So You Think You Can Dance: Tappin’, Jukin’ and a Just a Little Pukin’

Holla Gasmi! Welcome to the second day of auditions for So You Think You Can Dance (dance ……… dance). Tonight we’re heading to Miami and Memphis to see what they have to offer. As usual, we’ll see too many train wreck and loons, and not near enough good auditions to satisfy me.

Don’t blink or you’ll miss him! 

The first city up is Miami. Cat tells us it’s been four years since they’ve been there, and wonders if Miami will bring the heat. I’m wondering if Miami will bring good dancers. That’s all I really care about.

Joining Nigel and Mary for the Miami auditions will be Tyce DiOrio. Cat tells us a little bit about Tyce and how he works with superstars and started on Broadway. I always find myself somewhat disappointed in Tyce. I get all excited that there’s going to be a Broadway routine, and then nine times out of ten I’m not crazy about it.

Cat runs down how the auditions work again, but I think we’re all up to speed on that by now, right? Mary asks the dancers if they’re ready to do some dancing, but I want to know when they’re going to put a mirror back in her dressing room.

Come on guys, you’ve had your fun  

First up is Alvin “Tony” Riendeau who claims he is going to bring something different. It’s called the Tony style. Great. He tells us he moves like he has no bones in his body, like a rubber band. Every time he goes on the dance floor he’s the star of the show. Uh, “Tony”? Just because people stop to point and laugh doesn’t mean you’re a star. You know who else was a star on the dance floor?

 

“Tony” tells us there is no taboo in dancing and he can be as kinky as he wants. He can also go all day long, five or six hours, no problem. We’ll see about that “Tony”. He’s dancing to “Footloose” and he sucks. Big time. Like there was any doubt about that. Nigel says the only thing he can compliment him on is getting back up when he falls down. A two year old does that too. Mary says he’s the goofy guy dancing in the background in movies. Tyce says he’ll give him props for being quirky, but it was bad. Horrifyingly bad. “Like flush ya like a public toilet bad.” HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. 

 

I don’t know what they’re talking about. Just look at those lines! 

Obviously it’s a no. But the best part happens once “Tony” walks out the doors. He’s swaying like he’s drunk, and I think he’s going down. Down, down, down. Unfortunately he stays on his feet, but someone calls for a medic, so I guess we’ll be checking in with him later. Well, the show will, but since I could give two craps about him, I’m not talking about him anymore.

Next up is Priscilla Marrero. She tells us she was raised with rice and beans. With. Not on? She is also wearing way too much makeup, and a flower in her hair.

Please wash your face 

She’s actually quite good. She has nice lines and has a great personality while dancing. I was expecting to not like her, but am pleasantly surprised.

Nigel asks how long she’s been dancing. Since she was three. But then when she was fifteen she had an injury and stopped dancing to be a normal person. But “I’m Priscilla, I’m a dancer.” Are we at a meeting for Dancer’s Anonymous? Shut up, Priscilla. Nigel enjoyed every moment of her audition. Mary finds her to be wonderful and captivating. Tyce says her audition made him happy to be a dancer. Oh Lord. She gets a ticket to Vegas. Duh.

We now meet Janette Manrara and Romulo Villaverde. They auditioned last year, and Janette made it to Vegas before getting cut while Romulo stayed home. They’re hoping that this year will be different for them. They’ve been working hard preparing for this, and Janette says hopefully now that they’ve been dancing together for a year and a half, they’ll be more in synch.  

They start their audition, and they’re good. There are a LOT of tricks in their routine. They do fumble a bit on one, but other than that, they give a solid performance. 

Nigel says they have been waiting for some spicy salsa in Miami. I think he meant to say HE has been waiting for some spicy salsa in Miami. So he can oogle the girls in their skimpy costumes. Perv. Mary says that they’re one of the first couples to hit them in the face with the performance. And then she screams. That makes my brain cry. Tyce thought they were amazing. Mary tells Nigel there’s only one thing to do, and if he doesn’t do it, she may just have to kill him. So they’re straight through to Vegas.

