Results time! I have no idea what to expect from this hour of So You Think You Can Dance, because the format changes have left it wide open. We start with some melodramatic drums and lighting, which makes me think “group dance,” which makes me do a little happy dance of my own. (Don’t worry – my happy dance doesn’t actually involve leaving the couch.) But wait – my happiness quickly turns to apprehension as I see that the opener is a contemporary number. And everyone is dressed as the undead. In frilly Victorian outfits – think Interview with the Vampire. Is Mia Michaels responsible for this??
Oh my God. They’re doing a whole zombie dance, just like Thriller, but with better clothes. I’ve changed my mind. I love this. And it has Boys Against The Girls, which always delights me. You know, one of the things that’s going to suck as this show progresses is that there won’t be enough contestants left to do really awesome group dances. The zombie dance ends way too quickly, and Cat comes out.Take a deep breath, everyone: Cat looks good! She is not dressed as a cheetah. She is not dressed as a Hefty bag. She is not dressed as a tenth-grader. All in all, I can’t think of anything bad to say about this outfit. Oh, wait a minute. Yes I can – I knew it would come to me. Her belt is giant and looks like genuine pleather, which kind of brings down the tone. It’s a nice dress, and it would have looked better without that stupid ’80s belt. But really, overall, she has done very well (including with her hair and makeup), thus ruining my fun yet again.
Shiver in my bones just thinking / about the pleather.
It turns out that the choreographer was Wade Robson, who doesn’t ring a bell for me. Actually, it was the wardrobe people who really blew me away during that group dance, but Wade Robson still deserves a clap. Clap! Cat says that last night the dancers received a record-breaking number of votes – over eight million. She specifically says that only American Idol gets more votes.
Really? Are there actual data on that? Has someone conducted a valid study of all of the crappy reality shows that involve voting and determined that this one gets the second-most votes? I would love to see those figures, but last I checked, there’s no law that requires crappy reality shows to open up their voter rolls to examination by the public or the press, so I’m not holding my breath for verification here. I mean, yeah, I know there is some regulatory agency that is supposed to prevent rigging of game shows (see: Quiz Show), but I don’t think they’re on the case. Here is what America needs: a Ministry of Reality Shows, with a Cabinet-level appointee to run it. (Yes, I know it should be called the Department of Reality Shows, but mine sounds better.) I am officially proposing this, as of right now. Call your congressman, everybody. And don’t forget to suggest me as the first Minister of Reality. That job is thirty-sixth in line to the Presidency, you know.
Jidges are the same as last night – Nigel; Cicely and Olisa; and Jean-Marc. But what’s this? Instead of being labeled “Cicely & Olisa” as they always have been in the past, the ladies are now captioned as “Cecily Bradley” and “Olisa Thompson”! Two things about this. First, this is at least the THIRD documented instance of this show spelling someone’s name wrong. They went with “Jamyz” for two weeks before switching to “Jaymz,” and now they have pulled the Cicely/Cecily switch. This is in addition to the “Vienesse Waltz.” I’ve seen electronics manuals produced in non-English-speaking countries that have better spelling than this show.
Second, what’s up with Cecily (!) and Olisa having two separate identities all of a sudden? Maybe they saw my Two-Headed Monster comment, and they thought to themselves, “Hey! She’s right! Our lives have gone off track! We need to live as two separate women, each with her own individual hopes and dreams!” Yeah, that’s probably what happened. Glad I could help you with the self-actualization process, ladies. You’ll be receiving a bill from me shortly.
Dissociative Identity Disorder?
Cat asks Nigel what the dancers will take away from this show, and he interviews that they are very lucky to be a part of it. He tells us that “last night, in their infinite wisdom, the American networks placed FIVE talent shows on against each other. And whoever goes home tonight can go home knowing that they were on America’s number-one show last night.” Ow. That was a really heavy-handed way of getting in that plug. I’m so sure that whoever gets booted off the show tonight will be totally consoled by that knowledge. Thanks a lot. Nigel, on the other hand, is practically peeing his pants with fatherly pride over his show. Well, okay. You can have a clap too, Nigel. Clap.
