So You Think You Can Dance: Doin’ The Butt

Holla Gasmi! We all know the rocky road Cat has traveled with the costume department on this show, so imagine my surprise when I found out (shout out to qupert) that she has been dressing herself this season.  Normally I’d think that was a step in the right direction, but after last week’s red abomination, I’m a little frightened. This week Cat’s decided to pay homage to Clash of the Titans…..

More lovely than Aphrodite herself 

THIS. Is So You Think You Can Dance (dance……..dance)!

After being reintroduced to our top sixteen, Cat comes out to start the show. She reminds us how sad it was to lose Max and Ashley last week and I remember how I didn’t really care so much. Ahhhhh, memories.

Joining Nigel and Mary this week at the judges’ table is Toni Basil. Cat says that Toni’s about to receive a very special award, can Toni tell us all about it? Oh boy can she!! She’s going to be receiving the living legend of hip hop award. I never even knew such an award existed. 

Yep. This is the face of hip hop 

Of course Toni can’t stop there, oh noooooo, on she goes, talking about Boogaloo Sam, Campbell Lock Campbell, and her old pal Hopalong Cassidy. Together they have all done so much for street dancing; bringing it out into the mainstream and helping assure that street dancers are counted in with all the other disciplines of dance. Just the very fact that it is mentioned on this program shows how far street dancing has come.

 

Oh Toni, you’re so lame, you’re so lame you hurt my brain, Hey Toni! Please shut up Toni. WOO! 

Let’s move on to Mary. Cat wants to know how she thinks the season is shaping up so far. Mary is no fool. She wants to keep on sitting at that judges’ table for years to come, so she tells us all that it all just keeps getting bigger and better and she can’t wait to see what they’re going to do.

Nigel continues to blow smoke up our collective asses by saying that these are some of the best top twenty dancers they’ve ever had. And while I will agree that there are several people in this group that I like and think are very strong, I will also say that I’ve felt very much the same way in other seasons of this show. In other words, stuff a sock in it, Nigel.

So the filler question for this week is: What would you do/be if you couldn’t be a dancer? Can’t wait to see what funtastic answers these kids come up with! First up we have Karla and Jonathan. Karla would be a journalist because she loves writing. Wake me up when she’s done talking.  Jonathan would want to be an acrobat for Cirque de Soleil because he likes flipping all over the place. 

Karla and Jonathan will be dancing a hip hop number choreographed by Dave Scott. As soon as they walk into the room to meet with him, Dave hands them each a hat. Uh oh. Props. This number is supposed to have sort of a Bonnie and Clyde feel, a gangster love story, if you will.

This dance sucks y’all. There’s really no way to sugar coat it. From beginning to end, all shades of suck. They’re not together, they’re not hitting it hard, they’re awful with the hats…..should I go on? Let’s see if the judges think it’s as bad as I do.

Nigel agrees with me, even going so far as to say he bets they will be in the bottom. Think about that. They are the first couple to dance, and Nigel is certain they will be in the bottom three. It was just that bad. Of course, now he may have helped them out, getting people to rally for them by giving them a harsh critique. To those people I say, “Put down the goddamn phone.” You heard me.

Mary was also unimpressed; it just wasn’t in the right groove. Toni, what did you think? She thinks that hip hop is a series of steps that the choreographer draws from many millenniums of dance styles, but mostly STREET. Street has to have a groove and a funk. Gangsters have to have a ghetto groove, or it feels store bought.

But it was on sale at the dollar store! 

That was a seriously crappy way to start the night. Let’s hope Asuka and Vitolio can get us back on track. But first! Filler time. If Asuka wasn’t dancing, she’d be making crappy jewelry and trying to guilt her friends and family into buying it.

Check out this Must Have piece 

If Vitolio wasn’t dancing he would be the lead singer in a band. Ummmm, okay. Asuka says she has heard him sing, and the way she says it makes me think that his chances of becoming a singer are slim to none. This week they are dancing a Mandy Moore jazz piece to “Heartbreaker”. Mandy is calling it Thrash. Rocker. Jazz. Because when I think of Thrash, the name I think of is Pat Benatar, natch.

Asuka is out of her element her, and even though she tries to hold it together, she ends up getting upset. Vitolio is a sweetheart, comforting her and telling her they will work together as a couple to make it happen. That’s really sweet of him, but I still don’t like her. 

