So You Think You Can Dance: Conspiracy Theory

This week the concept of random picks from a hat gets put to the test. And by put to the test I mean completely thrown out the window. Along with two of the dancers. But more of that later! THIS. Is So You Think You Can Dance (dance…….dance)!

Pretty in Pink 

Last week I was hoping that we would get two dances per couple on this show. But why have more dancing when the filler is so much more fun and exciting? I know I can never get enough of it. In fact, let’s dig into some right away.

Because you and I don’t seem to remember what happens from week to week, the producers thought we needed a little refresher on how this season has gone down so far.

Wow, I had totally forgotten about this exciting moment 

Did you know thousands of dancers auditioned this year? Did you know that six dancers have already gone home? How about that there are only seven couples left? Didja? Didja? I’m so glad that they decided to remind us of all of this. My memory just isn’t what it used to be.

This week Mia will be joining Nigel and Mary at the judges’ table. Oh yay. 

I see someone took their happy pills today. 

So this is Mia’s first time judging since Vegas and Cat wants to know if her opinions have changed about anybody. Mia says that’s such a set up. Yes, Mia, it’s called hosting. So, without naming names, her opinion has changed for the better. She is so full of shit.

Nigel asks if this would be for a small male dancer. Yes. With the initials Brandon? Oh that Nigel, he is just so crafty. Cat asks if Mia has anything else to add. Nope.

I will cut you 

So the filler for this evening is going to be the dancers reminding us of their highs and lows during their time on the show. If you are unsure as to what exactly that means, well, they’re basically going to recap for us what they’ve done on the show. Sounds supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!

Up first are Janette and Brandon. Janette thinks being on the show these last few weeks has been everything anyone could ever want.

Speak for yourself bitch! 

Brandon chimes in to tell us that week one they did fox trot. The judges liked it. Week two was disco. It was fast. Last week was hip hop. There were ugly fishnets. Brandon’s dance teacher had ninety-five people at her house watching. Good thing it went well. And what a good thing they took us on this journey. I know I for one had forgotten all these golden moments.

Tonight they will be doing the cha cha with Jean Marc Genereux and France. His wife, not the country. Although that would be pretty amazing to see. France tells us this cha cha is going to be hot. Sassy. Very sexy. Jean Marc says he knows someone very sexy. Me too, Jean Marc, me too.

I wonder if we’re thinking of the same person? 

WE ARE!!! 

Brandon tells us it’s straight outta Miami, so Janette’s really feeling it. They also make sure to tell us how dangerous the dance is; one wrong move and Brandon could get kicked in the nads. We see footage of them falling all over the place, but no kick to the balls. Janette’s hoping it will all come together for the performance.

Here’s hoping I can castrate him with my shoe! 

Cat reminds us that Mary likes her cha cha rough (gag), but does she like it dangerous? Excuse me while I go barf.

I may need to make another trip to the bathroom; they’re dancing to The Pussycat Dolls’ “Hush Hush; Hush Hush” Perhaps Shut The Fuck Up would have been a better title for the song. Well I guess that would only apply if it were a literal song title. The dance itself starts out slowly, with Janette trying to break Brandon’s neck.

Die Motherfucker! 

The dance is spicy and sexy and definitely a cha cha. What bugs me about it are two things. First, both Brandon and Janette are lip syncing the words in parts of the dance which is incredibly annoying. The other thing is that Janette pulls faces like crazy. I really need her to stop doing that. Other than that, it’s really good.

Nigel thinks it was possibly the best damn cha cha he has ever seen on this show. I’m not quite sure I agree with that, but I think there are going to be several things I don’ agree with tonight. Nigel also thinks that since Brandon knew Mia was going to be on the panel tonight, he pulled his finger out and just got down to it. Ewwww. Pulled his finger out of where?!? Forget it. Don’t answer that. I don’t want to know.

Nigel’s not done yet. He goes on to point out that this is not Brandon’s style, and he was particularly impressed with his feet. Mary always says it’s about having “paintbrush” feet, and Nigel thinks Brandon was Michelangelo tonight.

Brandon’s left foot did this 

Oh but Nigel’s not done yet! After all, there are two hours to fill and only seven dances. He now wants to point out that have each yet to do their own style. Well, I think this is fairly close to Janette’s stlye, Nigel. Not according to Mary. She points out that salsa and cha cha are two very different techniques. I’ll have to take her word for it as I am not an expert on ballroom dancing. Seems pretty similar to me.

Oh, and she puts them on the hot tamale train. Have I told you how much I hate the hot tamale train. You know, if you think about what a tamale actually is, it doesn’t sound like a compliment.

