So You Think You Can Dance: Fruit Sensations Gum Tastes like Dirty Money

Hey kids – it’s time – our top 20 dancers for the first time on So You Think You Can Dance! Cat announces each by name and I can’t help but pee my parents a little when I hear “These are your girls… and these are your guys!” as they do their little West Side Story strut towards us. AHHH!!! It’s finally begun!

Cat reminds us that the winner gets 1/4 million. Which I think is cheap – pony up for the talent already Fox!! Lord knows you don’t spend any on your news department or quality writers! She then introduces us to the “jidges” – but makes the audience say it. Sheep!

Along with Mary and Nigel we have wanna-be New Kid on the Block, Dan Karaty. Who has yet to ever wear a suit that fits him:

“Hey! Ima just a lil’ guy – tryin’ to make it in a big and tall world!”

Cat asks Nigel if he thinks there are any front runners and Nigel responds that it’s… Cat! Sigh. Stop trying to get laid Nigel. Cat needs a hot guy with straight teeth. You have neither. I love how Cat brushes it off with good ol’ self-deprecation though. When’s the last time we ever saw that in a reality host?

We learn that the 20 kids have been paired into 10 couples and each pick dances randomly from a hat. Cat then introduces a montage of the top 20 and their auditions. REALLY?!? A friggin’ montage ALREADY?!? The competition hasn’t even officially started and we’re getting montages thrown at us already!!? OY! Nevertheless it makes me cry, laugh and hold myself in just 2.5 minutes. God I love getting good montage.

First up, Rayven and Jamie. Rayven is a contemporary ballet dance who auditioned in LA – and she’s the oldest contestant at 28 years old. Aaaaaand I officially feel old. Sometimes I hate this show. But it only lasts for a moment until my Alzheimer’s kicks in and I forget about being old.

Jamie is a west coast swinger (as in dancer – not that thing that Tom and Katie do with Rob Thomas – allegedly!). He auditioned in Vegas alongside his girlfriend until she was cut. That sucks. “No really honey – I’m happy for you – you go on… without me… break a leg… seriously…break it.”

Napoleon and Tabitha are teaching them hip-hop – white-married-couple style. It’s pretty much the equivalent of sky-diving in one of those wind tunnels. Similar feeling – not as exciting. Jamie is all set though because he found a sweatshirt just for this:

Now start dancing already! And they do. Jamie tells us he’s used to “pulling his face west-coast style”. I’ve learned over time this means “making facial expressions”. Or in Mary’s case – it’s called plastic surgery. Rehearsal goes well and they actually seem to be picking it up quickly for 2 kids that don’t do hip-hop.

So Jamie and Rayven finally hit the stage to perform and I think they do a really good job. I think it’s really cool – fresh and fun. And the song is kick-ass! Their style is like bubblegum hip-pop. Their raciest moment comes when Rayven pants’ Jamie:

And he rightfully rips one in her face for payback.

That was the one part I didn’t like. It’s stupid and pointless. Although Jamie has nice legs and I think he shaves them. Interesting. However this reminded me of when Benji did it to himself last season which SUPER annoyed me.

Nigel makes a comment about hip-hop getting “soft” and then congratulates Napoleon and Tabitha on their choreography! HAHAHHAHA! Back-handed compliments are FANTASTIC! Mary does the worst “I’m gonna give a nasty-comment fake-out” and immediately screams about loving it. She should be allowed only 1 scream per episode. And even that should be into a paper bag. Mary calls the dance “cotton candy” but says she loves “cotton candy”. Lady, if that’s not what you eat for breakfast, lunch and dinner I’ll eat my fucking hat.

Dan calls the dance “not quite there” and says there was “no funk”. Maybe they could borrow some from his hair.