I’m not digging this number either. They’re not really hitting it hard enough or sharp enough for me. I’d like to place all that blame on Asuka, but Vitolio isn’t that great in this number either. For me, they’re just bleh. 

Asuka’s costume looks like they bought it out of a Frederick’s of Hollywood catalog 

Part of the problem is that they have absolutely no chemistry. I am so bored watching them. Cat can’t believe these are the same cutie pies from the clip. She talks about Vitolio being there for Asuka, and he says he had to be there for her, and all the girlies in the audience go awwwwwwwww. And I go Yaaaaaaawn.

Nigel thinks the routine was fantastic. I think maybe Nigel might be on drugs or something.

I love you guys! Wait! Where are you? 

Mary thought it was really good, but not as good as last week. There were parts when they should have been in sync and they weren’t, she expected more from them. Toni thinks they have the potential to develop into an extremely powerful couple. She also thinks that they should not let their technique get in the way of their emotions. Gawd.

Ade and Melissa are up next. Melissa’s exciting career choice if she wasn’t dancing? Pilates instructor. Ade would be a sound engineer, and we know that already because he’s mentioned it in another set of filler clips. Thanks for sharing guys!

I know that some of you have mentioned that you actually like all this filler crap, but I fucking hate it. I could care less about what they want to be when dance is gone, or what “secret” we should know about them. All I want to know, is can they dance? Can they dance well? And can they keep their mouths shut when getting their critiques? 

So Melissa and Ade are dancing a rumba. Tony Meredith is the choreographer, and he tells us it’s the international love dance between a man and a woman. It requires sensuality. And technique. And emotion. Tony thinks they have to work on everything.

Thank god for Melissa and Ade. They kill this dance. They’ve got the technique down, especially the hip action the rumba requires, and they’re selling the passion and emotion all the way through. I really liked this alot. 

You know what’s going to be interesting though? When they get something that’s really outside of their element. I mean, everything they’ve had so far lends itself fairly well to Melissa’s ballet training. What’s going to happen when they get hip hop or krumping? I’m curious to see.

Anyway, let’s go over to the judges and see what they thought. Nigel pervs out immediately talking about how terrific Melissa’s body is. I mean, she does have a fabulous body, but Nigel needs to stop talking about it. He does, going from Nigel horndog mode to Nigel corndog mode saying, “What a difference Ade makes.” Oh Nigel, you’re just so witty.

In all seriousness, he gives props to Ade for his partnership, and it’s well deserved. Mary reminds us that Tony said selling the emotion would be one of the toughest parts of this routine. Well, she’s buying, yes she is. 

I’d like a five dollar foot long please. 

It appears that this number may have given Toni some hot flashes. She thinks the sensuality was gorgeous, and Melissa’s ballet training really worked for this. But since Nigel and Mary already talked about Melissa and Ade, Toni’s going to talk about Tony. She’s seen him and Melanie perform live. “You were hot because they were hot.” Do we really need to go over the definition of hot AGAIN?!? Alright, I will, you have left me no other option.

HOT 

NOT 

Please don’t make me have to go over this again. 

Up next we have Janette and Brandon. Brandon would love to be a lighting and design person because he loves it when the stage is all sparkly and everything. Janette would be loan processor in a bank. Because there’s a really cool side to processing loans. You just have to look really really really really really hard I guess.

They are also doing a Dave Scott hip hop number, and all I can say is that I hope to hell it goes better than the earlier one. Poor Dave Scott seems to be heading down the same road of disappointment that Shane traveled last week.

Dave tells us this dance is going to be rock ‘n roll meets hip hop. They each show a little bit of their style and then they put it in a blender and mix it together to get some sort of rock and hip hop combo.

It looks like Brandon was picking up the moves pretty quickly during rehearsal and that brought out the competitor in Dave. Dave kept stepping up the moves seeing if Brandon could keep up. He does. There’s a part with some locking in it, and Brandon is afraid of what the poppers watching at home will think. I think he should be more worried about what they’ll think of the SYTYCD stencil on his baseball cap. It’s so street, y’all.

I loved this dance. They each kept in character the whole time and they did a nice job of bring each character’s flavor to the steps. It’s so nice to finally see some good hip hop. This really had me wishing they had gotten Shane last week, but there’s always another time, I guess.

The judges all love it. Nigel thinks it was good stuff, and this is what he enjoys; dancers being taken out of their element and put into another element, and working it. Mary thinks they really hit it, yes she does. She is so proud of them tonight. 