Cat tells us the standard for couples has been set high. So let’s lower it a little, shall we? Meet the Guadix twins, Jennifer and Jessica. They do hip hop but with their own little style.  Uh oh. Jessica is in love with lyrical dancing, but sadly it is an unrequited love. Lyrical dancing called me last night and told me it hates Jessica. Sorry Jess! Jennifer is a slut who likes all types of dancing. And Then.  They break out this gem. “When we were younger we actually learned ballet by reading books. We kind of lost it throughout the years, but we had ourselves trained.” Well, you know, all the greats have been trained by reading books. Fonteyn, Baryshnikov, Nureyev. Classes are completely unnecessary. Reading is fundaMENTAL.

 

Oh My 

Nigel says they’ve never had synchronized dancing on the show before. Mary says they still haven’t. Bah da bum. The twins decide to share with the judges that they only had one day to practice, and in fact made it up in one day. NOOOOOOOO. Ya don’t say. Nigel says, “That long?” Hee. You know, when he’s not being a prick he can be pretty funny. Mary has never seen anything like that, and Tyce thinks it was tragic. No ticket for them. Back to the books ladies!

Cat tells us that with that Tyce had reached his breaking point. Whatever, Tyce. Wah wah wah.  We begin a montage of Tyce and his “witty” commentary. He tries WAY too hard, although he does get a couple of good ones in there. “It was like, who let you out today?” was a good one, and my favorite, “It was like a milkshake full of Tylenol.”

Enter Joseph Smith. He plans to sch-wam the judges.  Someone needs to sch-wam him right upside the head. He tells Cat he made up the word, and when she asks what it means he tells her it’s like a quote and a statement. It can be bad or it can be good. It can also be a sch-wizzz-am. Barf. I wish someone would just take a whiz on him.

Annoying 

You know, he’s not awful, but I don’t like him. He’s doing a jokey sort of hip hop, but I think he irritated me so much with his stupid word that I’m just done with him. I also think he doesn’t do all that much. Nigel loves his humor and his footwork. And then he does the sch-wam thing. Please stop. Mary loves him so she gets a sch-wizz-am, and Tyce only half loves him, so Nigel tells him he gets just a Shhhhhh. Joseph gets put through to choreography and I’m hoping he gets cut because I can’t stand the whole sch-wam crap.

He and thirty one other dancers have made it to the choreography round where Lauren is still lurking.  Why?  Was Travis or ANYONE ELSE busy? And Joseph gets a ticket to Vegas. Hoorah.  Cat tells us that eighteen dancers have made it through to Vegas. And then some lame girl goes leaping down the street and almost loses her ticket. Watching her chase after it made me giggle, I must admit.

And thus ends Miami day one.

Day two dawns, and first up is Wislande Letang who has decided for some reason to wear a five year old’s shirt over a black bikini which is being worn over a gold lame bikini.  I guess it’s important to layer?

Unsurprisingly, she is terrible. Like really, really terrible. At one point she gives the judges a crotch shot, and I thought Tyce was going to barf all over Mary. Ladies, don’t scare Tyce with your kitties! Nigel goes straight over to Mary. She’s not even sure of what Wislande was doing up there, but she does think that only Nigel should critique it since it was danced to him exclusively. Nigel tells her she didn’t smile once, had no performance, and spent most of the time doing step ball change just like little girls do when they start to dance.  

Wislande knows that was garbage. RRRRRRRRRRRRRRR! WHY? Why do it then? Just to get your fucking face on TV? I am so sick of these kinds of auditions. “I know it was shit, but I’m going to subject you to it anyway in the hopes that I can get my ugly mug on TV.” Blech. So she knows it was garbage, but she also knows she can dance. What did Tyce think?

Then we get a montage of bad auditions, and I’m just glad we aren’t forced to sit through them. Hoping to turn things around is Erik “Silky” Moore. He’s a tapper who also dances hip hop. Silky talks about how there’s all these dance shows, but they never have tap on them, so he’s here to bring tap back. 

He’s dancing to “Thriller” which seems like an odd choice for a tap routine. He starts out a little rough, but once he hits his stride, he’s got something going on. This guy is good. Then he throws in the moonwalk and the worm, and he’s got me wrapped around his finger.

He’s got that gangly thing going on that some tappers have, so it’ll be interesting to see how he does in other styles. The judges love him. Mary tells him she didn’t want it to end, which is always a great compliment. Mary asks why they call him Silky. Why because he’s silky smooth o’course. Nigel asks what started him tapping, and he says his brother was doing it and getting a lot of girls, so he started doing it too.  I think he seems really sweet. He gets put right through to Vegas. 

