So You Think You Can Dance: Screaming For Attention

Time for the second hour of auditions on So You Think You Can Dance (dance…….dance)! Cat tells us that this is shaping up to be the best season ever. Of course it is. Don’t you know that every season of this show is the Best Season Ever? It’s as if Ming the Merciless has emptied their memories after each season so that they have no recollection of anything good that’s gone before.

Those pitiful humans will never remember Danny or Travis or Blake! Mwahahahahaha!  

This week’s auditions take us to Phoenix, Arizona. I’ve never been to Phoenix. But I’ve heard that it is beautiful there. And hot as hell. What else have I heard about Phoenix? Ummmm, their basketball team is called the Suns, it’s hot, they have scorpions and black widow spiders there, it’s hot, there’s cacti, and it’s hot. 

I get sleepy in the sun 

In case you haven’t already realized just how hot it is there, the show plays that song about how hot it is getting in here, so you should take off all your clothes. You know, there are some people in this world that should just keep their clothes on at all times. And others that should, at the very least, never wear a shirt again.

Noooooo! Don’t put that shirt back on!! 

This week Nigel and Mary are joined at the judges’ table by resident bitch, Mia Michaels. Hopefully she remembered to take her meds this morning.

Cat reminds us yet again how the auditions are going to work. I’m so looking forward to hearing this four more times. But at least they take this opportunity to show us a little glimpse of Pasha and Anya again this week. I guess I can forgive Cat for the repetition as long as she adds in some Russian eye candy.

Cat, I’m sorry, can you tell us again how the audition process works?? 

She ignores me, telling us we are ready to get started. First up is a duo who tell us people call them Shorty and Biggie.

I wonder which is which? 

They feel the need to spell out for us where they’re from: Oklahoma Tulsa. Perhaps they are dyslexic dancers. I’m thinking we should give them the benefit of the doubt. Cat asks them how they got there. They drove. It’s supposed to take about fifteen hours, but it took them nineteen hours.

We couldn’t find no Arizona Phoenix on our map! 

And they also almost hit a deer. But they’re so slow the deer was actually able to leap out of their way in time. Shorty tells us that they’re energetic and fun, so they’re going to be moving the stage today. I’m sure with Biggie bouncing around up there the whole auditorium will be moving.

Ugh. These guys are not good. As if we couldn’t tell from their dopey intro package. They seem to be having fun goofing around, but all I can think right now is that I’d rather be seeing someone who is actually good than watching these buffoons clown around.

Nigel doesn’t know anybody that watched that that didn’t enjoy it. He obviously doesn’t know many people. He wants to know what got the pair of them together. I don’t care!! Just tell them they weren’t good and let’s move along already!

Not gonna happen. Nigel says if you break down what they did into styles the tutting that Biggie was doing wasn’t very good, and he thinks Shorty’s technique is much stronger. He thinks that together they are a great act; he just doesn’t know where to go with it. I do!

Mary thinks that they’re adorable, and it was a lot of fun. Mia thinks dance wise it isn’t strong enough, but she loves them. Yeah. This is the epitome of what is wrong with Mia. She loves a couple of idiots fucking around on stage, but tells an awesome kid that what he brings as an artist annoys the crap out of her.

Yeah, I’m still pissed at you.

Nigel and Mia send them through to choreography. I guess they’re thinking that by the time the choreography round comes around, they’ll all need a good laugh. I think it’s pretty crappy because we all know they’re not going to be able to keep up. 

Looks like I’m not the only one who’s still pissed at Mia. 

Did you know it’s hot in Phoenix? Just making sure someone told you. Up next is Sasha Mallory. She got straight through to Vegas on season four, but she was still trying to find herself. She’s more comfortable now because her family is here. Presumably to find her should she get lost again.

She’s actually very sweet, tearing up as she talks about how amazing her family is and how much she loves them. Awww, I do love a supportive family. She thinks it’s awesome that they’ve all stopped their lives for the time it took to be here with her for this audition. I think it’s sweet, and I love that she actually appreciates them for that.

I was worried for a minute because she had that chair out there with her, but I really love this audition. I love the moments she took in the chair, articulating the music with just her hands or feet at times, and letting her musicality really show through. I think the thing I really like the most, is that she didn’t just cram the audition full of tricks. I’m betting she’s gonna be one to watch.

