So You Think You Can Dance: SLC Spunk

This week on So You Think You Can Dance (dance……………..dance) we FINALLY get to Vegas. But first! One more stop on the audition tour: Salt Lake City. Cat tells us that the talent so far has been bigger and better than ever before. As we are told every single season. Except for season one. Obviously.

In other news, Nigel is back and you’ll be happy to know he is still a disgusting perv.

Want Some Candy, Little Girl? 

This time around Nigel and Mary are joined by Mia Michaels. Or as Cat calls her “beloved Emmy winning contemporary choreographer, Mia Michaels.” Beloved???? Since when? By who?

After going through how the audition process works FIVE FUCKING times already, I have run out of ways to repeat what we all already know. 

So just enjoy this picture of Pasha, mmmkay? 

Auditioning first is b-boy Bryan Boyer who tells us he does a really neat form of power moves, flexibility and blow ups.

Hmmmm…..could be interesting 

He clarifies further by telling us he specializes in doing moves that look like no one should be able to do them without hurting themselves. I have a funny feeling he may have hurt himself many times while perfecting these moves.

He wants a ticket to Vegas, not only to prove he’s representing for the b-boy scene, but also to show that Utah has more to offer than jazz dancers. Hee! I think I like him.

He’s got some really good tricks in there, but his transitions are pretty weak. At one point it looked like he slipped out of a move where he was going up to a headstand, but other than that, he did a good job. I have serious doubts about whether or not he’d be able to handle choreography. 

Nigel thought it was very strong; one of the best hip hops they’ve seen this season.

Mary loves his spirit on the floor, and thought he had a lotta great stuff in there.

Mia thought he did an awesome job and that it was like there was no gravity going through his body. I have to say, he’s really adorable and humble while receiving their compliments, which makes me like him even more. He’s through to choreography.

He immediately finds a partner out in the lobby to help him prepare for the choreography round, which is really smart. Good luck, Bryan!

Up next is Tristy Mirci who has been in twenty-five accidents in the last three years. But she was never the driver! She was always the passenger! Does this have anything to do with dancing? Nope. Is there anyone left in her town that would possibly give her a ride home?

Don’t look at me! Bitch already made me crash once! 

She doesn’t know why she’s had this string of bad luck, but it’s made her take life less for granted. 

Um. Yeah. That was not good at all. You know how every studio has those adult and teen classes for the people that woke up one day and thought they’d learn to dance but have no coordination whatsoever? Tristy is in that class.

I mean, it’s obvious that someone choreographed the routine for her, but she doesn’t even come close to being able to execute it, and I’m not even going to talk about her atrocious feet or lines because, really? She shouldn’t even be here. She seems like a nice girl, but she’s not a dancer.

Nigel confirms that she’s been in twenty-five accidents in three years. He wonders if the other drivers were dance critics.  Hee! I have to admit, every now and then he comes up with a good one. He then wants to confirm she’s had no formal training, and she says she’s danced for three years. WHAT??? Nigel tells her someone is taking her money under false pretenses. It’s a no from all of them. 

Next up is Hayley Cloud. She herniated a disk in her back while rehearsing a tumbling run at her studio, which just confirms for me that too many gymnastics in a dance routine is not a good thing. 

She’s good. I thought for sure her routine was going to be jammed packed with acro, but it wasn’t as much as I feared. She’s definitely got some power, but she seemed a little stilted in parts of the routine. I’m sure she’ll make it through, but probably not to the top twenty.

Mary thinks it was strong, powerful and uninhibited, and she loves her confidence. She likes that Hayley can be strong, then soft and quiet, and then strong again. She loves her.

Mia reads from the notes that Hayley can do handstands from five to eight minutes. Is that true? Hayley says it is. “So if you were right now handstanding, we could have this conversation upside down?” Yes. Of course Mia looks at her like she’s a liar, so she’s gonna have to do it. She’s such a twat.

Sorry, I try not to use that word a lot, but she really is one. Nigel asks her about her injury and likes that she refers to everyone else as her fellow competitors, not fellow dancers. Is she ready to compete? She is going to Vegas!

