So You Think You Can Dance: Adam’s Awesome and Mia Cut Her Hair With a Lawnmower

Holla Gasmi! Wow, it’s been a while, huh? I’ve missed you. So! Tonight is the last round of auditions for this season of So You Think You Can Dance (dance……dance)! I’m going to be honest here, I am fucking tired y’all. This evening we’re going to have some phenomenal moments, Adam being cute as a button, a bunch of nutters, and this:

It’s so nice to see her supporting blind hairdressers 

Tonight we’ll be traveling to L.A. and Seattle. L.A. is up first. This time Nigel and Mary are joined by Adam Shankman. I like Adam; his enthusiasm is always so infectious. Also in the theater are some of last year’s top twenty, including Joshua and Katee.  

Up first in tonight’s show is Bianca Revels. She’s a tapper who just missed making the top twenty last year. I love that all these people are coming back this year! The good ones I mean. Bianca says she was devastated last year when she didn’t make it, but she’s not a quitter, so she’s back. And her mom flew in to support her. Say it with me now…..Awwwwwwww. I already know she’s gonna be good because I remember her from last year. She doesn’t disappoint.

Nigel says she’s just demonstrated everything he could ever wish to say to people who are tap dancing. For him, she is the consummate tap dancer. Mary thinks she is the best female tapper they have ever had on the show. Adam thinks she’s a monster up there, but in a totally good way. She’s going straight through to Vegas. Wow, what’s that? Like four tappers we’ve seem go through? I love it.

What I don’t love is the next pair of dancers. They are brother and sister Brynelle and Xavier Blanton, and they are creeping me out big time. They’re always going places together, and always holding hands. They seem to find it amusing that people think they’re a couple.

Incest is awesome!  

Xavier tells us he loves his sister. Yeah, I can see that Xavier. And it’s making me feel all icky inside. He thinks they’ll both get through to Vegas because they’re offering something new. Xavier, I hate to break this to you, but incest has been around for a long long loooooong time. They talk about what they’ll do if one of them makes it to Vegas but not the other, but I’ve tuned them out because I know there’s no way in hell they are going through.

Any questions? 

They are beyond fucking awful. Stumbling around, flailing about. Awful. Nigel thought it was very very strange. Mary tells them that being childlike and goofy can work as long as it’s layered on top of technique which this was not. Nigel asks about their training, and Xavier says he danced at the West Side School of Ballet, but the real issue is that he was so full of emotion (translation: he had a hard on), he couldn’t really move. Gross. He’s fine if he goes home because this competition has brought him and his sister closer together. How much closer could they fucking get?!?

Nigel moves on to Brynelle who tells Nigel she has been dancing since she was four. But were you taking lessons, or just dancing with your creepy brother in the basement? Nigel says she’s still dancing like she’s four. It’s a no from all of them, so off they go into the sunset to do whatever it is they do behind closed doors. Buh-Bye!

As we head into a commercial, Cat gives us a run down of what’s coming up.  Ummm. I think my head just exploded. This show is going to seriously piss me off tonight. Wanna know why? 

WHY? 

Back from commercials, we go to Debra Lawson. I honestly can’t tell if she’s serious or just wants to be on TV. Whatever she is, it’s not good.

Would someone please get me a cheeseburger?  

Nigel says she has to take movements and lines that suit her and her shape, not try to dance the way a taller, thinner person would. But it sounds like she has a bigger issue. An issue with her religion. I don’t even know what she’s trying to say here. She’s talking about Judaism and performing on the Sabbath and how she might have to perform in front of men, which is not allowed. BUT SHE JUST DID THAT!!! Then she says that that’s the extreme orthodox version and she needs to decide if that’s the way she wants to go. I want to believe she’s for real and not just trying to get more face time on TV, but the cynic in me wants to jump right to calling bullshit on this.

Mary hopes she keeps dancing because she loves it. But she doesn’t see a professional career, nor is she right for the competition. Adam says he never feels as close to God as when he is dancing. “I would never ask you to give that up. God doesn’t make mistakes, God made you a dancer. It’s not a mistake. It may not be your profession, but if it is your passion, continue.” And that’s just one of the reasons why I like Adam so much. I hope she was sincere and not just making shit up to get on TV.

