Behold the Awesome Power of the Man-Dress

Welcome to my first ever results-show recap. For the recap of the performance show, scroll down and look for the picture of two (clothed) people engaging in an obscene act on primetime TV! There might not be anything that juicy tonight, but hey, we got a guy in a dress right here. What more do you want?

The show starts off with a group dance to “Get Up Offa That Thing.” It’s very acrobatic, with lots of flips and stuff. The group dances are my favorite part of this show, even though they are the part that doesn’t count. Unfortunately, I have no idea how to recap them.Cat Deeley appears after the dance, and she is awkward right off the bat, as she describes one of the choreographers as being “in full effect.” She is just terrible whenever she tries to use any kind of remotely urban American slang. (Who knows, maybe they say “in full effect” in England too, but anyway I bet they don’t say it where Cat Deeley’s from.) Aleks took a lot of heat last night for being too white, so I think it is only fair to point out that Cat out-whites her in all statistical categories. Cat is dressed relatively inoffensively tonight, which is no fun for me.

What’s the Deeley, yo?

Same three judges from last night. Mia is wearing a ridiculous scarf/tie. Nigel reveals something interesting when he tells us that the contestants are “getting hundreds of thousands of votes each.” You’ll notice he did not say millions. Hm. I know it’s a summer series, but those figures strike me as kind of disappointing, when you consider that Idol gets tens of millions of votes. Out of curiosity, does anyone know a ballpark figure for how many people vote during Dancing with the Stars, just for comparison?

Mental illness can be fun!


How did I miss this last night? This was Nigel krumping.

You aren’t going to believe this, but we open the show with some flashbacks to last night. Man, with this level of flashbackery, this is going to become a very quick and easy recapping job. We see a little new (to me) footage of the contestants getting out of a van yesterday morning and looking sleepy, and then we go into just showing clips from the performances and judging. There is a little bit of new stuff thrown in here and there. We see Ivan complimenting Allison after they leave the stage, which is cute.

We get a reset of Nigel’s “tofu” line in reference to Aleks’s lack of flavor. Huh. I didn’t really think that line was funny enough to merit a second airing. Do you think it has something to do with it being said by the executive producer of the show? Nah – that must just be a coincidence. I guess we should all be glad that Nigel doesn’t start talking about his denture cream or his back waxing, because there’s no doubt that if he wanted that on the air, that’s what would be on the air.

There is one snippet of new footage that sheds a lot of light on Mia’s utter dismantling of Joy’s self-esteem and reasons for living last night. It’s Joy and Dmitry, getting ready to go on stage for dress rehearsal. They are arguing about what is supposed to happen on beats 6, 7, 8.

Dmitry: Don’t argue, because it’s 6….
Joy: We should go from the beginning. From the beginning.
Dmitry: Well, I didn’t make any mistakes, because somebody didn’t want to practice. I’m sorry.

She rolls her eyes. He finally turns to the camera and says, “Are we supposed to be with the camera?” Yes, apparently you are. He tries to back and fill, telling the camera that they are just tired and nervous. Joy pastes on a big fake smile and says, “I just smile.”

Passive-aggressive much, missy?

You can tell from this clip that they really don’t like each other at all. Wow – that is a huge disadvantage in the competition. I think the underlying cause is that she sucks; she just can’t dance as well as he can, and he resents being partnered with her, while she’s slightly intimidated by him. My sister has explained to me that it was better last season, when contestants drew new partners every week. It does seem that that would be more fair.

Now that we’ve seen this backstage drama, it seems like the judges’ comments last night were really about validating Dmitry. And maybe Nigel was also onto something when he suggested that Dmitry could have been trying harder to help Joy out. I wonder how much the judges know about the dynamics between the dancers during rehearsals. Obviously, they know more than I do.

Cat Deeley says, “That’s how it went down last night.” I swear, even with something so mainstream, yet still just a little bit slangy – she sounds artificial saying it, like she practiced in front of a mirror. Picture Queen Elizabeth saying, “That’s how it went down last night.” Actually, yeah. Picture that again. Wasn’t that awesome?

I guess what I’m saying is that the host needs to be American, because stupid American viewers like me are programmed to think that English accents sound classy and snooty, which is the opposite of how this show should be. Yes, I know there are all different kinds of English accents, but Cat Deeley’s sounds upper-crusty to me, and if it sounds that way, then it doesn’t really matter whether she has a shred of class in her or not. She has too much fake class for this show. Now, if they could actually get Queen Elizabeth as the host, I would waive everything I just said. Tea and crumpets for everybody!

