So You Think You Can Dance: The Bitch Is Back

Welcome to season seven of So You Think You Can Dance (dance…………dance)! There are a lot of changes in store, some good, some stupid. We’ll deal with all that later, for now, let’s just enjoy the rush that only a new season’s start can bring…..

Did this make anyone else all tingly inside?

Oh come on! Don’t lie. I know it wasn’t just me!

We start out with a super serious montage. Did you know that in order to make it as a dancer you have to make it on this show????

Really? No one told me that.

Over a montage of some audition moments, Cat tells us it’s going to be the most competitive season yet because this year only ten dancers will make it to the stage. Yep, you heard that right, no top twenty.

So. This is the first of many changes this season. They don’t really address WHY we’re starting with a top ten instead of a top twenty, so I guess I should wait to voice my opinion on that one until we get there, right? I will say that I’m not a fan of cutting the competition to ten immediately. I think the over abundance of contemporary dancers will be even more blatant with fewer dancers.

Anyway, we’re starting the audition rounds in New York City which, Cat tells us, has more dancers per square mile than any place else on earth. How does she know this? She’s not telling.

But she will tell us that Mary’s shorn hair makes for a fabulous vest!

Harpie hair makes the best winter wear!

What’s up with that stupid scarf, though?

Cat tells us New York’s got the history and the attitude, but does it have the talent? Let’s see, shall we?

On the judges’ panel today we have Nigel, Mia (yes, you heard me right), and Adam. Change number two: Mary is out, Mia is in. I can’t say I’m sad at the lack of Mary: I’ve been over her screaming and hot tamale train for a long, loooooooooong time. But Mia? Yikes. I wonder which dancer she’s going to choose to hate on this season?

Hi guys! Can’t wait to rip you apart in front of millions of people!!

Before we get started with the dancers, Cat reminds us how the auditions will work. Solos are performed for the judges. Then one of three things happen: ticket to Vegas, choreography round, kick to the curb.

Got it? Let’s go!

First to audition is Sarah Brinson, who tells us she’s always thought of herself as being the “big dancer”. She’s not fat, but she is a big girl. She tells Cat she used to be self conscious about that, but not anymore.

She’s good. Nigel tells her she looks like Charlize Theron. He loved her. Shocking, I know. Mia thinks she doesn’t dance like she’s 22, she dances like a matured dancer which is very rare to see.

Nigel wonders if her parents are dancers, but no, Sarah tells him they’re golfers. He wants to know if her mom played with Tiger Woods.

What? I’m just wondering if her mom’s a whore! How is that inappropriate?

Adam loves that she’s so self assured and that she knows exactly who she is as a dancer. Of course with all the great comments she’s getting, she’s going through to Vegas.

Next up are Giselle Peacock and Henry Byalikov, ballroom dancers that have appeared on Broadway in Burn the Floor.

Oy, mate! Haven’t I also seen you on So You Think You Can Dance and Dancing With The Stars in Australia?

Shhhhhhhh……..Nigel said not to tell anyone.

That’s right, Gasmi. A little birdie told me that Henry actually made it pretty far on SYTYCD Australia. Now I know this show doesn’t have rules about the dancers have professional experience, but I would think having been on an international version of the show would disqualify you from being on the American version, wouldn’t it?

The fact that Nigel makes no mention of this is extremely suspect, in my opinion.

That being said, they are both as fabulous as you’d think they would be having been in a Broadway show. There is no doubt that they are going straight through to Vegas.

Cat tells us that auditions are taking place in da Bronx, birthplace of hip hop, and home to some of the best street dancers in the world. The next guy auditioning is not one of them.

Time to meet the first idiot of the night.

He along with two of his buddies started a dance group because they were tired of getting kicked out of dance clubs all the time. Seriously? Why are we wasting time with this idiot?

He describes their dance style as “dancetastic furious footwork from the eighties”. I describe him as “douchebag famewhore desperate to get on TV”. Tomatoes, tomahtoes, I guess.

