So You Think You Can Dance: The Good, The Bad and the Crazy

Holla Gasmi! Dust off those tap shoes, pull that bunched-up leotard out of your ass, and keep your becdazzler handy. It’s time for season five of So You Think You Can Dance (dance……..dance)!

My giney just got all tingly. 

We start over a montage of auditions that we’ll see again over the next three shows. Cat tells us to make it through these auditions you’re gonna need personality, charisma and talent. In the end, only one person can become America’s favorite dancer. For the fifth time.

I’ve always like that they say America’s favorite dancer, not the best dancer. Because we all know what happens when deciding who’s the best is left up to America.

I voted for Benji! 

This year we start auditions in New York. Well, Brooklyn. What’s the deal with Brooklyn being all over reality TV this year? Cat’s always so cute hanging out with the dancers in line. 

Let’s get this party started! For the Brooklyn auditions Nigel and Mary will be joined by Tabitha and Napoleon. Who names their kid Napoleon? I bet he got the crap kicked out of him in school. But I like their work as choreographers. They gave us my favorite dance of the season last year.

LOVE! 

Cat tells us how the auditions will work. I think we all know by now, but in case we have any newbies, here goes……the ones the judges love will get a plane ticket to Vegas, the ones they think are good but maybe not good enough (mostly hip hop and ballroom dancers) will go to the choreography round, and the crazies will get kicked to the curb. There will also be some that are told to go back home, train more and come back again. Of those, there’s usually a couple that I really hope do just that.

Up first is Gabi Rojas. She was born and raised in the circus, and she has rheumatoid arthritis. WOW. And I was just complaining about having to get my fat ass off the couch to get more food to shove into my face. Thanks for making me feel like crap, Gabi!

Nobody forced you to shove your face full of Twinkies 

That was harsh, Gabi. Lucky for her she is an awesome dancer, otherwise I would have to haul myself up again and go kick her ass. Seriously? She is great. Sob story aside, I knew as soon as she started dancing that she was going straight through to Vegas. My only concern for her is whether or not she will be able to handle the grueling schedule given her arthritis. I’m definitely routing for her.

One thing that tends to irritate me on this show is how much they cut to the judges’ reactions. I don’t want to see Nigel or Mary’s face any more than I have to. Please stop doing that and show more dancing. What I do like is that you can sometimes hear them saying “Oh!” and “Nice!” 

The judges give her a standing ovation. Nigel tells her he’ll be shocked if she doesn’t make it into the top twenty, and it’s the best audition he’s seen in five years. Mary only has one thing to say.

And of course, she’s through to Vegas. Told ya!

Next up are a couple of guys who look like they got into their mommies’ rancid old make-up. They call themselves Storyboard-P and Hobgoblin, and they’ve come to share with us their new genre of Mutation. Dude, I hate to break it to you, but mutation is not a new genre.

I think I just gave myself the vapors. Yowza! Okay, sorry, back to dance. I think that when these guys start, the judges are thinking they’re going to be a joke. I did too. But then they start doing their thing, and they’re pretty good. My complaint, if it is one, is that I’ve already seen this on ABDC. Those guys called it bone-crunching, but it was basically the same idea, and done better.

Nigel thinks that they’re weird. He thinks they’d be perfect if there is ever a musical version of Dawn of the Dead. You guys? Nigel might be brilliant. I would LOVE to see that shit on Broadway. A zombie musical? Yes please! The judges all think it was cool, but the overall question is can they pick up choreography and actually dance? We shall see because Nigel moves them forward to the choreography round. 

And now it’s time for a little crazy. Crazy Kate, that is. Kate claims to be twenty-six years old. Crazy Kate is called Crazy Kate because she is crazy about dancing.

Yeah, that’s totally why. 

Obviously they’re not putting her through. I do like that Napoleon tells her to keep having fun dancing. That was sweet.  Crazy Kate is disappointed, but never fear! She’s got great plans for her life. She’s gonna head on home to New Hampshire and run a Lego competition. 