“I’m going to stuff you inside some corn mush, wrap you in a husk, and steam you! Yes I am!” 

Cat takes a moment to say to them that she hopes they’re not peaking too soon on the show. Wow. I sort of can’t believe she said that to them. Over to Mia. This should be great. She starts by saying she knows she has scared the bleep (saying bleep, not getting bleeped) out of Brandon. He says he’s shaking.

Then Mia backpedals like no one in the world has ever backpedaled. She is so fucking unbelievable. Here we go. “People who know me from years and years of working with me….the ones that I am toughest on, I think it goes for teachers in general, that really love and take notice of a talent; they’re the hardest on. And I think that’s where it’s all coming from because you have soooooo much ability and potential that I am not going to be satisfied until you are like……..You’re going to love me and hate me on this journey.”

When do we start loving you? 

Oh wait, she’s not done. “Because I am just going to dig in and drag you to a place where you’ve never been. Because you are. You’re amazing.” Brandon’s been crying through most of this, and while I’m happy that he may feel better, I do not feel better. She is such a fucking ASSHOLE.

Seriously, Mia? You shit all over this kid because you’re trying to make him a better dancer?!?!?!? I’m sorry, how does telling someone what they bring to the table as an artist pisses you off make anyone a better dancer? That is such a fucking crock of shit, I can’t even stand it. 

I am so pissed right now. Not only is she full of crap, but now she’s pre-justified any additional craps she takes on this kid by saying she’s going to be tough on him because he’s so amazing. And I actually do think he’s pretty amazing. Mia does not. ARGH! I fucking hate her. I love her choreography, but she is exactly the type of toxic teacher that should be kept away from kids. AAAAHHHHHHH! 

Sorry. I had to get that out of my system. 

Let’s shake it off and move on to the next couple, Kayla and Kupono. Did you know that they both started out with different partners? Yep, they did. Kupono says it’s been crazy. Kayla is enjoying her weekly tongue baths. This week they’re doing contemporary with Sonya.

Kupono’s so excited he made a shirt that says I ♥ Sonya. I wonder if that was on his to do list as well. Sonya tells us this week we are going somewhere very dark. The dance has a vampire theme to it. Kupono loves the sick and twisted way Sonya’s mind works. Kayla thinks the audience will appreciate it.

The dance starts with Kupono dragging Kayla across the stage. From there they go right into a lift, and then, well, it’s Sonya. It’s strange and wonderful. 

I really really like this dance. Kayla dances it stronger than Kupono, but they do a really good job. Sonya’s choreography is always so interesting. I like the vampire inspiration, but it needed a little something more, maybe at the end.

Perfect. 

Cat thinks they looked like superstars out there. She wants to know if Nigel enjoyed his trip to the dark side. He says he’s been there for many years, and he enjoyed going back. He talks about Sonya’s inspiration, mentioning the only vampire movies/TV shows he’s ever heard of…..Interview with a Vampire, Twilight, and True Blood. At the mention of Twilight, Sonya has a “Yes” moment, and I can honestly say it wasn’t that movie that came to mind when watching this dance. Maybe if they had covered Kupono’s face with sequins.

Nigel’s not going to talk about Kayla first. Probably because he’s finally realized that it’s pissing off the viewers. So he talks about Kupono, but quickly turns that into the pair of them. He thought they were great. 

Mary says the song was all about the death, but they are alive and kicking. She thinks it was tremendous, and that Sonya did a brilliant job at playing to their strengths. And they’re staying on the hot tamale train. 

Mia thinks they’re gorgeous together. The costuming is brilliant. Brilliant. The make up. Brilliant. She thinks this is Sonya’s best piece ever on the show. I’m gonna have to disagree with Mia on that one. Her number with Mark and Courtney last year was the best. Remember?

Of course, I’m biased because I really loved Mark, and I don’t really love Kupono. I know he’s supposed to be a Mark 2.0, but for me, he’s so not. And Courtney. Even though she had that crazy annoying smile, I liked her. Unlike Kayla. So maybe personality has something to do with it for me, but honestly, I think The Garden was a better dance. And danced better.

Don’t feed the animal 

Oh. I thought Mia was done talking, but she’s not. Now she wants to talk about the dancers. Kayla. Amazing. Her lines are ridiculous. Mia says from the first time they saw Kupono, they were on him. Yeah, she was wishing she was on him. She says he’s taken every note they’ve given him. Every single one. 

We are at about the forty minute mark, and we have only seen TWO dances. That’s freaking ridiculous.

Moving on, the next couple is Randi and Evan. She’s married, he’s a gearhead. They danced a contemporary. Everyone loved it. Then they did a jive. It was not loved. Last week they performed an ode to Randi’s butt and it was fant-ASS-tic.  

