Recap: So You Think You Can Dance: Practice at Home

***Note from the Editor: The lovely Krank Mills is on vacation this week, and our newest recapper has graciously agreed to fill in! SUCKA!! Thanks, Pachita! xoxox

Hey All! I am super-psyched to be filling in on one of my favorite favorite shows. I frequent Krank Mills’ recaps and know I’ve got some big [tap] shoes to fill, but I promise to try my very best. See what I did there? Tap Shoes? Cause we’re talking about a dance show?! Nothing? Oh fuck it, on with the show.

After our top six are introduced (as if we don’t already know their names), Cat sashays her way to the stage and tells us that we’ll be seeing each pair dance twice and then we’ll get six solos before the lines open. Tonight’s the night to pick your finalists, America! This is So You Think You Can Dance!

Our first pair of the night is Lacey and Pasha doing a hip-hop routine by Dave Scott. During practice, we find out the theme of this bad boy is Xanadu-esque with Lacey starting out as a mannequin. Lacey growls at the camera for some strange reason and I throw my phone at the TV. She’s been getting increasingly annoying, no? I suppose I should ignore it. That’s the third phone I’ve broken this month.

The dance starts and Lacey is mannequin-ing her ass off on a chair while Pasha fancy footworks all over the place. Lets gets real, people, Pasha is so freaking cute, I don’t know what to do with myself. The dance starts out a little strange and I’m wondering when Lacey’s going to come alive. Correct me if I’m missing something, but at this point in the game, shouldn’t we be focusing on the dancing? Don’t get me wrong, she’s pretty damn good at standing still; I would just like to see a little more dancing.

So You Think You Can Stand Still, Stand Still, Stand Still….

The number eventually starts to pick up and they both rock the pachita out of the stage. I am just starting to love it when it ends abruptly and never takes off the way I was expecting. Oh well, it’s a good thing I was waiting for the first commercial break to change into my dance clothes because that was a bit of a bore. Did I mention I feng shui my living room furniture and do all the dances myself as I watch? I think it really makes the show come alive.

On to the jidges! A brief aside: have we fully explored why the crap Cat pronounced the word ‘judges’ this way? Because I’m pretty sure it’s fake. Every time she says it, it sounds more and more fake Aussie. But, I digress. Nigel loved Pasha’s ‘dorky hip-hop’ character and Lacey’s movement as the mannequin. Mary thinks Pasha was crazy-good tonight and that the wind is still blowing in the right direction for the both of them. Debbie Allen is our guest judge again tonight and thinks it was a great opening number, they had great energy, totally nailed it, great energy (again?), just great. It was all around great. A whole lotta greatness happening here. OKAY, Debbie, WE GET IT, IT WAS GREAT. Can we move on please?

So, Debbie. What’d you think?

Sabre is our first solo dance of the night and while she is a great dancer and all, the solos are just really boring at this point. The dancers each go back to the style they are most comfortable with, making all their solos look the same. Long story short, I’m not a big fan a solos. And I’m really not a big fan of Sabre’s chosen solo outfit. It’s bad enough she’s wearing a purple maliform bathing suit, couldn’t we have done without the sequined pageant banner?

Daniel and Lauren are up next with a Mia Michael’s contemporary routine. I am PUMPED because, come on, Mia is a flippin’ genius. During rehearsal the pair tells us that Mia wants the movement for this piece to be more alien because inhuman is more interesting. Umm, okay Mia, sure thing [crazy]. As it turns out, this is not my favorite routine of Mia’s. The dancers do well, but I feel like it’s just a lot of spinning and round kicks. Don’t get me wrong, there are a couple of WOW bits, like when Lauren runs across the stage and dives into Daniel’s arms. Take it from me, this is not easy to do. Sure, I may be making it a tad more difficult by using an armchair as a partner, but hey, my dog just isn’t very limber. To finish off the dance they chase each other up the stage stairs and frolic behind the audience.

My dog totally did this move on a sock monkey this morning.

Nigel thinks it’s incredible, absolutely incredible. He also gives props to Manny, the camera man, for being so quick on his feet and following them up the stairs. Oh happy day Manny, you finally got your 15 minutes! Mary says that there’s nothing to say after that but WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Two tickets on the hot tamale! But this isn’t your ordinary train, it’s the bullet train tonight! I don’t know what the crap a bullet hot tamale train is, but it sounds hella cool. Plus, Mary’s got all kinds of crazy in her eyes tonight, so I wouldn’t question her. Debbie says it is “passion and perfection personified. Yeah, I alliterated, and what, BITCHES?”

Pasha’s solo is up next and while you know how I feel about solos, Pasha can do no wrong. The fact that he is awesome is hit home by the fact that his solo is to “Total Eclipse of the Heart!” There is a mannequin on stage in a dress and Pasha dances around it. It is the craziest, weirdest thing I’ve ever seen but he gets 2,093,572,039 points for the song alone. Now, I have zero mannequins and countless scars from trying to dress the dogs, so I take this opportunity to showcase my singing skills from the couch (that’s right folks, I’m a regular jack-of-all-trades). I am just getting to the profanity (mine was the unedited “Total Eclipse of the Heart”, a la Old School) when the song ends. I am hardcore swooning and realize Pasha is wearing a blazer with nothing underneath. Hey Mary, give this boy a ticket on the hot tamale train and have it stop by my place, mmmkay? Thanks.