Moving along…..the next dancer we get to meet is Peter Sabasino from Philly. I’m ignoring the lame ass Rocky shit. Since we get to meet his typical Italian family, I think it’s a safe bet that he’ll be moving on. Awwwww look! The typical Italian family is eating spaghetti. Because that’s what you do when you’re Italian. Peter says he was going to audition last year, but he chickened out. 

I’m glad he decided to audition this year because he is really good y’all. He’s got nice clean sounds, and some good moves in there. It’s no easy feat to make sure each tap is a separate and distinct sound. I’ll say it again. He is really good. 

The outfit on the other hand….. 

Nigel thought he was tremendous and wants to know what else he does. Everything, apparently. Mary liked him as well, although she wishes he wouldn’t dress so weird. I wish she would shut up, but I’m not getting my wish, why should she get hers? Tabitha says she thought he was great and can’t wait to see more. Nigel decides he’s going straight through to Vegas. Woohoo! I got the feeling that Tabitha wanted to say that but was afraid of stepping on Nigel’s toes.

Now it’s time for the inspirational part of the show. We meet Tiffany Geigel who has spinal thoracic dysplasia which has caused her body to look like it’s squashed, for lack of a better word. She tells us that the doctors didn’t expect her to live. They basically told her parents to take her home and enjoy her, because she wouldn’t be around for long. I cannot even imagine. Obviously the doctors didn’t know what the fuck they were talking about, because she’s now twenty-three years old. 

Tiffany says that people always assume she can’t do anything and don’t believe her when she says she’s a dancer. And she talks about how much it hurts when people laugh at and ridicule her. Shit. She is seriously making me tear up here. She talks about how her mom was always pushing her, and didn’t let her say she couldn’t do something, and I think I might love her mom. And her.

And then she takes the stage. And she can dance.  She’s obviously limited by what her body is physically able to do, and she’s not going to make it through, but she CAN dance. 

Nigel says he’s not going to pretend it will be easy to critique her. He asks about her condition, and she’s gives him an explanation. He gives her some critique about her extension and arms, and then commends her on her bravery for coming on a show like this, and for pushing her body to do the things she’s done. He thinks that anyone who sits around on their asses moaning about all the things they can’t do should look to her for inspiration. But she’s not right for the competition. Tiffany says she just wanted to make a point that there are people that look different, but they can still dance. Point made, Tiffany.

Okay. Enough of this sappy shit. PLEASE give me someone I can make fun of without going straight to Hell. 

Thank you! 

Meet Maksim Kapitannikov. He’s a ballroom dancer. DURRRRR. He will be dancing a cha-cha with a little help from Faina from season 3. I wasn’t a big fan of hers then, and don’t really give two shits about her now. What I’m more concerned about is that Maksim’s shirt is too small for him. Every time he does a roll, or raises his arms the shirt rises up to expose his belly. It is not a belly I want to see. 

Why are so many ballroom guys so smarmy? I’m left feeling like I need to take a shower. He’s not a bad dancer, but he gives me the yucks, so I’m hoping he doesn’t make it through. He gets sent through to the choreography. Hopefully he’ll change his shirt.

We now hurry through a montage of some really good dancers, and see some of them getting their tickets to Vegas. I wish they would show us more of these people in these early rounds.

As the day winds down, we meet Nobuya Nagahama. He does hip hop, voguing, locking, tap, ballet, funk jazz and breaking. But he’s not good at breaking, he tells us. I immediately think he’s going to be a joke.

Any questions? 

I guess he’s doing a sort of jokey locking dance, but I’m not enjoying it as much as the judges. He does a lot of the same things over and over, and I don’t get them creaming themselves over this guy. Mary really seems to find him just so adorable. Meh. The kid can move and he’s got personality for days, but I’d rather have seen someone else’s routine. Nigel liked what he did but fears he won’t be able to do much else. Nobuya says he can do other stuff, but he doesn’t like it. They move him forward to the choreography round.

