So You Think You Can Dance: Whimsical Is Just Another Word For Annoying Idiot I Want To Punch In The Face

This week So You Think You Can Dance (dance……….dance) takes us to the city of Boston for the third round of auditions. Of course, this leads to a clip of a bunch of people saying pahk the cah in Hahvahd Yahd. Because that’s just what you do when you’re in Boston. Wicked.

We also get to revisit one of the annoying auditions that they showed us during season five. This one is the guy that tells us his personality is whimsical and doncha know, he’s got the bowtie and golf pants to prove it!

Voted Most Likely to Irritate 

Cat tells us that this is the first time they have taken the auditions to Boston, and she wonders if the dancers here will make history. I am wondering when someone is going to tell Cat she needs to stop styling herself. Her fashion choices are so distracting.

This time she’s just thrown on a peach bathrobe and some hideous necklace made for her by the local school for the blind. 

Here in Boston, Nigel and Mary are joined by none other than Sir Bitchypants Tyce Diorio. Oh Goody. I do so look forward to watching him mug for the cameras.

Do you remember how the auditions work? Oh, okay. I’ll tell you again since you never seem to be able to remember. Great (or the ones the crack smoking judges deem great) go straight through to Vegas. Terrible go home after wasting precious minutes of our viewing time. Good (and same sex ballroom couples) go to the choreography round where they get to spend an hour staring at Pasha’s ass (Or Anya’s ass) while trying to learn choreography.

Distracting! 

Ready to begin? Good! First up is Teddy Tedholm. Well at least we’re getting this one out of the way first. Remember Teddy? We saw his audition during season five, so I’m not really sure why we are being subjected to him and his giant forehead zit again.

It’s called Clearasil, dude. Go buy some. 

He will be performing a dance for the judges that accurately portrays his personality that he describes as “whimsical”. The quotes are his. His proves his whimsicality by pointing out that he is wearing a bowtie. Hmmmm, I guess in Teddy’s world “whimsical” and “desperate attention whore” are synonymous.

I didn’t like this audition any more the second time around than I did the first. The judges however, are creaming themselves over it. I can only assume that someone has laced their drinks with crack. That is really the only thing that makes any sort of sense at this point.

Nigel thinks it was a great performance, and that there were so many subtleties, so many musical games he was playing, it was beautiful to look at. Sure. Much in the same way watching someone have a seizure is beautiful.

Nigel asks him where he normally performs that. Teddy tells him in his room late at night with the curtains drawn and all the lights turned out at dance competitions. Has he won any of them? “Maybe one.” MAYBE??? Either you won or you didn’t win, idiot. And how many has he done? “Like six.” 

My mom holds them monthly in our basement, but my brother usually wins first place with his cerebral palsy modern piece 

Nigel would like him to find out who won the other five competitions and send them over to audition because if they’ve beat him they’ve got to be bloody good. Nigel thinks a lot of people would pick up a telephone to vote for him. I think Nigel has been mixing medications.

Mary was wondering “Is he crazy, is he brilliant?” And then she decided that he is crazy brilliant.

As opposed to the just plain crazy that she is.

Tyce thinks Teddy is like is pants. Loud and obnoxious and should be incinerated in a garbage can? Oh, unique. He thinks Teddy is fantastic, awesome, brilliant, incredible.

Hahahaha…….That’s a joke, right? Sooooo funny! 

No. It doesn’t appear to be a joke because they are sending him on to Vegas. If this guy makes it into the top twenty I may have to gouge my eyes out. Lord only knows what outfits he’ll come up with to accentuate his “whimsical” personality.

Though none could be as bad as this.

Next up is Jean Lloret who tells us he has no formal training, but he is here because he feels confident in his moves and what he does. He does a lot of stuff that people wish they could do. 

This is not that 

 

But THIS is! 

When he started I thought for sure he was going to be one of those lame auditions, but this boy had some tricks up his sleeves that were pretty freaking awesome. Whether he can actually do other styles or not will remain to be seen. I’m guessing he probably won’t. 

