Recap: So You Think You Can Dance: Not for the Faint at Heart

Too soon, title? Debbie Allen in da’ house! Except, despite the massive amount of respect she has with the dance community, Debbie? Sucks as a judge. You go in expecting Mia Michaels crossed with Oprah, and end up with Mrs. Huxtable after one of Mr. Huxtable’s patented foot rubs. Meaning? She loves everyone and everything (almost!) and offers no criticism. Boo!

Come on, jidges! We want the hard-hitting commentary, so spare me the flower-talk and send only bitchiness c/o The Washed-Up Dancer Express! Welcome to SoYouThinkYouCanDance!My only comment on the opening solos: Jamie looks like Goku from Dragon Ball Z. That is all.

Everyone’s always sticking their toothpick in the same hors d’oeuvres.

Cat’s dress tonight is definitely a fashion DON’T. It’s made of stretchy, sparkly black lycra, cinched up the side and ONE-SHOULDERED. I don’t care what kind of Greek Goddess bullshit you throw about a one-shouldered dress, it is never a do in my book.

And as I said in the intro, tonight’s guest judge is none other than Debbie Allen. She’s had an impressive career, in which she never had to give criticism, apparently.

Debbie drones on and on about how wonderful the dancers are, how wonderful the show is, “dance vocabulary” blah blah blah.

Cat zoned out 15 minutes ago.

There’s a lot of jibber-jabber, now and all night long, because we’re still filling a two-hour time slot, but have two fewer pairs than before.

Tonight’s contestant interviews will center around their aspirations outside of the dance world. I could really do without these getting-to-know-you interviews in favor of some good old-fashioned interpersonal drama, but no! Boring question it is! Great.

Sara would like to be a dance journalist. Um, not quite “outside of the dance world,” but she’s one of the few tonight that actually has a Bachelor’s degree, so go for it, Sara! Jesús would like to earn a lot of money so he can pay it forward and help other people as he was once helped. I really hate that “pay it forward” is like a real phrase nowadays. Seriously, Helen Hunt, Haley Joel Osmont and a disfigured Kevin Spacey have to be the hammiest cast to ever appear in a film together.

This week Sara and Jesús are krumping. That could be awesome for Sara and her b-girl background, but Jesús doesn’t really project an aggressive vibe AT ALL. But he’s in good hands, as the pair’s routine is choreographed by Lil’ C, inventor of krumping.

Lil’ C promises some “unorthodox” moves. I think my personal favorite is the “Bathroom Stall,” which Lil’ C named thusly because “all you can see is the feet.” Um, except it’s not like krumping gives you the ability to actually become invisible from the shins up, but whatever.

Rehearsals were funny, but Sara and Jesús’ actual routine is a little lacking. They do the moves pretty well, but compared to the really aggressive and exciting krumping from last year, (I’m thinking specifically of Martha and Travis’s routine) this just seems kind of wimpy. Plus they’re not in unison at all.

But hey, what do I know? The audience is going craaaazy. Debbie Allen loved it. And Nigel liked it because it was less aggressive. You would, whitey.

Up next: Shauna and Cedric. This is their first week paired together, as each of them lost their partners last week, though Shauna says it’s fine because she loves Cedric. I bet Jimmy’ll be thrilled to hear that. Shauna would like to be a techno singer. Really? That’s a thing? Like, a computer doesn’t do the singing? Cedric wants to make toys because he loves toys. And is four and a half years old. No, four and three quarters! Okay, he’s almost five.

This week the pair will be performing a Mia Michaels contemporary routine, since she is the only one that will work with Cedric anymore. Mia says the routine will be a “celebration and a goodbye.” To Cedric? In the rehearsal studio, it’s typical Mia Michaels talk, all “organic” and “earthy.” Mia has faith in Shauna (I mean, she’s a contemporary dancer after all), but worries that this is Cedric’s last chance.

The dance itself is probably one of Mia’s less inspired efforts. Most of the thrill seems to stem from the fact that Shauna and Cedric bounce on-and-off the stage into the audience at the beginning. Then Shauna shows how amazing she is while Cedric sits in a corner. When Cedric is actually moving, he’s just doing the usual boneless-thang. It goes well with the music, but isn’t all that interesting.

Of course, Debbie Allen loved it.

That part where you just stood there took my breath away!

