So You Think You Can Dance: Finale! Clash of the Titans…and Patterns

Ladies and Gentlemen it’s time… we are at the FINALE. We’ve come a long way. Many have fallen – but four have risen. Who will shine tonight?! Who will make that final stretch to become… AMERICA’S FAVORITE DANCER?!? Hold on to your britches, start chugging the Red Bull (I am) – because there’s four hours of quality entertainment to enjoy/suffer through to get down to one. It’s… So You Think You Can Dance!!!

Holy crap! Cat went GOLD! Her dress looks like a bunch of gold rings piled on top of each other. Maybe it’s in honor of the Olympics? She introduces the final four – Courtney, Joshua, Katee and Twitch! And we’re off!

Our final four come parading out but this time I think it feels a little sad. The stage looks empty. So many friends have fallen to get to this point. Ahhh…FUCK ‘EM. Let’s DO THIS! Here they are… the final four… otherwise known as…

Double-Stuffed Oreo

Cat comes prancing out while bellowing “4 Real”! Ugh. That phrase can’t be retired fast enough. I’m looking forward to next year’s slogan, “5 Alive!” – since it’ll be an execution style show where only 5 will actually still be alive. And they’ll bring back my favorite beverage for commercial tie-in’s:

Five Alive! It tastes like oranges and FEAR.

Tonight everyone will be dancing together. Even Courtney with Katee and Joshua with Twitch! OHHH scandalous! Same sex dancing! How positively daring!! 20 bucks and my left nut says the boys get a hip-hop routine. Boo. I’d pay money to see them do a Pasa Doble.

Tonight’s judges are Mandy Moore (Emmy nominated – wowza – looks like an Emmy nom gets you a seat in the finals at the judges table), Mary Murphy (double wowza – looks like a bottle of qualudes and squawking like an emu also gets you a seat) and of course, Nigel.

First up – it’s Twitch and Courtney dancing Hip Hop with this season’s most frequently used choreographers (and if that’s not true it at least FEELS that way), “Taboleon”. Taboleon tells us that this dance is all about a crazy, psycho girl that shows up in a club lookin’ for her man. Crap! This should have been the theme for Joshua and Twitch. I’ve seen THAT before and it’s positively entertaining. There’s a lot of finger snapping followed by a dance off and erratic screaming.

Courtney embraces the character whole-heartedly and gives her best “Look! I can be an actress TOO!” moment:

And the Oscar goes to….”Courtney Galiano! For her role as “Girl desperate for employment in 3 days!”!!!

By the way…Is it really necessary for Tabitha to sit on Napoleon’s lap during interviews?! You don’t see Tony and Melanie doing that. ICK. Ok – sorry – I just grossed myself out with that image.

Don’t get mad at us. You picked him.

Courtney tells us how funny the routine is because she’s punching, smacking and punching Twitch in the balls. Ahh.. she’s right, domestic abuse is HYSTERICAL. Now let’s reverse roles! Ohhh… no longer funny.

Courtney beats the crap out of Twitch through the whole rehearsal but then feels bad when she realizes that it’s bad PR to beat on the Twitch:

“I take it back baby! You know I hit you cause I love you! I mean, Gev loved it when I beat him around!”

They hit the dance floor and first of all…

I’d run from my girlfriend too if she wore PJ bottoms to a club. Seriously, Wardobe dept!?

The performance is pretty good – it has its moments like a cool set of moves where Twitch’s head bounces all up and down Courtney’s outstretched arms. However, my FAVORITE move is when… (children cover your eyes)

Courtney take’s Twitch’s “penis” and “fires” it like a gun in the air. I’M NOT KIDDING. She REALLY does that. This would’ve been much funnier if she fired it at her head.

Cat comments, “You can’t help but smile at that routine.” Cat loves beatin’ down the man. Go girl powah! Zig a zig ahh! Then she asks Twitch if Courtney was heavy. HAHAHAHA! Way to cut the girl back down!

Mandy loved the dance. It’s hard to hear her comments over Courtney panting in the mic. Suck it up girl – it’s only the first dance of the night and you got like 12 left – FOX is making you EARN this paycheck!

