So You Think You Can Dance: Double the Dancing! Double the Standards! (AKA Mia is Evil!)

We’re down to the final six couples! Wow – it seems (and feels) like it’s been forever. And since they crammed way too much into last week – the kids are starting to feel like those guests you love but just stay a liiiittle too long in your house. And these kids didn’t bring a host gift – cause they’re on So You Think You Can Dance!

Usually I breeze through the intro’s but tonight I noticed a couple of things. First, it seems like the better dancers do a crappy “3 second solo” and the “ok” dancers do a better one. Will and Chelsie’s were totally “blah”. However the best was Courtney because…

She smiles like it causes her physical pain. Maybe it’s because right before the show she had to peel Gev off of her for the 63rd time… that day.

Thayne did a back flip – which I was impressed with. I didn’t think he could do tricks other than spinning and smiling – and spinning while smiling.

And am I the only one who thinks it’s neat when at the end of the opening they all end up dancing with people other than their partner?! It’s like “swing” time at “SYTYCD”!

Tonight Cat is wearing something halfway decent. It’s not gorgeous – but it’s not the “lesbian groom at a wedding” that was last week. (shout out to EliottJ!)

Meanwhile…

Mia Michaels (my least fav judge) is dressed like a gay frenchman circa 1930. She’s also showing one shoulder too many.

And Mary’s dressed in the gaudiest Quinceanera dress I’ve ever seen. Ole!

Speaking of… first up – Chelsie and Mark – they have the salsa! With Alex Da Silva…

Are you kidding me? The douche-baggery on this show has reached an all-time high.

Rehearsal looked like a blast for Mark. He spend most of it being uncomfortably close to Chelsie’s vagina:

It’s…not…any…prettier…close…up! (gag)

Time to see if all that muff-muching paid off. And it did! Their salsa is muy caliente with extra pepper. Lots of quick and fancy footwork. But really – do we expect anything less out of these two anymore? There’s one little “lull” and Mark seems a little distracted at points but in general I think it’s good.

Especially the part where he drags Chelsie across his taint. Payback’s a bitch sister.

Nigel loved the dance and gives a shout out to Alex. Has anyone noticed how Nigel ALWAYS gives a shout out to each of the choreographers like it’s a friggin’ infomercial? I’m surprise he doesn’t flash their myspace page on the screen. “BUY LESSONS WITH ALEX NOW!”

Nigel also adds that Mark was tense but that he (Nigel) would be “tense” dancing with Chelsie as well – as in he would have a boner. Can someone inform Nigel that while being a lascivious old man in Europe might fly – here in the states you better at least have a film or record career to back it up?

Mary likes it but wanted Mark to be a little “looser”. However she says he’s a great partner to the “beautiful dynamite” that is Chesie. I was expecting Nigel to say “Yes! And I’d like to see her “BANG”!” But luckily he resisted.

And…then…comes…Mia. Who says Chelsie is “so gorgeous” she wants to “stab her”. STAB HER?!!? WTF?!!? GOOD GOD! RUN CHELSIE!!!! By “stab” I assure you she means “turn into a sheesh kabob and EAT you!” (BTW – Can we discuss how unnecessary it was for the camera to slowly zoom up the 18 year-old’s body from head to toe while Mia said this?! INAPPROPRIATE!)

Meanwhile she says that Mark was awkward in the dance. Maybe it’s because he was afraid of getting between Mia and Chelsie the whole time. Poor kid was afraid HE’D catch a blow dart or a skewer.

Up next – Comfort and Thayne! These kids have a rough road – they’re still the only “new couple” and were in the bottom three last week. This week they have Hip Hop with Tabitha and Napoleon – AKA “Napitha” or “Taboleon”. Gross.

It’s nice to know they make themselves throw up in the mouth a little too.

Comfort’s excited to do her own thang. Thayne is just worried he’s gonna look like a silly white boy. Yeah – about that – ummm – best of luck. His major concern is smiling too much. It’s actually kind of cute. But I’m sure Mia will solve the problem by ripping his lips off and feeding them to him.

Their routine starts and I think it’s pretty good. It’s a flirtatious hip hop love story and it feels very bubble gum-ish. Which I think works for the two of them. There’s a not a “sexual chemistry” there but I don’t think there always needs to be one. Although I do think Comfort was trying for it…

And Thayne just smiled nervously thinking, “WAIT!! Isn’t this how you make a baby?!?! NOOOOO!!!”

