Lauren’s Married and Two More Go Home

Now before I get into the recap of Wednesday’s night So You Think You Can Dance, let’s talk for a moment about Lauren Sanchez’s recent nuptials to Ben Affleck’s agent. I, for one, didn’t realize that Laurvira had been married until I picked up last week’s copy of the bible, I mean People magazine, and saw Jen and Ben at a gas station on the way to the wedding. Before SYTYCD, Lauren was a newsreader at a low-rated station in Los Angeles that tried to capitalize on her big breasts and long legs, rather than the big breasted, dim-witted host of a mediocre reality show about dancing that lasts 12 weeks. If they were in love before, no problem, take a week or two off for a honeymoon. If this is a more recent engagement, then why don’t you just wait another six weeks, and take a nice trip after SYTYCD is over? But, no, you got married smack in the middle of this show. You know what I think? A baby Elvira just might be on the way. You heard it on TVgasm first folks.Now onto Wednesday’s episode. We begin with a shot of Lauren, hair up Barbie doll-style, in a black off the shoulder shirt with the number 67 on it. Now, we know she’s not that bright, and apparently, she was looking to make a statement about the sex life with her new husband. But she must have missed that week of remedial math. I think the number she was looking for is two digits higher.

Lauren informs us, with glee, that 3.7 million votes were counted following last week’s episode. It was a half million more than last week. I’m a bit surprised, because as I mentioned before, if I wasn’t recapping this show, I likely would have stopped watching long ago. But apparently, there are 11 voters who called in, like 300,000 times each. At this point in the recap, I must come clean. I’m actually starting to care about who gets voted off. Not a lot, but a little. And I’m starting to scare myself. Am I going to start dialing in after each show? I hope not.

As we prepare to kick off the two contestants who received the least votes in last week’s voting, we see our lovely judges again. Brian has shaped his hair into a gel headband – not a great look. Lauren tells Snow she is safe for another week, and it’s between Melody and Michelle who will go home. Melody is way too good of a dancer to go home yet, plus she’s cute and little, and I’m sure she’s firmly planted herself in the audience’s hearts as America’s sweetheart. I have an instant feeling of glee, I know Michelle and her gymnastic gyrations will be going home. But before we get to the rejected woman, Lauren releases Nick to the couch from the bottom three guys.

Suspense is in the air. But first! Cut to a ridiculous dance (?) number from some firefighters. I’m not really sure what this is all about as the firefighters do a few rudimentary dance steps. I was pretty sure they would be hawking Ford, or another commercial product, but I think the producers thought they were giving us some comic relief. They weren’t. Sure, we all generally like firefighters, with their bravery and all. But these firefighters really can’t dance, and it’s not particularly a funny number, and they don’t even take their shirts off, which would at least have given me a little bit of enticement to pay attention.

When we return from the commercial break, we do, in fact, see that Michelle is going home. Her eyes are pretty dry. Mine too, but my smile is turned up. I think she expected it. But eyes are not as dry from her fellow competitors on the couch. Not the floodgates from Jonnis’s elimination last week, but we do catch a tear running down Allan’s pansy face. Then, we also find out that Craig is going home. Not a huge surprise either, since the judges sort of called him out as being in danger of dismissal last week, but he was a pretty good dancer, and I just might miss his smiley little face. (just a teeny bit, by next week it will be, Craig who?) More tears, but since we find out he just graduated from high school, he apparently has plenty of time to make something of himself.

Next, it’s onto this week’s competition. Lauren has made another costume change. This time, a peasant style skirt, which would be a nice, demure outfit if she partnered it with a trendy top, and wasn’t wearing a wife beater tank top that once again accentuates her enormous breasts. Nigel pulled that stupid Huey Lewis leather collar blazer out of the closet again. Does this show not have a budget for wardrobe? That jacket was bad enough once. Mia’s back on the panel, and this week Dan is off choreographing.

Jamile received the most votes of the bottom six, so he gets to eliminate one woman as a potential partner. Again, he calls out Snow. The Russian drag queen is poison. Each week, she and her partner have landed in the bottom six.

Blake picks Ashlee’s name out of the hat and they chose “rock and roll” dance. What dance will we see next, the Lindy hop? The twist? In this case, rock and roll mean’s 50′s, Grease inspired rock and roll, and Ashlee dons a poodle skirt, and Blake rolls up his jeans and slicks back his hair and they dance to Elvis Presley. Judges love it. Nigel says, “You’ve made bobby soxers very happy.” Nigel, it’s 2005. I dare say that Bobby soxers are now in nursing homes and not tuning into this show.

Artem and Melissa dance to the Paso Doble, which is Artem’s specialty. The judges love him, but have mixed reviews for Melissa. Brian tells Melissa her hands look like, “Lindsay lobster claw.” Is that an official dance term or just Brian’s lame attempt to come up with something original to say?

Allan and Melody dance lyrical. Dancing with each other, they look like Arnold Schwartzenegger and Danny Devito in Twins, but without the chemistry. While the judges loved Melody, they thought Allan sucked, but because he’s America’s sweetheart, they take extra pains not to hurt his feelings when they cut him down.

Ryan gets cursed with Snow as a dance partner. She has spiked her hair just like Ryan’s only scarier. Ryan can pull that off Snow, you can’t. They dance to hip hop, which I thought would be Ryan’s specialty, but they blow it, and the judges hate them. When Mary criticizes Snow, Snow glares at her with a death look. Lock your doors Mary, cause Snow’s coming after you with a machete.

Jamile and Destini dance to the Viennese waltz. The dance has a few complicated lifts. “Thank god for lifting weights,” Jamile says during rehearsals, a nod to Destini’s enormous ass. The judges love it. The dance, not her ass.

Nick dances disco with Kamilah. Move over John Travolta, the judges can’t say enough good things about these two. I am beginning to tire of Kamilah’s “I’m so sexy” act, but couldn’t deny they did a good job with disco. Nigel comments, “It took me back 30 years. I thought I was at Studio 54.” At this point, I just have to know how old this guy is, so I Googled him. He was born in 1949, which makes him 56. Ok, that’s no spring chicken, but with all these comments he’s making about the old days, I thought for sure he was pushing 70.

This week, we’re only having two bottom couples. Ryan and Snow are elected to loud boos from the audience. They love Ryan. Allan and Melody are also selected. The bottom four dance their little solo, trying to entice America to vote for them. When it’s Snow’s turn, the music turns starts playing, “Maya hi, Maya ha” the beat goes. Where do I know this song?” I ask myself, as Snow contorts her body into a strange variety of angles. Wait! It’s that fat kid on the internet who danced in front of his computer and it became a worldwide sensation. I think it was some Yugoslavian song. Is Snow actually making a joke? Does she know what she’s dancing to? It really is hilarious. But somehow I think she thinks she’s delivering a Siberian number to her adoring fans.

As much as we all love Allan, this just might be his time to go. And Snow, you’re the only contestant who has been in the bottom group three weeks in a row, so your time is numbered too. See ya!