He thinks Jose wasn’t powerful enough.  He thinks they both could have brought more.

Mia loved whatever animal Billy was; she would want one in her house.  She thought he was amazing and cool.  She says Jose went for it but it wasn’t enough.  He didn’t hit the lines or the precise movement.

Adam says to Billy that there’s a moment when you have to let go of your lines, lines will not let him go all the way through.  Guess what?  He’ll see it in the playback.  He tells Jose this was the closest to his style and he needs to jump up higher and bend down lower.  That’s all he’s going to say.

And with that, the performances are over and so is the show.  Well, almost.  They dance us out doing a dorky dance that is dedicated to Alex.  I’m guessing there’s a story behind this.

So that’s the evening, Gasmi.  All I can say is that I’m really hoping Alex’s injury is not as bad as they think it is.  I don’t know what I’ll do if he’s out for good.  What did you think?  Were you as sad as I was that he didn’t dance?  Are you worried about him not coming back?  Do you think Mia has passed the point of no return with her comments?  What are you hoping to see in the playback?

I will be jumping right over to the results show recap so PLEASE try to be patient.  I promise I will get it up as soon as I possibly can.  Until then…..

SWAK, PottyMouth