The judges don’t even care. They are so blown away by what he did that at the end of his audition they just all stand up with tickets to Vegas in their hands without offering any words or critique or praise. Hilariously, Jean doesn’t know where those tickets are taking him.

I’m going to Disney World! Um, California?? Paris? Shit! Someone tell me where I’m going so I know how to pack! 

Jean is followed by only the briefest glimpse of Kimara Wood, who also gets a put straight through to Vegas.

Enough of the sausage fest! Time to see one of the girls audition. This girl is Channing Cook and she is an ice cream scooper. Oh, I’ve heard all the best dancers started out as ice cream scoopers. Channing tells us that working at the ice cream parlor is a dream come true. She’s always in the back tasting everything. 

And practicing her “sexy face” 

Needs more work, hon! Channing also enjoys running around on the beach in boxer shorts. She’s wanted to audition for the show since season one, and now she’s finally eighteen and able to fulfill that dream. 

She’s just okay for me. She has nice extension, but her choreography is a little clunky in parts. I don’t think she comes close to some of the incredible girls that we’ve seen on this show, but she’s blonde, and she can move, so Nigel will probably put her through as boner material.

Apparently she’s a tomboy, and she does a little muscle flexing to prove it. After watching the last five seasons she should know that that is not the way to Nigel’s heart. Just stand there and smile, don’t make him wonder if you can kick his ass for sexually harassing you!

Nigel thinks she’s got a beautiful quality to her work and a great face. It was a lovely performance. Mary loved it! Tyce loves her and thinks she’s amazing and fantastic but she needs to go further in her performance. She gets through to the choreography round.

YAY! It’s back! 

And we’re back. It’s four o’clock, and Ryan Casey is up next. Cat tells us he hopes to “measure up” because he is six foot eight. Oh, Cat. You’re better than that. He tells us that people always ask him if he plays basketball. DUH. He could sink shots with out even having to jump. But he’s not a b-baller, he’s a tapper.

You know, the thing about this guy is that his height is doing him no favors here. Some tappers have a tendency to look all gangly and loosey goosey while they’re tapping, and his height is making that quality even more exaggerated than it would normally be. I actually think his sounds are great, nice and clean, but there’s no way he’s going to make it into the top twenty, even if they do put him through to Vegas.

Nigel tells him that there are times when he looks ungainly, but his feet are really very good. He has very well educated ankles. He thinks it would be interesting to see Ryan with a partner, and Nigel thinks he could probably pick them up with one hand. Nigel is now confusing height for strength. This dude is a giant string bean. He doesn’t look to me like he could pick someone up with one hand.

Mary thinks he really brought it today. Aside from all the different rhythms that he used, he was also changing the intensity or volume of the sound which Mary says many tappers do not do. And then Nigel asks him if he passes out when he goes to Denver.

Please don’t encourage him 

Tyce would like to see him control his arms a little bit more, but that’s really his only critique. And so he goes through to choreography.

Up next is Russell Ferguson. He’s confident that he will keep the good news coming, but he’s a krumper, and Cat tells us that a krumper has never made it through to Vegas. Can he be the first?

Let’s hope so because this guy was fucking fantastic. I love him! He was hard hitting and musical and also showed that he can move. I don’t know if he can do other styles, but this is one of the only times I have actually enjoyed watching krumping.

Nigel tells him that was buck. 

Dumb Fuck 

Nigel says that when Lil C and his crew do it they run into each other and bash each other, and there’s a lot going on. He tends to find individual krumpers too one dimensional. So he would like to see what else Russell can do.

Mary asks if he’s trained in other styles. Yes. He has done ballet, modern, tap, jazz, African. Nigel asks him if he’s ever fused tap and krump together. He has. Nigel says that’s called krap. And they laugh and laugh and laugh and laugh.

If I laugh at this fucker, will he put me through? 

