It’s The End Of The Road

Who will win So You Think You Can Dance? That’s what the commercial wants to know, albeit without bothering to use a question mark, and it’s what we’re all about to find out. Cat has decided to go out with a bang, ugly outfit-wise. Basically, she’s wearing a long-sleeved shirt and no pants. Yeah, that’s always a great look. Her top is purple and leopard-print. It’s her worst outfit ever, hands down. Thank you, Cat! I needed that. Thinking about it will give me something to do for the next two long, brutal hours.Ooh – the dance-in is with the full top twenty. They’re introduced in pairs. Most of them are with their original partners from back in the day; the exception is that Martha and Ryan are suddenly together, because both of their original partners ended up in the top four without them. Unfortunately, the couples are not introduced in descending order of suckiness. Instead, they are introduced in alphabetical order by girl’s name. Thus, in order, we get Aleksandra and Jason; Allison and Ivan; Ashlee (yay!) and Ben; Erin and Stanlislav; Jessica and James “Jaymz” Tuaileva; Joy and Dmitry; Martha and Ryan; and Natalie and Musa.

My observations during this sequence? Well, Aleks looks happier than she ever did when she was a contestant on this stupid show. Ashlee and Ben actually dance in sync with each other, unlike most of the couples. Erin and Stanislav – who? No, I’m not joking; I didn’t start watching the show until the week after those two went home, so this is literally the first time I’ve ever seen them. Jessica and James “Jaymz” Tuaileva impress me a teeny little bit when she does a good impression of lifting him.

My favorite part is seeing the pairing of Joy and Dmitry, who, you may remember, hate each other’s guts. He lifts her and swings her around like a ton of bricks. It could not be more awkward and graceless. Good job, guys. Oh, and I’m sure you will all be shocked to hear that Natalie shamelessly mugs for the camera. Aw – I missed her last week. The top four come out together at the end and are introduced in this order: Heidi, Benji, Donyelle, Travis. Travis is wearing those hilarious black motorcycle gloves again.

“I hate you more.” “No, I hate YOU more.”

That guy who doesn’t do anything at all, except voice over that we should welcome Cat Deeley every episode, does his minimalist thang. Cat comes out and I get a better look at her clothes. Okay, I guess it’s a dress, not a shirt. There’s kind of no difference – it’s a 1994-length dress (obscenely short), which would be fine, except that it’s long-sleeved and, I shit you not, turtlenecked. Oh, and also a bit shapeless. What gives? Pregnancy rumors! I already mentioned the purple animal print, but let me say it again: This thing is purple. With an animal print. Also, during her entrance, she repeatedly refers to the dancers as “my babies.” As in “I’ve missed you, my babies!” I don’t think I’ve ever heard her sound quite that moronic before. This strikes me as something Mariah Carey would say. And before a million Mariah fans flame me into oblivion, let me clarify that I am not a Mariah-hater; I like her all right; this just strikes me as the type of thing she would say, that’s all.

Cat is wearing a lot of heavy black eye makeup. It looks fine. I mean, it doesn’t, but it’s the least awful part of the outfit, so it’s fine. She says there were 16 million votes – a new record. Great job, “America”! Cat introduces the judges, of whom there are six. SIX? Hold on a second. Why are there six judges when, for the first time, there is absolutely nothing to judge? That’s got to make them feel useful.

JungleCat: all-time Hall of Shame.

The six judges are Nigel, who has little sparklies on his tie; Mary, who is wearing a hideous tight lacy black-brown evening-gown thing that I somehow think she has worn before; Brian Friedman, in an ugly gray-on-gray suit whose jacket is some kind of floral jacquard; Shane Sparks, who looks totally drugged and is wearing a suit, yet also a sweatband; Mia, in something shapeless and black, probably the nicest thing she’s ever worn; and Dan Karaty. Notice that Brian and Dan are sitting nowhere near each other, so they can’t claw each other’s eyes out. Also notice who is not included: the Two-Headed Monster (Cicely and Olisa – good riddance!) and Jean-Marc Genereux. I love Jean-Marc Genereux, but I do think he was one of the more useless judges when it came to his actual criticism.