Choo choo, Sailor!

Neil and Sabre are up next with a jazz routine by Mandy More. It is supposed to be (according to Mandy) an 80′s jazz power lunch, like the ultimate business meeting. Whatever that means. The power lunch is set to “Sweet Dreams” by the Eurythmics. Turns out the music alone is winning me over tonight. The dance is pretty good, complete with high lifts, karate kicks, angry faces, and I’m not sure but I think I saw some spirit fingers in there. My vertigo kicks in and I have to lay on the floor for a spell, but Neil is totally in his element on this one.

Nigel says he was worried, b/c he hopes the finale comes up to this standard. Oh Nigel, I was worried you were going to say something BAD you tricky, handsome devil! He comments on the plange and how much he lovers it (aaand how!) and tells Neil that while his gymnastic skills have always been great, he’s become quite a dancer as well.

Mary is still smiling. I think at this point in the season she’s just plum out of ways to be crazy. She says the lifts were great and I 100% agree, they were fantastic. Debbie says “That’s how I like it, I like it like that, give it to me hard, give it to me strong.” Woah, Debbie, lets not get off topic, we’re talking about DANCING sweetheart.

Keep it in your pants, you’re on TV!

Lauren’s solo is next. She does well, but once again, me no likey solos. Give me pairing, give me choreography, give me tickets on the hot tamale train!

Lacey and Pasha are up next with a smooth waltz. During the rehearsal I find myself annoyed with Lacey all over again. Why does she make such stupid faces at the camera? Do they instruct her to do that? Anyway, I’ve never been a fan of the slow dances, but the movements are beautiful and Pasha can do no wrong. Now, I’m not a professional [yet], but I wouldn’t have ever known Lacey isn’t a classically trained dancer watching this. They are graceful and elegant and YAWN. Can we get to something a little quicker? Sorry, my ADD is far too severe to sit through the slow dances.

Nigel thinks it’s absolutely beautiful. One weakness was Lacey’s hand which, at one point, looks dead at the end of her arm. Gosh, Lacey, can you do anything right? Cut to Benji crying in the audience and denouncing any blood relation.

Mary says it was dreamlike and beautiful. The way Pasha dances and carries himself just freaks her out – in a good way though, don’t worry. Were you concerned Mary was going to try eating him? Me, too! Aww, readers, it’s like we’re one person sometimes! She goes on the say how much she loved his double-spin-majiggy-triple-step-back-over-thing and ooh, Mary, I love it when you talk ballroom, meet me on the bullet train .

Neil is our next solo and does a dance to “Out of My Hands” by the Dave Matthews Band. It’s very ballet – with a killer backflip in the middle. Again, good stuff, just the same old. To be honest, I’ve had a soft spot for Neil ever since his jazz performance with Lacey a few weeks back.

Nuff said.

Next up are Lauren and Danny with a disco routine by Doriana Sanchez. They are dancing to “Don’t Leave Me This Way” by the Communards and just when I think I don’t know the song, the chorus hits and OMG! I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve seen enough Studio 54 and Saturday Night Fever to disco the pants off the best of ‘em, and proceed to do so (much to the dogs’ chagrin). I do notice for this routine that Lauren seems to be a split second ahead of the music a few times in the beginning. I thought the whole thing was a little messy and a few times it looked like they forgot what they were supposed to be doing.

Nigel says that although it was a really tough routine, he thought they were absolutely incredible. He tells Lauren he can tell it was tough by the bruises on her legs and EEW. Turns out the judges are in full perv mode tonight!

Mary thought it was so much fun! Lauren looked like a 70′s goddess. It was great to see Danny enjoying something so much. Oh geez, I hate when Mary gives sane remarks, they’re so boring. Debbie also (no surprise here) loved it.

Lacey’s solo is next and actually turns out to be my favorite of the night so far (oops, except for you Pasha! Love ya, kisses!). She may be annoying but the girl can dance.

I’m totally buying this outfit and wearing it to a yoga class.

Sabre and Neil are up with another Paso Doble choreographed by Tony Meredith. They both looked great, with the exception of Neil’s leather pants. Fact: matadors hate leather. Their technique was spot on and there was a nutsoid lift at the end where she links herself around him and drops to the floor. Damn, if only I hadn’t had my stripper pole removed… turns out lamps are not the best to practice that one with. Who wants to go to the hospital?! These two are pretty badass.

Nigel says it was stunning and thinks one of them could win the competition after that. Mary loved it, thought the shapes were good, and informs us that they are officially BACK ON THE TRAIN AGAIN, WOO! Neil is a train virgin so Mary gives him a few extra WOOOOO’s and I mute my TV for a few minutes.

What’s with the muu muu, crazy pants?

Debbie originally didn’t feel like seeing the Paso Doble again, until she saw them! She says “Neil, you are the matador, yes you were.” She also comments on the way Sabre worked the shit out of her skirt and I can tell she’s got her mind in the gutter again.

Danny’s solo is our last performance of the evening and its typical Danny. He moves very well. There is one part where he gets all up in the camera’s face and flashes us a super cheesy “pick me!” smile. Gag.

And with that, the lines open. On Monday, we find out which guy and which girl will be going home. I can honestly say I don’t want any of them to go! What did you guys think? Who will go home? Who will continue on to the finals? How can I get on the bullet hot tamale train?

Or if I fall over dead from arthritis I’ll quit. Whichever comes first.