Crapola. Just when I start to get a little feel good feeling going, they have to yank it away. Enter Suzanne Fernandez. She’s twitching around and generally looking like she’s ready to take a dump on the stage. Apparently she was performing a fairy medicine dance. Do fairies love poo? When Nigel asks her what exactly a fairy medicine dance is, she tells him “You just saw it.”

It’s field trip day for the loons 

Nigel and I are on the same wavelength. He wants to know what she’s on. “Joy”. Yeah, I’m sure.  Her fellow whackos want to perform as well, so we get some sort of demented mime and a fat dude en pointe.

They’re coming to take them away haha heehee hoho….. 

Next up is Calico Sequeira. She’s thirty, so it’s her last year to audition, and she just wanted to come and show the judges what she does, the Lindy Hop. She’s dancing to “Stuff Like That There” which I love and always makes me think of Kelly Clarkson’s awesome rendition of it back in American Idol: The Neolithic Days. Anyway, Calico and her partner do a good job.  Nigel thinks it feels as if she’s part of a Lindy Hop club. He loved watching her, it made him want to dance with her himself, but she’s not right for the competition. Mary agrees. Adam says it didn’t have a presentational quality to it.

She gets a no from all three of them. Adam tells her to have a great time, and he personally would love to dance with her too. She says, “Come on up.” Don’t tempt him, Calico. Nigel says he’d love to see that, so Adam heads up on stage with her. How freaking great is that? He leads her through an impromptu routine, and it is great and a whole lotta fun. That would have made my day if I was her.

When they’re done, Adam goes to leave the stage, but Nigel tells him to please step forward to the mike, and then calls Joshua and Katee up to critique him. And somehow Lauren has plopped herself right into the middle of that too. No one give her the mike!! Katee tells Adam she really liked his charisma, but wants to know how much he wants this. He wants it bad. “For the last ten minutes, I’ve been wanting it bad.” Joshua’s turn. He starts to give a Nigel sort of speech, explaining what this show is about, and Adam says to him, “I put you through. Be careful.” Adam gets a ticket to Vegas!! And then Adam freaks out and jumps around like one of the contestants. That was cute.

Okay. Enough fun. Let’s get back to business. Up now are Ricky Sun and Asuka (pronounced Osca) Kondoh who will be dancing international Latin ballroom. Asuka says that people don’t usually think of Asians when they think of Latin dance, but she likes that because it makes them stand out. Last year she made it to the final round then got cut, this year the goal is to make top twenty. Anything to add Ricky?

What she said 

The judges remember her, and Nigel tells her to try and look sexy if she can. Shut up Nigel. They spend a little too long in set up, just standing there swaying hips, but once they get started they are good. I love that they haven’t loaded their routine with just a bunch of tricks (in fact, they have none), this way you really get to see their footwork and actual dancing.

Nigel thinks that Ricky has a really really tough job because Asuka steals the limelight the minute she walks out on the stage. That said, he thinks Ricky is excellent and held his own.  He tells Asuka she is stunning; the minute she walks out his head turns (and his little head points North). Mary thinks they were breathtaking. Adam says Ricky’s gonna want to push her down a flight of stairs if she keeps stealing the spotlight. Haha – shout out to Showgirls! He’s going to have to assume Ricky was good because he couldn’t take his eyes off Asuka. And of course they both go right through to Vegas.

Next we get a quick montage of good dancers including the naughty ballerina. Why can’t we see more of these?  I know, I know, I’m like a broken record.

More please 

As day one winds down we are left with one dancer waiting to do his solo for the judges. Nathan Trasoras. Oh my god Gasmi, this kid is adorable. He tells us he quit dancing in eighth grade because people were continuously making fun of him. His brother told him to try one more year, and it must have stuck because here he is. I hope his brother beat the crap out of those other kids. Not only is he a good dancer, but he’s got a face the tweeny boppers are gonna love.