Cat’s dress is really shiny. It gets more horrifying the more I look at it. Oh, Cat, thank you for wearing that for me! She delivers the recap of last week. There’s slightly more “new” backstage footage than usual, but most of it just boils down to the final four saying that this is their last chance to perform, so they have to bring it. There’s also a bit with Travis and Benji doing nerd voices in their nerd outfits. They say “Tranji” again – ouch.

We get a group dance with the whole top twenty. It’s choreographed by Shane, and – more from the Department of Endless Plugs! – it’s set to “(When You Gonna) Give It Up To Me” from the “hit movie” Step Up. I have checked, and apparently Step Up did, in fact, do better than expected at the box office. Thanks for all the help, Nigel! The dance is hands down the worst group number ever on this show. It’s just a bunch of disconnected hip-hop moves, and when people are supposed to be in unison, they aren’t. There’s no theme or anything. The whole thing seems like it was thrown together at the last minute, which it undoubtedly was. The top four are allowed to finish the routine standing up in the center, while everyone else is huddled face-down on the floor around them. Ouch – that’s a bit of a slap in the face, no?

Eat dust, minions.

After the commercials, Cat tells us that the top ten are about to embark on a tour of thirty-five cities and that it’s virtually sold out. I can personally vouch for this. I tried to get tickets today on Stubhub and found nothing under $150, and nothing under $200 if I wanted them in a block of four, which I did. I investigated two different locations, too. I am sad to say that while I would love to see this show, I wouldn’t love it enough to spend $200 on it. I hope some of y’all are going – I should have been quicker on the uptake. But more importantly, what the hell is going on here?! Are people seriously so into So You Think You Can Dance that it can sell out thirty-five cities, and people will pay $200 to get in? This has got to be a sign of the apocalypse.

Cat introduces a clip package devoted to the bizarro fact that this show is popular all over the world. No, not THIS show; they have their own versions of it in every country, just like Idol. I actually didn’t realize that. I thought this show was just an afterthought. We learn a couple of interesting things: In Turkey, the show is hosted by a man in drag; in Israel, old men are allowed to try out. It looks like culture does have some effect on the dance styles used, but not an overwhelming effect; the globalization of pop culture means that most people are dancing hip-hop or variations thereon. Also, the sets and credit sequences are pretty much identical everywhere. I bet I could really get into watching ANY foreign version of this show. Perhaps I should look into downloading some of that.

The host of the show in Turkey, allegedly. Cat should take some fashion tips.

Argh – now the contestants are going to dance their own favorite routines from the show. Yes, in other words, we will be watching routines that we have seen already. First up is Benji. In a shocking decision that is sure to cause millions of suicides all over America, he does NOT choose to revisit any of his dances with Donyelle. Instead, he says that he wanted to dance once more on the show with his cousin Heidi, and he opts for their “hottest routine – the mambo.” Oh, no he di’in’t. It was squicky enough watching them do this the first time. Now that he has actually called ATTENTION to this dance being “hot,” there is no way that I can forget for one second about the incest factor. How does this not occur to him? After this dance, I’m going to need a long, hot shower with lots of bleach.

I’m not actually going to recap these second-time-around dances. We’ve already seen them. Suffice it to say that Benji and Heidi dance the mambo again, and it’s just as bad-touch-filled as it was the first time around. Probably it’s great, but I’m averting my eyes most of the time, so who knows. The judges all give it a standing O.

For her own super-extra-favorite dance, Heidi has chosen her park-bench routine with Travis. I would be impressed by this choice, because we all know that that dance was well outside her comfort zone, but I have big doubts about whether these dances are the contestants’ actual choices. I think this bench thing was a big enough hit with the judges and the viewers that it was going to happen tonight whether Heidi wanted it to or not. Anyway, the dance is still awesome, and Mia Michaels still rocks for making me like a contemporary routine. Standing O again, and for good measure, Mia cries and Cat draws attention to it.

Ease up on the Mystic Tan, there, Donatella.

