So You Think You Can Dance: Stupid Banoodles!

It’s elimination time once again on America’s “number once dance show” (according to Nigel – “suck it ABDC!”)… it’s So You Think You Can Dance!

The opening number is to “The Dance” by Charlotte Martin. It definitely looks a little freaky… like I wouldn’t want to meet these people on the street – it looks like…

A bunch of “Cirque du Soleil” freaks lead by Slash from Guns n’ Roses.

If the point of the routine was to completely transform the cast then it definitely worked. I could barely recognize people, aside from Mark who was sort of the “ring leader”, aka Slash. And there was lots of yelling and banging of sticks. Seems like aggression is the flavor of the evening.

There wasn’t much to it but it was entertaining and something different. I love how they incorporated our sassy host, Cat, who just strut out through the cast like their Queen bee.

When the camera pans back to the audience I totally get a chuckle out of thinking what these girls are told before the show starts…

“If just one of you bitches crosses this line you will be shot down! Understand?!?! And you in the yellow – suck it in! This is “SO YOU THINK YOU CAN DANCE” not “Biggest Loser”!! TOE THE LINE BITCHES!”

And what’s up with Cat’s outfit?! They just seem to get more and more outlandish…

Tonight she dressed in honor of Jessica – “The Little Mermaid”.

Apparently Mia Michaels was the choreographer for the opening number. Not surprising – although I thought it could’ve been Wade Robson as well. Spastic movement is usually his realm.

The judges from the night before are back – Adam, Mary and a leather-daddy Nigel. I wonder – what is the reasoning behind him wearing an ugly suit or a leather jacket. Is elimination night “casual night”?

The first three couples come out: Thayne & Chelsea, Joshua & Katee and Mark & Chelsi. Thayne and Chelsea are fucked since the other 2 couples totally rocked their routines. And they’re up first. There are flashbacks to Adam calling them “out of their element” and Mary doing her 40 minute lecture on the fall of their Tamale Train ride.

Of course – Cat announces them as the first couple in the bottom three. Mary comments that it was a difficult dance to learn and — hold up —

Although I make fun of Mary – can I just get a “Hollah!” that she changes her hair up for every episode? Sure – it might be a complete and total train wreck sometimes – but she keeps it lively. She’s a woman-about-town our Mary is!

Mary keeps it positive and reminds them they’ll be taking into account ALL of their dances before ultimately kicking their ass to the curb.

Up next – Joshua and Katee. Last night Joshua was wearing pants so tight you could tell what religion he was. Kudos to him for having an ass that could rock them though. If it was me I could have blinded the audience with spandex shrapnel.

They’re coming fresh off their first-class trip on Mary’s “Hot Tamale Train to Hades”. BTW – did anyone else think it was funny when Joshua gave his thoughts on when he found out he was doing the Samba – “Time to do your solo!” that he sounded exactly like Edith from “All in the Family”?! “But Ahhhchie – I don’t waaaannna do the saaaaamba! Oh!”

Cat announces that Katee and Joshua are SAFE! Yeah! Next up – Mark and Chelsi – who (I think) had the best performance. The judges did too – which was clear since they all hemorrhaged with enthusiasm. Seriously – I think production is going to have to start scotch-guarding Mary’s swivel-chair.

Cat opens the envelope-of-fate and… America loves them too! SAFE! They’re totally gonna be in the last 3 couples unless they royally fuck up. Mark and Chelsi go apeshit and Cat tells them about 6 times “Well done… leave the stage…Great job… leave the stage.” They should really give Cat a fiery cowpoke for these times.

The next three couples are up and we start with “Twitchington”. Last night they did a “jail break” hip-hop number. It was so good Mary “passed down an old Murphy ancient proverb” which was screaming. It’s good to know stupidity runs through her bloodline. I can just see her ancestors screaming when fire was discovered, screaming at the beheading of Anne Boleyn, screaming at the signing of the Declaration of Independence or screaming when the bedazzler was invented.

Nigel couldn’t find any negatives and Adam loved it too. Did America?

I love how Cat says it like it’s all of America - like every single American got together last night and was like “Alright people – we have a lot to discuss – war, gas prices, education, childhood obesity – but MOST importantly – how does everyone feel about “Twitchington”?

Twitch and Kton are safe – and Kton is all smiles. Shocker right?!

Up next – Gev and Courtney. I love how they play the clip of Courtney mind-fucking Gev:

“Whatchu gonna do with all the junk – all that junk inside that trunk?”I’m guessing he plans on packing his suitcase inside that trunk – most likely when she’s drunk – when’s she drunk on roofie junk.

