Interview With the Vampire

[by Betty White]

Am I the only person still watching So You Think You Can Dance? I certainly would have given up on this pile of poo after the first, maybe second episode, but here I am cheerily watching and writing for TVgasm. It’s episode five of SYTYCD, and on this week’s episode we finally get to see some dancing. What a concept! It’s almost enough to make me forget that they added yet another thirty minutes of this show, which now checks it at a hefty two hours. Let’s see what they’ve got.But first! They give us 30 minutes of interviews with the final 16 contestants. Lauren Sanchez is in another ridiculously revealing bi-level outfit that would look stupid on a 16-year-old. What a tramp! At first I thought Lauren was pretty – granted, a tramp – but attractive, but now she’s starting to look like Elvira to me. She also man-handles the contestants, hugging them, putting her arm around them given any opportunity. Whoa Lauren! Look what happened to Paula Abdul. Pretty soon you’ll be accused of providing some extra coaching.

Everyone gets teary in their interviews. We have yet another reality show where contestants claim they’re not in it for the prize, rather to do good. “I’d like to use my life to do something good,” lies Kamila. “Art is about giving.” PUHLEAZE.

We see Nick at age nine doing pirouettes. “Dance has always been in me.” Glad to know you realized you were gay at a young age, Nick. A boring montage of Blake. He’s gay too.

This collar says “I pound butt”

Sandra tells us her mom moved her and her sister to Las Vegas so they could have an opportunity to dance when they were children. Way to pimp your kids out, mom! Rising above her trash upbringing, we find out that Sandra is now a go-go dancer. Glad she finally made something of herself.

Then we’re on to Ryan, the spiky haired break dancer who’s never had a dance lesson in his life. He learned everything he knows from TV. Yay Ryan! Forget college. Everything I’ve learned I know from TV too. Ryan’s got lots of fans in the audience. Probably because he’s the first straight guy we’ve seen.

Snow is from Siberia, and was also born a man. Lauren Sanchez talks to her like she’s deaf, speaking slowly, so that maybe Snow can read her lips.

Now to the violins. “Big Papa,” everyone’s favorite fatty, didn’t have any friends growing up. We all know it’s because he’s gay. He turned to dance to make friends. Awwwww.

Lacking something of substance to say, each contestant tells us their zodiac sign. Are they that hard up for conversation with these people?

Lauren promised us at the beginning of the show that we’ll get to meet each and every one of the last 16 contestants. Not that I care, because this has dragged out long enough, but I can count. We haven’t met about half of the contestants. And I’m still waiting for Paula Abdul like they promised. Liars!

Finally, we’re onto the dance competition itself. Lauren’s sporting a new outfit. Try as she might, this black sleeveless number doesn’t accentuate the boobs. They are tucked in tight and honestly, she doesn’t even look larger than a C cup from my television. Sorry Lauren, wardrobe malfunction. Black is minimizing.

This competition is going to be American Idol style. The contestants will dance, then be judged by the show’s judges, and then America gets a chance to vote at home by the phone for “at least two hours” at the end of the show. So, what, if I called at 12:15 a.m., I may or may not get to record my vote?

Instead of Idol’s three judges, we have four. Nigel’s back and since we first saw him, he has trimmed the mullet a tad. Not enough, but it’s a good start. No sign of producers Bonnie or Jeff from the first week. I guess they went back to England. Three of the five choreographers from the previous three weeks are at the judge’s table: Brian (Be Free), Mia, and Dan. Personally, I’m glad that they didn’t put ballroom Mary or salsa Alex up there because they were annoying, but why are they stuck still choreographing while the other three get to sit at the table? Brian has his shirt unbuttoned to his navel, revealing his recently waxed chest. Lauren reads the choreographer’s credentials. In Sync, Britney, blah, blah. We hear that Nigel choreographed for Gene Kelly. Gene Kelley! How old are you, Nigel?

The way the competish works is that everyone will dance with a partner, and then the bottom three couples will stay on for a Britney/Justin style dance-off, hoping to woo America into voting to keep them on another week. The guy and girl with the lowest number of votes will be cut. Each couple is randomly paired by picking out of a hat, and then they randomly pick their style of dance out of a hat.

Cut to the practice sessions, some of which are very shaky. Jamile can’t stop popping and locking (their words, I don’t even know what that is) during the jive. Blake refuses to do a lift with Destiny (her ass is rather large). Ryan is having a very hard time with the Mambo. Choreographer Mary is wearing some leopard print shirt and skirt that is so ridiculous, I’m shuddering just thinking about it.

When it’s time to perform onstage, I must admit, I think they all do a decent job. Brian is the Paula of the judging panel, he pretty much has nice things to say about everyone. Everyone else is like Randy, complementing sometimes, and criticizing other times, although without the dawgs or the ebonics. No Simons, unfortunately.

My favorite moment from the judges. “I’ll say it in one word – Bad Ass,” said Dan to Ryan who pulled some pretty good Mamboing out of his ass in competition, or in this case his badass. The judges clearly love dancers out of their element, like Jamile with the jive and Ryan with the mambo. Despite the fact the judges hate Blake, he really does nail his lyrical number, and they can’t help but fawn all over him. Poor Allan gets stuck dancing with Snow and they kind of suck.

So You Think You Can Dance is just a front for the casting of “Evita on Ice”

So the judges cut down to the final six – Allan, Snow, Jonnis, Michelle, Artem and Sandra. Everyone gets to dance individually and vie for America’s votes. Unfortunately, I don’t feel like wasting ten seconds of my life dialing to save one of these losers. Kaysar was worth dedicating 30 minutes voting online to get him back in Big Brother, but all of these dancers can go home and I won’t care. Maybe if I got to vote for who I hate the most, I could have done that, but that’s not how it works. Michelle wears less clothes than Kelli Monaco’s outfits on Dancing with the Stars (hey, it worked for Kelli) and does some gymnastic tumbling trying to make us forget that her dancing is subpar. She’s the one I think should go home, but I don’t hear the judges agreeing. Snow is the ultimate butter face, so if it’s looks alone, goodbye. She looks fine through soft lighting from far away, but up close, I’m frightenend. She dances okay though. Honestly, Allan is the worst dancer left in the competition, but they’ve pumped him up as the fat teddy bear underdog in each episode, so I doubt that America will be sending him home anytime soon. When asked who should go home, the judges call Artem out for his stiff dancing. Let’s see if America agrees. We get the numbers to call. 1888-TEMPO-01, 02, 03, etc. TEMPO? Could they not get a better word than that? How about DANCE? That’s five letters and actually pertains to this show. Should have consulted me. I could have also told them the show was 90 minutes too long.