Nigel says he thought some of that was very good and very clever, but he’d like to hear Mia’s thoughts.  Mia thought it was a good combination because she showed her technique (really strong), she danced and took up the stage; she thought it was a really strong solo.

Mary says it was just really so beautiful, and Sasha starts to cry. Nigel asks if she doesn’t like compliments? And she tells them she’s all choked up because her whole family is there. So Nigel tells them (jokingly) to get out. He hopes her family is very very proud of her. I hope she doesn’t plan on doing too much more of this crying crap.

Don’t aggravate me, please 

Of course you know she’s going straight to Vegas. Hopefully she won’t be an emotional wreck while she’s there because I like her, but nothing irritates me more than a chronic crier. 

Cat tells us that the first woman of the day really “brought the heat” and as the day went on the female talent continued to “sizzle”. Boy, she is really on fire today, isn’t she?

We see two more strong contemporary girls get put straight through to Vegas before moving on to this week’s sob story.

Meet Allison Becker. She was diagnosed with spinal meningitis when she was sixteen months old. The doctors told her parents that she was going to either be deaf, be blind, or she was going to die. Allison feels very fortunate that out of the three choices, she ended up being deaf. 

Is anyone else completely annoyed that they have subtitles under her the entire time? I think she speaks very well, and I have no problem understanding her, so I thought it was obnoxious to subtitle her. Then again, this show subtitles anyone with the slightest accent, so I guess I shouldn’t read too much into it, huh?

Cat wonders how she dances if she’s hearing impaired.

I’m wondering who the hell the this other chick is  

Allison tells Cat she feels the music, the vibrations help her keep on beat and on rhythm. She does not however let us know who the chick sitting next to her is. Allison! I need to know these things!

Allison would like to be a role model for hearing impaired, saying nothing should stop you, and if someone doubts you, you should go out there and prove them wrong. I REALLY hope she’s good.

Thankfully, she is pretty good. I don’t think she’s good enough to make it to the top twenty, but I think she’ll definitely get through to Vegas.  She’s also definitely going to have to hear lip-read about how awesome and inspirational she is. 

Nigel asks her if she lip reads while flipping her off.

I’m guessing she knows sign language, Nigel 

He tells her she had beautiful movement, beautiful flow of movement, and her face was beautiful. He thought her love of what she’s doing really came across. Her technique was not as good as he would like it to be. 

He’s not sure if it’s difficult for her to dance, but it doesn’t show if it is. If it wasn’t written on the piece of paper in front of him that she’s hearing impaired, he never would have known. And then he blows her a kiss saying, “Much love.” 

I wonder why my skin is crawling? 

Mary is going to agree with everything Nigel just said. She knows it hasn’t been easy, and that many people have doubted her. She says something about how her cousin was in the same position as Allison but where Allison has not given up, Mary’s cousin didn’t make it. I’m confused as to what exactly happened with Mary’s cousin, but one the one thing that is very clear is that her cousin is dead.

Mary wants Allison to know that what she is doing here will make a tremendous difference, and really already has. And although Mary may be crying now, she is really very happy.

Mia asks what it is that inspires Allison to dance. For Mia herself, the music is such a powerful force, what is it for Allison? Allison tells her it’s music for her as well, she just hears it differently. You tell her, Allison!

Nigel wants to know how she’s going to be if they put her through to choreography. She tells him with a quiet confidence that she’ll “be great.” And off she goes to the choreo round.

We’re moving right along into another potential for Nigel to say something stupid. This time it’s come in the form of same sex ballroom dancing couple, Willem de Vries and Jacob Jason. Someone in production went to that court appointed diversity class, because this year we are not greeted by the sound of “It’s Raining Men” at the sight of these guys.

Willem tells us that they’ve actually known each other for a long time, growing up in the dance world, but it was at the audition for season two that they ended up dancing in line together. From there they’ve gone on to compete together in the Latin category winning a U.S. title and a gold medal for the U.S. at the World Out Games.

These guys are here to show America that there is a world of same sex dancers out there. And I’m guessing they’d also like us to know that not all of them suck as much as Mitch and Misha.

Nigel says to Mary that he has to admit they have great lines. And Mia cries.

