Can y’all believe that the season finale of So You Think You Can Dance is coming up in just a few days? I can’t. Where will I turn for meaning in my life? Anyway, here’s what happened on this week’s results show. First off, Cat wore pants! Obviously this is a sign of a tear in the fabric of the space-time continuum. In my opinion, she looked truly hot for the first time ever.
We get a group dance – obviously, with only six people. They’re all dressed in black, and they’re doing a Goth-type contemporary number to that song that they played on The O.C. when Marissa shot Trey. Everyone is wearing a lot of black eyeliner. Also, for some reason, they all have their names stenciled on their black clothes, which are heavily rag-influenced. This is a pretty cool number. I think everybody does a good job. They all look shell-shocked, which is the idea.
A Superman leap and THREE man-dresses? How could anyone be unsatisfied with this?
Wow, Cat just looks awesome. She’s wearing a silky black halter top and her hair and makeup are kind of 1940s – just beautiful. The only bad thing I can say about Cat’s outfit is that it might be a pantSUIT, like a one-piece thing. That would be icky. Plus, that would make it really hard to go to the bathroom. We find out that Mia Michaels choreographed that routine. I suspected that while I was watching it, but I didn’t have the courage of my convictions, because the last time I made a guess like that, I was wrong. I should have known, really, because it seemed mime-influenced. I wonder if Mia worked her way through college as a mime or something.
Cat sucks America’s toes big time, praising us for our steadfastness in setting yet another voting record, with 12.5 million. We say hi to the judges. Nigel salutes – huh? Mary is wearing something really ugly, but it’s not ugly enough to merit a lot of discussion. What’s more disturbing is the dumb little dance she’s doing in her seat. She somehow induces the other judges to join her, so that they all look like drunken fools. Mia is the happiest she’s ever been. Forget the drunkenness – they’re all on ecstasy. That’s my official diagnosis.
Maybe they’re practicing for their “Proud Mary” cruise-ship routine.
Cat reminds us that the prize of this show is not all bad, after all. Yes, you have to be in Celine Dion’s show for a year, but you also get a hundred grand and a new hybrid SUV. Wow, that’s almost worth it. We see last night’s recap. Nothing new happens. Cat reminds us that the three girls will be on the chopping block after the commercial.
We’re doing a brand-new format this week, just like we do every episode. In particular, this week, everybody is going to do a solo before we find out who’s in the bottom two. Natalie goes first. She dances to a Jann Arden song that I happen to like. I think her solo is better than usual, but what’s hilarious is what happens after, when Cat asks Natalie who she’s blowing kisses to, and she sobs that it’s Allison. We see Allison in the audience and she’s bawling just like Natalie. Wow, I guess that on-stage makeout session from last week was more meaningful than I thought. I can’t believe that other, more normal humans like Allison are now allowing themselves to be sucked into Natalie’s Vale of Gratuitous Tears.
I warned you not to drink the Kool-Aid, Allison.
Nigel says that Natalie took a lot of shit last night from the judges for not showing enough emotion. Once again, tonight, he thought she was good but not really up to snuff. He says he thinks that when Musa was eliminated, he took a little piece of Natalie away with him, and Nigel has never rooted for her in quite the same way again. He muses about why Musa’s departure might have had that effect. Ech, that is such a fat pitch. I feel I have no choice but to speculate that Natalie lost some of her mojo as a result of not getting it regular anymore once Musa was gone, even though I don’t really believe that. Natalie seems to actually agree with Nigel’s assessment. The crowd boos; Allison cries.
Mary says that Natalie has looks, personality, and talent. Sometimes she goes over-the-top theatrical, but that’s okay. Isn’t that kind of the exact opposite of Nigel’s “not enough emotion” criticism? I mean, obviously Nigel and Mary are allowed to disagree, but it seems a little confusing for the person on the receiving end. Mia says that Natalie will have a long career and she needs to stop trying so hard, because she’s got it and she doesn’t need to force it. Uh-oh – that sounds like a “see ya later”-type judge’s comment, although that would clash with my theory that only Nigel knows the results at this point. I think I’m revising that. I don’t think that all the judges always know the results, but Mia is high enough on the totem pole that she probably does.
Next to solo is Heidi. She does a Latin routine and she wears an outfit that I swear she’s worn before. If not, she’s worn something very similar. She has her standard fake grin plastered on. I feel like this is just as auto-pilot as her solo from last night. Nigel says that Heidi has improved every week and if there were five more weeks of competition, he would expect her to win. Well, that was sort of a backhanded compliment. Mary says that Heidi is totally deserving. Mia says that although Heidi is most improved, she’s still not versatile enough. Nigel kind of argues with her, which is a waste of time.
