So You Think You Can Dance: Re-Writing History

Welcome to the fall season of So You Think You Can Dance (dance…..dance)! Are we back again already? I hope Jeanine enjoyed the whole five minutes she had to be America’s favorite dancer. 

I’m just happy Nigel isn’t oogling my boobs anymore! 

This week we start the audition rounds. And while only one hour of auditions this week may sound like a great thing, don’t celebrate yet because we have six more weeks of this to look forward to before we get to the top twenty. I honestly don’t know if that’s better or worse.

We open with a dramatic montage of the past five seasons, along with their champions. Followed by clips of people falling. Because, you know, it’s the fall season. Get it? Get it? I’d be annoyed, but I love watching people fall on their asses. Wanna see it again?

I’ve watched this at least ten times and it still cracks me up. 

I’m going to skip over all the previews they’re showing us of the auditions they’ll show us again in the next six weeks to come. Some of which we’ve already seen during season five. Let’s get to the auditions proper, shall we?

Tonight we’re in Los Angeles, and as the judges make their way over to the judges table, I can’t help but wonder……

Why didn’t Adam go potty before the auditions started? 

AND 

WTF is on her dress? Is it a crossword puzzle?  

Is there anyone watching that doesn’t know how the auditions work? Alright. Just in case we have any newbies here…..

Contestants will perform their solo in front of the judges. If they’re awesome; ticket to Vegas.  If they suck they’ll be sent home, hopefully to never return again. And if the judges are on the fence , they’ll go to the choreography round where Pasha and Anya will put them through the paces.

For all you Pasha fans. 

Get it? Got it? Good. Up to audition first is young hopeful Cole Clemens. He tells us that it’s very import-tant to be distinctive, especially in a competition like this. He doesn’t want to say that he is THE trend setter, but he’s always kinda been along those lines.

I can’t wait til this ‘do catches on 

He’s hoping that Nigel says to him, “You’re very unique and I hope to keep you around.” Cole also thinks that Nigel can learn from him and he’ll learn from them. I have learned all I need to about this nutjob.

Nigel cues the music, but no music starts. Cole starts with no music, choosing instead to dance to the voices that talk to him inside his head. Nigel cues the music again. Cole keeps going, and Mary wonders if he’s doing it without music. Why yes, yes he is Mary. 

Cole is now randomly reciting some of his head voice words like “allure”, ‘seduce”, and “shatter, shatter, shattershatter”. I’m getting into this at home, throwing out my own words like “wacko”, “bi-polar” and “cuckoo, cuckoo”.

Do we really need to start this way? You know this guy is either one of those joke auditions, or even worse, he really thinks he’s great. 

By the time he gets to the end of his audition, all three judges are cracking up. Mary says it was certainly unusual, Nigel thinks it felt a bit off-off-Broadway. Adam thinks it’s so far off Broadway, it’s in Cleveland. Hee.

Obviously he doesn’t make it through, but I do have to say that he took it much better than I thought he would. The voices must have been using soothing words as the judges were talking to him.

“Valium, percocet, lithium.” 

Up next is Mollee Gray. We’ve already seen this girl. She was shown during one of the season six preview fillers last season. Mollee’s from Utah, and has been a principal dancer in High School Musical (one, two and three). She wasn’t getting much work in Utah, so they literally packed their bags, put them in the trunk, got in the car and drove to California.

They have no furniture, just their suitcases and air mattresses. And food. Mollee then tells us about how her and her mom are like two peas in a pod. “She even looks like me!”

Hey dipshit! Your mom was here before you were. You look like HER. 

We get to hear about how much Mollee’s mom has sacrificed for her daughter’s dance, at times working three jobs and picking and moving away from all her friends. I’d be more interested to hear about how her little brothers feel about being uprooted from their lives for her dance career.

She’s dancing to some angsty cover of “Against All Odds.” UGH. I am SO OVER all these morose remakes of songs I really like. It immediately pisses me off. While she’s dancing Adam says, “She is so this show.”

