Ladies and Gentlemen – auditions are over and it’s time for So You Think You Can Dance – THE VEGAS CHRONICLES!!! It’s going to be blood, sweat, tears and treachery! FAAAAANTASTIC! At the end of it all – many will fall and only 20 will rise!
By the look of the amount of dancers there I’d say the theme of this year’s auditions were “No Child Left Behind” – there’s over 200 dancers! Each kid has a 1 in 10 chance! Or a 1 in 2 chance if they’re hot and/or look anything like Neil. Hollah!
Our judges for the final auditions are married Hip-Hopper’s Tabitha and Napoleon:
I’ve never seen two people that could look less the part of “Hip Hoppers”.
Mia Michaels, Mary Murphy, Nigel Lythgoe and Debbie Allen…
Who is being played by Robin Williams in “Good Morning Vietnam”.
Nigel tells the kids that this the time to be a “STAR” and if you’re not a “STAR” to “GET OFF THE STAGE”! Well then… I haven’t seen a shitty “welcome” like that since my first trip home from LA.
Welcome to Vegas… now get the F*CK out of my house!
The dancers learn that their first challenge is a Hip Hop routine from Tabitha and Napoleon. Rehearsal begins with Tabitha screaming “This is ‘So You Think You Can Dance’ – it’s not gonna be easy!!!” WOW! It’s like “Survivor” but with sequins and jazz hands!
During choreography – Robert – our pop-locker with detachable head, seems to be having worries about being able to compete since he’s NEVER LEARNED CHOREOGRAPHY BEFORE. Umm – WTF ARE YOU DOING THERE THEN?! I love these people that make it to Vegas and then are like “Wait – What?! I have to LEARN dance moves?!?!”
Nigel calls him out for thinking about quitting and asks him to perform his solo. To which Robert does – to which everyone begs him to stay…
To which he promptly tells everyone to read between these lines. And quits.
First line of dancers are up and the cutting begins! Just like that after a a lil’ hip hoppin’ – people are sent home packing. I’d be SO pissed if I got booted because of hip hop! Casualties included…
This season’s only big boy dancer… stripper DJ… and runner up for Madame Butterfly.
Dancers are freaking out that so many people are being cut – I’m excited! Less BS more dancing! This season has already toed the line with becoming a Dr. Phil show.
Meanwhile – the kids are so stressed they all take a pool break. Of course.
We shall call him, “Dances with White Face, Burnt Body”! BTW – I pray that’s not Mary’s sweat towel. Although it’s not caked with make-up.
After 2 seasons – our good friend Claire (once injured – then prego) has returned to Vegas and immediately falls apart during Hip Hop. Mary comments “She’s just a mess” to which Mia adds – “A HOT mess!” Nice Mia. She’s SUCH a bitch this year! Kind of like it though. Although she needs to get her OWN reality show catch phrase. Besides – she’s a HOT TRANNIE MESS!
We’re only at Day 2 and over 70 people have been sliced! Everyone was told to dress “sexy” for today’s auditions.
“I picked this because it’s really subtle about my talent.”
Today’s guest choreographer is Tyce DiOrio doing Broadway routines. Nigel is very excited about this and introduces him like Arsenio Hall. Hey Nigel – how did Tyce get this gig anyways?!?!
Oh right. Gotcha.
Erica is a super confident girl who’s convinced “she can dance”. And just to dash her hopes a bit, she gets partnered up with another girl for the broadway number. Afterwards – the judges compliment her partner on dancing the part of a man well – and then turn and cut Erica’s ass!
“I’m sorry…whhHHAAAA??!?” “Oh girl – she’s gonna lose it and accuse me of stealing her wallet.”
Another big round of people get through but they don’t show much other than Mary screaming and Nigel making non-sequtiors. Although that pretty much sums up every show. Welcome to “So You Think You Can Montage”.
Twin brothers Anthony and Antoine are getting nervous that they’ll be split up. Anthony ends up being the only one to make it from his group – leaving his twin Antoine to go home – alone…
“Blame it on the rain – yeah – yeaaaahhhh…”
Some nameless girl also has meltdown when she’s cut – crying about how she’s not going to have surgery just to be pretty enough to be on “SYTYCD”…
And you totally shouldn’t. I can think of plenty of dancers who’ve made it with your looks…
Case in point.
Some of the judge’s decisions are split on whether or not people should stay and at one point a faux cat-fight starts between Mia and Debbie over a contestant. If it were real I honestly don’t know who my money would be on. I guess Mia by size alone. But I bet Debbie wouldn’t be above punching her in the throat. Ahhh.. if only.
Day three brings us the frenchie choreographer, Jean-Marc Genereux who takes the dancers through a a foxtrot. Joshua, a hip hop dancer finds difficulty in it but finds comfort in his friend and fellow-contestant… Comfort. Chances that you’ll be in the top 20 and have a weird name: 100%. Our little southern Comfort is also from Texas and both her and Joshua make the best of le frog’s routine and make it through to the next level. They BURST into tears and it’s sweet to see someone truly appreciate it. Comfort thanks Jesus. I think that’s Spanish for “Nigel”.