In total forty-seven dancers were put through to the choreography. Oh Christ. Lauren is doing the choreography round. She’s is not my favorite that they’ve ever had on this show, and I still think she made it into the top twenty because she was Tyce’s assistant.

Go away please.

She’s created a challenging amalgam of hip hop, jazz, some technique (WHAT?), and some ballroom. It’s challenging because it’s season 5. Or because she relishes being a bitch. Either/or.

The dancers have thirty minutes to get the routine down before they will have to perform it for the judges. Remember Mutation? They take a look at Lauren’s dance and the other dancers and decide to bow out. They say they appreciate the experience and it was cool. I say they are Quitters!!! At least TRY.   Both Maksim and Nobuya get put through. I don’t think they’ll make the cut in Vegas, though. With that, day one of the auditions is over. 

On to day two in Brooklyn.  Yikes!  Cat apparently both found and killed a yeti.

Don’t fuck with me fellas! 

First up today is Arielle Taylor. She auditioned a couple of years ago and made it to Vegas, but she says she wasn’t ready. She was still in high school and still growing as a dancer. But she’s ready now! Nigel seems to remember her. I always wonder whether or not they really remember people, or if it’s all there in their handy dandy notebook. She’s good.

It’s a no-brainer that she gets through. Arielle is so excited that she says she can’t form a sentence. “Thank you judges! I love you guys!” That’s two right there, Arielle. And then. We go back to the loony bin. Meet Thomas Martin and Amanda Clark. They will be performing a bolero for your viewing pleasure. 

Is bolero Spanish for “Please fuck me in the ass”? 

For those of you equally unfamiliar with the bolero style, Thomas tells us it’s like the rhumba, but slower and with rise and fall. It’s about emotion, connection and being at one with each other. I just know they’re going to be incredible because when Thomas was younger he was the six time NATIONAL men’s baton twirling champion. The obvious progression from there is dancing. I am so excited to see what he does!

Please keep your foreplay off my TV. I have a kid for Chrissake! 

They are just as bad as you knew they’d be. Amanda can barely keep her balance standing upright on both feet. They are totally one of those joke auditions where people are just hoping to get their ugly mugs on TV. Bleh. Nigel doesn’t know what to say. It was ungainly. Mary says it was just basic basic basic novice, beginning, bronze level dancing. It’s a no. And with that, we get our montage of crappy dancers ending with this guy. 

It’s a revolutionary new genre called “rolling around on the floor”. Mia LOVES it! 

It’s up to ballroom dancers Igor Zabrodin and Nina Estrina to put us back on the right track. They will be dancing a cha-cha. They’re good. In one part of their dance, they do a pot-stir that lasts for days and gets progressively faster and faster and faster. Unsurprisingly, Nina is unable to talk after being spun that long and quickly. I think her brain may have been liquefied.

Nigel thinks they could put wet clothes on her and spin them dry. He thinks they’re tremendous. Mary thinks it’s the longest pot-stir she’s ever seen. Nigel points out that she was spotting the entire time, which is pretty impressive given the speed at which she was turning. They’re asked to stick around for choreography.

Next up is Kellen Stancil. And his giant umbrella. Isn’t it bad luck to open an umbrella inside? You know, he’s not bad, but he sort of gets on my nerves. He’s got good technique and the choreography is decent. But something is grating. I’m trying to put my finger on what it is, but I can’t. I guess there’s no reason for it, but somehow I have formed an immediate dislike for the kid.

Maybe it’s the umbrellastache.

Mary wants to know what the umbrella represents to him. He didn’t expect that question and gets emotional. He says he just lost his aunt recently, and she loved watching him dance. I’m sorry, but how does that translate to umbrella? Wouldn’t something like binoculars or glasses represent that better? Kellen further explains that an umbrella covers you and holds you (how does it hold you exactly?), and even though his aunt isn’t physically here, he knows she’s hovering over him. Ummmm…..does anyone else find that to be just a little creepy? 

I found your bones and buried them! What more do you want from me? 