Mandy loved the “Jersey” that came out of Courtney in this and says it must be from her “Jersey” sister, Tabitha:

And Tabitha shows us what Napoleon wakes up to every morning, “Get outta bed and make me breakfast or I’ll have Shane Sparks takin’ your spot up in this so fast it’ll make you’re stoopid friggin’ head pop and lock! GO JERZ!”

Now it’s Mary’s turn and…

WHAT…THE FUCK…IS SHE…WEARING?!?! She looks like Solid Gold Ho meets Hot Hooker Mess.

Mary says she “felt” the routine and it was a “KNOCKOUT!” And that it was “tough, rough and raw”. She knows she’s talking about the routine and not her latest BM right? BTW, anytime any of you start to miss “SYTYCD” over the next couple of months – I want you to think of this image:

The quickest remedy to missing “SYTYCD” in the off-season.

Nigel says next week he’ll miss everything but (and he does his impression of Mary’s scream):

This must be what the British version of “When Animal’s Attack” looks like.

Nigel says Courtney played “crazy girlfriend” perfectly. He also notes the energy dropped a bit (it did) but that they came back in the end when Twitch gave her a spin on his head.

Up next – a heart-to-heart with Ms. Courtney. (OH I get it. THIS is how we’re gonna fill 2 hours with only 4 dancers. SHEESH!) We find out that Courtney is from “Long Island” – SHOCKER! Where no one “tawlks” and everyone “yells”. And…

Here’s a family photo of Courtney and her family.

No seriously. Her family is the type that if you said to any of them “You’re just like the Sopranos!” their response would be, “Really!? You mean it!? Wow. Thanks!”

Courtney goes through the flashbacks of her audition as well. Including when a creepy/dramatic Tyce said…

“Are you aware that you don’t stretch your feet in your jumps… just be… aware of that.” Ugh. Thanks Obi-Wan-na-Be-Mia.

Courtney tells us she has a boyfriend. Sorry all you 6 straight guys out there that watch this show! Cat asks what the deal was with her and Gev and Courtney replies, “I don’t think you have to be in love to have chemistry.” And of course they cut to a clip of them dry-humping each other onstage. Yeah – I’m sure Gev was tooooootally fine with being friends. The kid’s balls are still blue.

Side note:

Was this the oddest place to have an interview or what?! They brought the casting couch out into the audience?! Hope they had it dry cleaned.

We then see Courtney’s final solo. It’s beautiful but feels kind of vanilla at the same time. Nothing we haven’t seen before.

Except for the grannie panties – they’re new.

The judges comment on her solo and it’s a big ol’ Courtney Love-fest. Get it??! Courtney starts crying and for the first time it really touches me. Don’t cry sweetheart… it makes you look ugly.

Next up – my fav couple – Katee and Joshua! And their choreographer is the rich, famous and most likely to have been the one to break up Britney and Justin, Wade Robson! I have mixed feelings about this guy – sometimes his dances are great but many times it’s like “Eh – didn’t I just see a dance exactly like that the last time?” I just want to know where he was all season. What’s so much better than “SYTYCD” Wade?!?!?

The inspiration behind the dance is that love is hard work… especially when it’s with a popstar that’s meant to be with another popstar — I’m JUST saying!

This will be perfect for Katee and Joshua. Aww – I hope they end up together after this and make little dance babies.

Their dance begins and it’s (of course) beeee-yooo-tiful. The choreography’s great but I swear it’s the two of them that really make it. It’s just phenomenal and impossible to describe. I would suggest finding the clip online. I’m guessing it’ll be easy to find once one of these two win the show – you heard me – I’d bet everything tvgasm pays me on it.

The only part I don’t really get is when Joshua kicks her in the head and the back of the legs:

Hey Wade – Is this what sent Britney running to KFed?! Is it?!

Mandy loved everything about it – especially when they rubbed their foreheads in the stage. Hmmm.. ok.

Mary thought it was magical and amazing. She thought the best part was that the “couple” made up at the end of the “fight”. Awww – maybe she’s hoping there’s still a chance for her a Nigel. She can ride his hot tamale train.