Next, we inexplicably abandon the “contestant’s choice” dances – I guess we’ll have more of those later? – and move on to some kind of “judge’s choice” segment. Mary delivers a speech about how thrilled she is that ballroom dancers have done so well in this competition. Stanislav, Dmitry, and James “Jaymz” Tuaileva were all in the top twenty, and Heidi and Benji are both in the top four. Then Mary tells us that her choice for tonight is to see a couple who had sparks on and offstage, but never danced together on the show. Who with the what, now? It turns out that she is referring to Natalie and Dmitry. Oh, I call foul. How come Mary is allowed to generate an entirely new couple rather than asking for her favorite dance of the season?

I definitely want to know more about this allegation that Natalie and Dmitry hooked up offstage. I don’t think there were any hints of that onscreen. Sure, she bawled when he got eliminated, but she did that for everybody. And I’m sure she plastered herself all over his body occasionally, but she did that for everybody too (except for Ryan). It just seems odd for the show to be pimping a new couple right now, after the whole thing is over and the tour is already sold out. Also, wasn’t it Cat who had a pretend lust connection with Dmitry?

All speculation and format-tinkering aside, I am happy to be seeing a new dance. Natalie is still wearing the knee brace. She and Dmitry do a routine that has both ballroom elements and worldbeat elements. It’s fantastic, actually, although they go out of sync a couple of times – I’d say they could have used more time to practice. It’s a shame we had to wait until tonight for this. I want to know who choreographed it, and appallingly, we are not told. Unless maybe the implication is that Mary did, since she’s the one who “requested” this? Kudos to whomever is responsible.

By decree of the producers, this dance is hereby designated Very Steamy.

Cat interviews Nigel a little bit about the tour “selling out in a matter of minutes.” This is Nigel’s opening to tell us about yet another way for the show to rake in money hand over fist: They’re going to send the choreographers out on a tour of their own, only it’s going to be called “dance clinics.” Well, that’s idiotic – how much can you learn from a choreographer in a gigantic group setting? Okay, okay, I actually have no idea. Maybe you can learn a lot, and maybe this is the best idea ever. I would pay to have Mia Michaels come and talk to me for an hour, and maybe rearrange my furniture or something. Not to teach me to dance, though.

Nigel also brags about Step Up, and about the show being number one in the summer ratings (again, some more). He thanks the audience and the judges and what-have-you, and he thanks some people I haven’t heard of “for believing in the tour.” I wonder if this tour is something that hasn’t been done in the other countries that have this show. Does anyone know?

Our first special musical guest of the night is Ciara, performing a song from, that’s right, Step Up. I am pleased to note that Ciara does not have breast implants (yet). However, she does do a really horrendous job of lip-synching, in the vein of Rihanna that other time. There’s just no attempt to make the performance sound like anything other than a prerecorded track. There is dancing, and there’s a wind machine to blow Ciara’s extremely fake-looking hair around. This comes in handy, because a lot of the time her hair covers her face, so she doesn’t even have to bother to lip-synch. Oh yeah, the song. It’s like a bad Janet Jackson ripoff. Actually, the dancing and the look are both like that too. Not seeing a lot of originality here. For some reason, the song is like nine minutes long. Kidding, but it’s way longer than it needs to be.

Miss Jackson, if you’re nasty.

Y’all, I seriously think Cat is pregnant now. Really. I know I keep harping on how bad she looks tonight, but I can’t help it; it’s like watching a train wreck. Is she married? Is this a child of scandal? I have no idea.

There are some commercials and then we get Donyelle’s “favorite” dance. There’s a flashback to that time when she was talking about the Viennese waltz and she said, “I want America to see two Vietnamese dancers.” Yes, it’s still awesome. Anyway, Donyelle chooses the number that she and Benji did from Hairspray. Luckily for her, this is the one where she gets to wear sneakers; not so luckily, it also has the awful yellow people-eating dress. Anyway, it’s still good. Whatever. Standing O. Yawn.