Time for a quick glimpse of some good dancers. First up, Megan Kinney. You may remember Megan from last year when she auditioned with her sister Caitlin. Yes, Megan is white bread Caitlin’s little sis. And she’s going to Vegas.

Then we have Genise Ruidaz (what the fuck kind of name is that?!?). She’s also going to Vegas.

From there we get treated to a montage of Nigel and his boner. Excuse me while I go barf. Once he’s been sufficiently aroused, it’s time for Ariana Rowley. She is a local burlesque performer with the stage name Satine LaRouge.

It should be “Sourcils Velus” 

She’s trying to bring a little bit of Vegas to Salt Lake City. She’s tells us she’s going to show the judges a little summin summin they’ve never seen before. Gee, I’ve never heard THAT before.

I think we’ve all seen this before, and better. Hell, I’ve seen strippers that could really fucking dance, but this girl is not one of them. Nor does she fall on the comedy or parody side of burlesque. She just sort of sucks. The best is the reaction of the auditioners in the audience after her performance. These are people that even clap for that idiot Sex when he is done.

**crickets** 

Nigel asks if he can see that again. Of course he does. He wants to know if Mia choreographed it. Mia is pretty much speechless. She just keeps saying “It was, it was, it was” over and over again. Nigel agrees. 

Nigel thought it was fantastic. Mary is unsurprised. He says he enjoys watching all forms of dancing, as long as it involves girls with boobs shaking them or their asses all over the stage.

Mia has recovered her power of speech and tells Sourcils that it was weak and trashy. But it’s a yes to choreography. Mary says no to choreography, but Nigel’s boner votes yes, and so we’ll be seeing more of Sourcils later. Blarf.

Up next is ballroom dancer Iveta Lukosiute who is originally from Lithuania. She always wanted to come to United States. She imagined it is very special country with money growing on trees and everybody goes there and has the best life ever.

The make up blocks her identity from KGB 

She was so happy to see the American flag because this is a country that has given her so much opportunity, and she is very thankful. 

She’s also really fucking good. I don’t care for the overly bleached hair, or the massive amounts of make-up, but I know that’s par for the course for most Latin ballroom dancers. There is no doubt in my mind that she will not only make it to Vegas, but I’m betting top twenty as well.

Nigel thinks she is vivacious, she dances brilliantly, and he has not enjoyed watching a couple dance so much since they saw Pasha and Anya. Wow. High praise indeed.

What can Mary say? She thinks Iveta is exquisite, and then she starts getting choked up. These are the moments I actually like Mary.

Mia loves when someone gets so overwhelmed by talent, it’s magical. Iveta is magical, and Mia thinks it’s not only a privilege to watch her, but it would be a privilege to have her on the show. She’s going to Vegas. 

Choreography Round! 

Fifteen minutes in and Bryan is already lost, so he decides to leave. He tells us he’s going to get some lessons and then come back next year. I hope he does.

Sourcils has hung in there and now she must prove herself if she wants to get a ticket to Vegas. Denied. She tells us she’ll definitely be back.

 

Wax first! 

Day two. First up is Pascal Nayigiziki who tells us he is pretty crazy. He more or less lets the song tell him what to do. He becomes the song. If it’s Pink, he’s an angry woman, if it’s Michael Jackson, apparently he has some sort of seizure, and if it’s DMX he wants to shoot ya.

Security! 

I thought they were trying to show less of the crappy auditions? This wasn’t even dancing. This was like watching someone have a seizure with music playing in the background.

At one point Mary starts mocking him, shaking and twitching, and I think she should maybe be careful. Who knows what kind of drug cocktail this fucker is on?

Nigel says he doesn’t know what that style was, it started out like bad food poisoning. As opposed to good food poisoning?? He tells Pascal there wasn’t any dancing going on there. Pascal says he’s a much better dancer when he’s got wind.

If you let me go eat some beans and come back in an hour, I’ll really let it rip! 

Mary wouldn’t call that dancing. He’s just running around that stage having a conniption fit. She asks him where he’s been training. He replies where hasn’t he trained? He’s just saying, he’s a great investment. 

Mia asks him to define what kind of style he was doing. “Hip hop.” Nigel; “No.” “Swagger?” “No.” Pascal style. Mary wonders where you go from here, and Pascal responds, “Vegas.” Nope, sorry. Buh-bye Pascal.

