So You Think You Can Dance: You Won’t Feel A Thing

We are down to the final six – shocking?!!? No. To me, I was much more shocked that the episode is only an hour long!!! AN HOUR!!! Holy shit. I bet the exec’s at FOX were fuming that Nigel wouldn’t pistol-whip the kids into another 12 group dances to fill 2 hours. Although I’m sure the kids were expecting it – I mean come on – this isn’t cable – it’s So You Think You Can Dance!

And for tonight’s ensemble, Cat’s wearing a lovely gay jellyfish.

Tonight’s judges are Nigel (yawn), Mary (ick) and Adam Shankman (YEAH!). I love it when Adam’s a judge – he’s usually on-point and entertaining. I’m not saying Mary’s not entertaining though. Screaming every friggin’ thing she says is just show-biz genius.

First up for the night – Mark and Courtney performing the Viennese waltz under new choreographer, Jason Gilkison. First I have to throw out there that I ran into Mark last night at an LA bar. And by ran into I mean I ran to him. I may have had a few drinks and may have ran up to him and may have squealed “OMG we totally loved you and think you did an amazing job!” To which he kindly replied “Thank you so much!” Awww – what a sweetheart! I ran away after that for fear that he’d ruin my perfect image of him by saying something stupid. It’d be like seeing Travis Wall dressed like white trash and chain smoking. (Sigh… 3 months ago… I was devastated!)

ANYWAYS, the only trouble Mark and Courtney seem to be having in rehearsal is Mark likes to grope Courtney up.

This might be a problem if it wasn’t for the fact that this is Mark’s reaction to her boobies.

Their waltz starts and it’s gorgeous. I love the song too. It’s David Cook’s “Time of my Life”. It sounds like one of those classic American montage songs that they play and makes you cry a bit. Not me. I’m just saying. Some people get teary eyed. Losers. (ahem) It also helps that these two make a cute couple and are dancing like young lah-vers.

Courtney’s hair is pretty crazy though. It keeps falling down in front of her face and she looks like the creepy girl from “The Ring”:

“When you die you see… the Galiano!”

Adam starts off by dramatically saying they were fabulous. He loved Mark’s “rise and fall” during the waltz and thought it was the best this season. He’s convinced America will love the performance. Don’t be so sure Mr. Shankman! America loves what it wants to love! Don’t tell us what to do! Or we’ll invade your pretty little mansion! Yeah! Hoo rah!

Mary (who I’m ALMOST positive is wearing the same bedazzled dress as a few weeks ago) screams how she loves how they choreograph in the land down under. So I’m guessing Jason’s either from Australia or Mary’s vagina.

Nigel thought that it was incredibly romantic and takes the chance to plug that the song was David Cook’s from American Idol. Geez – always plugging. I bet he’s one of those people that would name their own kids after a product for publicity. “These are my kids – that’s “Americanidol Lythgoe” and over there, that’s “SYTYCD Lythgoe”. And of course mother’s pregnant with little “Snugglebear Lythgoe”.”

Up next – Chelsea with her solo! She’s dancing to “When I Grow Up” which couldn’t be more appropriate. And of course she’s doing those bachacada’s like crazy (thanks “evanluck”!). And she’s shaking her little tushy like crazy – really trying to get those votes from straight teenage boys and old men. I really hope all 7 of them who watch the show vote for her.

She also pulls a helluva split at the end:

Which reminds me of the first time I went rollerblading and/or tried to get that bit of ice cream that dripped from my cone.

Up next – Twitch’s solo. Twitch clearly knows he’s not the best dancer which is why he has wisely kicked up the personality in his solos (which might have saved Will if he had done the James Brown solo earlier in the season). Twitch is dancing to “Midas Touch” and in the middle of some KICK ASS hip-hopping, he pops in some gold teeth and puts on his “signature” glasses.

Twitch shows off the new FOX Reality Show Dental Plan.

After the solo Twitch walks over to Cat who the judges convince to take the gross teeth out of his mouth and put them in hers! EWWWWWW! Is this “SYTYCD” or “Fear Factor”!?!

And Cat shows us what Mary’s high school senior photo looks like.