Next up is Paris Torres, former Miss Washington. I’m immediately prepared to hate her. She’s not bad, but she’s another one I don’t like. I don’t hate her like I thought I was going to, but I guess I’m just kinda meh about her.

See? Meh. 

Of course Nigel thinks she’s fabulous, but I think he’s mixing up his words again. I think you meant to say “pretty”, Nigel. Mary thinks she has beautiful lines, feet and arms. I completely disagree with that. Her hands were driving me crazy, and I do not think she has good feet at all. Tyce thinks she’s focusing too much on her legs and feet and is leaving some of the performance behind. I think he may be onto something there.  But she’s off to Vegas as well.

And now we get a quick montage of good dancers. We see very brief clips of Henry Rivero, Megan Kinney, and Alex Wong. They all make it through to Vegas without us seeing more than a snippet of their auditions. And then it’s time for Geo Smith. Cat tells us Geo was hoping that an African dancer could join the party. I was thinking it was going to be one of the train wreck auditions. He leaps right off the stage at one point, scaring the crap outta Mary, so I immediately take a liking to him.

I don’t really know anything about African dance so I can’t judge how well he does in that, but I thought he wasn’t half bad. Nigel tells Geo that Mary thought he was going to tickle her fancy with those feathers and Mary sits there cackling like a hyena. They send him through to choreography.

Next! Oh Sweet Jesus Christ on a Cracker. I guess someone at Fox thinks that viewers enjoy people dragging out their dead relatives because here comes the female Gokey, Talia Rickards. She married her high school sweetheart and then he died in a motorcycle accident. Was he wearing a helmet? Listen, I don’t want to be mean or minimize her pain, I just don’t like it when someone tries to manipulate me into liking them because I feel sorry for them.

She reminds me of someone who’s on a cheerleading dance team. Color me unimpressed. Nigel tells her she’s got to be careful of the face pulling, comparing her to a cabbage patch doll. Wow. That’s really mean, Nigel. Cabbage patch dolls are fucking UGLY. There wasn’t enough there for him. Mary likes her fire, but says that she thought it lacked substance also. Tyce wasn’t crazy about it either. So let’s just send on through to choreography! Yeah! That makes sense. The only reason she got through was so that they can milk the sob story for all it’s worth. A-N-N-O-Y-I-N-G.

With that, we’re at the choreography round. Geo Smith gets a ticket to Vegas, as does Fokey. Pleh. And day two ends like a sour tasting burp.

Moving on to Memphis. Nigel and Mary are joined there by Lil C. Oh! I love him so much. He’s buck, y’all. First up is Marico Flake, a cop who dances a style called Memphis Jukin’. He works in the entertainment district of Memphis which I translate to mean “deals with drunken idiots all night long.” I’ve got my fingers crossed for him. Oh no need for that; he is goooood.

On a side note…..what the fuck is going on with Nigel’s hair today?!?!?

My Granny, what bitchin’ hair you have 

Back to Marico. Nigel really enjoyed the audition and compliments him on his footwork. He goes over to Lil C since he uses Jukin’ in some of his routines. Lil C says there was no fusion at all, it was just a whole solo of Memphis Jukin’, “But that’s the way it must be done.” He really enjoyed it. Mary agrees. They tell him it’s going to be a no to the choreography; he’s going straight through to Vegas!! Yay! 

Time for Dustin Dorough who tells us that his second cousin (twice removed) is Howie D of the Backstreet Boys. Like I give a crap. He thought if he learned the moves from all their videos and busted them out at parties and stuff, people would love him. Instead, he lost every friend he ever had. All one of them I’m sure. 

He’s seen the Backstreet boys in concert. Twice. And he’s met the head of security. Hahahahahahahaha. But never any of the guys. 

He’s a giant dufus 

Nigel thinks he’s being a little delusional thinking that what he was doing was hip hop. “I think the hip hop community might have been insulted.” Dustin immediately backpedals and says it’s mostly from his experience in martial arts, gymnastics “and stuff”, and he’s done some breaking. Wha? But he just got over the flu and bronchitis, so he had to cut out most of his power moves. In fact, he’s not fully recovered, and almost didn’t come. I wish he hadn’t.