Nigel thought they didn’t take the opportunity to really “become” the characters and relate to each other. And while sweet Cat tries to stick up for them and say “But they are a new couple!”, Nigel bitch slaps her back with a “No excuses at this point!!! And shut your bloody mouth unless you want to ride the hot tamale train back to London gutter I found you in!!”

Mary agrees that the chemistry was lacking. She says it wasn’t enough to get her to “stand up right now”. Well yeah – that and there’s no time to bring the crane in. Let’s be real!

Mia thinks it was “a little more than good” but that Comfort and Thayne need to step it up and get more “meat and potatoes”. Geesh. We get it Mia. You’re hungry. I’m sure they have the bin of freshly slaughtered puppies ready for you during the next commercial break.

Up next – Jessica and Will with a Tyce DiOrio contemporary routine – a la Adam & Eve style. The producers are really trying to frame their story as a comeback story. You can tell from the “Titanic” meets “Rudy” background music and they “We’re gonna do this!” clips. Why do I have a sinking feeling this spells tragedy?

Jessica and Will perform their routine and – well – I’m puzzled. It’s very “contemporary” – I’ll say that. I don’t really get the whole “Adam and Eve” thing. I was waiting for a snake to come into play – or maybe for Jessica to rip one of Will’s ribs out – or eat the apple and do the whole “original sin”. But instead they just kind of groped each other to the sounds of pseudo-Enya. Maybe I’m just not artistic enough. Or I was busy loathing my own body while watching Will.

Although I love the look Jessica gives Will at the end:

“Did I do it right Daddy?! Did I make you proud?!?! DID I?!? LOVE MEEEEE!!!”

Nigel starts with a plug for Tyce. Seriously. They should just have Snuggle Bear come out and shit a commercial out on stage while they’re at it.

Nigel calls it stunning – especially the fact that Jessica’s catching up. He felt they “added something” unlike “the last couple”. Ouch. Thayne’s crapping in Will’s dressing room right now.

Mary decides that May-December romance should be the theme of the evening and yells to Will, “You Tarzan – Me Jane!” ICK! Although I would like to see her swing from a tree. She adds that it was one of “the most amazing pieces” she’s ever seen on the show. And that Jessica was “right there again”! WHAT?! Why the fuck is Mary acting like she’s said Jessica’s been great all along?!

Nigel adds that he was counting Will’s abs during the performance. Excellent. He’s creepy-gross with both boys and girls. He’s a regular Renaissance man.

Mia tells us the story of how Tyce was at her house when he first told her about this routine. First of all – I love how she acts like “OMG – Listen to this – I am friends with THE Tyce DiOrio!” Yeah – he’s the cat’s meow. We’re all jealous. Secondly – she tells us she fell asleep when she heard the song! OH MIA! You and your stories! How utterly insane! Get to the part of the story where the three billy goats come to the door looking for the little troll under the bridge.

“Ye shall not pass me bridge!”

I love how Will has a look on his face like “Ummm… ok” the whole time Mia babbles on. We’re all right there with ya buddy. And for the first time Mia’s actually complementing Jessica!

Up next – Courtney and Gev. They’re doing a Cha Cha number under the direction of our old friends Pasha and Anya! Courtney’s impressed that Gev’s picking it up so quick – could be because Gev, Pasha and Anya are all from Mother Russia. There they learn to plow the fields, weld the steel and oh yeah – nail the Cha Cha. Together they are unstoppable!!! Well – except if this guy shows up…

“GET OFF MY… STAGE!”

During rehearsal Gev is excited because he gets to “give Courtney the message” which means giving her the crotch bump. I believe that message is “Play hard to get it all you want – this Russian sub’s gonna dive!”

They’re dancing to “Please Don’t Stop the Music” by Rihanna which I loooooove! AND their dance is fantastic! I would love to be able to bust these moves out on the dance floor when the song comes on in a club. However I think the “message” I’d give would be “Watch out!!! He’s gonna bloooow!”

