Let the Countdown Begin (Again)

[by Betty White]

It’s week six of “So You Think You Can Dance” and it is two hours. Again! Another Wednesday night down the drain. Clearly it’s never going to just be a one hour show, so it’s time for me to let it go. Ok, it’s gone.

This week, we’re treated to a red slinky top from Lauren Sanchez. Very boob accentuating. We see a flash of belly too. Tramp! This week’s show comes charging out of the box American Idol style. The contestants are sitting on the couch (evoking memories of Carrie, Bo, Constantine and all the other contestants I’ve already forgotten), and Lauren is doing her best Ryan Seacrest imitation, which isn’t very good. (And that guy is bad enough doing his thing once – must we see a stupid wax statue vampire pretend to be him as well?)Producer Nigel is wearing a blazer with a leather collar. Nice to know that the Huey Lewis circa 1983 fashion trends have been able to stick around. Lauren tells us that three million people voted by phone after last week’s episode of SYTYCD, informing us that it was more votes than the first voting week of American Idol. At first it sounds impressive, but it was less than voted to reinstate Kaysar in the Big Brother house, and they don’t mention that. Unfortunately for SYTYCD, they’ll never reach later levels of AI voting, because the show is not very good. Are they going to let us know when the number of voters goes down week after week, just like the viewership? Will Lauren Sanchez ever stop with the plastic surgery? I would answer “I doubt it” on both counts.

Just like on AI, Lauren recaps verbally (and stupidly) what the bottom six did last week. “You are safe,” she tells Artem and Michele. Now frankly, I was hoping Michele would go home, but clearly her Kelly Monaco outfit (or lack of an outfit) and gymnastic gyrations at the end of last week’s show had an affect on some members of the audience who felt compelled to dial in. We’re left with the bottom two girls and guys – Snow and Sandra, and Allan and Jonnis. Snow is standing there, waiting for the news, doing her best to look like Christina Aguilera. She almost has me fooled on the outfit (and little knit cap) alone, but those penciled-on eyebrows would give her away anywhere.

Suspense! We’re about to find out who will be cut. But first! Lauren sends us to a special Ford commercial, made just for this show, with dancing Ford dealers. It’s hard to imagine that executives at Ford AND Fox thought this would be a good idea. I thank god for Tivo and move past it – quickly.

Back to the competish. Lauren’s got the bottom two girls on pins and needles. Sandra, probably sensing what is to come, starts crying before Lauren even reveals who is going home. But the tears were appropriate, because somehow, Snow escaped the hatchet and the Siberian drag queen is safe for another week. Bye bye Sandra.

This week on Fox – “When Blow Dryers Strike Back!”

Sandra manages to pull herself together, but now judge Mia is crying. Mia, we are only down to 14 dancers…we have six more weeks of this. Get yourself together. Then Mia starts this speech to Sandra about how she’s not a failure, and Sandra retorts that she doesn’t think she has failed, causing Mia to dig herself deeper into a whole, trying to rationalize why Sandra’s not a failure, but might feel like a failure. Huh? Shut up Mia! The girl feels bad enough without you trying to prolong it with your awful commentary.

Next we find out that Allan will be around for another week, and Jonnis is going home. The floodgates open. There is not a dry eye from the competitors on the couch. I, on my couch, feel nothing but slight boredom. Did the other contestants really bond with Jonnis, or are they just projecting, and figuring that it is only a matter of time before they are heading home themselves, so they are crying in anticipation? I don’t get it.

It’s finally time for some new dancing. Lauren is sporting a new outfit now, or maybe I should more appropriately term it lingerie. Simon’s changed blazers too, thank god. They’ve swapped out a judge. This week, ballroom Mary is sitting on the judging panel, and Mia is back to being a choreographer. I really can’t stand Mary. She’s got a nasal Midwestern accent and can’t relate to any dancers other than the ballroom specialists (at this point, I think there is only one left in the competition, Siberian Snow). Really, producers, if you want any of the contestants to care about ballroom dancing, you’ve got to raise the minimum age to, say, 60.

In their big “twist”, they tell Allan that he got the most votes among the bottom six. America clearly loves the big fatty. But seriously, wasn’t Allan just in the bottom two, waiting on pins and needles? I’m confused. Because of this big win, Allan gets to choose who he does not want to dance with this week. We all know he’s going to say Snow, because she was the one who dragged his fat ass into the bottom six last week, and he doesn’t disappoint.

Destiny pulls Blake’s name out of a hat. Again! Lucky bitch. She gets to dance with the best dancer in the competition again. And they choose lyrical, the same style as last week. Blake has learned his lesson, and tells the cameras how much he loves Mia and her choreography. No surprise, all the judges love them again.

Craig and Melody get paired together again this week, as do Ryan and Melissa. How much do you want to bet SYTYCD soon introduces a rule that no one can dance with the same partner again two weeks in a row? Sometimes I’m psychic. You’ll see.

Nick and Michelle get stuck with the quick step. “It’s quick, and I guess there are a lot of steps in it,” Nick tells the camera. Uh oh, you’re in trouble. And they are. The judges aren’t pleased. “I haven’t danced the quick step in 40 years,” says Simon. Last week we found out he choreographed Gene Kelley, and this week we find out this news. Somebody has got to find out how old this guy is.

Will John O’Hurley demand a dance-off? Only time will tell.

Allan and Kamilah pick hip hop, and we see their grueling practice session where they are out of breath and sweating. In my favorite line of the night, Allan pants, “I need Jenny Craig!” Jenny, did you hear that? Move over Kirstie Alley. I can feel Allan as the next spokesperson. What did I say about being psychic? I have a gift.

Ryan and Melissa pick salsa. Poor Ryan, the hip hop dancer who’s never had a lesson gets stuck with a tricky Latin dance two weeks in a row. Choreographer Alex, who has spiked his hair to look like Beavis (or is it Butthead?), presumably after a promise last week that if spiky hair Ryan did well, Alex would spike his hair. Does Ryan really care that you spike you hair? No, Alex, you just want to draw attention away from your small penis. Ryan and Melissa pulled it off last week and we’re rooting for them again. Ryan doesn’t disappoint. The judges (and America) are falling for him.

To no real surprise, the bottom six this week are Nick and Michele, Melody and Craig, and Snow and Jamile. They get their chance to solo dance. The three guys are all really good, so it’s a nail biter who’s going who’s going home. Again, I don’t care enough to waste the calories it would take to dial the phone, so it’s up to America, minus me, to make this decision.

Hugh Jackman would be so proud…

Dan (my favorite judge) tells Michelle she danced like she was desperate. Hah! That’s what I think too. Now I’m a big fan of gymnastics, but is this a gymnastic competition or a dance competition? Dance. So Michelle, stop the tumbling and show us if you think you can dance.