Adam calls him pretty damn extraordinary, and pretty beepin impressive. Mary is gonna second that. She thinks he did everything that they ask of a dancer; he had contrast, he covered the stage, he has technique, and a great stage presence. Nigel says he has one of the best centers they’ve had on the program. (For non-dancers, center refers to the center point of balance, the better your center, the better your balance) 

Nigel asks him how old he is (as if he doesn’t already know). Nathan is seventeen which means he does not meet the eligibility requirements this season. Nigel goes on to tell him that he if doesn’t come back next year, he will search Nathan out and drag him here. And then you know Nigel is really serious about that because he gives Nathan a ticket to Vegas that says (obvious voiceover) season six, this fall (back to normal voice) to Vegas. They must have overdubbed that after they decided on a fall season. Whatever. It’s still a first for Nigel to do that and I’m really happy for the kid.

Just don’t sit on your ass in front of the TV until then! 

We skip right over the choreography round which makes me happy that I’m not being subjected to Lauren again. End of day one.

Is anyone else squeeing over Glee? 

Day two in L.A. starts with Sammy Ramirez. He was a wrestler and in his freshman year he met a guy named Junior Segali (sp?) who taught him how to dance. Junior taught him for one month before returning to gang life and ending up in prison. Sammy says Junior sparked his fire and passion for dance and he hopes wherever Junior is that he gets to see all of this. That is a heartwarming story.

Sammy takes the stage and Holy Fucking Shit Gasmi! This guy is goooood y’all. Not only can he move, but he’s a cutie pie to boot. I have to watch him again.

I really really really hope he can handle other types of dance because I would LOVE to see him make it into the top twenty group. Adam agrees with me and tells Sammy he loves him soooo much. He says, “Please tell me you know how to do other stuff.” Sammy’s taken some classes, but not to the point where he would say he is trained. Awww, he’s honest too. Adam says his fingers are sooo crossed for him. They’re hurting, they’re so crossed.  

Mary agrees (DUH) and tells him he has a face that world would just love. She talks about the ticking and how clear it was, and Adam pipes in to say he has some of the best stops he’s ever seen. Nigel says his beaming smile lights up the stage. He is so right about that. This is another kid that you just can’t help smiling while you’re watching him. Love it. He gets through to choreography. 

Of course the show can’t let us keep this glowing feeling for long, so we follow Sammy with Stacey House who is “dancing” to the Eurythmics, but in reality she’s just spazzing about. 

I think the judges are wondering if she’s one of those obnoxious get my face on TV auditions. Adam asks her if she’s had any training. She has. She lives on a farm and the school she went to is on a farm too. They put their own styles into it. People!! See what happens when you home school your kids?!? Nigel calls it a sort of milking style.

That bitch stole my moooooooves 

Adam starts off saying that if she’s watched the show, and then he’s sort of at a loss for words and ends up just saying that nothing else looks like that. She should be glad Tyce wasn’t the judge for her audition. Mary says it was all kinds of crazy for her. She doesn’t want to be mean but she doesn’t see anything to make her believe there is a dancer standing there. Sorry. Stacey goes outside and cries before moseying back to the farm for a glass of milk and some cookies.

Oh crud. We segue from Stacey into Amanda Kerby who has a sad tale to share with us all. Thankfully it’s not a dead relative story, but it stills annoys me. Don’t try to tug on my heartstrings Lythgoe! I don’t have any! So Amanda’s dad has MS. He was diagnosed when she was in second grade, and it sounds like he’s had some ups and downs with it; he says at one point he couldn’t do much at all, but he’s been symptom free for about six years now. Amanda is inspired by her dad. Her dad is inspired by her. Their family is so freaking sweet, I think I just got a fucking cavity. Great. Now I have to schedule a trip to the dentist. Thanks a lot Kerby family.

She’s a really pretty girl and a decent dancer. She’s really tall which I think is making me go back to the sloppy feeling I had from Travis yesterday. Nigel says he’s lacking something from her. He’s being grabbed by her beauty rather than by her dance. Mary thinks she has a lot going on. Adam asks her about her dad and about how his condition makes her feel. She says it makes her feel empowered. “Like, if he can do the things he does from day to day, then if I just believe in myself and persevere, I can do anything.” Adam says that is what she was dancing. She’s going to Vegas.