There’s no denying that this girl has talent and technique. But I thought the audition piece was a bit all over the place, and even a little clunky in some parts. And she had no connection to the audience at all. In that way she reminded me a bit of Kayla. Except when Mollee’s not dancing she’s so over the top sweet that my tooth aches just looking at her.

I’ve now got four cavities just from writing this recap. 

Adam is a huge fan because cotton candy is his favorite. Mary thinks she’s adorable and that she would do well on the show and grow a great deal. Nigel loves her personality at the front of the stage, but says she was manic when she was dancing. She has to make sure that her personality show through at all times. That said, she’s going straight through to Vegas. Is it really mean that I sort of can’t wait for Mia to get a hold of her?

Mollee’s audition starts a run of good performers, beginning with some dude in mustard yellow dance shorts, going on to Amanda Kirby who I think is the girl that hurt herself in Vegas a couple of years ago, had a kid, then came back. And now is back again. I think. There’s also a guy named Brandon that I wish they’d have shown more of. All three make it through to Vegas.

Tap time. Outside it seems that Ryan Kasprzak and Bianca Revels have reconnected. You may or may not remember Ryan. He auditioned with his brother last year and the show would like us to believe that the last spot in the top twenty was down to the two brothers. 

He likes to think that he was America’s twenty-first favorite dancer last year, and is hoping to improve upon that this year. I’d like to remind Ryan that getting to the top twenty has nothing to do with being America’s favorite, as evidenced by some of the people that have made it through in past years.

Any questions? 

Cat tells us that Bianca also knows how painful it can be to miss out on a spot in the top twenty. Last year she was sent home during Vegas week and at that time she said she would not be back again. I’m glad to see that was frustration and fatigue talking. She says she’s not a quitter, and she’s going to keep coming back until they get tired of her.

Ryan says he was so convinced that either he or Bianca were going to make it onto season five. He’s hoping as a consolation that they’ll both make it for season six. Yeah, I wouldn’t hold your breath, Ryan.

I think there is no way in hell that Nigel is going to put Ryan in the top twenty this year. Evan made it further than any of the judges wanted him to, and I think they’ll be afraid of the same thing happening again this year. We all know he makes it through to Vegas, but I anticipate a shocking cut a la Natalie last year to get him out.

As he gets ready to take the stage for his audition Cat says he knows that a tapper has never made it into the top twenty. That. Is a Lie.

Meet Sandra Colton, season 1 contestant 

Well, I guess it isn’t a complete lie that no tapper has ever made the top twenty given that season one had only a top sixteen. But I think it’s absolute crap that the show has decided to ignore the fact that she went on as a tapper and was in fact in the top group competing. I personally didn’t think Sandra was a great tapper, but that doesn’t matter. A tapper has been part of the top contestants before. The end.

Anyway, Ryan takes the stage for his audition, and does a tap/spoken word piece. It’s a little schmaltzy for my taste, but I forgive him because he’s such a good tapper. Though I do wonder if someone the judges had never seen before would have gotten away with an audition like this.

Adam has messed his pants watching Ryan, and tells him that he’s not a dancer, he’s a freaking artist. And a poet apparently. Oh, and it’s the best audition that Adam has ever seen on the show. Of course it is. Mary thought it was wonderful and she loves his tapping.

Nigel agrees with Adam in that he thinks that it was one of the most unique and brilliant auditions they’ve ever seen. He says the class that Ryan’s feet have got has always been there, but now he has grown in himself enormously. Probably by auditioning for the show. I’m sure he would have never grown without you, Nigel. And he’s off to Vegas.

Now it’s Bianca’s turn. Nigel welcomes her back and then talks about battles that they’ve done on the show. Would she be up for a tap battle? Yep. And gee golly willikers, I wonder whoever will she battle against?

“Uh, Nigel? In tap we call it trading, not battling.” 

Don’t make me take that ticket back, smartass. 