You know he sucks, I know he sucks, hell, even he knows he sucks. Obviously he doesn’t make it through. In true douchebag famewhore fashion, he acts all indignant before finally leaving the stage to go dance in Times Square.

Where hopefully he will be run over by a runaway taxi.

Apparently this idiot set off a wave of what Cat calls “freaky” dancers.

Time for someone to save the day. Who will it be? Someone phenomenal? Inspirational?

Nope. “Whimsical.” Oh great.

Can we bring back the douchebag famewhore? Ugh. It’s Teddy Tedholm again. I hated this guy last year, and I think you all know how often I change my original opinion of someone, right?

Oh lord. His zits are even worse than they were last year. But wait! Do I see a message there?

Yup. The truth is in the zits. The judges LOVED him last year. I’ve already established that I did NOT. Will either of us change our minds this time around?

Well, I still can’t stand him. Mia’s crying. Oh sweet Jaysus. Give me a fucking break. She says he reminds her of the unpopular kid, the one that was always laughed at or made fun of. For her, that’s what he represents.

She thinks that the pain he taps into is pretty genius. I think she’s confusing pain with flailing about to an angsty song. Adam thinks he’s really, really special, and not in a special ed sort of way. He’s so honored to have been able to sit and watch that. Seriously? I think I might puke you guys.

SO special.

Nigel talks about how much they loved him last year and how disappointed they all were in him when he tanked in Vegas. But none of that really matters because he’s going to Vegas again. Plech. Here’s hoping for Crash and Burn: The Sequel!

We then get brief snippets of Briana DeFalco and Daniel Baker, both of whom look like they’re pretty great dancers, and one of them ain’t so bad shirtless either!

They both get tickets to Vegas.

After a quick break for commercials, Cat tells us that a lot of these dancers have put their day jobs on hold in order to audition. We get various people telling us what they do, and then there’s Scott Vogel. He’s a biohazardous remediation technician. In other words, he cleans up crime scenes.

I can’t even imagine how strong your stomach has to be to do something like that. Yuch. He loves his job, but has had difficulty finding a girlfriend.

No way!

He is just as goofy as you think he would be, and there’s no way he’s getting anywhere near Vegas. But he seems like a sweet guy; maybe he’ll get a date or something out of this.

Maybe we could get together for dinner sometime.

The final dancer of the day is Chris Dixon, aka Isolock. He’s there with his mentor and teacher, ShockaLock who tells us he was the first locker in New York. As you may be able to discern from his name, Isolock’s style is isos and locking combined.

Nigel asks him if h does many competitions. Yes. Does he win quite a few of them. Yes. Nigel says that he’s actually seen betters isolations than he does, but not with the locking. He thinks if Toni Basil were there she’d be on her back foaming at the mouth. Adam clarifies: “Like a seal with rabies”.

He knows me so well!

Nigel wonders if he can do anything else. Mia’s hoping he can, and so is Adam, so they’re moving him forward into the choreography round.

Speaking of which……..Isolock is joined by thirty three other dancers for the choreography round. This year it’s being taught by Jason Glover and Courtney Galliano.

Who still refuses to get her fucking hair out of her face.

Isolock bones the choreography, and so is sent on his way. I do like that he has a great attitude when he’s leaving, saying it was much harder than he thought it would be but at least he tried. In all, fifteen of the thirty three were sent on to Vegas. And with that, day one of auditions are over.

Time for day two in New York.

Whoa! What’s Billy Bell doing there? I thought he was going straight through to Vegas?

Huh. Maybe he just stopped by the auditions, or went to support a friend or something.

Nigel tells the dancers gathered to audition today to make sure they are themselves, they are unique, and that they are something the judges haven’t seen before. Oh great, and he wonders why so many psychos show up.