After a quick commercial break, we see some dancers warming up on the stage. Nigel spots Phillip Chbeeb up there. You all remember Phillip, right? He got a ticket to Vegas last year and then came down with pneumonia. They invited him back to the finale to do a popping battle with Robert Muraine, the quitter. I love Phillip, you guys. So glad to see him back again. Nigel’s glad to see him too and sends him right through to Vegas without having to audition.

Yay!! 

But we’re not done with Phillip yet because he showed up with a partner this year and will still be dancing with her. Who’s the lucky girl? Arielle Coker, a contemporary dancer who goes to school with Phillip. They had met the first week of school, but became really good friends after Arielle and her family were in a car accident. They were hit by a semi. Ummm, I’d say they were lucky to walk away from that given that she tells us it crushed their car. Arielle and her dad were okay, and released from the hospital the next day, but her mom had multiple injuries and it sounds like she was in the hospital for a while.

Phillip offered to take Arielle to the hospital, and brought her there several times a week. So sweet. She says he made her laugh when she was sad, and they bonded. So they ended up having this idea that they should compete and audition together, and her mom ended up teaching Phillip partnering from her wheelchair. In three days. See? This is how you spin a story. Or maybe it’s because I went into it already liking him. Maybe I’m just a sap. Oh, shut up you.

They do a great job of blending their styles and it’s another routine that brings a smile to my face as I’m watching. Nigel thinks Arielle must be crazy to dance with Phillip because it’s so difficult to take your eyes off of him. He thought it was a beautifully choreographed routine and he thinks she’s good because she didn’t stick out like a sore thumb. I wonder if he was even really watching her. Doesn’t sound like it, does it? Mary thinks it’s really clever and she loves that they put the two styles together. Adam says she’s a beautiful dancer and (this is really important) she’s brought out a better dancer in Phillip. True. The judges pull one of their stupid fakeouts where they tell her it’s a no to choreography and then send her straight through to Vegas. 

Time for another quick montage of good dancers but this time they all get sent to choreography instead straight to Vegas. Nigel does a reverse fakeout where he makes one girl think she’s getting a ticket to go straight through and then tells her she better work hard in the choreography round if she wants it. That was mean. And I have to admit, I laughed. What? I told you I’m mean, didn’t I?

And then it’s time for another loon. This one’s name is Kevin “Shakiro” Cormier. Why is he called Shakiro? Because he has mastered the rhythms and hip moves of Shakira. But he’s not imitating her, oh no, he has taken it and made it his own and he is going to show the judges something they have never seen before. (red flag!!) Oh. My. God. Do you remember that creepy CG dancing baby from Ally McBeal? This dude is like an even creepier version of that baby. 

They give us crotch shot after crotch shot of his gyrating hip action, and I think I’m going to hurl. I feel so violated. He obviously sucks monkey balls. But Adam tells him he loves that Kevin loves what he is doing. I would love if he would not assault my eyes any further. Cat quips that Shakiro wasn’t “hip” enough for the competition. Shakiro threatens to get some training and come back next year. Please don’t.

We’ve reached the end of the L.A. auditions; all that’s left is the choreography round. The girl Nigel faked out with a ticket doesn’t get put through making that seem even crueler. She goes out and tries to put on a good face and then ends up collapsing in a puddle of tears. Wow. Even I’m not that mean. Oh! And Sammy makes it through!! Woo!

Next and final stop – Seattle! Naturally it’s raining, so they show us a bunch of people dancing around with umbrellas. None of them irritate me the way Kellen Stancil did. Perhaps that is because they are all outside. Mia is joining Mary and Nigel for the last stop on the audition circuit. I’ll tell you what, she can be a total fruit loop, but this woman is unbelievably talented. That said, she also can turn out some over indulgent crap (ode to daddy comes to mind immediately).

Do you remember how fucking awesome this dance was? 

Up first in Seattle is Christopher Keller and his partner Julie. Only Julie isn’t auditioning, she’s just there to dance with Christopher. All it takes is one look to know they are going to be terrible. He babbles some nonsense about them challenging gender roles, and I really don’t care. I’ve tuned him out already.