Dude, has she watched this show before? Does she not know we like our judges biting? Just turn to your right Debbie to see how it’s done, as Mary Murphy proceeds to rip Cedric yet another asshole. She’s way harsher than Nigel was last week, saying she really thinks he’s done in the competition. She backhand-compliments Mia Michaels, saying she smartly hid Cedric for much of the routine and even when he WAS dancing, he still hasn’t shown any growth. So true all of it, but the ruthless way Mary said it basically guarantees that America’s going to save him. Because if there’s one type of guy teenage girls love, it’s a man who needs saving. Because he’s so good on the inside!

Oh yeah, Cedric is calming the boo-ers and telling youngsters to get to class and study. He’s not going anywhere this week.

Debbie Allen, inspired by this little speech, extends Cedric an invitation to come dance with her school. Nigel assumes he needs a scholarship and because we’re on TV, Debbie agrees to it. Mmm Nigel you know just how I love my reality TV — mixed with pity and charity to give me that warm, tingly feeling inside. I’m helping to save the world just by watching SYTYCD!

Lacey, since the taping of last week’s show, has lost a good friend. To death. Now she just wants to make the world happy with her dancing. I would snark, but, you know, her friend died. Plus she’s a really good dancer! Outside of the dance world, Kameron wants to have a big family and support them the way his family supported him. Dibs!

This week Lacey and Kameron are doing the quickstep. Any time a pair draws ballroom it goes much more smoothly when one of the pair is a ballroom dancer, and this week is no exception. Kameron is struggling a little, but after Tony Meridith breaks out his scarecrow-making-contraption to straighten Kameron’s frame, the pair look great in rehearsals.

Two seconds after this dance started when I watched it live, I turned to my viewing-mates and said “I love it.” And I still do. It’s quick and fun, in unison and the two of them look so great together, YET AGAIN. Nigel later says they veer from the quickstep and get into swing dancing/jitterbugging in the middle, but I don’t care because A. Lacey’s a swing champ and B. It’s the choreographer’s fault, so shut up, JIDGES. They were amazing.

Debbie Allen mentions that “week to week [they] impress us.” Us?? Does Debbie Allen watch this at home on TV and pretend she’s a jidge? God, I hope so! Mary concurs. She thinks they both did an amazing job. Normally Mary thinks the quick-step is the kiss of death for a couple, but Lacey and Kameron pulled it off.

Next up: Anya and Danny doing hip-hop. Dun dun DUNNN!! Anya would like to one day open an animal shelter because she loves animals. Deep. Danny wants to work in television and movies, be it behind the scenes or in front of the camera, meaning he really wants to be in front of the camera, but knows how douche-y it would be to say he wants to be an actor.

Even though both are out of their comfort zones, no one mentions that king Danny of the dance could possibly be struggling with this in any way. I mean, I love him, but I’m starting to see some of the cockiness the judges were worried about in Vegas. This week’s rehearsal video is all about how Anya’s so unsure about hip-hop, mostly because she’s used to counting, while hip-hop is about the “Pshhh-K-Boom… Boom.”

The routine is… good. Love the air piano. So street. Neither of them look like natural hip-hop dancers. They both have the moves, but I think Anya’s dancing with more personality. Cool ending, but definitely not up to their usual ass-kicking standard.

Men in Black 4: Stomp the Galaxy

Debbie Allen thinks there’s “nothing that [they] can’t do.” She calls Danny a matinee idol and hits on him in a way that makes me think she’s guest-starring on That’s So Raven as Raven’s long-lost, horny great aunt. Nigel wasn’t as enthusiastic as Debbie and Mary, saying it was definitely the weakest performance they’ve given, though he does admit that he’s holding them to a higher standard.

If Dominic could do anything in life, it would be to do headspins naked. Ugh, redo! Sabra wants to be a stand-up comedian. Because she wants to meet Ellen Degeneres. Um is Sabra a lezzie?

This week Dominic and Sabra are dancing the Rumba. Neither of them know what it is. Sillies! It’s a robotic vacuum! Oh wait, that’s a Roomba. No the Rumba, as Jean-Marc Generaux explains it is “a lot of romance. A lot of passion.” They always say that about Latin ballroom! The rehearsal is pretty bumpy, with them falling pretty much continuously.

Aside from the fact that they’re dancing to a Pussycat Dolls song, this dance rules. I think it’s a slow Rumba, but both of them look assured and all the wobbliness from the rehearsals is gone. There’s lots of balancing and partnering involved and it’s ten million times better than their disco was.