After the commercial, the couples are finally lined up for the start of the bottom-three-revealing process. The first three couples step forward, and hey, it’s only 13 minutes into the show! Not bad. Oh, wait, I spoke to soon. Cat is verbally rehashing the performances and judges’ comments again, even though we just showed clips of them five minutes ago. By the time anything actually happens, it’s 14 minutes in.

First up are “Jessicker and James.” That’s Cat’s pronunciation. A note about James/Jaymz/Jamyz/Mr. Cool/Mr. Tool. Three different people have told me that his name is spelled Jaymz, not Jamyz. Now, it would make me very happy if this were true, because it would at least be pronounceable, and it would restore the natural order of the universe. However, I got “Jamyz” from the caption they show over him on the screen (which you can see in my performance-show recap), so until I see some hard evidence to the contrary, I’m going to stick with that. Not that it matters – he deserves to be mocked mercilessly either way.

Jamyz and Jessica are safe. Remember, they did the foxtrot. Ben and Ashley are also safe; they did the “Great Balls of Fire” routine. Dmitry and Joy are not safe, to the surprise of exactly zero people watching.

The next three couples come up onto the chopping block. Martha seems to have forgotten to wear pants – that just looks weird, the way that outfit cuts her off. Musa has his hands on Natalie’s waist, as always. Travis and Martha, Benji and Donyelle, and Musa and Natalie are all safe. Finally the last three couples are up. Jason and Aleksandra are not safe. Ivan and Allison are safe. Ryan and Heidi are not safe.

Note the locations of everyone’s hands.

So we have a bottom three of Dmitry/Joy (the brutal excoriation by Mia), Jason/Aleks (the white girl who couldn’t dance hip-hop), and Ryan/Heidi (the “pop” routine set to Kelly Clarkson). In my opinion, based on last night’s performance, Ryan and Heidi do not belong in this group. However, Shane, who was Ryan and Heidi’s big supporter last night, now backpedals and says that they were nowhere as good as he initially thought they were. Maybe not, but they were still better than that “Great Balls of Fire” crap, and I also thought they were better than Ivan and Allison’s ultra-slow hip-hop routine.

Now comes the good part, in which the six bottom-feeders have to “dance for their lives.” (How great would it be if they literally had to dance for their lives? I would watch that show.) One by one, they come out and dance for a short time – maybe a minute? – in whatever style they want. First up is Joy, whom I have pegged as solidly the worst. Oh, my God. She does a slow, bikini-clad, interpretive-type dance that I don’t think would have gotten her past the initial round of auditions. When she does her post-dance interview, she sounds exactly like Kellie Pickler, complete with cutesy facial tics.

Pick Pickler!

Next Dmitry comes out … WEARING A DRESS. I am not lying. He is wearing something that looks like a black tank top and gigantic ankle-length black culottes. He does a matator/paso doble-type routine, but the outfit also has a little bit of a samurai feel. When he starts to dance, I see that it’s actually a long split skirt over a pair of pants. I also see that his tank top is more of a ladies’ camisole. It’s all kind of awesome, but the bottom line is that he is wearing a DRESS. Claps for being comfortable with yourself, Dmitry. His dance underwhelms me. In his interview, Cat asks him if he was disappointed in Joy last night. There is a long silence during which I balance my checkbook, feed my cat, and learn Portuguese. Finally he answers no. Very subtle!

Oh my God, that dress is so cute! Where did you get it?

Heidi really rocks her dance for her life, doing a super fast and tight salsa routine. She is all bubbly in her interview. She is really growing on me – she has a great attitude, and she also happens to be a great dancer. Ryan is next. His dance is very fluid and balletic. Again, I really don’t think this couple is among the weaker contestants, but apparently Ryan disagrees. He is disturbingly self-deprecating in his interview. Bad idea jeans, Ryan.

Aleks comes out in a baggy black shirt and no pants, with her hair in her face, and engages in some weird hopping around. She is so nervous that she can’t even speak to Cat afterward. She looks like she’s on her way to the electric chair during the interview. Jason is last and he does a hip-hop dance that is totally competent, but more importantly, he acts like he thinks he belongs there. Just based on contestant body language, Aleks and Ryan should go home. But Joy is a worse dancer than Aleks. Really, I thought Heidi was the only one of the six who did great during this segment. The judges go backstage to deliberate, which I think is weird – what are they doing that we can’t be allowed to see? They are so having a cigarette break right now.