The judges all go crazy over it and give Cat the cool “IV Real” salute – which is 4 fingers on the shoulder. I can’t even tell you how retarded they look doing it. But thankfully I can show you:

Nice underarm Mary. I’d imagine Nigel’s gonna get a whiff of what smells like Arrid, Botox and desperation.

Cat makes a comment about “the things we do for art”. Indeed. You know – all kidding aside – I’m PISSED that Cat didn’t get nominated for an Emmy for hosting the show. Ryan Seacrest gets a nomination but not Cat?!?! I’d love to see Ryan do something like that for a laugh. He would’ve had the teeth bleached and dry-cleaned before even touching them.

Up next – Katee and Joshua – YEAH!!! They’re my fav couple together for sure. It’s cute that they’re just as excited to be back together. They’re performing a contemporary routine with Tyce “Mia’s my Homegirl” DiOrio. And they basically talk about how it’s so important that they’re back together again for the whole rehearsal. I would have rather seen Tyce prance around in his sneakers. Or hear him explain that facial hair which has a 100% ick factor.

Katee and Joshua begin their routine and of course it’s beautiful, amazing and every other compliment you can throw at it. AND it has one of the best moves of the entire season:

Katee jumps into a split and Joshua catches her like that in mid-air!!! WHAT?!! Can you imagine Kourtni doing this with Matt?! He’d be typing with his nose for the rest of his life.

Adam starts out by saying it was Tyce’s most beautiful work all season (agreed). And then he goes off on a tangent about how he’s known Tyce forever (why do all the judge always feel the need to give us the 6 degrees of separation on everyone they’ve ever worked with?!) all because of a little lady known as…

Hey Paula! (I’m looking forward to when she critiques everyone’s dances before they happen!)

Adam goes on to declare that these two are among the most exciting dancers ever to be on this show. Wow! They’ll never be better than Neil though. Ahhh Neil. (sigh) Quiet down! I’m just saying.

And of course right before we got to Mary (as they turn her mic up) we hear her clapping in the microphone – AGAIN. Don’t any of the producers read tvgasm?!? I told you people to get that monkey to stop banging her hands together into the mic last week!!! DAMMIT PEOPLE!

Mary loved the leap-catch and says she doesn’t think it was a bold statement to declare that Joshua would be in the finale and she still believes it. She then screams. Loudly. If someone were to take a burning cow-poke and shove it into my taint it would be more enjoyable than listening to this lady scream.

It’s been 5 minutes since Nigel’s last plug so it’s time again. This time he gives a shout out to Gillian Lynne – who choreographed Phantom and Cats – and is in the audience. Wow – that’s pretty awesome. I would have loved for her to choreograph a dance this season. She looks like this sweet little old thing but I bet she could make Chelsea cry in under 10 seconds. “SO YOU THINK YOU CAN DANCE?!? THAT’S NOTHING!!! YOU’RE NOTHING!!!” Then she’d beat her with her walker.

Nigel adds that he still can’t believe that Joshua’s had no formal training. The camera cuts to a shot of (who I’m guessing is) Joshua’s mom in the audience.

I’m not going to make fun of his mom. But perhaps he can bring both Katee and his mom to a hair stylist immediately following the show. Giiirrll… She puts the BANG! in bangs.

Next up – Chelsea and Twitch are doing the Mambo with Tony and Melanie. Hey Melanie, how many cans of hairspray did you use today?!

What?! One?! I don’t believe it! Seems like Tony’s saying “Two”.

Tony and Melanie obviously have some serious sexual tensions to work out. Last time with Gev and Courtney they were all about getting him to grab her ass. Now this time they’re getting Chelsea to do a move where Twitch drags his nuts across her face:

Melanie’s like the midwife of dirty moves. “There you go Chelsea – now just hold your breath, close your eyes and think of handbags.”

They begin their Mambo and you can tell that Chelsea’s really in her element and Twitch is stretching to keep up. But it’s fast, furious and full of mambo-flair. My favorite move is at the end when Twitch falls flat onto Chelsea:

“A little foreplay would’ve been nice.”

Adam says his eyes were glued to Cheslea the whole time and he has yet to see something that she couldn’t do (ask her to spell something…anything). He also loved that Twitch was trying his best .