It might just be me but I think this is one of the best dances of the night so far – really clean and highly entertaining. The only part that was weird was the final move where Courtney writhes in Gev’s arm. It looks like she’s having a seizure…

In which she morphs from Courtney… into one of the Supremes.

Nigel tells Courtney how sexy she is. And that although the dance wasn’t technically perfect – it was very fun to watch. He also makes fun of Gev for pursing his lips too much. Apparently he’s jealous of someone who has lips.

Mary screams “It was magic!” and “It was hot cha-cha-cha-cha!” Mary agrees that the technicality was off but because of their presence and connection with each other it didn’t matter. Hmm – why do I have a feeling if it was the same for other couples they would’ve been skewered?! Regardless, Mary still puts them on el Tren de los Tamales Calientes.

Mia thinks it was “Fabulosity at its best” and follows with “You guys are not the best dancers on the show – that is clear.” It’s like her body rejects being positive for more that 5 seconds at a time. She has “Judging Tourette’s Syndrome”.

Cat then asks Gev if he shaved his chest. He blushes and says he did to which Nigel asks “Did you shave it or wax it?!” WHAT?! Why the hell would he ask that?! And then he’s all puzzled when Gev uses the word “trimmed”. I was waiting for follow ups of “Boxers or Briefs?”, “Briefs or Commando?”, “Spit or Swallow?!” but luckily Cat cut him off with “That would’ve been awful (if he didn’t shave), (Courtney) would have had hair in her teeth!” Yup. This show is CLASS.

Up next – Twitchington dancing Krump with Lil’ C. Kton says she has a “little gangsta” in her. Really? What’s his name? Hey oh! (Gimme a break it’s 3am.)

Lil’ C says this is going to be “BUCK”. This is “Krump Talk” for “Super!”. Kton is worried she is not “feelin’ it” so they dress her up and try to make her look “Buck”.

She looks bucking retarded.

They start their Krump and Twitch hits the stage with fierce buckness. Then Kton comes out with a mild touch of fierceness – at least you can tell she’s trying. That maternity haircut is NOT helping though.

They’re definitely trying to hit the beats hard and represent “Thug Life”. It’s pretty good but I think it gets a little old after awhile. Kind of feels like the same moves over and over. Although…

I like the move where Twitch tells Kton to get the buck out of his face.

Cat asks Nigel what he thought of the dance…

But she apparently catches him at a bad time. Now this is how “buck” is made.

Nigel says that on paper “this was the equivalent of Busta Rhymes and Miley Cyrus”. Wow – I’d like to see Annie Leibowitz photograph THAT. But he says they pulled it off and it was fantastic.

Nigel also says that the energy dropped in the end but because the first half was so good he’ll just forget it. WHAT?!?! This is a night of double standards folks! There’s NO WAY he would’ve have said that to other couples! Treachery!!!

Mary says it’s the first time she’s believed in Krump. Apparently before this Krump existed somewhere between Santa and the Tooth Fairy for her. She was surprised at how “gangsta” Kton was. She’ll be even more surprised when K-ton jumps her in the parking lot later. That’d be buck!

Mia calls it “Dirty, disgusting, stank and buck – buuuuck!” and “Scary! It was your life!” What?!?! How the buck does she know that?! I hope she knows something and she’s not just assuming. Although she is friends with THE Tyce Diorio so I’m guessing she has super powers or something.

Mia also calls Kton out for getting tired in the end and AGAIN says she’ll let it go! You know Comfort is backstage going “W…T….F!?!”

Up next – Katee and Joshua dancing the Viennese Waltz with Jean-Marc. Joshua is supposed to be a ghost. Ooooh! I hope they mold a clay pot on stage and Debbie Allen can play Whoopi’s part.

Through the whole rehearsal they playfully blame each other for screwing up dance moves. Awww – pushing the blame on someone else – they really are becoming Hollywood! One of the hardest dance moves is the “snake” which by looking at it has tragic mess written all over it.

Katee and Joshua begin their waltz and I think it’s beautiful. It’s much more fluid and moving than I usually find the waltzes to be. They’re very in sync and I think they totally rock it. AND…

Katee nails the “snake”!!! Oh. Ummm…

Nigel yells at Joshua for being “too bouncy” but compliments Katee for getting all of the lifts right. Mary loved the lifts but says “It just wasn’t quite all there.” WHAT?!?! I thought it was great! Shut up Mary – shut your little chipmunk face!