Nigel congratulates Wade and tells us he’s been in Vegas choreographing a magic show called “Believe”. HUH?! Really?! He missed “SYTYCD” for a magic show?! That’s ridiculous.

Although I always knew he was a magician. His speciality is a trick where he makes his penis disappear. Just ask Britney about it. WHAT?!?! Ok – that was the last one.

Nigel says Wade is one of the best choreographers he’s ever worked with. (Really?!) And that one of the highlights is Joshua’s ability to have uncontrolled control. Indeed! AND Nigel adds that the two of them are two of the best dancers they’ve ever had on the show. To which Katee and Joshua look like it’s a burden to carry. Lighten up kids! It’s a dance show on FOX not the friggin’ Kennedy Center honors!

Next up, Courtney and Katee together! Girl on girl action! Woo woo! They’re dancing a broadway number with Tyce. Lame! I was hoping for another fight scene dance where they beat the snot out of each other. Although… if this is a broadway number and they do anything from “Wicked” I will absolutely wet myself.

There’s parasol’s involved. Shit. Although Tyce shows them how to work it…

AND how to get beat up on the street. That’s the gayest Mary Poppins I’ve ever seen. And she doesn’t even wear shorts and Keds.

He also gives us a glimpse of HIS upcoming show in Vegas:

“Tyce DiOrio performs as Bette, Cher AND Elton John in… the “Hey Girl! Oh shit! What?! Snaps! Tour”

The time comes for their big broadway number and it’s… boring. I just didn’t like it. I mean – it was OK. But for the FINALE?! No, no, no. These two girls are together – and they’re GOOD – it’s the ONLY time we get to see 2 girls dance together the WHOLE season – and we get THIS!?!? No way. Not having it. Yes – it’s light hearted and cute. But come on. I’ve seen the exact same show at Disneyland a million times.

And how many times have we seen this move this season? I believe their showing us how many times.

Mandy starts out with the compliment, “I loved the costumes!” Love it! Anytime you ever go to a friend’s show – and it’s awful – and you’re searching for something to say afterwards – you always say “Well… I loved the costumes!”

Mandy just backs out with “It was like old Hollywood – it was cute.” Chicken!!

Mary thought it was “cute” too and notes that “dancing with an umbrella can be VERY dangerous.” Really? I would have said live wombats or cranial saws but OK – umbrella it is. Mary also strives to say nice things about a very bland performance.

Nigel loved watching the the girls be girls. (Anyone notice how NONE of the judges gave Tyce the ol’ pat on the back this time around?!!? HAHAHA!!!) Nigel adds that Katee has a little something extra special over Courtney in the way that she finishes the moves. This is probably Nigel’s subtle way of saying “VOTE FOR KATEE!”

Next up – a touching sitdown with Twitch. Cat starts off by asking him where the name came from. Twitch says it was from him wanting to dance all of the time – like in school and church. And here I was hoping he’d come out with “I have a Twitch.” and stare blankly at Cat.

Twitch was also going to join the Navy at one point. He says it’s because he didn’t want a 9 to 5 job. Really? Wow. I felt the same way so I became a writer. But ummmm… military. That sounds like a blast too.

Cat asks Twitch about being paired with Kherington and what he thought of her. I SO wanted him to say:

“I’m sorry… who?” (Damn it! Why can’t I write for these people?!)

But instead he goes on about how he loved her…blah…blah. Cat asks, “How did you feel when we lost her?” WOW. I didn’t realize she died of some horrific disease – and here I thought she got voted off of a reality show.

Twitch loved the Jean-Marc Viennese Waltz he did with Kherington so we get to see that again. Can anyone say “FILLLLLLLLER!!!”??

Time for Twitch’s solo. He pulls off a kick ass hip hop routine that’s really his “A” game. Loved it. He’s poppin’ all up in the he-ouse and even started off with a running back flip. However – one problem -

Twitch you are a bad example. I thought I’d imitate you at a club 2 weeks ago and I tried to do that whole chest-popping thing. I think I sprained my sternum. It hurts when I laugh and/or breath now. Screw you Twitch.

Mandy calls him the “Little engine that could” and Mary says that he MAKES HE SPEECHLESS!!! Oh my god!!! Best thing EVER!!! Twitch please bottle whatever it is that makes her speechless so we can put it in the whole poundcake she eats every morning.