Mary can’t wait to see him do the other styles. Tyce thinks that was filthy and dirty in all the best ways. Russell is one of his favorite people here in Boston. I wonder if it were up to Mary and Tyce if they would put him straight through to Vegas? Doesn’t matter because Nigel wants to see him do choreography. So off to choreography he goes.

And Tyce decides that he needs some attention, so he decides to do Molly Shannon’s “I love it! I love it! I love it!” bit. Badly. And then apparently he cuts a stinky fart leading Mary to wonder if he ate something rotten for lunch.

Must be all that cheese 

Time for the last soloist of the day, Fabrizio Jenkins who looks like he’s cutting a few farts himself.

Smells like beef 

It gets better. His nickname is Breeze. He tells us he got the nickname because he was a ten pound baby and it took about two hours for him mom to deliver him. And she said “What a breeze.” I think his mom lied to him. I think they gave him that nickname because he was (and is) a big fat farter. That one makes more sense to me.

He’s not a complete disgrace as a popper, but he’s not even in the same league as people who make it onto this show. The popping is pretty much what you’d see at a high school talent show. Scratch that. Some of those high school kids can pop their little asses off. Grade school. He does have a section in his audition where he falls but keeps right on going like it was part of the routine, so I give him props for that. 

Try the auditions for The Sopranos Supper Show. I smell understudy for Tony! 

Nigel asks if he fell and Fabrizio admits that he did. Fabrizio says he has done so many competitions, and as soon as you fall you know it’s over but he keeps getting up and finishes the set. Nigel says he did a good job.

Mary says it was a lot of fun. Tyce thinks it was fun but if he’s keeping it real to a certain degree he thinks that if Fabrizio trained he would be so much better. Tyce says no to choreography, but Nigel says yes because of how he handled falling. It’s all up to Mary, and you know she’ll go with whatever Nigel says, so Fabrizio’s through to the choreography round.

Choreography Round! 

Tony Soprano’s understudy leaves before the rehearsal hour is over saying he doesn’t think it’s fair for his partner to have a crap partner. I wonder if that leaves her partnerless. Ryan the tall tapper gets sent home, while Channing, Russell and eight other dancers make it through to Vegas.

Boston, day two. Nigel tells the young hopefuls if they are not a star they need to go home now. Too bad he can’t send himself home. First up for today are married couple Karen and Matthew Hauer who are ballroom dancers. 

She held out on that move until after they were married. 

They seem to be pretty good. They make a lot of “sexy” faces which is always an issue I have with the ballroom people. But they seem to be able to move well. I’m sure Nigel will want to see if they can partner with other people. 

Because they’re a ballroom couple, we’re going to start with Mary. She thanks them for waking her up. She tells Karen she is one hot tamale. She says without a doubt, they can dance. Very rhythmical, solid technique and very well grounded.

Tyce says yes of course they both look so fantastic. And he just couldn’t stop watching Matthew’s ass, and they are just so great. Nigel doesn’t speak because all the blood has rushed to his crotch. They both get tickets to Vegas.

Following them is another ballroom dancer, Gene Berston. Gene is practicing in the lobby and giving himself the sexy eyes.

This guy is a caricature of the smarmy Latin ballroom dancer. He’s got his shirt partly open to accentuate his sort of hairy chest. He has overly styled facial hair, and he makes those leering faces while he’s dancing. Yuck.

This guy can actually dance, but he needs to tone it down A LOT. Mary tells him that he’s definitely a hottie batottie and he responds by ripping open his shirt. Ewwwww. Stop. She thinks he has good technique, but she’s worried about his facial expressions. His eyebrows were in constant movement, and she thinks he needs to learn how to control that.

Try botox! It worked for me! 

Other than that she sees a lot of potential. Tyce agrees with Mary. To him the eyebrow choreography comes across as a tiny bit desperate. Nigel thinks he has great musicality and he thinks even though Gene is a ballroom dancer, he is doing more than just ballroom steps. They put him through to choreography where he and his eyebrows hope to prove that they are ready for Vegas.

Hasn’t it been nice seeing nothing but good to great auditions in this episode? That’s over now. The producers have decided we must be craving an awful audition, so they’ve dug up this guy.