Up next, hot mess Susie from Miami! Oye! And she’s a HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER?!? What?! I hope it’s Sex Ed – cause if this girl teaches Global History there’s nothing right in the world. She’s cuban and wants to bring sass and flavor to the competition. Mmmm hmmm – that’s how it all starts – a little sass – little “flava” – then BAM – COMMUNISM! Our dancers will all be doing the “Castro Cha Cha Cha” to the clinics to get their “free healthcare”! Well… we won’t stand for that Gasmers!

Marquis, an 18 year-old from DC, is her dance partner. He tells us his family wanted him out of dance because of “personal issues”. Apparently Mama ain’t happy with a lil’ Marquis being a dancer… or the “lifestyle” that it may lead to. Marquis’ Mom should be thrilled with her son…

Now he can style her and keep her from wearing a GAP hoodie at a photo shoot!! Come on now! Those are expensive linens hanging up behind you!

Susie and Marquis picked the smooth waltz with Hunter Johnson. I can’t wait to see what Charro does with this!

They hit the dance floor with passion, beautiful lines and a very flowing waltz. It seems there’s a little slip-up at one point but that’s it. Take a look at these lines!

Although I think Marquis’ mother may have paid Charro to do this move. You like the coochie coochie now??!

Nigel noticed the slip-up on the lift but gives them high remarks for the lines and Marquis’ “carriage”. Whoa – slow down there Nigel – little early in the season for casting couch remarks. And he loves Susie for being trained beyond Salsa. She is MUCH more. She is salsa con queso!

Mary thinks they did a great job and Dan thinks it was like “a perfect ending to a love story”. Well done Marquis and Susie! It will be if the 2 of you don’t end up back into a dysfunctional family or Cuba, respectively.

Next up, Kourtni L. and Matt! Kourtni L., as noted by Nigel, looks like Uma Thurman and Princess Di. Let’s hope she has better taste in men. She’s starting it off right with her partner Matt – who – I’m gonna say it – I think will be this season’s “Neil”, aka Hottie Dancer! Woo woo! Matt tells us his family was really into sports which kept him in shape but he didn’t really like any of them – he wanted to DANCE! Awww!

Back in rehearsal, we realize that Nigel stuck these two together since they’re both the tallest in the competition. They hit it off well though:

Like when Matt tries to prove his manliness by attacking her from behind. Awww. It’s cute when they try.

Out on the dance floor, Kourtni and Matt start their dance with Matt teasing Kourtni with a large diamond. It always makes me nervous when props are involved. I worried about whether the damn thing was gonna go flying and take Mary’s eye out for the whole dance. And then at one point it looked like it got stuck in his pocket. I can’t handle the stress! No more props!

Other than that the dance went well. No real “WOW” moments but it was interesting. They did a whole jewel thieves in love thing. I love the whole “Gonna drop her on her head but then I barely catch her” move:

Her spine is seriously a Twizzler.

Nigel liked the dance OK but tells Matt… (you’re gonna love this):

“it’s like someone’s taken a broomstick and shoved it up where the sun don’t shine.” WOW WOW WOW. So much for Brit’s being classy huh?!? And Matt’s mother thanks you for another haunting mental image. Oh well… at least he didn’t say “penis”. He left it up to the 9.6 million viewers at home to fill in the blank.

The crowd of course boos Nigel. And Mandy Moore makes a face like she too had a run-in with a broomstick. Cat and Nigel throw “Cameron Diaz” into the mix of people Kourtni looks like. Really? I think we’re getting carried away.

Mary loved the dance but is hesitant to put them on the “Hot Tamale Train”. Wow. That’s huge. She really knows restraint. Dan, on the other hand, DID NOT love it. He throws down that Mandy Moore would have “hit it harder”. Ouch!

Up next, Chelsea T. who’s American but her parents are from Jamaica. So she has a Caribbean flair. Her and Susie are gonna have a show down! Her dance partner is Thayne. I’m convinced his real name is Shane but he can’t pronounce it right. Listen to him talk – you’ll get it. Thayne almost gave up dancing cause the other boys made fun of him. Ladies and gentlemen – in case you haven’t been counting – that’s three – three lil’ gay stories this evening! Aww – “SYTYCD” is the new gay kid on the block – stand back Project Runway!!!