Olisa interviews that the business is tough, and it’s tough to know who to vote for. Cecily (!) interviews that the show is tough on the dancers. Jean-Marc says it was a great night last night, but the highlights were the two Mia Michaels numbers. Ugh – I agree about the park-bench one, but that eye-patch dance was a hot mess. There were some amazing moves, but the overall effect was tough to appreciate without hard drugs. Jean-Marc also loved Natalie’s solo, which was fine, but not one of my favorites.
Cat recaps last night’s show. It’s the standard Thursday recap of Wednesday; as always, there are just a few seconds of previously unaired backstage footage, none of which is interesting tonight. Of course it isn’t – we no longer have Musa around to provide the producers with hot, sexy moments like Musa offering Natalie a glass of water, or Natalie making an adorable face at Musa. When the recap ends, Cat has the five girls lined up onstage. They are all wearing their solo outfits from last night. Why do they have to do that? That seems potentially unhygienic, but more importantly, it’s boring for me. I demand more outfits! We go to commercial without finding anything out.
After the break, all ten dancers are seated onstage in a row. Cat says she’s about to reveal the bottom two girls. She calls Donyelle forward and boringly recites a description of Donyelle’s dances and her jidges’ comments from last night. Donyelle is safe. Yawn.
Martha is next. She’s in the bottom two, obviously. Aw, this is going to be sad. Martha has to go stand in the Danger Zone. Next is Allison; obviously, she’s safe, since revealing the second person in the bottom two now would kill the suspense. Cat confirms this, and Allison joins Donyelle in the happy place. So it comes down to Heidi and Natalie, and I end up totally surprised, because Heidi is safe, and Natalie joins Martha in the bottom two. Well, Heidi is the better dancer, so I guess “America” deserves some credit.
Now that Natalie is in the bottom two, things look even worse for Martha. Natalie looks pretty stunned. The judges deliver a bunch of platitudes about how life is tough, and this show is tough, and all of the dancers are great, but someone has to go home. Then Cat draws our attention to the five guys, who are still sitting in a row, and we go to commercial.
After we come back, Cat tells us that the bottom two girls will be dancing again before the end of the show. Why? It’s too late for them to change the outcome, so I think that’s mean. I guess it’s a good test of how they perform under pressure. We move on to the guys. Cat calls Ryan up first. I hope this means he’s safe – he has really grown on me, with his underdogginess. But he is NOT safe; he’s sent to the Danger Zone, and he almost cries. Well, that’s lame. Now we know that the next two people Cat calls up will be safe.
Travis is next, and he’s safe. Then Benji. Also safe. It comes down to Dmitry and Ivan, and I get another big surprise when Dmitry gets sent off to the Danger Zone with Ryan. Y’all, I was ready for Ivan to go. The more I think about those wheely shoes, the more they annoy me, but I guess “America” doesn’t agree.
As with Natalie and Martha, it would appear that Dmitry’s presence in the Danger Zone is bad news for Ryan. I’m not that sad about Martha, but I am about Ryan. I hope Dmitry goes home. I’ve had enough of his smugness and his stupid bare chest. Even now, he’s grinning like an idiot. Nigel interviews that he can’t wait to see the final solos; he clarifies that these solos won’t make any difference to the outcome. Cat lectures me for not voting. I’m sorry, Ryan!
Welcome to Loserville. Population: You.
It’s solo time! Martha is going first. Ack – the reason they are wearing last night’s outfits is that they’re doing last night’s dances. Fortunately, Martha has abandoned the gigantic green hat. That’s not a rules violation? Her dance is a lot more nonchalant tonight, and accordingly, she doesn’t cry afterward. I think it stinks that they aren’t doing new solos. I mean, it’s only thirty seconds, and you’re allowed to improvise. Why make the audience look at the same clothes and listen to the same song?