Paige Jones, pageant queen and most likely to snap and take the whole pace down with her, has breezed through up until this point and is now struggling with the fox trot. She is NOT happy with her partner and she ends up hearing that famous phrase for the first time this year… “YOU WILL BE DANCING FOR YOUR LIFE!” God I hate that phrase. I feel like it shouldn’t be used unless there’s a trap door to a fire pit onstage.
Paige gets a second try but fails to WOW the judges – and they send her home! To which Paige replies…
“Jesus Christ has a plan for me.”
I’m sure he does. I’m sure he’s most worried about his plan for you. And I’m guessing it has something to do with…
You standing like this, tray in hand, saying “Would you like more nuts before we land in Texas?”
Paige then starts to cry and freak out and says “You’re not suppose to cry – and if you do – you do it in your room by yourself.” Oh pageant girls. You’re such good role-models. As she headed back to her room l could hear the producers thinking “Medic! We got a cutter!!!”
More and more people are axed and must dance for their lives. And Mia chastises a hot guy for taking off his shirt. Seriously Mia – you are SO close to getting on everyone’s shit-list this year.
Side note: Did anyone notice the cast on Nigel’s arm?!
I’m guessing it had something to do with Mary talking back to him.
And now my favorite part of reality competitions – group projects! Nothing makes people psycho-snap like being forced to work until 4am with people you’d rather cut off in traffic. The remaining kids are paired into groups and are given a random song to choreograph a group dance to. Again – I’d be so pissed! It’s 8pm and they drop this shit on them – which is due the next morning. They might as well have said “Hey – we just wanted to make you guys totally overtired and film you snapping like a fucking button. Thhaaaaaanks!”
BTW – has anyone noticed Cat’s been wearing alot of those shirts with a ring in the middle lately?
Before you die…you see the ring,,,
So apparently all the groups got barely any sleep and were up all night…
And it looks like…mmm gum…they all got very little sleep and…need fruit gum…and now they must dance for their lives…and GUM— wait – what the hell’s wrong with me?!? Damn you blatant advertising!
Some groups had too many ideas – some had to little. Most can’t work with others for shit. Twitch’s group is up first and his group is wearing all white. Unfortunately that’s the ONLY thing that’s coordinated about this group. Four of them do a shitty pairs routine and then the one girl comes out tapping at the end.
Mary calls it a “Hot Mess” and although I loathe her using that phrase – it really is. All the other judges agree but it’s only Asian Jason that’s asked to dance for his life. Or he’ll be shot dead. (Sorry – I can’t resist – that phrase is ridiculous.)
Other groups perform and the judges use the words “awful”, “horrible” and “worst of the day” – clearly the group numbers are a success! Group “Angels and Demons” had some trouble with group member Derek – being that he was a total A-hole and complained all night. Then he left early to go to bed. WTF?!?! Hey Derek – what do you think the final result of this is gonna be?!
Surprisingly enough – ALL the judges love the group number. Although it was to a U2 song – so really how could you hate it? Luckily for Derek and his big fat mouth – he slips through. I would have been the first one in the group to raise my hand and give an “Oh helllll no!”
Although Nigel does threaten to HUSH paddle him. No really. WTF is this show doing?!
Time for Asian Jason’s solo. I think he’s a good contemporary dancer – just not GREAT. The judges are all dramatic about their votes and he actually makes it through. Courtney Pearson does not though – and for some reason Cat decides to throw out that she’s a single mom. Any takers?! She needs a ride home!
Next up, time to learn… A MIA ROUTINE!!! WHAT?!?! AHHH!!! FUCKING PANIC! Mia teaches the routine in a tongue that I’m pretty sure is reserved to aboriginals and infants:
“Siss-boom-cha-cha-ting-ham sandwich-bop-booo-lop-lop whoosh!”
Liz the tap dancer is falling to pieces and apparently can’t handle dancing that has anything to do with anything above the ankles. She actually does alright and the judges are going to pass her through… until she starts giving a complete presentation about why she’s exhausted. I thought it really sucked because you could just tell she wanted it so bad and instead judges eat her alive for talking too much – Debbie Allen totally tears her a new ass about keeping her mouth shut. And they end up sending her home. Sad story! Booo!!!
Jeremiah is up next and is one of those guys that FLIPS out at not being PERFECT. They start the lyrical dance and after fucking up he just gives up and storms off stage. Enter Debbie Allen – who CHEWS HIM OUT (seems to be her new forte):
As well as playing with her head lice. Seriously! She picked at her hair the whole day! ICK!
And apparently Mia took a few bong hits during the break since all she can muster is “Duuuude – not cool dude!” They of course cut him and although he tries to leave with his dignity, thanking everyone, etc – the producers get great shots of him sobbing in the corner. This show has no soul.
All in all – 22 dancers – including Asian Jason – get cut because of Mia “Dude Where’s My Bowl?” Michaels. It comes down to a handful of people DANCING FOR THEIR LIVES! One dancer rips the crap out of something and falls to the stage – proving one could possible die while dancing for their life – OH THE IRONY! He just laid there – frantically waving for a medic:
I would’ve LOVED it if the judges were oblivious and just went “Yes – we can see you – HELLO – is this it!? Oh – this is just awful. STOP WAVING! DANCE ALREADY!”