The judges loved their dance as much as Gev loved performing it. And Cat reveals they are SAFE for another week of you-know-what teasing for Gev.

Up next (and it’s not looking good) are Comfort and Chris – who did not have a good showing. They had a seething Marilyn Manson number and it just wasn’t “animalistic” enough according to all the judges. Not even a scream from Mary. Which is bad since she’s been reduced to screaming and clapping when they refill her water at the judges table.

I love the clip they play of Comfort yelling “It’s Ok – it ain’t nothing!” as she exits through the crowd…

In a perfect world she would’ve punched one of those blonde girls in the back of the head and Chris would’ve had to pull her off while screaming “Watch my face! Don’t scratch my pretty little face!”

Cat reveals that Chris and Comfort are in the bottom three – again. Uh ohhhh. Adam’s not surprised and calls this “the nature of the beast” and tells them they have to invest more than technique. I know he wanted to add “And Comfort – Vanilla’s draggin’ you down – start slapping him around.”

We’re now at the final 2 couples – Kourtni & Matt and Jessica & Will. Up first – the comic-book duo, Kourtni and Matt. They did the unconventional contemporary dance to new girl Sonya’s choreography. Mary loved it and Adam said they were truly dancers – wow – deep stuff. I thought it lacked something. Like meaning or something. Maybe salt. It just didn’t “move” me.

Next up – Will and Jessica. One of you Gasmii left a comment that you think Will coddles Jessica in the hopes that she won’t flip out and take him down with her. I TOTALLY AGREE. It feels like he’s like “Come on girl – hang in there – just get me to the top 3 and then you can stop taking the pills Debbie Allen gave you.”

Mary, of course, did a shit-ton of screaming:

My hope is that by posting these photos Mary will see what she looks like while screaming and possibly change her ways. It’s my effort to making the world a better place, people. If this fails we have to figure out a way to give her lockjaw.

Cat reveals that of these two – the final couple in the bottom three is… Kourtni and Matt – AGAIN! Uh Oh – methinks some of these repeaters are in hot shit.

Nigel gives Kourtni a “come-to-Jesus” talking-to and tells her she needs to step up her game. And he tells Matt he needs to immerse himself in the part he plays – good advice – and then. Nigel goes on to insult the…

The Germans… The French…

…and Michael Caine.

Apparently Nigel felt like he was making too many friends and needed to rectify that problem immediately. Good luck on your next Euro trip. I suggest you wear a helmet.

While the dancers warm up to dance for their lives – we’re treated to “Amercia’s Best Dance Crew” – starring Hok, Ryan and Dominic (old “SYTYCD”ers) – it’s Quest! They do a whole “Dr. Jekyll / Mr. Hyde Laboratory” story and it’s great – of course. Only it makes me sad for the “Dance” days gone by – I miss Hok and friends. Those were the days of talent, personality AND uniqueness!

Some exciting developments in Quest (that are new to me anyways) is that they have a girl now – and a white dude! Times they are a changin’.

My fav move is this one:

Now you may look at this and think “What’s the big deal, bBitz?!” I’ll tell you – they are not falling to the ground here – they are throwing themselves from the ground. They defy gravity and are, in Mia’s words: Stupid Banoodles.

The only time I’ve done a move like that was in college when someone blew an airhorn over me while I was sleeping. Although I’m sure Quest can do it without shitting themselves.

Just in case you thought this feeling of talent and style could never end – it’s time for that to come to a crashing halt with more moments with Snuggle Bear and his Dancing Minions of Fucking Atrocious Dancers!

Apparently Snuggle found this asshole dancing in a parking lot – by a dumpster. So close… but yet so far away. Just a little further back sweetheart.

The cast watches videos of all the submitted dancers. And the winner is: Rheo T. from Florida! What does he win?!

The loss of his pride on national TV! Hooray!

Well I can’t say that prize wasn’t deserved.

Time for the solos – that may giveth – and may taketh away! Up first – Chelsea T. I’ve never seen so many spins in a solo!!! “It couldn’t have been THAT many!” you say?! Oh but it was – I slo-mo’d that shit and counted – 21 spins! In just 30 seconds of dancing! That means she was spinning for most of her solo. There was approx 9 seconds of dance moves that didn’t require spinning. Ok – you get my point.

Afterwards Cat says “Chesea – why are you smiling?!” I’ll tell you why – she’s fucking dizzy!

Up next is Thayne – his solo is good – but there’s also alot of frantic running around. Sometimes I think the dancers do a lot of “Oh shit – oh shit – what do I do – please don’t cut me – ahhh – what am I doing?!?” when they perform their solos. Not that I blame them. The pressure’s ON. If it was me I’d stand there and make excuses to music. “I had a really great dance planned and then I forgot the shirt I wanted to wear for it – sooooo I’ll just do it next week, ok?”