Toni reminds us all that street is a really really tough thing to do. She thinks the juxtaposition between the rock and hip hop was really strategic on Dave’s part and really good for them. Have I mentioned that I’m over her? Oh, and street street street streety street street. Street.

Her hat’s like a Mandarin beret. I wonder if she bought it on the street 

Coming up next is Kupono and Kayla, our new partnership. Will they mesh doing a Vietnamese Viennese waltz? Before we find out the answer to that question, let’s find out what they would want to be if they could not dance. Kayla shares with us that she would want to be a model. I was all set to make a smartass remark about that, but then they showed some pictures she’s done, and I found my self liking some of them

Go Figure 

Kupono would want to be a costume designer. Yeah, I never saw that one coming.

 

Make it Work 

Kupono tells us that a lot of the pieces we’ve seen him wearing are actually his own. No Shit.  I wonder if he’s been giving Cat fashion advice. Their waltz is being choreographed by Jean Marc Genereux. Oh Goody – he’s a total fruit loop, but I love him! I wish they’d have him back on the judges’ panel. He always talks nonsense, but in a French accent, so it’s ok

The dance is really pretty, and they do a good job with it but it felt much more like a lyrical piece to me than a waltz. Maybe some of that is because their dancing in their barefeet, which also bugged me last year when a certain couple did it in the waltz. I don’t know.  I liked it; it just felt like the genre was mislabeled. 

Cat says when dancers reach into the hat and pull a Vietnamese Viennese waltz, they die a million deaths. Yeah. It’s one of the toughest to get, for sure. Nigel thinks it’s not the kind of routine that gets a hundred rounds of applause. It’s not flashy or exciting. He thought the dance was beautiful and that they were beautiful in it. But he does not think it’s going to make anybody stand up and cheer. So of course the audience does just that.

Well some of them at least 

He hopes that people pick up the phone and call for them because they deserve it. Mary thinks it was elegant and flowing and endearing. She puts them on the hot tamale train and screams. Blech. Toni, was it street enough for you? 

It was just like taking a stroll along the Mariahilferstrasse 

She really loved the dance. She particularly loved Kayla, and thought Kupono partnered her well. I can’t listen to her anymore. Sorry.

Our next couple is going to be Evan and Randi, dancing a Mia Michaels contemporary piece. But first, filler! Aside from dancing, Randi is also pursuing a career in elementary education. She wants to be a special ed teacher. I am not going to say anything about that other than good for her, we need more teachers. Evan would want to be a mechanic, which isn’t so hard to guess after he shared his love of cars with us last week. Maybe he could be a dancing mechanic; oil change and a show.

Mia has created a piece for them that is all about Randi’s butt. Evan is entranced with her butt, made helpless by her butt. Mia says he loses all bodily functions. I hope to god she doesn’t have him shitting on the stage or something.

I loved this dance! Of course I may be a bit biased because I love Evan so much, but I don’t think so. This dance kicked ass. ASS. Yes, I said it! Although it was so hot and steamy, I’m thinking that Randi is going to have some splaining to do to her hubby yet again. 

Cat calls them cheeky. Hee. And then….Nigel. He thinks that this was very simple choreography for Mia, “But, and there is a butt….it was beautifully danced.” There wasn’t really any great style by Mia, “But, and there is a butt….it was followed though from beginning to end.” There wasn’t a great idea behind it, there wasn’t a doorway, bed or father in heaven, “But, and there is a butt….and it’s Randi’s butt.”  

Butt Head 

Nigel thinks no one on earth could come up with an idea like this, other than Mia Michaels. He also thinks it will be remembered. Amen to that Nigel. On a different note, what the fuck is Mia wearing?

Does she even need glasses? 

Mary thought they were terrific. One of the best numbers for her tonight. I do agree. I think it is the best of the night for me. Toni says that if she was a dancer on this show she would be praying to pull Mia’s name out of the box. It’s a hat Toni. And so nice of you to say that, I’m sure the other choreographers really appreciate that. 

Toni thinks the only problem is that sometimes Mia’s choreography can become the star, the dancers have to live up to it, and they did. And then she says something about alchemy and how phenomenal Mia is and I stopped listening, so I can’t really tell you much more beyond that. And it was so street.

Time for Caitlin and Jason to tackle the Paso Doble. Huh. This could either be really really good, or a complete disaster. You definitely have to have a certain attitude to pull off the paso doble, and I’m not sure that they have that.