And his moose knuckle. 

This idiot’s name is Paul Magliato and he is forty six years old. WHAT THE FUCK?!?!? This guy is too old for the show, but they are going to make us sit through this anyway?? And then they wonder why crazy people show up to audition. I really don’t understand why they re-enforce this bullshit by giving these guys the TV time they so badly crave. It really pisses me off.

Paul has studied ballet and it was one evolution into the next creating his movement invention. And this style makes me want to take a bowel movement all over it. It is just that good.

Nigel says that it felt like he was sort of ice skating at one point. He doesn’t know where to begin. So he asks how old Paul is. When he hears that Paul is forty six he asks if he realizes he’s too old for the competition.

La la la la! I can’t hear you! 

Nigel wants to know if Paul wants them to do a proper critique of him or should they just applaud and say congratulations? Paul says it’s up to Nigel. Nigel says no, it’s up to him, and I can’t believe we are wasting all this time on this moron.

After they basically all pretty much tell him it wasn’t good, he says that he’s been dancing his whole life and everywhere he dances people stop and look. Dude! They are so horrified they can’t look away!! 

He will concede that this is not his best performance, he knows he was off his turns. Mary mumbles to Tyce “He’s off his rocker.”

And she would know 

Shockingly, it’s a no. From there we segue into a montage of other bad auditions, and Tyce living up to his Sir Bitchypants name, making fug faces and telling one girl her audition was like nails on a chalkboard. Funny, his “nails on a chalkboard” move looks a lot to me like “kitty scratching the sofa”.

Thankfully there is only one more audition left to go. It’s not the first time auditioning for Kevin “K’Bez” Hunt. He auditioned for season three and didn’t make it through, but he went home, thought about it, and figured he just wasn’t ready to be on the show. But he’s back now and ready to tear the stage up. He’s not trying to go to Vegas. He’s trying to go ALL the way.

He’s really good. He actually makes me forget how much I loathe the Black Eyed Peas so kudos to him for that. As is the case with many poppers, you have to wonder if he can do anything else. But he’s really good at what he does here.

Mary wants to know what he’s been training in since the last time they saw him. He says basically he’s been training in contemporary. Mary says that though it’s good to see him back again, she still doesn’t know if he’s strong enough because now the bar has been raised even higher. It was good, not great.

Nigel thinks his musicality is great and he really liked the choreography. Sir Bitchypants is put out that Kevin says he has been training in contemporary, but he hasn’t put none of that out here to show that, so what is Sir Bitchypants to think? 

He thinks Kevin is a big ole lying liar about training in contemporary, because why wouldn’t he show that if he really has been? 

“Liar, liar, pants on fire.” 

Oh, and? His backflip took like ninety days. Sir Bitchypants thinks Kevin could get lost in the shuffle real easy, but it’s great. Wha? I can’t keep up with his crazy train of logic. Kevin is through to choreography. Even though he is a lying liar.

Choreography Part Deux! 

I think Kevin does a decent job in the choreography round but then………

Oh Kevin! You are so tricksy! You really had me fooled for a minute there! 

Gene and his fabulous eyebrows also get through along with twenty other dancers.

And that wraps up the Boston auditions. Next week,  Atlanta! 

What did you think of this week’s audition round, Gasmi? Anyone jump out at you? Were you digging the “whimsical” Teddy, or did you find him to be as annoying as I did? Next week we also go to two episodes a week, so don’t forget to tune in Tuesday and Wednesday.

Also, the timing on my recaps will probably be a little off next week. I am going to New York to see Hugh Jackman in A Steady Rain - yipee!! Now, I’ve actually seen him before on Broadway, but that was in Boy From Oz. This time around he’s playing a Chicago cop, so I’m thinking there might be a little difference between this…..

And what I can only imagine will be something like…….

This! MEEEE-OW. 

I promise I’ll get the recaps out as quickly as possible once I’m back from the city. Until then…..

SWAK, PottyMouth