Our next solo is Comfort. Her solo seems much more performance-oriented. Although with Hip-Hop she’s sort of limited – not alot of “WOW” moments. She needs some crazy pop-lock moves to pull out in times like these. Actually I can’t think of anyone who couldn’t benefit from having a pop-lock move in their back pocket. You could use it during dinner parties, awkward waiting rooms or when your significant other catches you cheating. “This isn’t what it looks like! See – we were just doing the pop-lock wave! Pa-chah! Bam!”

Chris is up next. I’m done with Vanilla – if he’s the one to go I wouldn’t be sad. I swear he did the same dance as last week when he was in the bottom. And didn’t he end with this move last week?

What the fuck is this?! The dance equivalent of “I’ve got your nose!” with the judges?!

Here comes Kourtni. I think she totally rocks her solo. It was something a little different, it actually LOOKED like she choreographed it to THAT song and it showed her well. Perhaps Nigel’s pep-talk from earlier worked. Maybe Kourtni’s strategy is to have really good solos every week. That-a-girl, always plan for the worst!

And lastly, Matt. He seems all over the board. Spinning all over – not very structured. I don’t think he was planning on being in the bottom 3 again this week.

And that outfit sure isn’t helping. He looks like if Peter Pan attended Bayside High, the “Saved by the Bell” school. But gayer.

The judges then leave to deliberate (not without Adam first knocking his drink all over the wires and leaving it for some poor bastard PA to wipe it up).

And now it’s time for the special guest performer – Jordin Sparks! There’s a clicking sound in the beginning of her song and I totally thought it was here heels as she walked out! I was like “Did they mic her fucking heels!? That’s bad ass!” But no.

Her singing is good but I REALLY wish she could have sang “No Air” with Chris Brown. And since her performance is a little – well – boring, I thought it would be a good idea if “SYTYCD” adopted the “Dancing with the Stars” idea of having professional dancers dance to the song that the guest is singing. Much more entertaining than watching Jordin prance around in heels. It’s fine on American Idol (a singing show) because there’s the added plus of waiting for them to fuck their song up – but on this show – doesn’t cut it.

It’s finally time to cut some peeps from the show! Girls first! Nigel gives the girls a good “WTF YOU’VE BEEN IN THE BOTTOM THREE LIKE 2-3 TIMES”!!!!! And tells them “America’s trying to tell you something.” Yes we are.

“STOP SUCKING.” Oh and (Respectively) “Stop wearing business casual.” “Pull up your pants.” and “Stop stealing flower arrangements.”

Nigel says we’re left with 3 girls – all with 3 C’s – to which Kourtni yells “K”!! How is it this man produces the show – picked the cast – judges them every week – and still doesn’t know the girl spells her name like an idiot? No worries – he makes a dyslexic joke to cover it up. A DYSLEXIC JOKE ON NATIONAL TV!!! OUCH! He such an is phucker.

Nigel calls Chelsea T. forward and CUTS HER RIGHT AWAY! Oh shit! Booo – I liked Chelsea! Then Cat adds to the kick in the gut by saying “No more tears – let’s watch your video”. GEEZ! The girl got cut 3 seconds ago and Miss Prim is all “Alright – suck it up – watch the montage and get the fuck off the stage! And don’t get tears on my mermaid dress!!!“

Chelsea is REALLY optimistic and a sweet girl about it. Good for her. I’d be so tempted to be like “FUUUUCK YOU ALLLLLLL!!!! YOU MADE ME DANCE THE FUCKING QUICKSTEP!!! WHO DANCES THAT ANYMORE?!?! RAAAAAHHHHH!!!!”

The boys are up now and Nigel calls Matt out and apologizes for “hitting on him” and tells him he’s SAFE! Wow. Someone really needs to tell Nigel what the phrase “hitting on him” means in America. Cause that’s creepy and gross. Matt’s like 70 years younger than Nigel.

Now it’s down to Chris and Thayne – and… IT’S VANILLA!!! WHEW! I really think Thayne has more to show. And Chris just doesn’t have much – he’s sweet and plain – he’s not a tree, he’s just Vanilla. After the montage Chris blubbers out a thank you speech. Awwwww… get off the stage.

So that’s it! Next week Thayne and Comfort will be the new couple on the block! Let’s hope they lift each other up – otherwise it’s gonna be “Adios Thayfort!”

What’s everyone thinking?! Did Chelsea deserve to get booted?! Any upset Vanilla fans out there?! If you’re French, German or Michael Caine – please feel free to post your thoughts on Nigel here! Come on kids and DISH IT!