Now, are we seriously expected to believe that each of the final four was asked to choose his or her favorite dance to recreate, and it just so happened that they all chose only dances that involved other members of the final four? Sorry, I ain’t buying. Of course, we haven’t seen Travis’s pick yet, but I’d say it’s guaranteed to be something with Donyelle, just to even out the numbers of dances for the final four. Of course, this will be totally implausible – I don’t remember the two of them doing anything memorable together.

We have to wait to see that, though. For now, we’re getting Mia’s judge’s pick. She wants Ivan and Allison’s contemporary routine. She says that the first time they did it, she watched it at home on TV while she was cooking, and she burned her sauce. This whole story sounds creepy, like the cooking is really a metaphor for something else, such as beating the slaves she keeps in her dungeon. Mia then claims that she’s only cried twice during the season – once when she saw this dance, and once when Ivan was kicked off the show. Um, didn’t she just cry ten minutes ago after that park-bench dance? Anywho. Mia continues to be unhealthily fixated on Ivan. We see the dance again and I decide to pay attention, because I really hated this one, whereas everyone else on earth loved it. I am forced to grudgingly admit that it seems better to me this time.

We come back from break and – what the f–? Cat is onstage with two really scary life-sized puppets. I really think that at first; it’s not until one of them blinks that I realize they’re two of the dancers. This is the lead-in to another top-twenty group dance. It’s actually recycled, though. It’s that Wade Robson dance where they dressed up as Victorian zombies. It’s been changed up some, because when they danced this one before it was with only eight people or something. It turns out to be great – I like it even more than I did the first time. After it’s over, they all stand in a pack around Cat onstage while she talks, and for some reason they remain in character, with frozen zombie faces, the whole time. Snort.

Cat’s speeches do tend to have this effect on people. Or maybe they’re just waiting to eat her brains.

Cat tells us that the top ten dancers will be back for the tour, but for numbers eleven through twenty, fame and fortune end right NOW. They get a very undignified sendoff in the form of a clip package. Why were these ten even brought back for this episode? They didn’t do anything, other than the two group dances, neither of which would have been any worse if it had only had ten people. See ya later, Erin, Stanlislav, Ben, Aleks, Jessica, James “Jaymz” Tuaileva, Jason, Ashlee, Joy, and Musa (in no particular order). I don’t miss any of you, except for Ashlee.

Next we see a clip package about just Heidi, and then Heidi dances a solo. Gee, do you think it will involve a skimpy blue dress and lots of hip-swiveling? But wait – what’s this? I have been totally psyched out. Heidi is wearing a black ballgown and dancing to “I Love Rock and Roll.” Partway through she rips off her skirt. I did not see that solo coming. It wasn’t very good, but it was nice to have a little change. I wish she had done that sooner.

At this point, something totally weird happens. Cat comes up to Heidi with an envelope and says, “As you know, we are looking for America’s favorite dancer.” She opens the envelope and says, “I’m sorry, it’s not you.” SCREEEEECH. Yes, that was the sound of me slamming on my recapping brakes and suffering a serious case of whiplash. We are just over an hour into a two-hour show. Why are we abruptly revealing that Heidi is not the winner? And, I mean, what a lame way of doing it. Are we supposed to think that there was some chance Cat would open that envelope and discover that Heidi WAS the winner, halfway through the show? And when the next person solos, will he or she now do so assuming that he/she is getting this mean envelope trick as soon as the solo ends?

I’m pretty sure that Heidi did NOT know that she was about to get the hook at the end of her solo, before she even had time to catch her breath. I didn’t want her to win, and I didn’t think there was any chance at all that she was going to win, but this seems unnecessarily mean. Screw you, Cat Deeley. Yeah, yeah, I know, you’re just a figurehead. But still. Heidi handles it well. Some dude appears from offstage and gives her a bouquet. Is that the voiceover dude? Heidi thanks the judges and the choreographers and the other contestants. Cat is impressed; she says, “Wha’ a lady.” Cat is suddenly much more limey than usual.

But we have some lovely parting gifts for you!