Or she’s just making faces at them. Rude! 

There’s no way Nigel is critiquing them first, so he goes straight over to Mary. She says she can understand why Mia is welling up, and she is very proud of them. She says their audition showed all the emotion and passion, in a strong way. It had great line(s), great technique. Well done.

Mia celebrates the courage that they have to just expose themselves and their hearts and their passion, and who they are. Excuse me while I go barf.

Nigel thanks them for showing him that same sex ballroom can be very strong and very good. He says he got himself into trouble last year by saying he wanted the guys to dance with girls. Ummm, I think it’s more how you said it, and your general demeanor about the whole thing than what you actually said, Nigel. He wants these guys to do the choreography to see if there is any difference in how they handle that. So glad to see he’s learned his lesson.

I’d like to see if you run screaming from the room rather than touch a girl. 

Willem tells Nigel that they actually both do enjoy dancing with girls as well. Nigel’s all, “Yeah. Yeah.” You know he’s gonna have to see that to believe it. You’d think that the only gay dancers are those that do same sex ballroom. I mean, shit, how many gay dancers are there in the dance world? Does Nigel question their ability to dance with girls? He’s so dumb.

Because we’ve had a few good auditions, it’s now time for a crappy one. We wouldn’t want you to think that everyone who auditions is good, right? This guy is Jonathan Noronha who not only dances badly, but shakes around some spirit sticks while doing so.

He sucks so badly that he actually drops one of his spirit sticks doing nothing more difficult than hitting them together while skipping around the stage. That is totally super bad luck you guys. At one point his song spells out disco and he stands in place holding up a piece of paper with each letter on it. Except for the O. He’s so clever; he’s substituted a picture of Mary for the O. A true artist at work.

At least if it was a picture of her screaming her mouth would have made an O. Lame. O. 

Nigel is really happy he came down, and thought there was a lot of fun in there. But it isn’t right for this show. Really? Mary would like him to rethink the outfit. If he comes back again. Oh, I’m sure he will now, thanks Mary. Mia thinks he might want to figure out one state to dance in next time. Ah, he already did. It’s called the state of delusion. 

That’s the end of the solos for day one in Phoenix, and thirty dancers have been asked to stay for choreography.

Doesn’t it seem rather silly to send the same sex ballroom couple who specialize in Latin ballroom to the choreography round for Latin ballroom? Oh wait. I forgot. It’s about whether or not they can control their gag reflexes as they dance with icky girls. Sorry.

Biggie bails, leaving Shorty behind to try on his own. But never fear! Biggie tells us that if Shorty makes it to Vegas he’ll probably go with him. Don’t worry, Biggie, I’m sure you’ll both be heading back to Oklahoma Tulsa very very soon. 

After an hour of rehearsal, the judges are ready to see what they can do. Shorty gets the boot. Allison gets a ticket to Vegas (duh) as well as Jacob and Willem and twelve other dancers.

Who in their excitement seem to have forgotten that you actually need the ticket to get on the plane. 

Wow! This show even has its own airline now! COOL!! 

Phoenix. Day two. And it’s time to bring on the crazy. And annoying.

And possibly mentally challenged. 

Meet Jarvis Johnson. He’s excited. Did you know he’s excited? He’s really excited. Do you know how you can tell he’s so excited? Well, there are a couple of cues. First of all, the show is helpfully playing “I’m So Excited”. Also, he’s running around like a maniac while periodically screaming.

If I was his mom, I would fucking smack him daily. 

He tells us that people say he’s very hyper. I think those people are trying to be kind. People think that he needs to be on medicine, but he thinks god has given him all this energy for a reason. Perhaps it is because he hates Jarvis’ neighbors.

Cat wants to know why he’s so excited. Can he explain how he’s feeling? He says he’s always excited because you never know what a person is going through. If he’s down and they’re down, you just have two down people. But if he’s up and they’re down then maybe he can pick them up. Or maybe he’ll just drive them into a homicidal rage and they’ll end up killing everyone in the nearby vicinity. I think someone should check out murder statistics and Jarvis’ proximity to them immediately before the killing started.

