Recap: So You Think You Can Dance Results: Boo-yah, Baby!

So after watching all this dancing for the past few weeks, I tried to take a dance-based workout at my gym this week. It basically served to remind me that no, I cannot dance. Surprise! I mean I knew I couldn’t dance, but this class served to remind me just how hard learning choreography is. So with my newfound respect for dancers and what they do, I’m now ready to sit back, mock and see who’s getting the boot.

Welcome to SoYouThinkYouCanDance!

Cat’s dress tonight is a nice shade of green, but there’s a bow. Oh, and it’s a horrible bow.

Does this bow make my butt look big?

Tonight’s group number is The Lioness Hunt from The Lion King on Broadway. It’s a very cool dance with lots of African movement so I immediately think Debbie Allen choreographed it. But Cat informs be I’m wrong and racist, that number was by Tyce Diorio. Random.

White people can choreograph African numbers too, you racist.

Cat informs us that after the “dramer” of last night, we voted over 5 million times. I love when we get far enough into the season that they repeatedly tell me quantitatively how many people voted. Nigel loves his validation in the form of votes… And dollar signs, I’m sure.

Cat reintroduces us to our jidges, who she reminds us will determine who goes home tonight. It’s a packed show, since possibly SEVEN people will have to solo tonight after last night’s dramer, so she brings out our first two couples right away, no jidge babble or anything.

First it’s Lauren and Neil vs. Lacey and Kameron. Lauren and Neil danced a lackluster tango, while Lacey and Kameron’s quickstep was loved by the judges. One couple is safe and that couple is Lacey and Kameron. Happy birthday Lacey!

When Cat asks if she’s surprised Mary says of course, they’re one of the strongest couples with a great chemistry. What? But you didn’t like their tango or their salsa. Plus, as much as the jidges keep saying they have chemistry, I’m still not buying it.

Jamie and Hok’s jazz/ballet was AMAZING last night. It was one of those routines I’ll watch on YouTube when I’m bored at work all summer long. The show doesn’t bother to manufacture drama here and Cat announces that they are safe.

So within this group, it is now down to Dominic and Sabra or Sara and Jesús. Dominic and Sabra danced a hot rumba that got them two tickets on the hot tamale train, plus a little dance from Mary Murphy. I know this recap is pretty late, so I’ll post the video in case you forgot:

You’re WELCOME! Sara and Jesús did a krumping routine that I wasn’t crazy about, but the judges and audience went nuts for. Turns out America agreed with me and Sara and Jesús are in the bottom.

Debbie Allen’s eyes are barely open when Cat asks her what she thinks of Sara and Jesús being put in the bottom by the votes. She wakes up from her nap enough to bullshit that she thinks America “just wants to see you dance one-on-one and that’s a beautiful thing.” LIE.

Jessi and Pasha were supposed to dance the cha cha, but Pasha had to dance with Jean-Marc Generaux’s assistant (and former US champion), Melanie, when Jessi was sent to the hospital with chest pains. Well now Jessi has been cleared to dance again, and while she’s dancing for her life later, she and Pasha are going to perform the cha cha they had rehearsed all week.

A glimpse into Jessi’s future.

Jessi’s wearing some beaded bra and skirt that flies around every time she shimmies her hips, which is a lot. They look really sexy dancing together and I wish I could be behind Jessi even a little, but I never understood why she was here in the first place and GAH SHE BUGS ME. It really is too bad for her that she ended up sick, because I don’t think they would have landed in the bottom had she, you know, shown up to the performance show.

After they finish, Cat asks her to elaborate what exactly landed her in the hospital. Jessi explains that she got really dehydrated, which happens in a rigorous competition like this. Um, not if you drink water. Sorry, but if you’re not smart enough to drink lots of water when you’re dancing 18 hours a day, you FAIL AT LIFE. Also, kind of sounds like bullshit. Jessi babbles something about Pasha being her boyfriend and he looks shocked. Lol.

So will Pasha join Jessi to dance for his life as well? Of course not. He was dancing in his style, had the sympathy votes and didn’t have that deadweight Jessi around to ruin his game.