Heidi: FILE FOOTAGE
Donyelle does her solo last. She dances to “Buttons,” which the Pussycat Dolls actually performed on the show, and she does a Bollywood-style thing. I don’t think it’s up to scratch technically, but again I admire her for trying something totally new. Nigel says that Donyelle “got lost” in the Benji partnership but is now showing him again how great she is as an individual. Mary gushes about Donyelle’s eyes, and I want to know more than ever whether or not they’re contacts. Again, they’re equally beautiful whether they are or not; I mostly just want to know whether she’s a savvy enough professional to have gone out and shopped for those eyes. Mia says that eyes or no eyes, Donyelle has stopped improving every week. Mary sticks up for Donyelle, and then Mary and Mia have a fake girlfight and a fake kiss-and-make-up session. Awesome.
Mary learns a valuable lesson about not sharing the pharmaceuticals with Mia.
After commercials, we have Travis. God – I am officially sick of him, as of this moment. He solos to Westlife, which is apparently not the same thing as Lifehouse, and I am just so tired of him doing every single solo to some slow, angsty, navel-gazing emo-sounding crap. Nigel says that Travis is the best technician, but should be even more confident. Mary babbles about how she loves Travis, etc. etc. Mia loves the fact that Travis is always himself, and she says it would be a privilege for her to hire him and work with him forever. Wow – that is the most positive thing she’s ever said about anybody.
Ivan comes out and I am instantly confused, because the screen says that this song is by Wade Robson, and I have spent the past several weeks learning that Wade Robson is a famous choreographer. Is he also a musician? The song doesn’t have vocals, at least not the part that we hear. Anyway, Ivan’s dance. It’s a boring, jerky, robot-style hip-hop dance. Nothing we haven’t seen over and over. Nigel says, “In the words of a friend and colleague of mine, Randy Jackson, I have to give you ‘props.’” The way he says that, you can actually hear the quotation marks – ha. Nigel thinks it’s cool that there’s still an untrained dancer on the show, and he pimps the new movie Step Up, which portrays a hip-hop dancer getting classical training. Er, does anybody know whether that movie has any financial affiliation with Nigel or Fox? My money’s on yes.
Mary tells us a pretty funny story, which is that the whole time she was comparing Ivan to Seabiscuit, he never had any idea what she was talking about, and he’s just now seen the movie over the weekend and finally gets the reference. Mary goes on to clarify that she never meant that Ivan was “broken down.” Whatever, Mary. It was always a dumb comparison, and the more you have to parse it, the dumber it gets, but it’s still funny that he probably just thought that this loony woman was making up her own words. Mia says that she had a ton of fun working with Ivan on this week’s group dance. She ends by saying, “I love you.” Ecstasy, I tell you.
Benji is last. He does his usual kind of thing – swing music, moves like a tap dancer, a tie and suspenders, hips swiveling at the speed of light. He has a great ending, where he slides under the stairs. Nigel echoes what he said to Travis: Travis is the best technician, but Benji is the best performer. Mary says Benji is versatile, professional, and really wants it. Mia says that Benji has more technical limitations than you would think – she’s found that out through working with him. This is essentially the same thing she said to Heidi. God, I love how Mia tells the truth. Then she says that Benji is nonetheless a star, and brings a quality as a performer that is very rare and makes him “pretty friggin’ special.” Huh. Overall, Mia was very kind to all three boys and very harsh to all three girls this week. Wonder what that’s about.
We still aren’t doing the whole “Danger Zone” thing this week. Instead, after the commercial, we go straight to our musical guest, Omarion. He doesn’t get a clip package or intro like some of them have had; he just dives right into his song. It’s very old-school funk/R&B. He’s wearing Stevie Wonder glasses and Stevie Wonder cornrows. Considering my extreme ancientness and preference for anything that reminds me of the ’70s or ’80s, it’s no surprise that I love this performance. Also, he dances and he has a bunch of backup dancers. I think that should be essentially required for the guest artists on this show. And I love his outfit: pink shirt, black vest, jeans. Just pimped-out enough without going to far.
Well done, Omarion. Well done.
Nigel gives us some new dirt about the tour. He says it will include both Mia’s park-bench routine and Mary’s paso doble. Ooh, I like this idea, that they’re going to recreate the show’s greatest hits. He gives the show’s web address and Cat says “easy-peasy.” I love it when Cat accidentally says something that American’s don’t say. She hauls the dancers out onto the stage – girls first. I haven’t mentioned thus far that Natalie is still wearing her knee brace. Well, she is.