AND THEN CAME NIGEL. OMGOMGOMGOMG – I TOOOOOOTALLLY think Nigel pulls a Paula when he says “Twitch – I’m so glad I got to see you make it to the bottom 3 so I could see your solo.” BOTTOM THREE?!!?!? Hold up there Nigel!! Seems like you know something you SHOULDN’T know yet!!! WHAT!? SCANDAL SCANDAL SCANDAL!!!!! I think this is wonderfully ironic since it was Nigel who had an absolute shit fit on American Idol when Paula did the same thing!! WOW!

Moving on (although it’s difficult) – it’s time for the man vs. man routine of Joshua and Twitch. There’s a few clips showing the “hatred” between the two of them. Like when Joshua, clad in a sheer see-through shirt, spanks Twitch, who’s dressed like a flamboyant spaceman. Did Tyce choreograph this dance-fight!?

We find out that it is NOT a hip hop they’ll be dancing BUT a Russian Trepak with choreographer, Youri Nelzine. Wow! Love it! A lil’ something different.

And I’m so glad they found the Mario & Luigi of Russia to choreograph. (Luigi clearly loves being on camera.)

And I seriously laughed for 5 minutes when Youri said the words “Nutcrahker” and “Taweetch”. I played it over and over. HYSTERICAL. It could also be because it’s 4am. You decide.

The whole routine is a Russian battle between the two. Joshua’s shoes fall apart to which Twitch says he sabotaged them. I kind of thought they were kidding about this whole rivalry and then Twitch comes out with “Josh kept crying that he’s knees hurt – what a pansy!” WHAT?! YIKES. Those are fightin’ words… dance fightin’ words!

Time for the Russian dance fight. Their dance is an explosion of sorts but that’s all it really is. Yes – it’s entertaining – and clearly very difficult – but because of all of the “tricks”. I don’t feel like it really flowed very well. Althought the flip was really cool:

Twitch makes Joshua his little babushka-bitch. This Russian dance fight would usually involve rusty knives and molotov cocktails – but hey – even FOX has limits.

And it ended in a weird off-beat manner in which the camera cut off Twitch’s final move for a close-up of Josh and then Twitch ended a good 3 seconds after the music stopped.

Cat and the judges go apeshit over the routine. I guess I was a little harsh. It definitely was a really hard routine – I just wish it had more heart and soul like it could have.

Mandy asks how Twitch got screwed with all of the floor work and says Joshua should have gotten it because he’s shorter. OHHHH SNAP! He ain’t yo shawty.

Mary is just giddy about the fact that there’s two hip-hoppers in the finale and then she screams her empty little head off.

Nigel says he knew the two would be great at it because it’s street dancing – Russian-style. And he adds they will always be remembered for this dance. Geez. Did I undersell it?! Did anyone else feel like it missed a lil’ something? Maybe it’s just because I really wanted to see them do a contemporary love story… still with the molotov cocktails though.

Time for Katee’s one-on-one. OF COURSE they go over the whole “we almost uninvited her to the show” bit that happened in Vegas.

I remember Katee’s roommate being all sweet about it. I wonder if she’s at home now throwing empty beer bottles at the TV screaming, “YOU BACKSTABBING CAREER-FUCKER!!!” Probably.

Her favorite dance was “No Air” with Joshua. I have to totally agree. That was one of my top 5 favorite dances of the season.

Best part of the Katee clips:

There’s a clip of her being a “goofball” and one of the crew in the background rolls her eyes at her. Like for real. What a bitch!

They also talk about Katee’s “fun dance”. It’s not as fun to talk about as you’d think. Boresville.

Katee’s solo is up – and it’s gorgeous as expected – love the song too. My only qualm is that since this was her last solo I was kind of hoping for a little something different from her. Just something that stood out from the other solos. Like maybe new moves or… new bangs? I know, I know – I need to give up on it.

Mandy loved it and begs Katee to keep on dancing while Mary thanks her for the best dances all season. Nigel thinks all of her characters have been superb as well.