Now we finally get Travis’s pick for his favorite routine. This is where the show gets even more evil, as he chooses to do his paso doble with Heidi. Yes, the same Heidi who was unceremoniously ejected from the show a mere three minutes ago. This means that post-ejection, she had to run backstage and do a fast costume change. (I’m assuming this is all live, which might be totally wrong.) Also, this skews the numbers very oddly, because it means that Benji and Travis both elected to do routines with Heidi; neither chose Donyelle, so that puts Heidi in three out of the four “dancer’s choice” numbers and Donyelle in only one. I’m surprised – I assumed the choices were rigged so that this wouldn’t happen. And it looks bad that Heidi is the first one eliminated, but also clearly the favored partner of the male contestants.

Anyway, Heidi is a pro, and she pulls off the paso doble, as you knew she would. This is that great routine where he comes onstage holding her up behind his head, with her legs together and straight up in the air. I had forgotten about this one. Yeah, it was good. It ends kind of suddenly, though. It would have made much more sense to air this before dropping the bombshell about Heidi’s elimination.

We see Donyelle’s clip package. Uh-oh – this can only mean that her solo is next. Is there going to be an Envelope of Doom? Her solo is a mushy contemporary/jazz number. Cat then shepherds Donyelle over to another part of the stage, and yes, she is holding an envelope. Run, Donny, run like the wind! But she doesn’t, and Cat pulls that “Sorry, it’s not you” bullshit again. It’s like a bad breakup. “Sorry, Donyelle, it’s not you, it’s me.” Bite me, Cat. Whoever that guy is brings Donyelle her very own bouquet. Donyelle totally cries, and when Cat makes her talk, she tells us a personal story. She says she quit dancing earlier this year and prayed for guidance on what to do with her life. Her success on the show has taught her that she can’t stop dancing. She cries some more, and again, this is a really mean way to make these cuts. Mia is also crying. Only cried twice this season, my ass.

After the commercial, Cat refers to Benji and Travis as “your top two.” I guess this is a revelation that they were the top two vote-getters, although it isn’t made completely clear. So was Donyelle third and was Heidi fourth? That’s what I would have expected, but it would be nice to know. We’re moving on to Brian Friedman’s judge’s choice dance, which is feeling awfully anticlimactic now that we’ve winnowed the field to two. Really, this show has no sense of narrative structure. It needs WRITERS, stat. I’ve heard people ask why most reality shows have writers. It’s because this is what happens when a show doesn’t bother with them.

Oddly, Brian requests Travis and Martha’s early Broadway number. This was definitely a great dance, but it seems so long ago now. Brian reminds us that after that dance, Nigel (and others) said that Travis and Martha were the couple to beat. Brian then totally violates Martha by saying that she lost her spirit after that first week, because “something personal must have happened in her life, which I don’t really know about, but I hope she has come back from that.” WHAT? I mean, God. Maybe she got in a fight with her mom, maybe she’s bulimic, maybe her dog died, maybe she got pregnant, maybe she got an ingrown toenail, maybe she flunked a class in high school, maybe a guy didn’t call her back, maybe NOTHING happened to her. Either way, it’s tough for me to imagine that Martha wants Brian Friedman, in his jackass jacket, speculating about her personal business on national television. This is even more inappropriate than Mary calling out Natalie and Dmitry as a couple.

Cat asks the crowd if they would “like to see Marth-er and Travis perform.” They would, I guess. Travis and Martha do their Broadway routine with the bowler hats. This is from that first week when I didn’t watch, so I’ve never seen the whole thing before, although I’ve seen clips from it, oh, seven thousand times or so. This routine seems geared to really hamming it up as a performer, whereas the actual dance steps are not that hard. In particular, Martha is not even trying. She’s just kind of walking around, not even lifting up her feet. She has a great smile, though. Not sure what’s going on there. Hopefully, she’s just furious at Brian Friedman. Brian does a little pointing thing which I think means that Travis is his boy and he wants him to win.

Confidential to Brian Friedman: EAT ME.