They all love him, and he gets a ticket to Vegas. Yay! He can continue to annoy me! Maybe I’ll figure out why. Or maybe I’ll ignore him every time he’s on my TV. 

There’s one dancer left to go. His name is Chimezie Nwosu, pronounced Chim-eh-zay, not Chim-ee-zee or Easy Peasy Lemon Squeezy. Oh, this guy gets really annoyed when people mispronounce his name. So of course Nigel does just that. He’s doing a hip hop number and he’s pretty good, but not great. He’s certainly no Twitch. He’s sloppy in some areas of his dance, but the audition is fun and I’m sure they’ll at least put him through to the choreography round.

Even after he corrected Nigel, Nigel still calls him Chim-ee-zee. That’s annoying. Nigel loved the choreography, and thought it was very inventive. Mary says she had a smile on her face from beginning to end. Naploeon says for him there wasn’t a lot of meat in the choreography, but he did love the performance. Tabitha says he made smart choices, whatever that means. He’s moving on to choreography.

In the choreography round Ivan does well and moves on. Without his partner Nina. Also going to Vegas? Chim-ee-zee. He’s so excited that he doesn’t bother to correct Nigel again. And then he jumps down an entire flight of stairs. That was really cute. And that’s the end of day two of the auditions.

Holy Shit, y’all. We still have another two days to go in this episode. Let’s head out west to Denver. This time Nigel and Mary will be joined by Sonya Tayeh. Oh, I liked her choreography last year! Before they start for the day, Nigel gives the auditioners a little pep talk.

Don’t Suck! 

First up is Kayla Ridonkulous. Sorry, Radomski. Her father left when she was a baby, so she lives with her mom and grandparents. Her grandpa is super cute. He worked the night shift, and then took her to dance classes. “I slept a lot in the chairs at the dance studio.” Say it with me now. Aaaawwwwwwwwww. 

She’s really good. The only complaint I have is the song. I LOVE “Blackbird”. It’s one of my all time favorite songs. But I absolutely hate this version. I still love her dance; just wish she’d chosen a different version of the song. Nigel says she brought it. He can’t think of anything he didn’t like about it. Mary agrees. Sonya says it was hot. Smoking hot. And then Sonya loses me. “Slick and s-s-slippery, you know?” Ummm, okay Sonya, whatever you say. Kayla goes straight through to Vegas, natch. And then her grandpa is cute some more and cries. 

I’ve barely slept in eighteen years!  

Up next we get another montage of good dancers but this time it’s interspersed with Sonya’s comments. She’s like a mini Mia. She tells one girl that this is what she looks for when she thinks about having children. I don’t want to know. She wants to throw daisies and sunflowers at another dancer. I want to know what she’s on because I would like some too. 

I’ll have what she’s having 

She’s even attracting the attention of the local giant wildlife.

Now that Sonya’s done having multiple orgasms, we move on to the next ballroom couple, Misha Belfer and Mitch Kibel. Misha claims that he is twenty-six. I do not believe him. They do same sex ballroom dancing. Mitch was dancing with a female partner before, but that partnership didn’t work out, and he is looking for any opportunity to continue dancing. Misha is gay, and Mitch says he is straight.

I violate him when he is sleeping. 

Mitch says that being straight made it a little awkward at first, but he’s gotten past that. He knows that the judges will be looking for masculine dancers, and he thinks that’s going to be a strong point for them. 

They’re not horrible, but they’re not great. At one point they try to do a sort of swinging lift and end up falling on their asses. Of course Nigel gets all hung up about the fact that it’s two guys dancing instead of just concentrating on the actual dancing. He says it was a bit like watching Blades of Glory. He does say that their styles are good, but then goes on to say that he thinks they would alienate a lot of the show’s audience. Does he even know who watches this show?!? Uh, Nigel? I hate to break this to you, but your show’s audience doesn’t consist of guys named Bubba sitting at home chewing tobacco. 

I hate when he pulls this crap about masculinity and femininity in dance. “I like boys to be boys and girls to be girls.” Yes, we know, Nigel. You target someone for that very sentiment every single year. He doesn’t think he liked it. Well Duh. 