Mary thought it was a great time and that they did the best they could with the whole “2 beat” thing. (I don’t get it but I’m sure most of you do.) Mary goes on and on about Chelsea’s performance and her red outfit. And then we’re treated to yet another slow pan of Chelsea’s body from toe to head. Creepy. That’s like the 3rd time they’ve done that this season. If I wanted to leer at young girls I’d take notes from Nigel.

Speaking of – Nigel compliments Chelsea on her legs and legwork. He also chews Twitch out a bit for showing in his face that he was lost during the routine. They show a playback of Twitch’s panicked look as he watches Chelsea’s footwork and tries to match it.

Now it’s time for Katee’s solo. It’s not her best solo but it’s still great. It looks like she spent more time working on her couple’s routines which is probably for the best. It’s just that she’s doing that Mia thing where it looks like she’s throwing her body around aimlessly. She looks like Nell.

“Chicka, chicka, chickabee! T’ee an me an t’ee an me! Ressa, ressa, ressa me!”

Time for Joshua’s solo. And ooohhhh myyyyy goooood! It’s totally crazy. This boy pulls every trick out of the book. AND completely reminds you why he made it to this show to begin with. His hip hop is phenomenal here and he pairs it with a lil’ bit of everything else. Including a jump spilt that occurs about 15 feet off the ground it seems. It’s amazing he can get that booty that high up.

That ass just got air miles.

Next up, Courtney and Mark with freak-a-lik Sonya. I love her style – I just hope it’s more successful and well-received than her routine for Matt & Kourtni (who are both at home throwing half-eaten pizza at the TV and sobbing while we watch this).

The theme is old-French Burlesque. Love it! I think this means Mark will be giving Courtney consumption. That outta boost the ratings.

Although…

I’m guessing the entire midwest and Bible-belt turned off right around this moment. (BTW – doesn’t Sonya remind you of one of those people that might hand you a spoon on the subway and ask you to dig the demons out of her head? I’m just saying.)

Mark and Courtney perform and it’s a really cool routine. Definitely something out of Sonya’s head and well executed. I can’t think of a more perfect style for Mark and wouldn’t be surprised if he ends up working with Sonya after this show.

The choreography is lusty and nutso all at the same time. I just would have loved to hear Sonya’s notes during rehearsal during certain moments. I’d imagine they sounded like:

“OK Mark I need you to bite your fist while you hump the floor. Excellent. Courtney you’ll be straddling him at this point of course.”

“Ok Mark – now I need you to dry hump Courtney here. And when you look into the camera – just imagine her parents are watching this and imagine what might be the last possible expression they’d like to see on your face while doing it – aaaand go ahead and make that expression.”

Everyone loves the dance of course. Adam goes bonkers and screams that it was “sick”. Uh oh – Mia totally just filed for copyright infringement. Adam gives props to Sonya for bringing her dark energy and the kids for becoming a giant ball of incredible when paired together.

Mary says it’s the weirdest fight scene she’s ever seen in her life. Adam comments “I thought that was a love story” in the tone of “Mary – you wouldn’t know art if it walked up to you and bitch slapped that clown make-up right off your face.”

Nigel says that it’s incredibly easy to identify one of Sonya’s routines. No shit Captain obvious. He loves that it’s perfect for Mark and calls the dance a highlight of the evening. Tonight’s just a regular “dance” lovefest.

Katee and Joshua are up again and this time they’re with Jason for a fiery Pasa Doble. Normally I’m not a huge fan of this dance BUT – it’s Joshua and Katee! Que fuego!

Jason says he needs Joshua to be very angry with Katee. Which will be a stretch for him knowing how smiley he is 24/7. Maybe he should pretend Katee is the only person standing between him and winning. That should get him steamed. (And actually – I’m pretty sure she is the only one that could stop him.)

It’s time for their performance and whhaaaaaa – it’s a hunky shirtless Joshua! Oye Doble!

And Katee looks like Princess Leia in that slave outfit. Now we just need Mary or Mia to play Jabba the Hut in the background. DANCE WARS!

The dance is, simply put, the best Pasa Doble I’ve ever seen. I love it. And I don’t think it’s the most technically amazing Pasa Doble – but it just pops and stands alone. It doesn’t feel staged and overly dramatic like ones I’ve seen before.

Adam is in complete amazement of how brilliant Joshua is given his background. And he tells Katee she’s going to be so proud once she sees this on TV. I agree. Except maybe she’ll rethink the hair. Please God – rethink the hair.