That means either Danny and Anya or Cedric and Shauna are the last couple in the bottom. Clearly since this is the last group something “surprising” will happen. After Mary and Nigel were so sure Cedric will be in the bottom, the young ladies of America voted and saved Cedric from the judges.

Which means Anya and Danny are in the bottom! Danny and I are SHOCKED. He gets the giggles during Nigel’s speech and I’m surprised Nigel didn’t go off on him about respeck. Wow, Danny, that’s pretty dick. Though I would be so pissed if I were Danny that A. the judges are holding me to a higher standard and B. the judges have created a sympathetic monster in Cedric with all their harsh criticism.

I suck it? That’s hilarious!

Back from commercial, we start the solo performances with Lauren. She spends most of her time walking around and taking her jacket off. Then she launches into some Britney Spears moves. Meh. Even Lauren’s face knows that she didn’t do her best.

Also, way to pick up your coat Lauren. Neil has a great solo filled with jumps and tumbling passages, all of which he pulls off while avoiding Lauren’s jacket in the middle of the stage. That was just a horrible injury waiting to happen. Neil is still Travis 2.0 in my opinion, though the addition of tumbling is definitely an upgrade.

COAT OF DEATH

Sara’s solo is full of breaking. Honestly, I can’t really tell good breaking from mediocre. Um, this is fine? After she finishes, Cat’s all, “finger’s-crossed it was enough to stay.” I get the impression Cat was not impressed. Meow!

Jesús comes out in a wife-beater, denim MANPRIS and pulled-up tube socks. He’s got some nice spins and I love the air-guitar, but he just doesn’t look as technically proficient as Neil. And Danny is the King of Dance, so I have a feeling we’re saying goodbye to Jesús tonight.

I was wondering when man-pris were gonna come into fashion! It was only a matter of time.

Jessi is doing her solo next in a pair of HUGE sweats. Okay, guys, this is rumor-mongering, but does Jessi have an eating disorder? She’s balding, wears a lot of oversized clothing, and now this whole weak heart thing… totally sounds like someone’s bulimic! Oh, you’re wondering about the solo? Blah, more of the same arm movement with little or no DANCING involved that the judges seem to love so much. Whatever, go away ano.

Dance for your Sandwich

Danny’s solo is incredible. He leaps across the stage to open it and, I mean, he’s an unbelievable dancer. What else can I say? He does pirouettes no one else does, with his leg extended just a little, and that move where he’s on his knees and muscles his way up to standing. Gah, so good!

Last up, it’s Anya dancing to “Fields of Gold” in a weird black full body unitard with blue spangles that does not agree with my TV screen. It looks like she skinned Grover for that costume. The solo itself is weird and slow and involves lots of somersaults. Dude! Do what you did to get on this show. Let’s see some fast legs to even faster music!

No reason to go fetal, lady.

Fergie, featuring Ludacris is the guest performing. I swear, Fergie is on this show like ever summer. Fergie’s a whore for So You Think You Can Dance, though honestly I would be too if I could. Fast forward…

Back from commercial, we’re ready to hear which girl is leaving tonight. Nigel explains that the jidges were not unanimous and that none of the girls were good enough tonight. He didn’t feel like any of them TRULY fear the death of their careers enough. Nigel calls Jessi forward and says he’s sorry they’re going to lose her tonight. And nothing more. ICE BURN!

HAHA YAY! Of course, I wish we were sending her home without the heart condition thing, but whatever, Baby Oil is gone! Jessi is fairly reticent any time Cat asks her to say something about the experience. Way to be grateful! At least you weren’t sitting in front of the computer for eight hours a day the past few weeks, right? Go home and drink some water.

Now for the guys. The judges were unanimous, though didn’t want to make that decision. Neil was outstanding tonight. Danny was also outstanding. Jesús has been outstanding in the past, but wasn’t up to the level of Neil and Danny, so he’s going home. Tear. Hey Jessi, watch how a well-mannered person takes the news he’s been cut. Jesús gives a nice little speech, half of which I can’t hear due to technical difficulties. Nice, FOX. All the other contestants look totally destroyed to see him go. Aw, bye loser!

So now Pasha will be paired with Sara. Ha, that should be interesting. Rejoice below, commenters, Baby Oil is gone! And now I get a week off!