I don’t like your Andy Gibb hairdo. 

It confuses Mary that they seem to switch roles throughout the dance. She also thinks their technique needs a lot of work. She thought it would have been easier to follow if they had each stuck to a role instead of switching back and forth. Nigel doesn’t want to see two guys and think feminine at all. Sonya jumps in and talks looking at it from the female perspective, and really? I’m done with this. They weren’t that good, and we’ve already spent too much time on it. 

They get moved on to choreography because Nigel would like to see them both dance with a girl. What’s annoying is I think no matter how well they do, he won’t send them to Vegas. He’s such an asshole sometimes. And whadda ya know? They don’t make it.

Day two in Denver. Oh.  My.  God. WHY?  Why do they show this crap? We start the day with one of those people who are as idiotic as possible in order to get themselves on TV. This time it’s a girl dressed up as a cat, dancing with light sabers to the Star Wars theme song. I refuse to give her any more attention than she has already received.

I do have a question though. What the fuck is up with Mary’s outfit?

Is she auditioning for the lead in Annie Get Your Gun? 

And then it’s time for another montage of crappy “interesting” dancers, as Cat calls them. I’m too tired for this crap. Some of them fall into the previous dancer’s category of wanna be fame whores, and some fall into a sadder category. Yep. Those that probably really do think they can dance, and no one in their lives loves them enough to tell them they look like an epileptic disco ball.

Sorry Honey.

Can Elias Holloway turn it around? He’s going to be dancing with his little brother, Enoch. They’re the youngest of fourteen children. Yikes!! Enoch is not auditioning because he’s only sixteen. He’s just here to help out his brother. Because they’ve always done everything together. Including sharing a bed.

When you can’t afford separate beds for your kids, it may be time to STOP HAVING THEM!!! 

In their family you do two things. Swimming and dancing. Sorry. Dah-ncing. They’re sort of cute in a dorky and socially awkward way. Their dancing reminds me of Philip Chbeeb from last year, but not nearly as awesome as him. That’s not to say that they suck because they don’t, they’re like the white bread version of Philip. The judges enjoyed the performance and Elias moves on to choreography.

We’re getting close to the end for this round of auditions, and it’s time for some familiar faces. First up is Natalie Reid. You may remember her from last year. She’s Katie’s best friend who almost got her spot when Katie put her foot in her mouth in front of the judges saying she wouldn’t be back if she didn’t make it. Natalie is real good y’all. There is no doubt that she is going straight through to Vegas, and I’m even going to say that unless she fucks up royally, I think she’ll be in the top twenty.

The judges give her a tongue bath after her audition. Yeah. I can’t even comprehend how badly she will need to fuck up to NOT be in the top twenty. I think Sonya might have climaxed during her audition.

Oh Yeah! That’s the spot, right there.

The final audition of the day belongs to Brandon Bryant. You may also remember him from last year. He lost out on the last top twenty spot. It went to Gev instead. I don’t understand it either. Just like Natalie, I will be shocked if he doesn’t get top twenty this year. He is ca-ra-zy good.

Time for another tongue bath. Mary is actually crying. She says she has the greatest job in the whole world, and if he doesn’t make it to the top twenty this year, she will just die. Nigel hopes he brings his personality this year. What?!? He has a sweet and quiet personality. Don’t let Nigel change you Brandon!  

Stay Gold! 

Like Natalie, he goes straight through, and then we’re at the choreography round. Elias doesn’t make it through, but Mary is really sweet about it. She tells him to go get more training and then come back and audition again another year.

And that wraps it up for this week’s auditions. What did you think, Gasmi? Any standouts for you, good or bad? How do think this crop of dancers measures up to last year’s? Testify!!

Next week, two two hour shows. I just might die. I guess I’d better start drinking coffee and popping vivarin now, because I don’t see a whole lotta sleep in my future! Hope to see you there!

SWAK, PottyMouth