Our first “unique” person of the day is Jamie Greco, and he makes horror films. Actually he makes horror films for Troma Entertainment which is pretty fucking cool. They are best known for The Toxic Avenger, but if you love schlocky horror films and you haven’t seen it, Tromeo and Juliet is their best one (in my opinion). Seriously, check it out, it’s all kinds of fun.

Obviously being a maker of horror films has nothing to do with one’s ability as a dancer, and it’s pretty clear that Jamie isn’t going to be a Vegas-worthy dancer. But Troma must have paid Nigel a pretty penny, because they get a whole segment including a little interview with the president of the company, Lloyd Kaufman. And then Jamie takes the stage.

I swear Jamie auditioned last year. In a bobbed wig and trench coat. Anyone else remember that?

Nigel needs hand sanitizer because he’s now touched broccoli from a man’s boob. Adam tells Jamie he gets it, and he feels exactly the same way. Jamie’s so happy to realize he’s not the only fruit there. Hee!

Well, they seemed to enjoy his schtick, and knowing that he wasn’t taking himself seriously either had to have helped. Or maybe it was the wad of cash from Troma that helped. Either way, he’s not moving on to Vegas. Try to control your shock.

From Jamie we move on to a series of disasterous auditions that all share the common theme of falling on your ass.

Wadi Jones is up next and he tells us one of his hobbies is free running, or parkour. I actually think parkour is pretty fucking cool, even if it’s NOT dancing. Hopefully he won’t just be running around the stage.

He actually does some dancing, and color me surprised, but I think I sorta like him! I love how he goes from one trick to another and makes it look as if they require no effort whatsoever. Cool.

Nigel thought he was very good, and gives him props on doing a front somersault (I think he means tuck) without any sort of preparation. Mia thinks his footwork is so light, so quiet and easy. Adam joins in to say he never heard him land. All that jumping around he was doing, he made no sound as he landed.

They unanimously send him through to choreography.

After the break we get a quick look at Anthony Burrell and Megan Davis. Both look to be great dancers, and both get put straight through to Vegas.

And then it’s time for Edward Spots who auditioned for season six, and tells us that was the first time his dad had ever seen him dance.

There’s no denying this kid can dance. One thing that really bugged me though was that to me it felt like he was all over the place, if that makes sense. I felt like his movement was frantic, and not really grounded or centered, and his musicality was for shit. He has technique out the wazoo, but the delivery of that technique was not polished. At all.

Nigel gives Edward the chance to say he’s in the pre-professional fellowship at Alvin Ailey. Wow. That’s really impressive. I’m sure the stuff I was just complaining about will be fixed during his time in that program.

Edward talks about how supportive his dad is now that he’s seen him dance. Nigel is pleased that he’s with Alvin Ailey, he thinks it will strengthen him as well. Mia says he’s grown a lot, and Adam agrees. They send him through to the choreography round.

From Edward, we’re moving on to our last dancer of day two, Megan Carter. She’s an eighteen year old dance major who is also overweight. She tells us she has been inspired by Mia because she knows what it is to be a thick dancer.

She’s not bad. She’s not phenomenal either. I think the issue with her though is less about her ability and more about the partnering that is required in this show. There’s no way she’d be able to be partnered properly, and that’s what is ultimately going to keep her out of this competition.

By the end of her audition both Mia and Adam are crying. Adam says she just blew every single stereotype so far out of the water, and she made him realize that he holds stereotypes too. And he is so happy that she just schooled him.

Mia says that Megan makes her so happy to be a woman of size.

I hope you make it so we can take midnight runs to Mickey D’s together!

Mia says she was told that she would never dance because of her body, and she’s one of those choreographers that looks at the spirit of the dancer before telling them that she hates everything they are as an artist. And no matter what size we are and what shape we are, we are truly artists.

Nigel’s like, whatever, let’s all get back to reality shall we? Mia became a choreographer because she couldn’t get a job as a professional dancer. He tells her without question she’s going to find it difficult to get jobs. He does put her through to choreography, but I’m fairly certain that she won’t make it past that round. Even on the off chance that she does get through to Vegas, the reality is that she won’t get on the show, for reasons already stated above.