Chelsea and Thayne will be dancing the “cheeky” Cha Cha. During rehearsal Thayne describes moves they have to do and uses the phrase “What the crap?!” Love it! My new favorite!

They perform their Cha Cha and it’s muy caliente! I had many fav moments:

Like when it looks like Thayne is hanging onto those gorgeous legs for dear life.

Or when he “smacks that – all on the floor – smack that – til you get sore – oh oh ohhhhh”.

Nigel loved the number and gives props to Thayne for being able to control the hip-shakin’ Chelsea. Giiiiirl – she was workin’ it! And Mary gives them 2 coach tickets on THE “Hot Tamale Train”!! To which Thayne responds by:

Doing that weird ass monkey dance he does. If he danced like that when he was little I’m gonna say he deserved getting stuffed in lockers.

And for the first time tonight Dan actually seems impressed. And yet his jacket sleeves are still too long for him. So I render his comments useless.

Next up, Chelsea Hightower who tells us there were alot of problems with her family when she was growing up. And then they show that same clip of them playing poker. WTF?! Was there a gambling problem in the family or what?!? Chelsea’s partner is Mark – a contemporary dancer who’s middle name seems to be “QUIRKY” and hails from Hawaii.

Mia Michaels is choreographing their first number. Her inspiration is Tim Burton’s wedding. Which is surprising – I thought for sure it’d be about her mother’s tendency to punch her in the mouth or the painful void she fills with food – you know – cotton candy stuff. Mia’s first observation is that Mark isn’t as good as she thought he would be. OUCH! And then she tells him “It’s like the complete opposite of what I’m trying to do! COMPLETE OPPOSITE!!” GEEZ!

Your incompetency gives me brain freeze! And that may only be done by a pint of Haagen Daaz!! DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?!! HAAGEN DAAZ!!!

The time comes for them to dance and the number is actually quite interesting. It actually reminds me of Jaimie and Hok’s “Hummingbird” dance from last year:

Wade Robson is somewhere watching this – and pissed he didn’t get it copyrighted.

And at one point they have a cute little moment where Mark whispers to her:

Is he saying… “When we’re done with this I’m gonna key Mia’s car.” or “Don’t move – don’t look – but Sylar from “Heroes” is in the audience waiting to eat our brains.”? You be the judge!

It was actually a really cool piece. And of course Nigel blows about 13 bags of smoke up Mia’s ass about how fantastic it was. Both Nigel and Mary love the “uniqueness” that Mark brings to the floor. Dan says “What a trip it must be to take a trip inside Mia Michaels head.” I’m guessing it’d be like a trip to Emotionally Unstable Bitchy Town – only you stop at every rest stop with a Denny’s along the way.

And the next couple up is… oh but wait – let’s take a moment to appreciate FOX selling “SYTYCD”s soul out from under it:

Are you kidding me?! Why don’t they just make Cat chew the fucking gum constantly and work the words “Fruit Sensation” into every other sentence. Like, “Thayne is a fantastic dancer! He’s really a fruit sensation!”

We are then treated to a “Fruit Sensation” logo on the screen for the whole next segment about Twitch. WTF?!? How did Twitch get the short straw?!? Anyways – Twitch tells us how important comedy is to his dancing. I guess it has to be when FOX is using you as fucking billboard for fruit gum.

Kherington is Twitch’s partner. She’s a young lil’ blonde who seems like she just stepped out of High School Musical. Tyce Diorio is their choreographer and is sure to please us with a big snazzy broadway number.

That is if Twitch wlll stop using Kherington as a periscope. Ahoy blondie!

Twitch also makes a startling discovery during rehearsal…

Twitch + Kherington = TWITCHINGTON!!! Hey – it worked for Bennifer. Kinda. Eh. They’re fucked.