Please go home 

When they’re done, Mary has caught an uncontrollable case of the giggles. You know when you’re so over tired that something completely dumb strikes you as being the funniest thing on earth? Yeah, that’s her at this moment. Nigel confirms that Julie isn’t competing, and calls her the sensible one. She wasn’t sensible enough to keep her ass at home! Let’s just leave this one by saying he doesn’t make it any further. Outside the theater Christopher thanks Julie for coming and says he hopes she wasn’t embarrassed. She’s says it’s fine. I guess she’s used to being embarrassed by him.

Next up is Nick Salzman aka Nick Nasty. Lord. He’s an aspiring tattoo artist. Umm, okay. You do know this is a dance competition right? He says he’s called Nasty not because of his hygiene as you might have thought but because of the way he moves. He does some Michael Jackson and some provacativeness. I really hope I don’t end up throwing up. I have a feeling about this y’all. 

So here’s the thing about Nastypants. He’s not horrible. He’s not great, either. Sort of mediocre I guess. But then he just stops. He runs out of gas. Mia asks what happened. He says he ran out of energy. He used to be able to go for ten hours but now he’s looking for about a power five minutes and that’s it. Nigel says he probably didn’t even do two minutes there. Nick is a total asshole you guys. He says to Nigel, “I think you’re correct and I think we both know that, but thank you for sharing that.” Jackass.

Nigel asks him what do they do with that, and he goes into the I’m just happy to be here mode. This dude has so much attitude. Ugh. I hate that so much. Even if the person is really good, when they start getting attitude and talking back, it irritates the fuck out of me. Just shut up and stand there and listen to your critique. GOD. Nigel says he doesn’t understand, and Nick wonders what there is to understand. He’s not so worried about Nigel he wants to make the two ladies happy because they’re nicer anyway. 

Nigel tells him that that is so disrespectful, and he apologizes, but it’s too late for that now. Mary tells him that he was a yes for her, but he has now talked himself into a no. Mia is with Mary on this one. She tells him if he’s disrespecting the executive producer of the show what does that say about how he’ll treat the choreographers and other dancers. Right on, Mia! Buh-Bye Nasty!

Up next is a 6’6″ b-boy named Dmitrious Bistrevsky who was really confident until he videotaped himself and watched it. Inexplicably he has chosen to go ahead and audition anyway. 

While he’s dancing Mia says to Mary that he makes her nervous. “He’s going to hurt himself.” It is not good at all. Which is a shame because he seems like a decent kid. Mary asks how long he’s been breaking. Three months. Dude. It shows. Mia says she couldn’t even enjoy it because she was scared for him and the music sounded like it was beating the shit out of him. Nigel says he doesn’t think you can say shit on television. And then they all say shit a bunch of times. Yawn. It’s a no from all of them, but Mia would like to encourage him to keep going. Nigel adds that if he loves dancing he should not just stick to breaking, but try some other styles.  He could lift girls with one finger!

Montage of crap performances along with a staged bit of all the judges pretending they are asleep, and then people cry.

This is only a fraction of the crap they show 

Let’s hope Kelsea Taylor can turn their frowns upside down. As she takes the stage Nigel starts begging her to please please please be good. She is.Halleluiah!

She’s got great lines and musicality, and she’s got some quirkiness, but not too much. Mia is uber intense watching her, so you know she’s gonna love her. Nigel says Sonya would love her. Yeah, she’d probably assault the poor girl with sunflowers and rainbows. You know they really like her because she makes it through her entire audition and Nigel says he didn’t want it to stop. Mary says, “First time today, I think.” Nigel calls her zany and slightly crazy, but he means it in a good way. Mary loves her musicality; she wanted her to keep on going. Mia says she thinks Kelsea is a beautiful disastrous weirdo.

You would know! 

I’m actually surprised that they send her to choreography rather than sending her straight through. Shit, with the way auditions seem to be going, she may be the only one in that round. Oh. She’s not. Twenty three people made it to choreography, but only four people make it through to Vegas. That has to be an all time low. You may be happy to learn that Kelsea is one of the four. I know I am.

Time for the last days of auditions. Phew! I gotta say I’m happy about that. Nigel starts out by telling today’s auditioners how terrible everyone was yesterday. Great pep talk Nigel! 

