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Tonight’s the first of many sad sad nights. Or angry nights. Maybe happy nights. It all depends on which dancers go home, who you’re voting for, and what atrocity Cat is wearing. THIS. Is So You Think You Can Dance (dance…..dance)!
This dress wouldn’t be bad if it wasn’t the color of POOP.
We open with whispering……”Save the dancer, save the world…..” that’s a sentiment I can get behind. I’d much rather us save the dancers than the cheerleaders. I immediately think this is a Shane Sparks number, and that thought makes me soooooo happy. Now all we have to do is get him back at the judging table.
We want YOU!
So they’re dancing to “Boom Boom Pow” by the Black Eyed Peas, and it starts out fading in and out to different dancers all dressed as homeless people with raccoon eyes. But then! The hip hop squad arrives to save the day!
Help them Hip Hop Squad, you are their only hope!
The hip hopping is so good that it totally cures the homeless! Actually it looks like some green “fairy” dust cures the homeless. Well, “cure” may not be the right word since they end up looking like strung out crack whores with raccoon eyes.
I feel like I’m watching some sort of demented Lifetime movie.
That was a fun way to start the night. Cat jumps right into it, explaining to us again how tonight is going to work. I am not going to go over it any more. She tells us it’s going to be really rough for the judges, so we should give them a little bit of love. Do we have to?
But before we get to any results, we have filler to air! Cat tells us how tough the last few days have been for the dancers. They’ve had new partnerships to navigate, and most of them have never even worked with partners before. So of course we need a montage about that!
We get little clips of the guys “sneaking” up on the girls to reveal the partnership. I’m sure that was totally spontaneous and not staged AT ALL. Max continues the tradition of ballroom guys acting skeevy by telling us the best part about Kayla is that she’s a hot blond chick.
Don’t make me barf on you
And then Cat wants to share with us the key rules to a great partnership. Rule Number One: Respect each other’s boundaries.
I totally respect you(r husband. Please don’t hurt me, John!)
Rule Number Two: Communication is essential. Followed by a clip of Janette babbling to Brandon in Spanish, and Caitlin correcting Jason on his grammar. Fun!
Rule Number Three: It’s important to feel comfortable with your partner. And Ade lets us know that Melissa is fond of letting out raunchy burps. Yum.
Poor thing. You know old people do have problems with their digestion.
After one really nasty one she’s asks him what she had for lunch. Oh No! Alzheimer’s too?!? Next she’ll be asking Ade to wipe her ass for her or something.
Rule Number Four: Shared interests. Time to check in with Ashley and Kupono who both apparently make animal noises. Bit I’m totally distracted from anything that Kupono is saying because he talks like he’s just drank an entire bottle of Nyquil. Medicine head.
But above all, Cat tells us, it takes hard work and perspiration. Followed by clips of the boys sweating. I wish I could say it’s a sexy sort of sweating, but sadly, no. They have rivers of sweat flowing off their bodies, grossing out their partners. Vitolio even hugs Asuka with his nasty sweaty self.
You know it’s sad really, because there are certain guys that can look really really sexy when they sweat.
Woof! Come give me a sweaty hug!
Alright. Time to get down to business. The first three couples are out on stage waiting to hear if they are safe or in the bottom three. They are Max and Kayla, Evan and Randi, and Phillip and Jeanine.
Let’s start with Max and Kayla. The judges had multiple orgasms over them last night and gave Kayla a head to toe tongue bath after their performance, but was the audience feeling the heat? We have to wait to find out.
Moving on to Evan and Randi. Evan busted out some passion that will surely earn him an ass-whooping at the hands of Randi’s husband. And the dancing was great too. But did people pick up the phone to vote for the nerdy cutie? Cat’s not telling yet.
Finally Phillip and Jeanine. They opened the show, and sent me immediately to my happy place. Jeanine impressed the hell out of the judges by keeping up with Phillip and making her own mark on the competition. Did they earn enough votes to stay out of the bottom?
So I’m a little worried here. Out of these three couples, if anyone’s going to be in the bottom I would want it to be Max and Kayla, but I don’t think that’s going to happen. I don’t think they deserve to be in the bottom, I just liked the other two routines better.
Okay, here we go. Cat starts with Max & Kayla. They are safe!! Good for them, but CRAP!! One of the other two is going to be in the bottom? That’s a load of crap. I hope to hell that Cat is pulling one of those lame fakeouts where everyone is safe.
Evan and Randi. Safe. Phew. Phillip? Jeanine? You’re safe too!!
How come my Big Mac never looks like that?
After the break it’s time for the next group to find out their fate. This time we have four couples. Jason and Caitlin, Ade and Melissa, Kupono and Ashley, and Tony and Paris. Well, it’s easy to figure out one of the bottom three from that grouping.
Caitlin and Jason danced a Bollywood number. The judges loved it, and so did the viewers! They are safe. Melissa and Ade danced a beautiful pas de deux, plus Ade gave Melissa her yearly gyn exam at the same time. Will the audience appreciate his versatility? Yep. They are safe.
Ashley and Kupono were crash test dummies a la Wade Robson. Did they crash into America’s hearts? Tony and Paris’ stank stank. They will definitely be in the bottom, but will Kupono and Ashley join them?
What the fuck is on his shoulder?
Ashley and Kupono are safe, so Tony and Paris are all alone in the bottom three for now. Paris needs to shake this off and get ready for her solo. The girl looks like she’s given up already.