Mia says watching Joshua “was like watching a football player trying to grasp the movement”. Meanwhile she calls Katee a gift to dance. Awww… I agree…

But those fucking bangs have GOT to go!!! She looks like Mrs. Swan!

Up next – Chelsea and Mark dance broadway with Tyce (OMG are you friends with Mia?!!?) Diorio. Tyce tells us this is a very sexy and sultry routine. Chelsea’s worried she can’t “pull sexy off”. I’m sure Nigel would disagree.

Mark is surprised that Chelsea can be sexy. Mark – if a blonde girl is on TV and she isn’t smart – she must be “sexy” – and the girl just spelled “wrap”: “w-a-r-p”. We got a hottie on our hands!

Their broadway number is from “Smokey Joe’s Cafe” and appropriately – their number is smokin’ hot! They really do a great job of looking like they’re mad for each other and the number is filled with sass and attitude. Speaking of…

Mark shows us exactly how to open Chelsea’s can of “Whoop Ass”. “POP” “Siiissss…”

Nigel said he “saw Bette Midler’s routine in Vegas and it wasn’t half as hot out there as that routine was!” WOW! Was it half as obvious as your plug for Bette’s show though?! Where’s Snuggle bear?!? Why don’t you drag is furry ass out here to tell us about Bette’s show while he chomping away at a pack of Fruit Sensations gum?!!?

Nigel loves Chelsea’s legs and says they “go on foreva”. They have to – they’re running away from a creepy old British guy.

Mary screams. (I know – hold your shock) She loved how Chelsea threw Mark’s head around and then he let her fall to the floor. Oh! Mary likes it ROUGH! Speaking of – do you think she screams during sex? Because I think if I go to hell my punishment would be a hotel room, with paper-thin walls, right next to her room. Although I guess I’d finally get to hear her ride the hot tamale train.

Mia thought they did a great job but (Tourettes Activate – form of – Judgy Bitch!) she says “Mark, I feel like it showed a lack of training and technique.” She also says Chelsea “lacked movement”. If I was Chelsea I would have yelled back, “Bitch I don’t have this body from standing still! Shoooot!”

Nigel asks if anyone else found Chelsea’s outfit odd (since it was suppose to be in a kitchen) and Cat counters with “Well – you might not be in there to cook.” OH HEEEEEY!!! Nigel think’s she’s refering to sex – but I’ve had British food before and I think she really meant that – British women do not go into a kitchen to cook. Defecate into the pots perhaps. But not cook.

Comfort and Thayne are up with a contemporary number with Mandy Moore. Comfort is hell bent on impressing everyone and Thayne is a bit nervous because it’s his style and the bar will be raised. Be nervous – it is – and you’re on thin ice buddy.

And to top it all off, Comfort is having problems with her arm again. Which makes me cringe – I keep waiting for Thayne to tear it off. Or for it to do that thing that Mel Gibson always did in the Lethal Weapons movies – where it popped out and he’d pop it back in. Although I’m guessing Comfort wouldn’t blame the Jews for her arm popping out.

They begin their dance and it’s definitely one of the most passionate and sexual dances I’ve seen them do. It was very flowing and beautiful. I could tell that they fucked up a few moves but in general I thought it was one of their best dances yet – although one dance move did make me nervous…

“Hold real still…I promise it’ll just hurt for a sec!” “NOOOOOO!!!!!”

Nigel says, (Hold you’re breath – this is gonna sting) “I would have like to have seen another couple dance that routine.” OOOUUUUCH! WHAT THE FUCK!!??? That was soooo RUDE!!! Everyone boos and Nigel says “I know – I want to boo myself but it’s how I feel.” EW. There is no need for the judges to say shit like that. I guess constructive criticism has completely left the building. Thayne should have said “I know how you feel – I wish Simon Cowell was here in your set every night”.

Mary didn’t like it either. Of course on the plus side this means she’s not screaming. Mia’s Tourette’s works in reverse this time. She tells Comfort “You can only fake it for so long” and then tells Thayne he’s “Brilliant”. Can’t Comfort make my day and scream “I’ll cut you bitch!!!” just once?!