First up is Kuponohi’ipou Aweau. He tells Cat he’ll give her three chances to pronounce his name correctly. She doesn’t do it, and adorably calls her efforts rubbish. He says in Hawaiian culture you’re given a name whose meaning you are supposed to live. His name means “child of cherished honesty”. Ummm, good for you? 

He’s not bad.  I think I’d like him better if he wasn’t using that chair as a prop. If you’re going to use a chair, use it well. He doesn’t. When he’s done, Nigel asks him to pronounce his name. He does. Nigel asks if he has a nickname. Pono. It sounds like Nigel pronounces the nickname as Porno. Porno is leaving Mary on the fence. She thinks a lot of it was very strong, but there were also a lot of things that were off-putting to her and very feminine. Mia likes Porno. She has faith in him. There’s some stuff there. Someone please throw some water on Mia.

You are made from the best stuff on Earth 

Nigel says Porno reminds him of Mark. I guess I can see that in the quirkiness, but I think that Mark was a better dancer. Of course my entire memory of Mark is tinged with my love of “Bleeding Love.” Oh. Now I have to go watch it again. They send Porno through to choreography.

Time for another montage of good dancers that we don’t get to see enough of. Because why should we waste time on good dancers who’ve been working their asses off to get to the level they’re at when we can take time for this idiot instead?

WHY????????????? 

Some idiot yells out that Sex is his hero and I think that dude’s mother should give him a good whack upside the head. David refers to himself as a local celebrity. I can’t believe they’re showing him again. Quick question. Does anyone else think his mom looks like she smells like cat pee?

She’s right, Mom. You do. 

But it’s not time for Sex yet. There’s another loser we have to see first. His name is Leonid Knyshov from Kiev, Ukraine. He goes by Wise Leo. His day job is recovering data from damaged hard drives. He says a lot of his job consists of grief counseling because losing data is a very traumatic experience for many people. But I thought he said he recovered data? He’s just really slimy and gross looking.

He tells us he also runs a number of websites. Raise your hand if you instantly thought “kiddie porn”!

Me too 

He’s terrible. Apparently he wrote down on his paper that the style is called indescribable. Nigel says it’s not indescribable, he can think of quite a few words to call it. He wants Leonid to break down the style for him. He starts by telling Nigel he made this up (NO!!). He’s here to see how far he can get with their help. “So let’s here what you have to say.” Nigel’s at a loss for words. It’s like he’s at a rave party. “Yes.” Mary says it reminds her of when three and four year olds are out in the back yard playing and twirling and jumping around. Mia wants to see a battle between him and Sex. ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS?!?!? 

After getting permission from his mom, Sex heads up to do battle. And I refuse to recap this part of the show. This is such a crock of shit I think it gave me a mini stroke I’m so fucking mad.  Why? Someone explain to me why we have to sit through this crap rather than seeing people who are actually good and might have a shot at making it to the top twenty. I am so sick of them giving this whack job and his mother airtime every year. Didn’t Nigel tell him to not come back again? If you don’t want him to come back, why do you keep giving him the attention he so desperately craves?!?!?!? AAAAAAAHHHHHHHH. 

And then. After that complete ridiculousness Nigel decides to send him through to choreography. WHAT? Nigel says it’s to give him a reality check. Whatever. In the real world if you suck they tell you to go home. Mary says she’ll enter the twilight zone and votes yes with Nigel. Mia says for once in her life she is staying in reality and voting no. Thank you Mia. 

You and I both know that this idiot won’t be able to keep up with choreography, and lo and behold. He can’t. I really hope that the poor girl that was forced to dance with him at least got a ticket to Vegas. Obviously Sex doesn’t. Porno does however.

I am so fucking pissed that this is how they ended this episode. Ugh. Now I’ll be annoyed for the rest of the night! Thanks a lot NIGEL. I wonder if there’s anything that could make me feel better.

That works! 

Next week – Vegas! You’ll laugh, you’ll cry, you’ll watch it again and again. And Nigel got a haircut. Sadly he must have gone to Mia’s blind stylist because it’s even worse than what he’s already sporting.

Hope to see you there!

SWAK, PottyMouth