This week, they’ve picked Broadway from the “hat”. Now, I’m not going to complain about Evan getting Broadway, but it’s interesting to me that so far we’ve had a cha cha for the salsa dancer, contemporary for the contemporary dancers, and now a Broadway number for the Broadway guy. What a co-inky-dink.

Their choreographer is Joey Dowling who says she will be doing something that is not traditional musical theater. Except for the part where she rips off Bob Fosse. Which is the whole thing. Joey is a Mia class biatch. 

What of it? 

They’re dancing to the iconic “Rich Man’s Frug” from Sweet Charity. Joey appears to also enjoy ripping off Mandy Moore’s choreography as Evan does the cartwheel over the end of the table that Mandy had Neil do in the table dance. Normally I’d cut her some slack instead immediately assuming she’s a hack, but then, I’ve seen the rest of this dance.

So hackery aside, I really enjoyed Evan in this dance. Randi, not so much. The first problem isn’t her fault. The costume they’ve put her in makes her look fat and boxy, which she is not. But to me, she dances it too stiffly. She seems really tense in her shoulders, and almost flat footed in spots.

Nigel wants to point out what a great homage (rip off) to Bob Fosse this is. So thanks Joey!

Why is Raggedy Ann in the audience? And where is Andy? 

Nigel points out that in a style like this, the wrists have to be very flexible. I’d say they have to be visible. He thought Randi did really well, but was disappointed in Evan. He wants him to bring a little more to the party. But they’re still in his list of top ten dancers.

Mary reminds us that the dancers get five and a half hours to learn the choreography and adopt a new style. Tonight Evan had his style and she thought he did it fairly well. She felt like they could have been a little bit brighter, but she really enjoyed it.

Mia starts out saying how tall and brilliant Joey is. When she dances, you would never know she’s so tall and has to lug around all that height. That was missing for her in their performance. But opposite. They were dancing too short. Mia thinks from Randi it was a little heavy. And I can’t believe this, but I’m actually going to agree with her. 

I know, I’m as shocked by that as you are. 

Next up, Jason and Caitlin! Jason’s learned a lot about himself and his partner. But he doesn’t share any of these lessons with us. Instead, let’s visit the ghosts of dances past. They started with Bollywood. The judges loved it. I thought they were off. Then they did hip hop. It sucked the big wazoo. Last week they did a paso doble. D’oh. Bleh.

This week they have jazz with Brian Friedman. Brian’s concept for this is that Caitlin is an alien who blew up Earth and is coming down here to find the last man to procreate with. Ummm. I have a question. Why? Why would she blow up Earth and leave only one man to choose from? What if he’s an asshole? How did he survive? Is their DNA even compatible? It makes me wonder just how much Brian has thought this whole thing through.

Caitlin is going to have to be dominant in this piece. Well, that should be interesting. She seems like much more of a submissive to me. 

I could totally be dominant. Maybe. I think.  

This dance is strange, y’all. The music is “Creator” by Santigold, and it sets the mood well. The choreography is actually really interesting and different, and they have some really nice moments in there. The parts where Caitlin is supposed to be controlling Jason are very dynamic and look really good.

What is not good is her costume. It looks like someone crazy glued tin foil all over a rubber fetish suit. Emphasis on CRAZY. I actually like this more than anything else they’ve done.

Cat asks Nigel if the routine was out of this world or from another planet. He thinks Brian is from another planet. He thinks it was very weird. Nigel says that if the choreographer gives you something like that you have to commit 100%, and they did. 

He’s not sure about the costuming. If she’s trying to impregnate Jason, shouldn’t she be wearing less clothes? Ahhhh, Nigel. We can always count on you for at least one pervy comment a night. Thanks for never disappointing. In fact, he thinks her costume looks like the dancing condom.

Can someone please explain to me exactly WHO this condom would be for? 

Ooooooooo, rough rider. Carry on. 

Mary hated it. Of course she doesn’t come out and say it like that, but she hated it big time. Mia climbs on board the bash Brian train and says she doesn’t think when he decided to do this piece that he was setting out to choreograph the most brilliant piece of his career. 

I hate both of those bitches 

She thinks he was just trying to have fun and take some risks. It’s sort of kind of refreshing. A little bit. In a non brilliant way. It was fun. Oh, and she doesn’t like the tin foil.

Time for Jeanine and Phillip. They’ve had hip hop (good), tango (awful) and Broadway (so so). Phillip’s favorite moment on the show was when he split his pants. Phillip is a little strange I think. Maybe that’s why I like him so much. 