Nigel says that Martha is only nineteen and will have a great career. Wow, I had no idea she was so young. It’s pretty sad the way that Nigel is saying farewell to her, though. Do y’all think we can safely assume that Nigel already knows which of the bottom two is going home? It seems like a bad idea to let him have that information, because he is virtually guaranteed to give it away with his comments.
Ryan does his Jamiroquai routine and it is still great. He isn’t really trying to “connect with the audience,” but he gives a cute smile at the end. Cecily and Olisa claim that Ryan DID show soul in his face, and so forth. Everyone says that Ryan is a great dancer and will go far professionally. Jean-Marc makes a quite-perceptive comment about how Ryan is a star “when he is in a great mood.”
Natalie’s next, and she starts by flashing her crotch again. Honestly, that seems like the type of thing she should have learned NOT to do from watching last night’s show, or at least from having somebody tell her about last night’s show. Nigel gushes over Natalie, and so does everybody else. Nobody bothers to eulogize Natalie with encouraging comments about her future career, so I think that’s a pretty big clue that she isn’t leaving.
Let’s just hope she never gets her hands on an ice pick.
Dmitry’s solo is still awesome. But I only want to know one thing: Will he rip his shirt open at the end again? If he does, it becomes officially non-spontaneous and 1,000 times more lame than it was when he did it last night. Especially since Nigel specifically disparaged the bare chest as a gimmick. In the end, Dmitry delivers a win. He grabs his shirt as if to rip it open, then stops at the last minute, shakes his head, and waggles his finger “no.” Good for you, Dmitry. Who knew you were that funny? (And was that really your own idea?)
Cat calls Dmitry “cheeky.” Dmitry interviews that Thursday has become the dancers’ least favorite day of the week, because they hate it when people go home. Nigel says that whoever leaves tonight will not be gone for good, because “they” are “trying to put together a tour of the top ten to go around the country.” Oh MAN – I have got to try to go to that. Also, I love how utterly scripted these interviews are. For some reason, Nigel doesn’t like to just come out and tell us information about the format, or the ratings, or the future of the show. Instead, Cat always asks him some carefully designed interview question that just HAPPENS to elicit the needed information. This show is so meta.
If the top ten dancers go on tour, will Nigel be there? I bet he won’t. Pout. You know who else won’t be there? Ashlee. I think that sucks.
Nigel goes on to say that America has not yet seen the real Dmitry, who has a great sense of humor that is sometimes obscured by his Russian accent. Yeah, he’s a regular Yakov Smirnoff. Cecily says that Dmitry has a lot of charisma. Olisa tells Dmitry not to be “discovered,” but she means to say “discouraged.” Jean-Marc says Dmitry has learned a lot, and he doesn’t think Dmitry will be going home. I am guessing that Nigel does know who is leaving, but Jean-Marc doesn’t. Ah, the hierarchy of the jidges. I hope there’s tons of infighting among them. Why do we never get any backstage footage of that?
By the way, Dmitry has had his arm around Cat this whole time. Someone posted about these two in the comments, and I have to agree that they are the hot new couple of this show. The producers probably assigned Dmitry to woo Cat after we lost Musa. I can just see Nigel in a planning meeting: “Quick! We need a new heterosexual love story! Who looks the cutest with Dmitry?”
Was it good for you?
It’s time for the musical guest. This week, I have never, ever, ever heard of the musical guest. I know I said I didn’t know who Ne-Yo was before, and that was true, but I had at least seen his name. I actually knew how to spell it without looking it up. This week, I can once again spell the name of the musical guest, but that’s only because his name is Chris Brown. And who knows – I might be spelling that wrong, for all I know, especially on this show. It might be Khrysss Brounne.
We get an extended intro about Chris Brown. I’m not sure whether this is because NO ONE knows who he is, or just to fill time. If it’s the former, does this mean that So You Think You Can Dance has already exhausted its supply of famous musical guests? I mean, up until the finale, when they will obviously be bringing out a cryogenically frozen Celine Dion?