Nigel asks if on a running jump he could jump across the void and kick someone in the face. “Oh yeah, definitely. All three of you at the same time.” But seriously Dustin, it just wasn’t strong enough. But Nigel, did you know that five days ago he couldn’t even walk up stairs? That’s how weak he was. Sadly, his audition was even weaker than that excuse. Let’s just skip over the rest of this because you and I know he is not going anywhere but to the local pharmacy to refill his prescription.

Next we’ve got Chris Carrozza, jackass extraordinaire. He’s doing his own style of dance that he calls Electric which he says combines a minimal amount of breakdancing, a large amount of popping and locking, a lot of fluid movement, cheerleader to the music, styles of symmetry and performance art. Okay. So let me get this straight. You’re going to wave your arms around in the air like you just don’t care while twirling on your head with pom poms and peeing your pants? Sounds like a winner to me!

Every time he sees a new type of ethnicity style it just sort of ends up dropped in the mix. And then it comes out on the dance floor. You know what? Words fail me. 

Twat Wad 

Nigel tells him it was very Euro-Pop rave party. Yep. It doesn’t really show if he can actually dance. Chris is fine with that. Mary wants to know what he was expecting here today. I think I can answer that. He was expecting to get his douchelick self on TV, and look at that. He succeeded. He goes to leave before Lil C can say anything to him, and Nigel calls him back to tell him he’s rude. He thinks Nigel’s rude. How so? Well by being very critical, of course. Ooooh, shut up and get off of my TV.

Cat thinks things could have gone better if Chris had seen the So You Think You Can Dance Guide to a Good Audition. Rule Number One: Always start with your best moves. (Followed by clips of people falling down) Rule Number Two: Dress to Impress. (Lame outfits) Rule Number Three: Connect with the judges. (More stupid ass people) And Rule Number Four: Always follow directions. (Followed by people not following directions. Except for one guy who ends up falling off the stage)

I have something better for you: How To Tell an Audition is Going To Suck Monkey Balls. Rule Number One: You are doing a style you made up yourself. Rule Number Two: You are going to show the judges something they’ve never seen before. Rule Number Three: You have given yourself a nickname because you have no friends. Rule Number Four: You are a fucking wack job. Look out for these signs; beware of what they foretell.

Time for Caitlin Kinney. Her sister Megan auditioned in Miami and made it through to Vegas. We did not see her audition; she was part of one of the montages. Maybe they thought it unfair to show both? I like Caitlin. My only real complaint is that she has too much acro in her routine, but that’s a pet peeve of mine. Other than that, she’s lovely.

Although the upside down split is pretty impressive even for someone that isn’t crazy about the acro. 

We find out that she was a gymnast before she was a dancer, and has been training in classical ballet only for the last five years. But I wonder what she did before that? Nigel says the camera loves her, and he wonders if America will. She hopes so. Awww, she seems really sweet. She’s also had hip reconstruction surgery. Holy Crap! Mary thinks this is her destiny, and Lil C had chills. Obviously she is going straight through to Vegas. I think I’d actually like to see her in the top twenty. 

Cat tells us that after the choreography round, six more dancers are going through. Wait! Isn’t that the twins from last year? I forget their names. Antwain & Anthony?

Right? 

We start off day two in Memphis with another Fokey. Anna Dunn’s father killed himself about a year ago. She says dancing is her outlet because she can’t really talk much about it to people. Anna. There’s a person operating that camera you’re talking to. Listen, I’m not heartless. I feel sorry for her, I do. Especially when they show us pictures of her and her dad with them both looking happy. I’ve just had all I can take of rolling out the dead relatives on TV. 

I’m sort of torn about her. She’s not bad, but I’m not really digging her. I think it’s all the rolling around on the floor and circling of her head. She’s not really doing too much, you know? Nigel says she is over-choreographed, and he didn’t like all the head whipping about. Mary concurs. Lil C can relate to her situation because his dad took his life also. He says even though it hurts, you have to connect with that pain. By connecting with it, you will help to ease it. I love Lil C. They decide to send her through to choreography, but I’m sure with that sob story she’ll make it through to Vegas. 