There’s a funny little moment where Katee thinks she’s “TEMPO-01″ but is actually “TEMPO-03″:

So she sucks at Math. At least we broke one stereotype this season!

After commercial, Cat tells us about the “SYTYCD” tour! Woo woo! Can’t wait! You think if I tell them who I am I can get front row seats?! I’m sure I’d have a nice little ticking care package waiting for me there.

Up next – Katee and Twitch dancing the Fox Trot. UGHH – why?!?! I hate this dance. Almost as bad as the two step. Well – if anyone can make it work, let’s hope it’s these two.

Tony and Melanie are here to save the day. I KNOW who Melanie reminds me of. “Annie” once she gets old and the “Warbucks” trust fund runs out.

It’s certainly been a hard knock life.

The hardest problem they have to face in rehearsal is the inability to see each other romantically. Which is cute – they’re the two “goofballs”. Which can only mean that behind the scenes they’re probably making little Twitchee’s. Meanwhile Katee’s most excited that she finally gets the guy in the end of this number. Thanks for ruining it! Geez.

Their Fox Trot begins and it cracks me up because it’s to Michael Buble’s “Feelin’ Good” and the last time I heard this song someone was stripping to it. (Long story) Let’s hope Katee keeps her top on.

Katee and Twitch perform their Fox Trot and it’s flawless and perfectly stunning. Being that it’s the Fox Trot it really surprised me how great it was – and how much it didn’t scream “FOX TROT”!

AND this dance has one of the best lifts this season:

Katee’s like flying bird and then she closes her legs midair. What strength! No wonder she gets the guy in the end.

Mandy loved the lift too. Ew whatever Mandy – I totally loved it first. All three judges are creaming themselves over Twitch’s debonaire looks in this number. Nigel asks him to “audition” with a “Bond… James Bond” and he does so – very well as a matter of fact. It makes sense really: Sean Connery…Timothy Dalton…Daniel Craig…and Twitch. Yup.

Mary (who looks like she just reapplied too much lipstick) calls Twitch “one cool gentleman”.

Is that supposed to be a crack about how sweaty the poor guy is right now?!

And Mary screams “BRAVO!” at Katee so loud that Katee actually looks afraid.

Nigel compliments Katee and Twitch on being able to do every single dance with incredible abilities and says they have spoiled the choreographers. You hear that choreographers?! LAZY! I want to see Mia get up there and smack the crap out of Nigel.

Next up – Joshua’s couch-talk with Cat.

Joshua tells us that he used to do “chores” around the dance studio to “pay” for lessons. Well… I guess they’re using the “casting couch” for a symbolic reason.

One of my fav clips is from Vegas…

Where we see Joshua totally showing up some blonde chick. You know the girl was thinking, “Oh! The judges just gave a “WOW!” face – they must really love me! I’m gonna make it! I’m gonna— wait… did that fucker just do a back flip behind me?! Shit.”

Joshua tells Cat he’s not a crier. To which she replies “You are the biggest blubberer on the show!” And then she totally mocks him!! HAHAHAHA! Looooove her.

Joshua’s fav routine was the Samba that he did with Katee. I just think he loved all the attention his ass got that night. (Sigh) I would’ve too.

Time for his solo – and it’s entertaining, sharp and smooooth. It’s very apparent he’s out for blood. He hippity-hops his way over to the judge’s table and breaks it out there. Which is dangerous without security. I mean – Mary is RIGHT there.

I love his subtlety most. Apparently we’re suppose to smell our own shoes right after the show. I guess I’ll do that while I vote for Katee.

Mandy loved that Josh had the balls to jump up on the stage and dance near Nigel. Oh. She knows something the rest of us don’t know. Whatever it is I hope it makes Mary’s right-side break out into a rash.

Mary tells Joshua that she put him on the hot tamale train the first week and she’s never taken him off. Dear God Joshua! JUMP! JUMP! You have no idea where that train’s final stop is! And I’m guessing it has to do with Mary’s vibrating bed and roofie-infused vodka! JUUUMP!

Nigel tells Joshua that he has set the standard for all future non-trained dancers. Awww – forever and ever kids will be saying, “Fucking Joshua – he’s soooo perfect.”