Aleks found this shirt in the dumpster behind the methadone clinic. Obviously, it flunks the sniff test.

It looks like we’re all on the same page about how well that went.

Rihanna performs. I like the song, but she lip-syncs it badly. Why is that necessary? I wasn’t all that impressed by Nelly Furtado and Timbaland last week, but they did not lip-sync. I don’t see why you would need to do that for a one-song performance on a crappy TV show, unless you flat out CAN’T SING. I pray for an Ashlee Simpson-type humiliating incident, but nothing happens.

While I’m discussing Rihanna and Nelly Furtado, I must voice my objection to the newfound trendiness of shorts. Shorts are not to be worn for any sort of public appearance or social event, whether one is a celebrity or not, and whether one’s legs are cute or not. Shorts are for athletic activities and for lounging around your house or the beach. Oprah told me that, and while I sometimes doubt her wisdom, she was dead-on about the shorts thing.

You say S.O.S., I say N.O.Shorts.

After the commercial, we see clips of the three girls’ dances again. On second viewing, Aleks might suck more than Joy. They are both terrible. Aleks’s super-white hip-hop routine from last night was a million times better than this weird Martha Graham shit she is doing tonight.

Heidi gets called forward first, and of course, it’s so Nigel can tell her that she rocks and she’s safe. Wait, then he says Heidi is related to Benji? What does he mean? I’m sure somebody will explain it to me. Joy is called up next and told she needs to broaden her dance horizons, then told to step back.

Then Nigel really lays into Aleks. “Aleksandra, step forward. Aleksandra, I think that was a pitiful performance tonight. Your solo was just angst-ridden; there was no substance to it whatsoever. And when Cat asked you how nervous were you, you couldn’t articulate how nervous you were, and that’s how your dance felt. It didn’t feel as though you articulated anything in your dance, and you didn’t even complete it. So we’re very disappointed with your performance here tonight. We weren’t quite as disappointed last week; we thought you were very good, and we take everything into account, so I would suggest you work on your solo performance for next week, because you’re staying.”

It’s called a HAIRBRUSH. Look into it.

Wow! That was a dirty trick to pull on Joy. He never said she was safe, but once she heard him call Aleks “pitiful,” she must have started to feel pretty good about things. I think I agree with everything Nigel just said. Joy handles her ouster well. I am not surprised, considering how well she handled Mia blowing her up last night. She leaves smiling, and she deserves lots of credit for that. Dmitry has got to be so psyched right now.

We see clips of the three guys’ dances. Dmitry is called forward first, which makes the crowd cheer wildly, because that means he’s safe. Yeah, just wait until a couple of weeks from now when Nigel pulls a Chris Daughtry on somebody. But for now, things look good for Dmitry. Nigel compliments him on the fact that when Cat asked him whether he blamed Joy, he said no and blamed their suckage on a failure by both of them to approach the partnership properly. Well, yeah, he did say that, but only after a time lapse equivalent to several complete revolutions of the Earth around the sun. Personally, I wasn’t impressed with his tact, but Nigel says he could be a politician. Dmitry is safe; Mia thinks he was like a Greek god tonight. RESPECT THE DRESS.

Dmitry goes over to hug Heidi and Aleks, because one of these two will be his partner for next week. Ryan is called up next. Nigel says there is a wall between him and the audience. Ryan responds with a facial expression that is sort of like, well, a wall between him and the audience.

Wait, you think I don’t invite the audience into my heart?

Now Jason. Nigel says that tonight, Jason showed no personality, and he sends him home. Wow – that is some bad luck. Jason was not very good tonight, but he was good last night; he probably only ended up in the bottom three because Aleks sucked so much. And now she’s sticking around, and he isn’t. I guess that’s what happens when we send home the bottom boy and the bottom girl, rather than just the worst two, who were clearly Aleks and Joy. Jason hugs it out with Cat. Note that during the loser montages, they play a song about “she’s a beautiful girl” for the girls, and a song about “it’s the end of the road” for the guys. I find that annoying. Why the difference?

So Aleks and Dmitry will be partners next week. Hm. I’m going to go out on a limb and predict that if they draw ballroom, they will do amazingly well, but if they draw hip-hop, get your barf buckets ready. Speaking of which, Aleks still looks like she’s about to burst into tears. I don’t get what’s going on with her tonight. She looks like she got some horrible news off-camera. Or maybe it’s just dawned on her that she is affiliated with this show.

Losers.


Not losers. Discuss.

See you next week!