Time for a montage of partnered auditions, most of which look pretty good. We get people that have danced together for two weeks, two years or two months. Cat tells us it doesn’t matter how long they’ve been dancing together; they all have to have chemistry.

This leads up to married ballroom dancers, Ashleigh and Ryan DiLello. Ashleigh tells us that when they first met they were competitors, and she always won.

Ryan wonders how many people share the exact same talent, and passion and are married and get to do that together. I think half of Hollywood could say the same thing. Well, maybe not the part about exact same talent. Ashleigh says the great thing for them is that they don’t have to fake the chemistry. It’s totally there.

Ugh. She does that mugging shit that I HATE. Why must they do that? It’s so fucking distracting and annoying. Aside from that, they’re not bad. I think he’s better than she is, but it could just be that the mugging has prejudiced me against her.

Tell me you don’t want to smack her. 

Mary loves the way Ryan leads and portrays the role. Everything. She finds Ashleigh to be a little bit fake. She thinks it funny that the chemistry between them wasn’t real considering they’re a couple. She wants to feel the magnetism between them, not just see the steps, the choreography. 

Mia thinks Ashleigh is the missing link. 

Oh My God! She totally is! 

Oh wait. That there IS a missing link. She’s talking about something lacking in the connection and chemistry. And it’s all Ashleigh’s fault. Mia thinks Ryan is everything, and fabulous. She thinks the way he dances is real and honest, and he’s just fantastic.

You know something is really off with Ashleigh because not even Nigel is on her side. He agrees with Mia and Mary and thinks she’s over egging the pudding so to speak. I love that expression! I have to remember to start using that when someone’s being over the top.

They get through to choreography. Cat thinks they’re wait is going to be awkward. I’ll say. See? I told you the part about exact same talent isn’t usually true.

You are so not getting any tonight. 

Time for one last couple before the choreography round. Leigh Asay and Josh Murillo have been dancing together for two weeks. Josh is the one who really wants to audition. Apparently Leigh auditioned before and she wasn’t sure if she wanted to go through it all again. But she’s here and excited to show the judges how she’s improved.

She’s adorable so I’m pretty sure Nigel will put her through at least to choreography, but all in all, they’re not really that great. They’re okay, just nothing to go gaga over.

After Nigel stops the music, Leigh says she thinks she lost a toenail. Ewwwwwwwwwww. And owwwwwwwww. And then we get a close up of it which I’ll spare you. Well, really I’m sparing myself because I seriously can’t watch that part again to get pictures of it.

The whole toenail thing goes on for far too long. Can we just get to the critique of their dancing? Please???  

Mia says she’s amazing, but she’s talking about the toenail, not Leigh’s dancing. Nigel asks Josh how long they’ve been dancing together. When he finds out it’s only been two weeks, Nigel tells them good job.   

Josh gets put through to choreography, but they put Leigh through to Vegas.  Puh-lease. The only reason she’s going straight through to Vegas is because of that damn toenail.  Otherwise she’d be headed for choreography with Josh. 

Choreography Part Two! 

Josh gets the axe. Mary tells Ryan that this was his style and he should have been exceptional in it. And he was! Vegas! He runs outside and picks Cat up in a big hug, swinging her around.

Ashleigh’s gonna kick your ass, Ryan. 

Nigel tells Ashleigh that this was close to her style, but it felt twee in places. She says she thought that she did the best that she could (not snottily, but nicely). Nigel says so did they, so she’s getting a ticket to Vegas. 

Nineteen other dancers also made it through. And with that, the audition rounds are over. It’s about fucking time.

Tomorrow night – VEGAS! Sir BitchyPants will be there, so will Mia, Louis van Amstel (yay!), Tabitha and Napoleon, and Drill Sargent Gibson. There will be blood(y noses), sweat(y boys) and tear(y girls). Mia thinks season six is going to blow season five out of the water. It still won’t be as good as season three.

So what did you think of Salt Lake City, Gasmi? Were you excited by anyone? Did you think they saved too many bad dancers for this last audition show? Were you as thrilled as I am to realize that Sex was no where to been seen this year?

See you in Vegas!

SWAK, PottyMouth