Up next – Jessica and Will are back performing everyone’s least favorite to dance (and watch) – the Quick Step! They’ll be under the direction of Tony and Melanie – everyone’s favorite ambiguously gay duo!

Tony and Melanie tell us why the Quick Step is so notorious. Apparently “the timing needs to be perfect – one wrong up when the other is going down – ohh – disaster!” Ooooh – the drama! Somehow that neeeeever translates to the stage with this dance.

Will compares learning the dance to being in Kindergarten and being taught Calculus. He could have been more relevant and said “It’s like teaching Chelsea to spell.”

I love how Tony and Melanie are like old-school stereotypes of themselves: Tony: “People spend a LIFETIME learning to do this!!” Melanie: “A lifetime!!!” Any minute you expect them to yell “You gotta WANT it! Need it! Live it! Dance it! A 5, 6, 7, 8!”

Tony and Melanie work so well together. Hey Melanie – how do you keep Tony so happy all the time!?

Ahhh yes. I figured.

Will and Jessica’s dance starts off with a bang. Will does 5 backward flips across the stage! And then Jessica comes out and… does… one… slow flip. Work in progress folks!

The dance seems to be going well. But honestly the only thing I know about Quick Step is that the feet move fast. I see fast feet. So… it’s good? I hate this dance.

I’m sure the judges are gonna say “FABULOUS CHOREOGRAPHY! But you guys sucked ass.” However, I didn’t think the choreography was that great at all. Pretty boring. And what the fuck was the deal with Will’s last move where he drags his lifeless legs across the stage?

He looked like that that scene from “Misery” where James Caan falls out of his wheelchair and is trying to escape from Kathy Bates. Maybe this means he’ll throw a typewriter at Mia at one point?

Nigel thought everything was “great!” but the actual “quickstep” was lacking. Mary says if the Fashion Police were present they’d give Will a ticket for his jacket. THIS COMING FROM THE MOUTH OF A LADY WEARING A DRESS THAT LOOKS LIKE IT WAS STOLEN FROM THE SET OF ZORRO IN 1957. She then goes into an explanation of why this jacket was bad for Will. Who the fuck cares Mary?! HE didn’t pick it out! Why doesn’t anyone ever say “Uhhh – I didn’t pick it!” when the judges say shit like this?!

And then came Mia. Mia starts by saying “Oh my God I was so excited for the first number because I thought Jessica finally got it… BUT…” Oh shit Jessica – better prepare yourself…

Yup. There we go. Ok – continue on Mia…

Mia: “You went back to that insecure place… it didn’t work at all…Will, you look tired from carrying her – you’ve been carrying her this entire time – and you need a new partner.” OHHH MYYYY GOD! Those, ladies and gentlemen, was the MEANEST thing EVER said on this show! I’m speechless. I don’t give a crap how bad Jessica might have been – that was uncalled for. I officially just jumped off the Mia train. That was RIDICULOUS!

Will is ever the gentlemen and says that he’s glad Jessica came out of her shell tonight (referring to the first dance). Ouch. This was ROUGH. Jessica gets a “Hillary Clinton” award for smiling through that fuckfest.

Up next – Courtney and Gev are doing a contemporary routine with Mandy Moore. It all revolves around being lost and using a map. At one point Gev kicks Courtney in the head. Apparently the Russians woo their women a little differently.

The dance begins and Gev is dressed like Indiana Jones – sans the hairy chest. The routine is interesting but there’s not much too it. And really it’s only because all the other dances try to pack so much thought and meaning in. This one is just about a couple arguing over directions and a map. Turns out dance isn’t that extraordinary when it’s an interpretation of an “Everybody Loves Raymond” episode.

Although an especially delightful moment came…

When Courtney threw Gev over her back. HIIIIYA! I think Mandy taught her this move for when Gev finally loses it and goes for the gold.

Nigel thought it was fun but not much substance. (I agree – scary!) Mary thought it was great – “rough and raw and just livin’ it up there!” Was she watching the same routine everyone else was?! How the fuck can a dance about a map be “raw”?! Maybe she’s thinking about how she likes her steak or something.

Mia says “Both pieces were great tonight!” and “You guys are one of my top couples!” Maybe Gev sends a bottle of Stoli to the judge’s room every night.