Cat asks Adam if he’s surprised by this. Of course he’s not. He does tell them that he’s seen much love for them while Twittering. But he thinks it’s more because of being charming than actually performing well. Adam tells them it’s a numbers game, someone’s got to be in the bottom, and they just need to bring it in their solos. Have I mentioned how much I love Adam?
I had no idea they cast Cameron Diaz in the Kojak remake.
Time for the last three couples; Vitolio and Asuka, Brandon and Janette, and Jonathan and Karla. Only one of them will be safe.
I call bottom, safe, bottom
Asuka and Vitolio danced a weak Broadway number with zero personality. Is there any doubt that they will be in the bottom? Nope. Does it shock Mary? Nope.
Mary is so wise. She tells them they have to bring it. They have to dance like they’ve never danced before. But most importantly, “It’s not over til it’s over.” Pearls of wisdom, people.
Cat tells us that leaves us with two couples. One is safe and one will be heading into the bottom three. I am so glad she is there to do the complicated math for me. Subtraction makes my head hurt. On a separate note, what is up with the huge zippers on Brandon’s pants?
Is his schlong that big?
Janette and Brandon danced a fox trot and gave me a craving for strawberry milk. Jonathan and Karla danced the cha cha and Karla thought that cute and hot meant the same thing. I think we’ve established they do not.
That mistake is gonna cost her, because her and Jonathan are the final couple in the bottom three. Why isn’t anyone asked if they are surprised by them landing in the bottom?
While the dancers get ready to perform their Gestapo dances, Cat has a special treat for us. Every week they are going to feature different dance styles from around the world (love it!); this week it’s the tango. Performed by Miriam Larici and Leonardo Barrionuevo.
It’s very dramatic and serious. I love watching the tango. Alright, you got me I love to watch dance. All dance. I mean all dance that is good. Of course this sent me off on a half hour tangent looking through you tube videos of tangos. I took a little trip down memory lane, and thought you might like to as well. Remember Allison and Ivan’s tango? Here it is again.
I had actually started out looking for a video of the masochism tango – the outfits in this number made me immediately think of that song. If you’ve never heard it, you should check it out. It’s funny as hell.
But then I found the Allison and Ivan tango and had to share. I love watching videos of old awesome numbers!!! And this was their first one – I think it was the third performance show of the season. Yowza.
If you pulled the bow, would the whole dress fall off?
No more time for reminiscing; get your shotguns ready because it’s time for Paris, Tony, Asuka, Vitolio, Karla and Jonathan to dance for their lives. Who will get bagged and tagged tonight?
Up first is Paris. She tries. I guess. I didn’t think it was all that impressive, but I don’t really like her and her sickled feet. She also does that whole trying to be sexy thing at the end of the dance which always bugs me. She better pray that one of the other girls falls on ass or something.
Up next is Tony. Oh my lord. What the fuck is he doing?
HO-LY Crap y’all!! He’s doing the Rerun dance! Is he serious with this?
I think Rerun actually did a better job than Tony.
Let’s move along to Asuka. She’s at a disadvantage here because she’s actually used to dancing with a partner. It feels all over the place, and I swear I thought her boob was going to pop out at the end. Way to Nigel’s vote Asuka!
Vitolio’s turn. He comes out with a leap that should ensure his place in next week’s show. It wasn’t a wow solo, but this kid can dance. He’s not going anywhere.
Time for Karla’s solo. This girl must have been watching reruns of season one because she’s doing Melody’s signature move.
It was good, not great. But it should be enough to keep her here.
Finally we have Jonathan. Watching him dance I’m actually worried that we may end up saddled with Tony for another week. If this kid doesn’t kick it into high gear he’s going to be toast next week.
Cat sends the judges backstage to deliberate. Do they really need to? While we’re waiting for their decision we get to
fast forward watch Sean Kingston having a heart attack singing his hit song “Fire Burning”.
I don’t understand why we have to have these musical guests. They have nothing to do with dance; in fact, this guy’s background dancers would never make it on to this show. I wish they’d give us another dance performance instead.
Wow. That really sucked.
Results time. Ladies first. Nigel says the judges were unanimous in their decision. He asks Karla to step forward. They judges thought she was very good this evening but she needs to be careful that her solo isn’t just a series of steps. Or crotch shots. She’s safe.
Down to Paris and Asuka. Nigel tells them that the judges have tried to take more than just their performance this evening into account. WHAT? Then why even make them do it? That’s horse shit. It’s also based on who else in the competition.
So Asuka stays because she is the only ballroom girl. You know, I actually agree with the decision to send Paris home, but not for the reasons Nigel’s spouting. Based purely on the fact that I think she is the weakest girl.
Even she knows she’s the weakest of the bunch
They show the “so sad you’re leaving” montage, but they don’t really have enough footage yet for that, do they? Anyway, adieu Paris! Bon voyage!
Moving on to the guys. Unanimous decision again. They didn’t think that any of the guys danced particularly well tonight. Nigel tells Vitolio that we still haven’t seen his personality. He better bring it with him next week. Safe.
Down to Tony and Jonathan. We all know Tony’s going home. That’s not a shocker, is it?
You know, at the end of the day this sort of pisses me off. Not that Tony’s going home because he’s way out of his league. The fact that they put him on the show at all aggravates me. They should have told him to get more training and come back in a year or two. He simply wasn’t ready for the show yet.
My dad’s gonna be pissed
And that’s it for the first performance round. What did you think? Happy with the judges’ decision? What will next week bring us? I can’t wait to see.
P.S. The timing for next week’s recaps may be a little off. I’m going to be away Friday and Saturday, but I will bust my butt to have them to you as quickly as possible.