They are so great to watch. I love what they come up with, and how each plays off of what the other has done before. Bianca throws in some really interesting wings, and you just know she’s going to make it through to Vegas as well. Wanna see it again?

I will say, her upper body is a bit slouchy for me, but that can happen with a lot of tappers since it’s more about their feet than their upper body. Hopefully she can overcome that. 

They have made Adam speechless, but not really because he doesn’t stop talking. He says that was the most fun he has ever had on this show. Nigel thanks Ryan as he heads off the stage, and then asks Bianca what those things were called that she was doing. “Wings.” What else has wings, he wonders. Oh can it, Nigel. Just say she’s going to Vegas. 

And then Ryan tries to rap. Emphasis on the try. Yes, it’s true. White boys can’t rap. Especially when they are balding, tapping white boys.

“Cause this is season six, gotta get my dance fix, we’re doing the remix, I’m going top twenty and I’m gonna kick, uh, pick up sticks….”  

That was painful. But not as painful as the next montage which has the theme of people forgetting their lines. You know because it’s L.A.(me) But what this is really doing is leading up to the next idiotic audition. 

Meet Christopher Aguilar. He has a plan. Wanna hear it? Well, too bad. I had to sit through this and so do you. His plan is to produce a film. He’s playing the main part. He’s inspired by Ginger Rogers and Fred Astaire, and just like totally embodying all their spirits. And then making a whole new film. Bullshit.

Christopher’s real plan is to be as idiotic as possible in the hopes that it will garner him more camera time. And whadda ya know? It works. When it’s finally time for him to actually audition, it’s just as bad as you knew it would be.

 

Says you. I’ve just got to have him for my next musical. 

I think you’ve spent a little too much time in the sun recently, Hugh. 

Adam thinks it’s always a little bit awkward when a male performer chooses to perform a piece that’s a woman’s piece. Well, Christopher’s thesis is around changing a male character to a female character. No wait! Changing the female character to a male character and seeing how that affects the story or doesn’t at all.  Sounds riveting. And stupid.

Adam says that it would greatly affect the story. And he finds it off putting. He says that the piece also exposed that he is technically very very weak. Nigel calls him out on almost falling, and Mary says he is not a very strong dancer. It’s a no from all of them. I for one am just shocked.

Why couldn’t we see some of the choreography round instead of being subjected to fame whores and crazy people? That’s a rhetorical question.

Day two of L.A. auditions. Oh crap. I guess we’re starting day two with a fucking sob story. Excuse me while I go get my barf bag. Amber Williams tells us that when she was ten her mom had surgery to remove a cyst on her spine, and ended up being paralyzed from the waist down. I’m completely distracted because I think Amber looks like one of Run DMC’s daughters.

Doesn’t she? 

Her mom was devastated, and wondered what was going to happen to her kids. Amber says she had to grow up fast and take care of her mom. Awwww. And blarf. And awww again. I’m glad she’s seemed to step up to the plate and help her mom, but that’s gotta be a hard thing to take on as a ten year old.

I’m sorry to say that I wasn’t crazy about her. Her feet were weird for me; when they were pointed, they were great, but then she’d do this weird flexing thing to get out of one of her poses, and she lost me. Her upper body also needs work; she’s way too tense to the point of seeming at times to have no neck, with her shoulders up around her ears. Meh.

Nigel says he was just getting into her performance and then she stopped. He thought it was so beautiful. 

He’s obviously drunk 

He thinks she did some beautiful things there and that’s she’s so light on her feet. But he needs to see the light and smile on her face during performance that she has right now.

Have another drink, Nigel.

Mary thinks she had beautiful technique and thinks that she is a force to be reckoned with. Adam says she blew him away, and she should feel incredibly proud of herself. Nigel thinks it’s an accomplishment when you can get Mary Murphy talking about the quietness of something. But Mary’s still talking, so I disagree. Amber’s going to Vegas. Maybe I’ll like her more once she gets there.

Cat tells us that as morning turned into afternoon, the girls were showing they had star quality. Like Alexie Agdeppa who Nigel says dances with every part of her essence.