Up next – Twitchington – and they’re doing a tango with Jean-Marc. This routine is supposed to be like “Mr. & Mrs. Smith”. So apparently it will destroy a marriage and culminate with twins.

Their tango begins and it’s interesting – it’s not as fun and crazy as I hoped it would be though. Kton does a great job with the lines and the turns but aside from that – it just doesn’t have the passion and urgency that a Tango should have. And I hate it when you can see a “big move” coming before it happens.

“Onnneeee, twwoooo….” Good Lord. This is a dance competition! Not 4th grade gymnastics! Nail the flip and move on! Shit!

Nigel tells Twitch that “it wasn’t honest” for him. In general he said it wasn’t as good as he thought Twitch could be. And you know how sometimes it feels like the judges totally cooked up something to say before they even saw the dance? Well… “Kherington,” Nigel says, “This is based on assassins – but you murdered the dance routine tonight – not each other.” UGH! That was tooootally planned. Nice job PAULA.

Mary says the beginning and the ending were phenomenal but she has problems with the whole middle. Gee Mary – why don’t you just “forget” about the part you didn’t like then?! It’s what you did with their LAST routine! HA!

Mia says “Dance is powerful and magical… because of personality” and then drops the “BUT IT WASN’T HERE” bomb.

I thought Cat was hysterical here because she just looked at the camera and scratched her head after all of this and said, “Well… it’s up to you guys at home”. Kind of like “I stopped giving a shit after Mia soul-fucked Jessica on national TV.”

Up next – and last (CAN IT BE?!?! I’VE ALMOST MADE IT!!!!) is Katee and Joshua! We see the clip of them picking the dance out of the hat and I have 2 questions:

1. What the hell is Joshua doing? Pouting? 2. What the hell is Cat wearing?! Is that a necklace from ancient Egypt paired with a red Muu Muu?! Gee – I wonder why this outfit didn’t make it to a show!

The good news is that one of our fav couples got “Bollywood”! Oohh! A lil’ something different. I’m glad they got this. I really can’t see any of the other couples doing it.

Bollywood is a dance-style from India. There’s lots of different hand movements and at one point, instead of making “sleeping dear” Joshua makes a gesture which, Nakul the choreographer, tells us “would offend half the world”. Half the world’s Indian? Maybe he was including those who know sign language too. Ask Mia – I’m sure she uses it when she drives.

Their Bollywood dance begins and once again – you can see why the producers save their performance til the end. It’s fantastic! Not only do they nail the moves but they totally get the look and feel of watching a Bollywood movie!

Hooray for Bollywood! Wait – are Katee’s hands telling me to go fuck myself?! Oh wait – nevermind – she’s saying “Two ducks quacking.”

Nigel is ecstatic and says “Who would’ve ever dreamt that we’d be seeing *injun* cultural dancing on this program!” I swear he said “injun”! I almost fell off my chair. Talk about offending half the world.

Nigel tells us how he’s tried forever to get this on the show and how happy he is. He also notes how it’s amazing how the world’s different dances all have something in common together. And how the world would be a better place if we came together with dance. Yeah – but then we’d have to share OUR oil so fuck that. Am I right or am I right?! (sound of crickets)

Mary then bestows the most AMAZING peace of wisdom ever uttered on the show, “On this stage we have one rule – heart, soul equals stardom. You guys are stars tonight!” If I could write “WHAT!?” in size 86 font on this I would. That made nooooo sense. And what kind of fucked up equation was that?! Maybe she took calculus with Will in kindergarten.

Mia thought all the bells and whistles were fantastic. She also notes “It is so friggin’ great to have world dance.” Ahhh Mia – ever the poet.

And that’s it!!! THAT’S IT!!! YEAH!!!! What’d everyone think?! Are Mark and Chelsea still the tops or are Joshua and Katee edging them out!? Could Gev and Courtney beat them all with their chemistry alone?! Is Kherington’s sweetness cooling our Twitch itch!? And most importantly – BREAKING NEWS – IS JESSICA LEAVING THE SHOW DUE TO AN INJURY INFLICTED UPON HERSELF BECAUSE OF MIA’S RIDICULOUS COMMENTS??!! Don’t do it Jessica – and if you do – take Mia down with you! Come on everyone and DISH IT!!!!