With that we move to the choreography round, and the people we’re waiting to find out the verdict on are Megan, Wadi and Edward. As predicted, Megan doesn’t make it through as she (and her partner) have some difficulty with, well, the partnering. Wadi also gets cut after choreography, but Edward makes it through to Vegas along with sixteen other dancers from day two.

I’d like my ear drums back, please.

So now we’re moving on from New York and heading south to Miami.

Joining Nigel here will be Sonya Tayeh and Jason Gilkison. Oh, Sonya should be fun, remember last year when she was having orgasms during the auditions? Fun times.

But wait! Could that be……..?

Alex Wong?

Is it? Or is it just wishful thinking on my part? I’m totally pretending that it was him you guys.

Okay, back to business. We’re kicking off today’s auditions with Czech ballroom dancer, Michael Petr. Michael has a weird joker-esque face.

You ever dance with the devil in the pale moonlight?

He tells us they were in Germany preparing for a competition in England, but decided to fly to Miami because it’s his last opportunity to get on the show. My head hurts.

He goes on to tell us that he started dancing because of the movie Dirty Dancing and that he wanted to be like Patrick Swayze when he was eleven, but now that he’s thirty, perspective changes. LOLOLOLOLOLOL. I think I may like this guy after all.

He’s actually quite good which surprised me because I thought for sure we were being set up for one of those train wreck auditions.

Nigel likes that he doesn’t pull his face while he’s dancing. I’d say he pulls his face less than we’ve seen others do, but I still saw some strange faces in there.

Or maybe that’s just the way he always looks.

Nigel thinks he has great lines, and his footwork is terrific. And then he makes some lame joke about Michael wearing Adam Shankman’s shirt which hilariously goes right over Michael’s head.

Sonya loved it, saying it was very electric. Jason talks about how he looked great while also showing off his partner which is not an easy thing to do when auditioning for yourself. He thinks Michael was fantastic. He’s going through to Vegas.

Enough fun! It’s time to get serious. Up next is Tyrell Rolle who is from Liberty City. To make we all figure out JUST HOW BAD this neighborhood is, the show kindly inserts a rap song to play in the background. Uh oh. I’m scurred now.

Tyrell tells us it’s rough there, and the stereotype is to be a hip hop dancer, or a b-boy or juker, but he’s a contemporary dancer. He didn’t want to sell drugs or be on the corner. He wanted to do something bigger, something great. He wants to use dance as an exit.

Inspired yet? Come on! How can you resist the weepy music and slo mo walking through the neighborhood?

You know you feel it.

I actually think it’s great that he wants to dance, but I don’t need the “inspiration” of it shoved down my throat. I predict this will be the subject of Sir BitchyPants’ next dance.

He also talks about the fact that his dad wasn’t too happy when he said he wanted to dance. His dad says dance is hard, but if that’s what he wants to do, he should go out there and do his thing. He says when he sees his son dance it makes him proud and crymotional.

Awwwww, now you’re gonna make me all crymotional too.

He is fabulous. Nigel thinks his upper body is fabulous, and that he is absolutely tremendous. Nigel asks if his family supports him, and Tyrell points out his father in the audience.

Sonya sings to him that his lines are stunning! His port de bras is gorgeous! It’s masculine, it’s aggressive, it’s strong, and she believed him. Jason says from beginning to end, it was fantastic dancing. He loved every second of it. Is it any surprise that Tyrell’s straight through to Vegas?

Henry Rivera is the next dancer to audition and he is nervous. So nervous that he is having trouble speaking. Will those nerves carry over to his dancing?

Not one bit. Sonya’s ooohing and aaahing all through his performance, so I think it’s safe to say she likes him. Nigel tells him he is a brilliant dancer.