We see Benji’s clip package. There is no way that Cat is going to eliminate Benji right after this; there’s too much time left, and, gulp, Fergie still has to perform. Possibly Cat will pull a lame elimination fake-out, though. Actually, I think this is a fake-out, because Benji’s going to win, and they’re trying to make it look like he’s coming in second by showing his clips and solo before Travis’s. Benji does his solo. Like everyone else, he changes it up for once, doing a kind of rock-inspired-yet-emotional thing that’s miles away from his usual fifties doo-wop solos. Of course, it makes complete sense that the dancers would all take more risks when the outcome is predetermined.

Cat’s fake-out is the worst acting I’ve seen since, well, today’s episode of Passions. She yells about how she has an envelope, and then she opens it, and then she’s all “I’m sorry, Benji … you’re going to have to wait until after the break.” Shock! Get me my smelling salts! You suck, Cat Deeley. In case you haven’t noticed, I have a lot of unexplained hostility toward Cat tonight. I think it’s separation anxiety.

Next after the break is Travis’s clip package. Oh my, but this last half-hour is going to be annoying. What’s left? Are we actually going to have judges’ picks from Shane and Dan, in addition to Fergie’s performance? And can we fill an entire half-hour that way? I need some coffee. Travis does his solo, and I think it might be my favorite one he’s ever done. It’s pretty much his usual deal, but it’s to an Annie Lennox song, and basically I automatically love anything involving Annie Lennox. With the very notable exception of Allison and Ivan’s contemporary routine, which has, yes, grown on me.

After the solo, Cat does her envelope routine again, and this shtick is so old by now that I think I can actually see mold growing on it. Even though it’s the world’s most obvious psych-out, Travis is a little bit nervous, because he’s just a big ball of nerves. You can tell he’s thinking, “She’s going to say she’s sorry, and then she’s going to say I have to wait – but what if she doesn’t say that? What if it’s a DOUBLE fake?” It isn’t, though; nothing’s happening for right now. Travis gives Cat an adorable, genuine hug.

Fergie comes out to sing “London Bridge.” Yes, she actually sings it. Okay, not really; this song is just yelling, but it’s live yelling, not prerecorded. Oops, I spoke too soon: On the chorus, it is totally prerecorded. Other notable facts: Fergie is wearing shorts, which everyone knows I hate. And her backup dancers can actually dance, which she herself cannot. Actually, she can dance okay, but she’s made the mistake of going up there next to some really good dancers who make her look terrible by comparison. Anyway, it entertains. I mean, it has break-dancing Buckingham Palace guards; how could it not entertain?

Gah – I should have known. Post-Fergie, we get a whole bunch of audition footage. Listen, people, the audition footage sucked the first time you showed it, and it sucked again the second time, and the sixth time, and the fourteenth time, and it is not going to suddenly stop sucking just because this is the finale. The audition footage eventually segues into flashbacks of the season generally. We see a brief moment from one of my favorite developments ever, which was the time that Mia totally ripped Joy from stem to stern, yanked out her intestines, and tossed them onto the floor. Verbally, I mean. This whole clip package is set to “Unwritten,” which I now like, against my better judgment.

Oh, you have got to be kidding me. We get another group dance with the whole top ten, and we have seen this one before. It’s the “Cell Block Tango” number by Tyce DiOrio. Oddly, I’m pretty sure that Natalie was in the featured role last time, and this time it’s Allison. Other than that, if there are any differences between this performance and the previous one, I haven’t spotted them. Possibly the previous incarnation was with eight contestants, not ten? Anyway, as far as I’m concerned, this is a rerun. After yet another break, it’s time for Dan’s judge’s choice. Dan picks the Tranji dance, which I agree is the best routine of the season; however, we did just see it last week. Also, I’m guessing that this choice is rigged, since Tranji just happen to be the two people left in the competition.

Incidentally, what’s the deal with Shane Sparks tonight? He looks totally stoned, hasn’t said one word, and hasn’t offered up a judge’s choice yet. Ah, speak of the devil; here he comes. Cat asks Shane whether he ever thought that Travis and Benji would be the last two standing. Uh – what’s this? Shane’s hairdo/headband combo makes him look like he just had brain surgery, and when he talks, his demeanor is totally narcotized. What the hell is in Shane’s beverage? This is weird – I’m used to casting aspersions on the sobriety of Mary Murphy and Mia Michaels, but this is the first time I’ve ever suspected Shane of any shenanigans. Tonight he is somehow slowed down and sped up at the same time. He comes across a bit like a boxer who has taken one too many blows to the head.