Debbie steals Mary Murphy’s shtick and tells someone to call the fire department because that was hot. I never thought there’d be someone even cheesier and less imaginative than Mary Murphy with her comments, but there you go. Mary compliments their growing partnership, and gives them “two tickets to the hot tamale train,” complete with follow-up scream and twirling arms. Ah, this kind of kookiness is exactly what got Mary Murphy a permanent seat on this panel.

One way ticket on the crazy train.

Lol, Mar. Before they can go, Sabra asks Mary if they also “cut the mustard.” What, a seat on the hot tamale train isn’t enough? Ungrateful!

Lauren wants to be an astronaut in the future. Right, because that takes little or no training at all.

Phone home.

Neil would like to be a singer/actor as well. I would say that’s a douche-y answer, but he’s been on Broadway, so I guess that’s in the realm of possibility.

This week they’ll be dancing the Tango. When Lauren is sick on the day of rehearsals, Jean-Marc Generaux launches into his Joe-Pesci-in-Home-Alone impression, telling her to leave it at the door. I don’t know if it’s the orange walls or what, but Lauren is looking especially orange this week. God, how many people’s normal skintones must be lost before society learns to self-tan in moderation?

This blows. They have the steps, but none of the ness of a tango. Plus Lauren is dressed as Morticia Addams and that is not a kind look, even on Morticia Addams.

Oh snap, even Debbie Allen didn’t love it. Mary thought it was danced too high because the tango should be danced into the floor. She thought the best part was the beginning. Ouch. Nigel thought Neil over-danced the routine and does a hilarious impression.

O Sole Mioooo!!

Hok is creative in other ways than dance, and hopes to continue to be long after he can’t dance anymore. Some of his paintings, including a self-portrait, are pretty awesome. Jamie would like to write a book with her sister about their mother who died who also liked to write.

This week the two pulled jazz for a style, though Wade Robson admits in rehearsal that it’s more of a ballet. He calls it a love story between a hummingbird (Hok) and a flower (Jamie). WTF is with choreographers and birds?

Mary Murphy’s wetting herself right now.

This is incredible. It plays to both of their strengths as dancers, but stretches and blends their styles too. Jamie showcases her physical strength, while Hok is all about the personality. It’s beautiful though. All Cat can say at the end is “Wow. Wow.”

Debbie thought the choreography was brilliant and was astounded by Jamie and Hok. She thought it was “like water.” Um… thank you? Okay, and their makeup looks pretty ridiculous, but God, it was good within the context of the dance. I loved everything about it, basically. Nigel calls it beautiful and says he can’t critique it because “this was your essence as dancers. And who are we, then, to critique it?” Um, the judge of a dance competition. Nigel thinks that this will be a routine that is remembered FOREVER!

Pasha would like to use his dance career to someday reunite with his fmily. He hasn’t seen his mother in 10 YEARS! Jessi would like to be a performer like Julie Andrews or Judy Garland who “were equally good at dancing as they were at singing as they were at acting.” But neither of them were dancers! Idiot.

This week Jessi and Pasha are doing the cha cha. This is Pasha’s home style, so this should be good. When Tony Meredith asks if either of them know anything about krumping, Pasha replies that he has a cramp in his leg. Oh, lol, my foreign boyfriend. Jessi seems desperate for votes in this little video, but I tell you, wearing lambs ears is no way to get me to vote for you.

Baa Baa Wack Sheep

And then she did. Apparently after rehearsal the morning of the performance show, Jessi was carted off in an ambulance after feeling pain in her chest. The doctors wouldn’t allow Jessi back that night to perform, so Pasha is dancing with Tony’s assistant, Bette Midler – I mean, Melody.

I know we’re not supposed to be looking at her, but really, they’ve stuck poor Melody in the most unflattering outfit. Pasha looks freaking hot as hell though, even if it does look like he’s dancing with his mother.

Pasha gets a standing O from the jidges. As he should. The judges loved it. Debbie Allen thinks he should get an Oscar for being able to fake the passion with poor, uggo Melody. Mary thinks Pasha is “hot, hot, hot!” Nigel takes a moment to clear up the fact that Jessi’s EKG is still abnormal, but they’re hoping she’ll be back by the results show. If she makes it back, she’s dancing for her life no matter what, even if Pasha’s safe. If she can’t leave the hospital by the next day, she’ll be cut from the competition. And of course I wish Jessi a healthy return. I want to vote her off fair and square!

So that was tonight’s drama-filled episode. What did you think of the routines? The health scandal? The outfits? Tell me everything!