Cat goes through her little rundown of last night’s “jidges’” comments. A lot of them were really quite negative. Then she announces that Heidi is safe. She goes to some lengths to clarify that she is not saying that Heidi got the most votes – she’s just saying that she didn’t get the least. So there’s no “bottom two” conceit at all this week, then. That’s fine – just a bit confusing that they never explain anything. Okay, I’ll stop complaining about that now. I am struck again by the fact that Heidi’s outfit looks awfully familiar, and I’ve decided that it also looks bad (showing too much of her scrawny midsection), and her hair looks like a wig. I am not feeling especially charitable toward Heidi this week, but that was bound to happen. I didn’t want any of these girls to leave, so I was going to feel resentful toward whomever got to stay.
Natalie and Donyelle both look depressed and hug each other in an unconvincing manner. Cat torments them, and us, with a commercial. Afterward, she leaves the two girls hanging and moves on to the guys. Meanwhile, Natalie does a bunch of annoying mugging for the camera, designed to let us all know that she already knows she’s leaving and she’s too cool to be on the edge of her seat right now heading for a fall.
Don’t stop paying attention to me, me, me!
Cat runs down the “jidges’” comments about the guys. Just like last week, Travis looks like he is 100 percent guaranteed to vomit in the next thirty seconds. I guess he’s in trouble, considering he got the lowest votes of these three last week. Finally, after an eternity, Cat drops her first serious fakeout of the season when she says “Benji….” It sure does seem like she’s about to say that he’s safe, but then she continues: “… Ivan – it’s one of you two [going home].” Travis then has a freakout of pure, unadulterated joy. Oh, man, he was so positive he was leaving. Great job, “America”! Travis didn’t deserve to almost get booted last week, so good job voting him out of danger this week, even though, as I said, I’m officially bored with his routines.
Excessive sweating, nausea – Travis has all the symptoms of malaria….
… until he gets the miracle cure.
Travis jumps about sixty feet off the stage and hugs the other guys and Heidi over and over again. Ivan and Benji get sent to the “Danger Zone,” so I guess we are playing that game after all, and the girls get summoned back. Natalie is still doing too much talking and too much gesturing, all designed to show how cool she is with getting eliminated. Well, okay, everybody copes differently, and I’m sure she can’t help it. Since her natural reaction is to burst into tears whenever the weather report is bad, she must be fighting like hell to keep her composure right now, so I guess I shouldn’t whine about her chosen technique.
Natalie is eliminated. She responds by yelling out “Opa!” (This would be a Greek expression of celebration.) Everybody loves this; Cat flat-out says that it’s the best reaction anybody’s ever had and calls it “genius,” and the judges give Natalie a standing O for it. I think it’s very cool too, but I would be more impressed if I didn’t think she’d been planning it for weeks. She doesn’t cry. We see her clip package, in which she also yells “Opa.” I didn’t realize it wasn’t a first. I count approximately five crotch shots in her clip package, because it’s hard to really define whether some of them count. Some of them are crystal-clear, though. After the clips, Natalie finally cries a little when she tells the other contestants that they’re her family, but she ends it all on a spunky note by reminding us that she’ll be back for the tour. I, for one, will be cheering for her really loudly.
After the next break, Cat gets right down to business with the other elimination. The eliminee is Ivan, duh. So Benji joins Heidi, Donyelle, and Travis in the final four, which seems pretty fitting. Ivan smacks Benji on the ass, and Cat points it out; that was pretty funny. Ivan’s clip package is boring, but he is cute, like always. Nigel goes slightly insane at the end of it, pretending to be a boxer. Ivan thanks the voters and the judges.
Ladies and gentlemen, your Final Four!
So I do wish that we had kept Natalie and lost Heidi instead, but I don’t care too much because I’m still securely strapped into my seat on the Benji Love Train. It’s true that he impressed me less this week, because I noticed his tendency to repeat himself. But all of the other dancers take themselves too darn seriously, and that’s a deal-breaker for me. We don’t get much of a finale preview, but the one thing I do notice is that Cat claims that “all of the final four will have to dance with each other.” Now, I’m pretty sure that she means we’ll be seeing Heidi/Travis, Heidi/Benji, Donyelle/Travis, and Donyelle/Benji. But I really, really hope that she means it literally and we’ll also be seeing Heidi/Donyelle and Benji/Travis. Please, please, please, please, please?