We learn that Chris Brown started out as a street dancer. Here is a direct quote from the man himself: “My friends, like, they always supported me with my dance, and they always looked at me like, ‘Aw, Chris, man, Chris, you dope, you dope.’” In support of Chris’s friends and their opinions, Chris does seem to be a good dancer and a good singer, albeit not the world’s greatest speaker. He is apparently quite young – Cat says he broke through at sixteen, although she doesn’t say how long ago that was. So I guess I can excuse his lack of eloquence.
Chris explains it all.
Chris’s performance is fine. I have nothing to say about the song; he doesn’t amuse me like Ne-Yo did by dressing up his backup dancers in ridiculous hats. Unfortunately, Chris himself is wearing a non-approved Yankees hat. People, what is so bad about navy and white? You know, the actual team colors? Some of Chris’s dance moves are pretty awesome. At first I think he’s wearing a shirt with beer cans on it, which might be mildly scandalous if he’s sixteen, but then I figure out that it says “Billionaireboysclub” and it pictures rolls of cash. I am unable to fabricate a scandal about this, no matter how hard I try. The jidges give Chris a standing “O” and I notice that Jean-Marc is really short.
Cat interviews Nigel about how it feels to no longer be in control of who gets eliminated. He jokes that he is a control freak. Why do I think that this is not really a joke? Nigel explains that America might vote on entertainment value, rather than dance ability. I think he’s trying to say, “Don’t blame me for what happens – it’s your own stupid fault.”
Cat calls up Martha and Natalie. Without much muss or fuss, she announces that Martha is going home. Both girls cry, but Natalie cries more. That girl is like a faucet. Martha handles everything fine – I think she got her freakout out of her system last night. We see her clip package and I remain in awe of her body. Martha does her Gwen Stefani dance again. Three times in a twenty-four-hour period is too many.
Guess which one of these girls just got voted off the show.
And now, the boys. Drum roll…. Dmitry gets the boot! I’m fairly stunned, but it certainly does seem to fit with Nigel’s comments about how America never got to see Dmitry’s true personality, and how America is too dumb to vote based on technical ability. Methinks Nigel is not happy with this result. I, however, am. Yes, Dmitry is a better dancer than Ryan, but Dmitry is full of himself, and America hates that. Right, America? I still think Ivan would have been a better choice for ejection, but Dmitry is just fine with me. As per usual, we get a close-up of Natalie sobbing. Maybe she can’t find her scrunchie.
Uh-oh. Where will Nigel get his testosterone fix now? We’re left with Benji, Travis, Ryan, and Ivan. I have no clue about anyone’s actual orientation, but I don’t exactly see a chiseled-jaw type left in that bunch. And I’m glad. Maybe now the producers can stop trying to cram fake couples down our throats and just let the show be about dancing, which is not a particularly macho pastime in most circles. There are enough of us girly types watching to give you your “number-one show,” NIGEL. Believe it or not, straight women can actually watch television without needing a Prince Charming character on the screen at all times. And – dare I assume this? – straight men can also watch television without needing a studly John Wayne figure to emulate. And also, gay people watch TV too. Okay, that’s the end of my semi-political rant. But I think you can all get a sense of what my platform is going to be when I’m appointed Minister of Reality Shows.
Ryan hugs Cat and almost knocks her off her stilettos. Ha. Dmitry seems completely unfazed by his elimination. The four non-eliminated guys crack me up by miming that Dmitry should rip his shirt off. We see Dmitry’s clip package, and I could watch that man-dress routine five zillion times without ever getting bored. We see Aleks in the Corpse Bride routine – there’s a blast from the past. Dmitry does his final solo. They screw up his music twice, but he handles it like a pro. Of course, he rips his shirt off at the end. I bet this is going to be Dmitry’s signature move in the top-ten tour. I can’t WAIT. Guess you’ll be doing that move for the rest of your life, Dmitry. I hope it was worth it.
Giving the people what they want. Except they don’t want it.