Mary gets all dramatic and slowly states (this is just like the train wreck of an “equation” she gave a couple of weeks ago) “Katee… and Joshua… when they’re together… true magic happens on that stage.” “SCRRRRRREEEEEAAAAAAM!!!!!!!!!!” Dear Santa, Mary’s vocal box in my stocking. It’s all I want. Pllllleeeease. Love, bBitz

Nigel gives a shoutout to Jason G. and tells us he works on the “So You Think You Can Dance” in Australia where the show is #1! Wow. I’d LOOOOVE to see that show. I bet it’s even better. It has to be – that country was the birthplace of “Priscilla: Queen of the Desert”! Best…movie… evah!!!!

Nigel loved Joshua’s high-step and fancy footwork. AND Nigel agrees with Mary that Joshua’s going to “steal this show”. Wow – that’s a big deal coming from Nigel. It’s too bad that Joshua can’t enjoy it since Mary immediately gets up and screams like a fucking banshee.

I believe her dress represents something very important. One sparkle for every time Nigel’s wanted to punch her in the throat mid-scream this season.

Up next – Courtney’s solo. It was just pretty good until she did a whole bunch of perfect turns in a row – then it was BEAUTIFUL:

She’s the prettiest dancing bearded-lady this side of the sideshow.

After solos like that it’s clear that NONE of these girls plan on leaving without a fight. They are ON tonight.

Up next, Mark with his solo. OH SHIT! And someone’s gettin’ nekkid! Honestly I would’ve paid attention to the dance more but he kept whipping his shirt on and off. Somebody is wisely using “sex” to garner more votes. I don’t really blame him. If I had a nice body I’d use it like that too. But I don’t. Bastard.

It’s funny how there’s a lot less skin this year though. In the past, between Neil, Dimitri, Danny, etc – it’s always been a skinfest. Mark has the crowd going crazy:

Call me crazy girls – but don’t you think you want to avoid calling yourself a dog when trying to catch a guy? At least let him decide over a candlelit dinner of Alpo and a biscuit.

Up next – Napitha (or Taboleon – whichever you’re feelin’) are teaching Twitch and Courtney a hip hop routine. Tabitha tells us this routine is about music conductors and their control of the “stick”. Ohhhhh rrrreallllllly? Do they seriously say shit like this and think “What? Did that sound bad?”

APPARENTLY THEY DO. For the next 5 minutes everybody keeps talking about taking control of the “stick”. And then Twitch adds “When someone else goes for my stick – I get a little crazy!”

And of course Chelsea and Tabitha immediately grab his “stick”. By the looks on their faces I’d say both of them are in it to win it. Twitch’s gonna need stitches after these bitches. Hey oh!

Chelsea’s sure that she’ll have control and get the stick in the end. Don’t be so sure sweetheart. Just because you had Gev’s balls in your pocket doesn’t mean you’ll get Twitch’s stick.

Time for the stick dance. Both “conductors” come out onto stage and the fun begins:

First Twitch spanks her with his stick. And the innuendo goes downhill from there. Luckily Chelsea’s dressed like a lesbian comic circa 1985 – so his “stick” is rendered useless.

All “stick” business aside, the dancing is great and it’s a fun routine. It’s a simple premise but there’s lots of cool moves to keep it going. Chelsea really impresses me that she can dance hip hop so well – especially compared to Twitch.

Adam shouts some love to Taboleon and pours the love sauce heavy-style with Chelsea and Twitch. They deserve it though.

Mary calls Twitch “standing and stellar”. When she address him she says, “Brother…” – which I find hysterical. Oh Mary. You’re about as street as Toni basil.

Nigel says that “You can watch this show if you don’t give a damn about dancing – it’s about entertainment.” Welllll… I don’t know about THAT. My parents love reruns of “Everybody Loves Raymond” yet they don’t give a turd about this show. I kind of think you need to like dance AND young people AND competition to keep watching. A high level of tolerance for obnoxious screaming helps too.

And on that note – THAT’S IT!!! What’s everyone thinking!!? We’re well on the way to picking the winner – give me your thoughts as to who you’ll think will win it – or who deserves it the most! And what about this show?! Best ever?! DISH IT!!!