They bring him to a chair and resident medicine woman, Debbie Allen, comes over and performs some sort of weird voo-doo hand massage on his leg:
I would not be happy with those nails being that close to my junk. Especially after I watched her picking at her scalp all day. Let’s just be glad the ambulance came before the happy ending.
The show must go on – and the other 8 must do their solos with the fear of a possible Debbie-rub-down looming over their heads. Twitch and Mark (two of my fav’s) make the cut!
The final crowd is brought onstage and told that the final step is their solo – and that’s it – the top 20 will be chosen from there. Dun dun duuuuunnnnn!!!! Aaaannd start the montage!!
The dancers all do their solos and look spastic and beautiful all at once. For me there’s one standout…
Anybody that pulls this shit deserves to be on the show. The only way I could ever do this is if I was up in the rafters and pushed off face first. Or if they threw a poundcake towards the ground and told me to chase after it.
After the solos, Cat introduces us to a new set-up for this season…
The mysterious HALL OF MONTAGES!
As dancers walk out to find if they’re in the top 20 – they must walk by montage clips of their first audition and last audition. So that’s 2 TV’s. WTF are they playing on the other 4 TV’s?!? Reruns of “I Love Lucy”? If it was me walking by I’d totally lose concentration and just start watching one of them. Maybe change the channel and see what else is on. Fuck these judges – “Judge Judy” is on!
Kelly is up first, daughter of Bonnie “You Might Have Heard of Her” Storey. SURPRISINGLY the judges turn her down!!! WHAT!?! I did NOT see that coming! However – Susie Garcia does make it…
Who shall henceforth be known as “Trannie Shakira”.
Next up – single twin Anthony – and he’s sent packing back to his other half. Bianca, the tap dancin’ queen, is also asked to pitter-pat her ass back home.
While letting William know whether he’s staying or not – Debbie Allen does what must be the most dramatic pause in “SYTYCD” history…
She seriously stayed like this for 10 seconds. I think she might have had a seizure and come back as Weezy from “The Jeffersons”.
Next up – one of the big personality stand-outs – Twitch! Last year Hok (rightfully) screwed him out of a spot. Aaaand – HE’S IN! Yeah Twitch! He’s so sweet and cute! I give him a week.
Next up – Kherington – and the only thing memorable about her is her name. The judges acknowledge that but put her through. Boo. She has to dance for her life if she wants my approval!
Chris J. might be the most middle-American looking contestant I’ve ever seen – he reminds me of vanilla icecream – sweet – but eh – not much there. Once they tell him he’s in, he totally lets the gay slip out. And suddenly we have someone interesting! He’s all sass-a-fras now!
Who’s got 2 pointer fingers and a subscription to “Details”? This guy!
The word of the day is “Today”. As in “Today it’s a no for you” and “We’re not asking you in the top 20 today”. It’s sweet. Gives them hope. And is a last ditch effort at avoiding any “SYTYCD”-related murder-sprees. Although with EVERY “yes” they give, they do the whole deal where they make them think it’s a no and then say it’s a yes – also known as the MINDFUCK. Ugh. I’d be pissed.
Our good friend William gets a spot in the top 20 but in doing so – Debbie Allen cannot be a judge during the season while he’s on – since she trained him. DAMN IT! You better be good Wiliam! You know how much crazy you’re denying us?!
The final spot is between Brandon and Gev:
Take a guess which one has not eaten their Wheaties.
The judges end up going with the pastey, but likeable Gev – which is really putting alot on him since Brandon was amazing. Better step it up and dance Gev!!!! Oops. Wrong show.
The final two girls are Katee and Natalie – best friends and roommates. Only one will make it. (Ugh – I really hope they didn’t make it all this way just so the producers could craft this moment. UGH.) Nigel asks if they would return next year if they didn’t make it – and Katee opens up her big stupid mouth and says “NO”. OY! Seriously?!?! Who the fuck taught you that telling the truth is helpful in reality competitions?!?!? This of course sends the judges into an uproar that somebody wouldn’t devote their entire life to trying out for “SYTYCD” every year over and over until they make it.
Ok – now take a guess which roomie just fucked themselves right out of the competition.
Mia freaks and says she’s “Turned off.” Nigel ends up sending the girls away so the judges can have another vote. The re-vote ends up with Katee again though – and all is wrong with the world of “Dance” once again. Smiley, happy Natalie is sent back to an empty apartment – to watch her roomie on the show every night – while she curses her and searches craiglist for “SWF, Non-Smoker/Backstabbing Bitch.”
And there we have it – our top 20 dancers! The show caps off with everyone’s favorite “Snuggle” dance. This segment would have been much better if it was sponsored by Mydol.
That’s it folks! What do you think of the top 20?!? The good? The bad? The hot? Most likely to be marred by a scandal within the first week?! Let me know and DISH IT!