Up next – Courtney and Joshua dancing the Jive under Jason from down undah. It’s an extremely upbeat, energetic and difficult. I seriously don’t understand how the hell they do it. HOWEVER, most importantly…

WHO IS JASON’S HOTTIE DANCE ASSISTANT AND WHY ISN’T HE ON THIS SHOW?!?! I’m just saying. It’s probably a good idea. (Ahem)

Joshua and Courtney perform their Jive and at first I’m so-so about it but the it really takes off after a bit. In no time Josh starts throwing Courtney around like a rag doll AND his footwork is FLAWLESS. It seriously reminded me of Gene Kelly or Fred Astaire at one point – he had that moment where it just looked effortless and he was only enjoying himself. The whole dance was FANTASTIC.

Personally, I enjoyed this moment myself:

Joshua just flings Courtney’s body to the stage. “Aaaannd done with you – (BAM!) – time for my big finish!”

Mandy loves the footwork and when Courtney flew between Josh’s legs. Mary says that the Jive is one of the most difficult dances in the world and bows down to them.

And then came Nigel – he’s dropping the bombs tonight left and right! He says he was disappointed in the dance! It didn’t have this, that and the other thing. He acknowledges that they’re tired, and after the audience boos him, he says that he just wants them to learn. I swear if I was on stage I would’ve grabbed the mic and been like “I’m sorry – I’m up here bouncing my ass around like a fucking monkey on speed and I’m making you a shit ton of money – and I’m getting zip – and you’re saying WHAT to me right now?!?!! FAAAHHHHH QUUUEEEEE.”

And now for the FINAL DANCE OF THE EVENING WITH ALL FOUR DANCERS!!!! And WHO is the choreographer?!?! DARE you ask!!! The great and powerful (ground starts to shake) MIIIAAAAAA!

Mia wants to enjoy themselves since “they’ve already won” (yeah yeah right) which surprises me since I’m looking forward to a Mia routine that isn’t depressing for once.

The dancers work their ass off. And I can see why…

Don’t look straight into her eyes!!! AHHHHHH!!!!!! (PS – This is the first and hopefully last time we get a shot of Mia’s rack. Yeesh.)

And here it is – the moment we’ve all been waiting for – the final four!!!

Why Mia has them run around the stage with her skirt is beyond me – but it looks beautiful!

I also enjoyed what looked like a rousing game of “Pass the Seizure”through the “Dance Clan”!

It was ok – and I liked it – didn’t LOVE it – but it was good. I just feel that these poor kids are FRIGGIN’ EXHAUSTED and there’s no way they should be doing so many dances like this in one evening in such a short span of time. It shows – they weren’t completely synchronized, etc. I can’t imagine how they pull off what they do. I would’ve had seizures “4 real” about halfway through.

Mandy looooved it and thought it was magic! And Mary says it was clear that Mia didn’t hold back. She thought Twitch was a standout in the act. (Although I feel that could also be because the camera was on him most of the time. Treachery!) However she says Courtney got trumped by Katee. Shit! Let’s have it out!

Nigel takes a turn for the positive and says that the two boys deserve to be here EVEN over Will. DUN DUN DUUUUNNNNN!!!!! WHAT?!? Wow – Debbie Allen should be storming the stage with a shiv any moment now. (Speaking of – wasn’t she suppose to return as a judge if Will got the boot?!)

Nigel then goes on to say that if people were paying to see that performance – no one would’ve complained. Well… I would’ve been upset that I paid good money to sit in the splash zone with all that sweat flying around – but yeah – I would’ve been happy. Except if I got stuck next to Mia. You just know she’d eat all of your concessions.

AND THAT BRINGS US TO THE FINISH!!!! HOOOORRAAAAAAY! And what do we have to look forward to for tomorrow Cat?!? The Jonas Brothers?!?! OH JUST FRIGGIN’ KILL ME. Well… at least that’s an easy 5 minutes of show time to destroy and ridicule.

What did everyone think!?? Who’s it gonna be?!? What were the high’s and low’s?! Thoughts on the “couch-side chats”?!! Were the judges judging or just blowing smoke all night?! Let me hear ya! And DISH IT!!!