This week they have hip hop. Again. Really? Really? What exactly are the odds of that happening randomly? I mean, I’ve always felt like what dances they picked was manipulated somewhat by the producers, but this? How stupid do they really think we all are?

So they’re dancing hip hop with Tabitha and Napoleon to “Love Lockdown” by Kanye West. It’s supposed to be representative of what the kids go through on this show. From the time the producers pair them up they pick the partner’s name out of the hat, they are tied to each other. So they will be chained to each other for the dance.

Chain shenanigans ensue during rehearsal. Tripping on the chain, getting tangled in the chain. I wonder if they will be able to master the chain before the performance. The chain is making Napoleon nervous. It was an amazing idea in their heads, but it’s turning out to be a little tougher than they thought it would be.

I really liked this dance. I thought they dealt well with the chain, and that they both really hit it. We all know that this is Phillip’s style (sort of), and I really liked him in this. But Jeanine is a contemporary dancer, and she nailed this. She kept up with Phillip, and in some parts I think she actually out shone him. Great job.

Nigel thinks they should be chained together for life if it means they’re going to dance like that. He liked the part at the end where Phillip offers her the key but she doesn’t take it. Nigel thinks that Jeanine makes every style look as if it is her style. He thinks Tabitha and Napoleon did a great job. I refuse to use their stupid nickname.

Mary thought it was absolutely fabulously creative. She thought they handled the prop well. She loved them both in this and thinks it’s going to be a sad day when they’re not partners anymore. 

Mia’s a big fan of stupid nicknames, I mean, Tabitha and Napoleon. She liked the concept, but she didn’t like the chain. Ummm, Mia? The concept WAS the chain. She was distracted by the chain, and thought it took away from what they were doing. Other than that, great job.

I loved the whole idea. Well, not really, but at least I didn’t call it fun! 

Time for Melissa and Ade. They’ve had some pretty fortunate random picks. First they had contemporary and were awesome. Then they had jazz and did a good job with that. Last week they had a rumba and nailed it. Wow, they’re so lucky to not have gotten anything really hard hitting yet. 

This week the show is switching it up a little and giving them something out of their comfort zone. Kidding! No. This week they’ll be dancing a classical pas de deux. I have to say, it is so fortunate that the one girl who dances en pointe pulled from out of Nigel’s ass the hat a pas de deux. We just keep defying those odds tonight, don’t we?

Choreographing their pas de deux is Thordal Christensen. For those of you not familiar with the world of ballet, he is the artistic director of the L.A. Ballet and former artistic director of the Royal Danish Ballet. In other words, he’s no joke.

They’re dancing Romeo and Juliet which Melissa tells us has always been her dream. I myself always dreamed of dancing Giselle, but to each her own. Thordal doesn’t want them to play at being Romeo and Juliet he wants them to BE Romeo and Juliet. Anyone have any poison handy?

I really loved this. Of course, I love ballet, so that helps. But I thought they did a really good job on this. The only bad thing is that Ade didn’t really have too much to do. I mean, I understand that he isn’t classically trained, but the choreographer could have given him more to do than stand, walk and lift Melissa. The few times he did something else, he did them well. He was just very under utilized in this dance. 

Cat says millions of little girls are now asking their mums to sign them up for ballet lessons. That would be great. Nigel has to first stop and give himself a pat on the back because they are now doing classical ballet on the show. Yes, good for you Nigel, you are bringing ballet to the unwashed masses.

He thinks Melissa was superb. He thinks Ade’s feet could have been a little better, but his carriage, the way he lifted her, and everything else, was just beautiful. Mary also loved it, and thought it was really beautiful. They put her in a dream like state and she didn’t want to wake up.

Just five more minutes. Please? 

Mia is so excited to be celebrating classical dance on this program. She says classical ballet is the main form of dance that solidifies technique and strength and body alignment, and everything that makes you a great dancer. Even for hip hop dancers. Once they understand their body and their center, it changes everything.

I’m going to agree with her again. Do I think you can be a great dancer without any ballet training whatsoever? Yes. But if you take that great dancer and give them some core training, it will only make them better. It’s why dancers with technique have always done really well adapting to different styles on this show. They can translate the different movements into something they understand even if it’s the opposite of what they normally do. 

She loves that they danced it so beautifully. Yeah, it would suck if they had boned it, huh? Oh, and she also loves that it was a black and white Romeo and Juliet. Because you just never see that anywhere these days. This show is just so brave. 

She says you can’t fake classical ballet, it exposes everything. And they were brilliant. BRILLiant. Melissa? Brilliant. Brill. Yunt.