I think Sonya may be in love

She loves that every single movement was accounted for, and every single movement mattered. Jason thinks it was phenominal; he loved every single thing about it. I agree with them, he was pretty awesome. Best dancer they’ve seen in Vegas so far. Vegas! Duh.

Ca talks about how the auditions were like a family affair, people bringing their moms and kids, but what we’re really leading up to is this girl auditioning with her father.

The judges make a big deal of getting all squicked out by the fact that she’s dancing with her dad, but really I didn’t get a sexual vibe from them at all; more of a vibe of suck than anything else. You wanna get squicked out watch Heidi and Benji dance together and then remind yourself that they’re cousins.

Our last dancer of the day is Ami Aguiar-Riley who is mom to a six year old son.

How freaking cute is this kid??

He tells us that his mom taught him how to do the robot. She says she’s doing this for herself, that it’s time for her to be a little selfish.

She pretty good, but I wish she had clipped her back; it was in her face during her entire audition. Yes, that drives me crazy, can you tell?

Nigel likes that she’s trying to do something different, not being all smiley and girly, but warns her to be careful it doesn’t start to look like exercises.

Sonya likes her. She loves an aggressive dancer; she loves that it wasn’t too nice and pretty. Jason said there were three really great moments in there for him, and they were three moments when she just looked straight at them while she was dancing. They move her forward to choreography.

And once there, she gets put through to Vegas along with nine other dancers.

Time for day two in Miami. Kicking it off today is Candace Craig who is part of a singing girl group called The Velvet Angels. She tells Cat they are like the spice girls in that they each have their own persona. She is the slutty sexy one.

She tells us she loves to be sexy. Not too sexy though. Just sexy enough where it’s still tasteful.

Wow. I think I can almost taste your boobs there, Slutty.

Yeah, I can see how she keeps it tasteful. I mean, shaking your boobs at the judges is the epitome of taste, doncha think? The sad thing is that she isn’t bad. She can actually dance. But the boob shaking is so desperate and sad and it makes me want to know where the fuck her parents are.

Basically the judges think that she should shake her tits less and focus on the dancing itself. They put her through to choreography, but not before Sonya tells her to “pack it in, tie it up.”

She promises Cat that she will be wearing a sports bra for the next round. Unfortunately she won’t be wearing her shirt over it. Someone please talk to this girl.

Next up is Rose Neptune who tells us that when she goes on the dance floor it’s like she turns on fire.

I’m having a sudden urge to set myself on fire.

Will you believe that Rose does not make it through? I know, I was shocked myself!

Cat tells us that as the day went on, Miami continued to suck.

They try to be all clever and throw together some CSI: Miami thing, but with SYTYCD inserted into the middle, and Nigel peering over his glasses, and it is beyond stupid and lame.

I wonder if anyone can bring Miami back from the brink of suck? Looks like Jose Ruiz, aka Full Deck may be Miami’s last hope.

Jose is a b-boy, and he tells us he was motivated by how well Legacy did on the show. He really respects Legacy a lot, but he thinks he’s the better b-boy.

Nigel likes him and says he has a lot going for him. Sonya says she was up front in her seat and she loved his performance. Nigel asks the other two judges if they think he’s better than Legacy, and before they even have a chance to answer, Jose says he thinks he is.

Jason thinks thems mighty big words. He says the thing about Legacy is that his journey was incredible. I don’t know that I’d say THAT, but I did like him a hell of a lot more when he left than when he started.

They send him through to choreography to see what he can deliver.

In the choreography round, both Candace and Jose falter. Candace and her boobs are sent packing, while Jose is put through to Vegas. Unless he works a lot between now and then, I don’t see him moving much further, do you?

And that’s it for the first audition round. Next week…….Chicago and L.A.

So what did you think, Gasmi? Any early favorites? Are you happy to see Mia back? Or did you miss Mary? Did you love Jason Gilkison as much as I did? Come on! Let’s hear it!

Until next week…….

SWAK, PottyMouth

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