They make a deodorant for that, I think. 

And Paula van Oppen who some of you may remember from last year’s Vegas round. She’s the annoying pixie haired crier who said she should have never let her team go to bed. I have to admit, she’s good, but that won’t make up for it if she’s as annoying as I think she will be.

Both girls get tickets to Vegas, and we head into a commercial break. And what a break it is.…… 

 

I’m camping out on Monday night! Anyone wanna join me?  

Even Cat’s into it! 

Cat tells us that so far day two has been all about the contemporary dancers. Shocking, I know. Hoping to switch it up a little is salsa dancer, Christina Santana. But she’s not just any salsa dancer, oh no. Christina likes to mix in a little bit of hip hop, and some pooping popping and locking.

I really did not like that at all. You know, hate is a strong word, but I think I’m gonna have to go with it on this one. That was fucking terrible. Nigel wants to know what her partner’s name is. It is Pepe (Le Pew). 

Sacre Maroon! 

Nigel asks why he isn’t auditioning, and Pepe (Le Pew) answers him, but I have no idea what he is saying. Right now I’m thinking how awesome it would be if Nigel gave Pepe (Le Pew) a ticket to Vegas and told Christina to hit the road. Just like in Fame, remember?

“I’m young and single and I loves to mingle.” 

How awesome would that have been? But he lets Pepe (Le Pew) slip right through his fingers. Nigel thinks that Christina put a smile on everyone’s face around there. I thought it was because they were all trying not to laugh out loud. He thinks it was thrilling to watch.

Still drunk 

Mary thinks she’s absolutely fabulous.

We beg to differ 

Mary thinks goes on to say the tricks were all great and everything was on time. Well, I do have to give her points for punctuality, then. Mary wants to know if she does other styles. Christina says she does ballet (pronouncing the t) and jazz and belly dancing. Nigel’s boner comes put to play on that one saying she’s got his vote.

Adam asks her for a demonstration, which she does as they hum that song. The belly dancing one. You know the one. He says he’s going to have to the gym for like two months to find some of that core strength that she has. She’s going to Vegas. I really don’t understand that one. At all.

Time for a montage of crappy dancers…..

And then we meet Phillip Attmore. Phillip is another tapper and Cat reminds us (incorrectly) that in five seasons a tapper has never made the top twenty. Phillip tells us he used to bone room with Ryan Kasprzak while they were on tour with Fosse. 

Cat wants to know some dirt on Ryan. Such as, does he change his socks (he does), and are they very stinky? Nope, he showers. Phillip tells us that Ryan has a happy face on his butt, and Cat would like for him to draw it for her.

I hope it looks better than that. 

Phillips tells us he lives to perform and that the stage is like a second home for him. I immediately hate the shit brown pants he chosen to wear for his audition.

I’ll tell you what, I think this guy’s faces are cheesy as hell, but boy can he tap. He has got to have some of the cleanest sounds I’ve ever heard. I’m very pleasantly surprised because I was prepared to really hate him, but he’s real REAL good. Now he just needs to work on losing some of that smarm.

Nigel thought it was absolutely superb. He thinks this is the year of the tappers. Yeah, we’ll see if more than one makes it into the top twenty. Nigel confirms that Phillip knows Ryan, asking if they’ve danced together.

Does slow dancing in the moonlight count? 

Mary also thinks he’s fabulous and she hopes he makes it all the way. Adam agrees and thinks it was a magnificent performance. He’s also impressed by how clean the taps were. Of course he’s going to Vegas!

The solo auditions are over, and after a brief glimpse at the choreography round…

we’re told that ten more people made it through. Although we were never told how many made it straight through, so I’m not sure why they bothered.

So that’s a wrap on the first audition show. What did you think, Gasmi? Anyone stand out for you so far? Did you like the new one hour format, or are you missing four hours of auditions in one week? Next week we’re heading off to Phoenix where we’ll see Mia, b-boys and same sex ballroom dancing. Until then……

SWAK, PottyMouth