Shrill Cunt 

Before we get to the final dancers of the evening, Nigel has a special announcement he’d like to make. Together with Adam Shankman, Carrie Ann Inaba, and Katie Holmes (WTF?!?!), Nigel will be starting the Dizzy Feet Foundation. This foundation will award scholarships to talented under priveleged dancers who can’t afford dance classes. They’re going to start with ten kids. 

Ten? I do like the idea of this, but ten? It seems like so few. I really hope they plan to grow this thing. Adam mentions that they also want to create an accreditation program for teachers. THAT is a great idea. Just think of how many “dance teachers” we’ve seen audition for this show that were beyond awful. Those people are teaching someone’s kids how to dance. Badly. Well, hopefully not after being on this show, but you never know.

I think this is a great idea, but Dizzy Feet is a really really stupid name. But stupid name or not, I will always fully support something that wants to nurture the arts in our kids. The arts are always the first thing to get cut, and I have a real problem with that. ****stepping up on soapbox**** The arts are just as important to the growth of our children as anything else they will learn. The arts give us an outlet for our dreams and creativity.  Life without art would be bland and boring and very very sad. ****stepping down from soapbox.**** 

Okay, obviously I have very strong feeling about this. I think that this foundation is a great idea, and hopefully it will grow and be able to provide for more than just ten kids. And then Nigel announces that Katie Holmes will be performing on the show. Yeah, Nigel, we all had actually already heard about that. She’ll be doing a tribute to Judy Garland, choreographed by Tyce. Can’t hardly wait.

Back to dancing. Our last couple is Vitolio and Karla. They have had a rough time of it, being in the bottom two out of three times, both losing their partners, and now having to dance after a break in the action for an announcement. 

Oh! And it gets even better for them! They will be dancing a quickstep. Are you shitting me with this Nigel? Everyone else either gets something close to or in their genre, and these guys get the fucking quickstep? Un.  Fucking.  Believable.

Jean Marc will be choreographing them in a number danced to “Putting on the Ritz”. I love this song. This cover is by Rufus Wainwright. They start out with Vitolio as a statue in a museum. He comes to life to dance with Karla, and then this happens……..

Loved that! They actually do a really great job with this, proving that quickstep doesn’t have to be the scary dance that everyone thinks it is. They end the number with Karla taking Vitolio’s place on the pedestal, turning into a statue herself. I really really like this. A lot.

Nigel loved the choreography. And gives a shout out to Jean Marc. He also loved the dress change, which was really cool and unexpected. And he loved that you could keep a woman quiet with just a snap of the fingers. Why am I not surprised?

Of course this leads into a little bit with Nigel freezing Mary by snapping his fingers, Mia unfreezing her by clapping her hands, and then Nigel refreezing her with a snap of his fingers again. 

Hmmmmm……if this were the outcome, I might be able to get behind this whole idea. 

Nigel thought their quickstep and close hold were very good. The lines were good, but sometimes they took away from the style. He wanted to see more bounce in their Charleston. I agree. Mary thinks so much for the kiss of death dance. I think she should wait and see who’s in the bottom before she makes that pronouncement. She thought it was really well done.

Why is this douche nozzle on my TV? (The kid, not Jean Marc) 

Mia wants to say first of all that Jean Marc is a genius. This piece was amazing and brilliant. Amazing. She thinks that a choreographer can either make you or break you, and he made them. But she’s not taking away from what they did. But it’s all because of Jean Marc. They did good. But Jean Marc is phenomenal. Brilliant even.

You would have stunk up the joint without Jean Marc. 

She says that Vitolio confuses her. At times, not in this piece, but at times, he looks like a wild horse that cannot be tamed. All over the place. Then all of a sudden, he does a dance like this and she wonders if he’s the same person. “Consistency, sir.”

I’m stoned confused.  

Karla? You’re gorgeous. And scared looking sometimes. And that’s it for Karla from Mia.

Thus ends another performance show, Gasmi. What did you think? Who were your favorites? Who do you think should be in the bottom? I think it’s going to be a tough one this week. Unfortunately, I think Karla and Vitolio will be in the bottom even though they don’t deserve to be at all. Joining them? Well, probably Jason and Caitlin, because they seem to have the same trouble with getting people to vote for them, and their piece was weird. I think the third couple could be Melissa and Ade; I don’t know if a lot of people will vote for classical ballet. Honestly, I think Randi and Evan should probably be there. I love them, but theirs was one of the weakest of the night for me.

Well, I guess we’ll see on the results show! Hope to see you there!

SWAK, PottyMouth

P.S. – I hope you’re all having a wonderful fourth of July. Remember to wait thirty minutes after eating before dancing!