We move on now to Travis Prokop. His dad is a football coach in a town where football is huge. I wonder what the team’s name is? I’m going to go with The Wolverines.

Sorry. I just can’t help myself. Anyway. His dad says he’s never been disappointed that Travis didn’t play football because he’s happy doing what he does. Awwww. His dad is awesome you guys. Travis says he got teased a lot in high school and his dad talks about how hard it is and how you want to protect your kid. He talks about what it’s like when your kid comes home crying because people are making fun of him, and Travis says he’s blessed to have a dad like that. Yeah you are.

He’s pretty good although he seems a little sloppy. Nigel mentions that he’s really tall, so that may be why he’s looking sloppy to me. He’d like Travis to do some strength training because when you’re that big you can’t really get away with anything. Mary agrees. I know, I know,  it’s so rare that she agrees with what Nigel is saying. Lil C says that Travis is graceful for his height. “You’re graceful like a giraffe, but you have the strength of a hamster.” Hee. Nigel gives a shout out to his dad for being supportive of a son who wanted to dance, and they advance him to the choreography. 

Cat does a little bit about family support and then segues it into brothers Evan and Ryan Kasprzak. Evan auditioned last year, and made it to the top forty before getting cut. I really like him. A lot. Evan will be doing a Gene Kelly style dance, while Ryan will be doing an a cappella tap routine with accompaniment by a whoopie cushion. Oh. I guess I’m looking forward to it?

Ryan does choreography and in fact has done some for Evan. And then he says to Evan, “My whole life I’ve been waiting for you to grow up so that we could be best friends.” You guys? I have to admit that one made me tear up. I’m a sucker, I know. I can’t help it.

 

Adorable 

Evan’s audition is first. I said it before, I really love this guy’s dancing. He is so much like Gene Kelly, it’s ridiculous. He’s got the style down, but even more than that, he makes it all look so effortless. LOVE.

Love Love Love Love Love 

Nigel says he was absolutely superb, and talks about how beautifully constructed the routine was. Mary is so happy that he came back again this year. Me too. She’s worried that if he had to fight for his life people wouldn’t realize how fabulous he is. I can’t argue with her there; I do think the fact that he makes it look so easy could hurt him. Nigel’s worried about if he gets a tall girl to partner with that it could like really awkward. Well then don’t put him with a tall girl!!! Jeesh! Lil C thinks he’s fabulous. With that he’s on to Vegas.

Before we get to Evan’s brother Ryan, we’re going to get another set of siblings. This time it’s twins Lauren and Lydia Guerra. They do the usual twin babble about how they talk in unison and have twin telepathy. They’re dancing together. Because together they are unstoppable.  I think I just threw up a little in my mouth. 

They’re okay, I guess. They don’t wow me at all. Maybe I’d like each of them a little more if they hadn’t danced together. I think they’re pulling each other down instead of helping each other. They get three yeses for choreography.

Let’s see how Evan’s brother Ryan does. I have to admit, the whole whoopie cushion thing worries me a bit. My fears are unfounded however because this guy is ridonkulous. His sounds are so freaking clean and clear. He has great personality, and the inclusion of the whoopie cushion ends up being all shades of awesome instead of the train wreck I had feared. I am loving this audition. 

Nigel says it was an excellent performance, a lot of fun. He loves tap when you can hear the rhythm as opposed to just a lot of shuffling. I couldn’t agreement more Nigel. I love it when tappers have crisp clean sounds. Mary thought it was clever and fun, pure entertainment. She says she was smiling and giggling the entire time. And that’s what it is. He made me grin through his entire dance. Lil C thought it was amazing and gives him props for the use of his prop. Delightful.

Nigel wants to see him do the choreography, whereas Mary would like to send him straight through to Vegas. Lil C sides with Mary, so he is going to Vegas with his little brother! Yipee! 

We’ve reached the choreography round. The first twin, Lauren goes through. So does the other Fokey and Football Travis. Oh and the other twin goes through but only after Nigel tortures her by making her think she didn’t make it.

And that’s a wrap for the second round of auditions. Who were your favorites? Who could you have done without? I’m working on the next night of auditions and hope to have it up soon. And by soon I mean not before tomorrow. Until then…….

SWAK, PottyMouth