Wow, uh, Shane, that was really nice of you to break out of the hospital to be here with us tonight, but I’m thinking you ought to get back soon, buddy.

Shane normalizes somewhat as he talks. He uses the word “Tranji.” Finally we get the Tranji dance. Wow, I should have kept track of how many costume changes Benji and Travis had tonight. There sure were a hell of a lot of them. After the dance, Cat does a horrendous bit where she puts on the nerd glasses and does her best nerd impression. It goes like this, in a high simpering lisp: “Excuse me, excuse me, can I be in your gang?” I hate to break it to you, Cat, but that is NOT what red-blooded American nerds say. Er, not that I would have any idea what nerds do or do not say.

Cat finally takes some measures to improve her look.

The judges deliver some final comments. So Shane never had a judge’s choice at all – so strange. He did choreograph that one awful group number; maybe that’s the explanation. Nigel says that choosing between Benji and Travis is like choosing between Fred Astaire and Gene Kelly, and if there’s anyone next year who’s as good as either of them, he’ll be delighted. Mary says they’re both great, and then she does a scream, with the pinchy hands and everything. Brian just copies her. Shane says that they both destroyed every style of dance (this is a good thing). Mia says that they both have a “triple threat” quality that might translate into film success. That’s great, Mia, but I’m pretty sure a “triple threat” is someone who can dance, act, and also sing – hence the word “triple.” Mia gushes some more, and the funniest thing she says is that every man in America wishes he could dance like Benji and Travis. This is what happens to people like Mia when they never meet anyone outside of show business, I think. Dan says that both guys are fun to watch.

Cat pushes her terrible bit way, way too far when she puts the nerd glasses back on again and says the thing about “I really want to be in your gang” again. STOP IT, STOP IT NOW. There’s one more freaking commercial break. Then Cat talks it all up again, about the 70 million votes (for all weeks combined) and whatnot. The lights are dimmed. Cat reads some notes to each guy in her usual portentous manner. She mentions where they auditioned and what the judges have said about them. It’s very concise – she must be running out of time. She gets right to the point:

“The winner … of So You Think You Can Dance … 2006 … is … Benji.” The crowd goes wild. Benji sobs in Travis’s arms. A guy whom I think is Benji’s dad sobs in the crowd; oddly, he’s holding an electric sign. Benji gets Travis to take a bow. Travis does a cute little smiling leg extension, collects his bouquet, and gives a big hug to the bouquet dude. Cat then tells Benji that there is someone else who has a very special message for him. And then -

AAH! Dear God in Heaven! What is that thing on my screen! I’m going to have nightmares for a month. It’s Celine Effing Dion, is what it is. We’ve been spared the indignity of a live appearance by this creature, but there she is on what I assume to be a giant screen, much like the one she inhabited on Deal Or No Deal. Possibly she’s just a cryogenically preserved head and shoulders floating in an aquarium? That would explain it. Anyway, “Celine Dion” claims unconvincingly that she has been watching the show. She shouts out Cat, the judges, the contestants, and finally Benji, by name. That bit was clearly pre-taped, so I guess the word was out in advance. Unless they made her tape four versions. They must have – we couldn’t possibly trust Celine Dion not to leak information of such vital national importance. She’s French-Canadian, for God’s sake.

Benji suddenly remembers what the prize is.

And with that, there is confetti, and Benji thanks America, and we are done. Not to be too much of a diva, but I want to thank all of you for reading, and I especially want to thank all of the commenters. Y’all have made me feel loved in my first large recapping job, and I truly appreciate it. Who knows – I guess I’ll see you next year? In the meantime, feel free to check out my Passions recaps. No, it won’t be the same at all, but it’s another steaming pile of network garbage, so we should all feel right at home!