But first, I’m dying to know what they would be if they weren’t a dancer. I just can’t wait to find out!! Caitlin would like to appear in multiple Lifetime movies for women has always thought about pursuing broadcast journalism. 

I’m thinking more weather girl than broadcast journalist 

If Jason wasn’t dancing, he’d be playing soccer. If not professionally, than at a collegiate level. Caitlin thinks soccer players are hot. I think Caitlin’s got a little thing for Jason, and maybe vice versa. That kiss the first week was a little steamy.

Jean Marc Genereux and his wife, France will be choreographing them for the paso doble. France loves this dance because it is about the fighting. I think the two of them are little freaks in the sack. 

Foreplay 

So in this paso doble, Caitlin and Jason are supposed to hate each other, but it seems difficult for them to stop smiling. I have a feeling this is going to be another whitebread version of a dance style.

Holy Crap. This is the worst music for a paso doble ever. They’re dancing to “O Fortuna”, and if that weren’t bad enough, the costumes….oh, the costumes. The costumes look like someone threw up purple and gold all over them, but that’s not the worst part. He looks like a caped gladiator, and she looks like I Dream of Jeannie wearing Princess Leia’s slave outfit. 

Back in the bottle please! 

So this for me was a paso d’oh-ble. I wasn’t buying it at all. And honestly it felt really clumsy and clunky in parts. Whatever happened to the whole “the woman is the cape” thing? I liked that. This? Not so much. So let’s take a little detour to watch a paso doble from seasons past that I really enjoyed. Gasmi, I present to you, Neil and Sabra!

Now THAT was a paso doble.  

Back in the present, let’s hear what Nigel has to say about this routine. Nigel felt like Jason was performing too much to the audience, not enough to his partner. He didn’t feel enough passion from the pair of them. He thinks Caitlin has great lines and a beautiful flow of movement, but he’d still have liked to see more between the pair of them.

Mary has obviously reached her drinking limit for the evening because she thinks it was a really strong performance. She gives him a little bit of critique on his posture, but overall she really liked it. I have obviously reached my saturation point this evening for Toni because all I can tell is that she liked it. I tuned the rest out.

 

woh woh woh wohwoh woh wooooooh 

The last couple tonight is Phillip and Jeanine who will be dancing a Broadway routine choreographed by Tyce DiOrio. Uh oh. This has disaster written all over it. If Phillip was going to be anything other than a dancer, he would be an inventor. He wants to create or invent something that would help society. Jeannine would be an actress/waitress. 

Well this routine should be right up her alley since Tyce intends for it to be very theatrical. He also wants Phillip to jump the length of the couch (yes, I said couch) during the dance. We see some cute footage of Phillip running toward the couch and then chickening out. And then jumping it.

They start the dance seated on the couch with Phillip reading to Jeanine from a book. I just love a man who reads.

 

Mmmmmmmmm 

Before you can say Hugh Jackman is the hottest man alive, they’re up off the couch and dancing around it, over it, but not under it. It’s a cute routine, and I like it better than I usually like Tyce’s Broadway numbers. But it must be said that Jeanine out dances Phillip by a mile. She has the Broadway style down whereas you can just sort of see him thinking about it too much. He does an okay job, MUCH better than the tango catastrophe of last week, just not great.

Phillip does the clear the couch though, and splits his pants in the process. Nigel says he now knows what it’s like to dance with his ass hanging out of his trousers. Oh Nigel, you just get funnier and funnier every year. He wasn’t crazy about him in this dance though. He says he’s going to have to ask him to grow even more than he is doing. Nigel doesn’t want to stop loving him, but he will.

Mary expected Phillip to be a nightmare in this dance, but he wasn’t. She thought he started out good and in character, but she could see him tiring as the routine went on. She gives him props for clearing the couch. Mary also thinks that Jeanine could step out on any Broadway stage right now. Toni talks. I don’t listen. 

So that’s your sweet sixteen, Gasmi. Who’d you love? Hate? Who are you hoping will get the boot? I think there’s no way Phillip and Jeanine will be in the bottom. If they didn’t land there with last week’s atrocious tango, they should be safe for another week. My call for bottom three is Jonathan/Karla, Asuka/Vitolio, and Caitlin/Jason. I’d like to see Asuka and Jonathan go; they are both waaaaaay out of their league. 

I’m going to get started on the results show, and hope to have it ready for your reading pleasure soon. See you there!

SWAK, PottyMouth