More shots of him jumping around and screaming like an imbecile. And rolling around and screaming like an idiot. He is gonna do a back flip if they give him a ticket to Vegas. He ain’t never done a back flip before, but he will back flip. And I was going to transcribe his incessant babbling here, but I really just can’t bring myself to listen to it anymore. The rage was getting too strong to fight off anymore. My neighbors thank you for your understanding.

Please jab both of those thumbs into your eyes. Thanks! 

He runs up onto the stage screaming (natch) and saying, “Look at this stage! Look at this stage! Look at this stage!” And then bouncing around and screaming some more. Nigel quickly cues his music before the screaming can continue.

He’s actually not as bad as I thought he was going to be. I’m sure he’s a lot of fun out at the clubs and at all the special needs dances. He’s got high energy (of course), and at one point dances out of his shoes, which I hate to admit made me smile.

Nigel calls him a dancing fool. Mary thinks that was so frantic, there’s no clarity in anything he’s doing up there. And then he screams and claps like an idiot. Again. Mia liked two things. She loves when he danced out of his shoes, and she loved when he was smacking his own ass. I wish he had been smacking his own face.

Or hers. That would be okay too. 

Mia passes on him for choreography but tells him he is sunshine. Mary can’t get enough sunshine so she wants to see him do choreography. Nigel knows they might need a laugh or two by the end of the day, so he moves him into the choreography round but tells him if he doesn’t pick it up quickly enough, Nigel will ask him to leave. Jarvis acknowledges this by screaming.

From Jarvis it’s only natural that we’d move on to a montage of sucky auditions.

Just as Nigel appears to have lost all faith, along comes Kelsey White.

She’s not quite as good as you would think given that they’ve put her after a bunch of wacked out auditions, but she’s not awful either. Her center is off causing her to fall out of her pirouettes, and her arms and hands are too tense. She’s just okay for me. But she’s got the kind of look that Nigel likes, so she just may get a plane ticket.

Nigel asks if she’s ever had aliens kidnap her. Only once. I think she might be serious. Anyway, it looks like that is the final nutjob straw for Nigel and he gets up and walks backstage. Mary and Mia giggle and wonder what they’re supposed to do, but never fear! Nigel wouldn’t leave the decision up to them. He yells from backstage “Yes to choreography!” I was wishing they’d send her home or right through just to fuck with him.

Up next is Jonathon “Legacy” Perez who is here today to share his talents to the world. One of which is a cartoon voice.

And perhaps something impressive below the belt. At least he seems to think so. 

Cat asks when he started dancing. When he was fifteen. And where did he learn to dance? On the street.

I was his teacher. 

 

He’s good, but I think we’ve had other b-boys on this show who have been much MUCH better. He also seems to be cocky as hell. I dunno, there’s just something about him I don’t like already. Is it too much to wish that one of the guys from Quest Crew would audition? Steve! I’m talking to you! Or anyone from Fanny Pak! Please? 

Nigel says they know he assisted Lauren in the choreography round last year. Well, now you know he’ll make it through. Probably all the way to the top twenty. And I have even more reason to dislike him. Nigel thinks he’s tremendous. 

He thinks it will be interesting to see what other kinds of styles he can do. Mary thinks he’s probably one the most exciting b-boys she’s seen. She likes his personality up there and the fact that he does it with such confidence.

Mia calls him a powerhouse. She’s heard about how good he is, and Wow. He’s stupid. Real stupid.

You would know 

He’s going straight to Vegas. And we’re going to the choreography round. Remember Jarvis? He collapses on stage during the choreography round, and a paramedic, Cat and what looks to be a fellow auditioner try to help him.

I wonder if that guy got a ticket to Vegas? 

He leaves the stage crying instead of screaming. And the bitch in me smiled just a little, I have to admit. But don’t fret; he’s back to his annoying self in no time. And there he goes, driven off by his invisible mom and dad, hopefully to never be seen by us again.

Only five dancers make it through, but UFO girl Kelsey is not one of them. Mary does tell her that they want to see her back again, so maybe she’ll take some more classes and come back stronger in a year or two.

And that wraps up the Phoenix auditions. What did you think, Gasmi? See anyone you really liked? Really hated? Did Jarvis annoy you as much as he annoyed me? Were you impressed with “Legacy”, or did you instinctively dislike him like I did? Next week we’re heading to beantown for a little East coast attitude and I can’t wait. Until then….

SWAK, PottyMouth