Twitchington hits the stage to “Too Darn Hot”. Twitch actually looks and dances quite sexy when he’s not being a goofball. He throws her around the stage and she looks fantastic – not a day over 13. Although she must be at least 16…

Because Twitch helps her looks for her car keys at one point.

The crowd goes wild – it was REALLY fantastic. Nigel loved it and drools all over Kherington – gross. And he tells Twitch that if “anyone had heard that he was dancing on Broadway last year it would’ve been on the street and not in the theatre – NOW he can dance in the theatre.” WOW. Nigel’s getting much more creative with his veiled racist comments! Go Nigel!

And Mary is retarded. She makes some stupid joke about making everyone watch the sprinklers go off from the hot performance. Oh for Christ’s sake. We’re not 6 years old Mary. Just tell us what you liked, make a veiled racist comment and move on with it. BTW – I’d pay $1,000 to be control of the mic in front of Mary.

And of course Dan agrees with everyone – saying he’d love to watch Twitch do anything. Like mow his lawn. Hey oh! Just kidding!

Up next, Comfort and Chris! Comfort is a hard-hitting hip-hopper that feels free to tell people “Oh yeah – I’m in the top 20!” Well. Modesty may not be her best quality. Meanwhile they paired her with Chris. You know – vanilla Chris who’s striving to show personality. Which I’m guessing is going to correlate into adding “flair”.

Comfort and Chris are dancing the Jive – according to their choreographer’s the “kick-ass jive”! Chris is surprised at Comfort’s sexy legs – he “wasn’t expecting that!” I think they make him uncomfortable. I can imagine that in rehearsal he’s been making her wear extra long leg warmers… and a potato sack.

They begin to dance and do a fantastic job. They’re definitely good together. Comfort’s sassiness is matched by Chris’ down-home-boy-next-door-gone-bad-footloose-style. I bet they’re doing it!

SAY WHAT?! OH HELLLLL NO!

Nigel thinks Chris really got into the routine. And then Nigel does an impression of Comfort that borders on Aunt Jemima-territory. Seriously! WTF?!

We also find out that Comfort still performed even though she dislocated her shoulder the day before. Say what?! I would’ve been like “I’m out. Peace.”

Mary loved the routine and calls Comfort a fighter with “leeeeegs”! Chris is happy not to be called a tree again. Dan looooooved Comfort too. I have a feeling Chris is gonna have the most competition from his own partner.

Up next, Katee from LA! Ya know – the dumbass that opened up her yapper about not coming back if she didn’t get in. She’s paired with Joshua – who is probably someone we know the least about. Turns out he was always into sports and his mother lied to him about the water being turned off. And that’s all we get. Sounds great! I love him! Moving on!

Time for hip-hop with Napoleon and Tabitha! Which is making the two cry. I’m totally lost. WTF? Oh well – time for the dancing!

It turns out they were crying because the whole story behind the dance is that Joshua gets a letter that he has to leave for the army.

“Dear Katee, We actually re-voted again and we want your roomie, Natalee, here instead. Thought this was the easiest way to tell you. Don’t fuck up this dance – it’s your last one! Love, Nigel”

The dance is quite possibly the best one of the night. It’s REALLY GOOD. I love the story and the emotion behind it. And Joshua pulls off some excellent moves. Like the reverse-falling-down maneuver – whatever the hell that is.

Nigel completely loves it and congratulates Nap and Tab. AND he calls it the best of the night. Ick. I hate agreeing with Nigel. Mary gets all teary-eyed and loves it as well. Thank God she resists sending them on some Mexican-dish train. And Dan thinks they “killed it”. He’s so hip. Everything he learned about talking like a 16-year-old he learned from Mia. They’re both “stupid”.

Next up, Jessica and Will! You might remember Jessica…

She’s the one that spelled “Vegas” wrong. Thank God the final auditions weren’t in Mississippi.

She then redeems herself and spells in correctly. It’s a good thing. I was really stupid enough to think she didn’t know how to spell it. Her partner is contemporary dancer, Will. He trained under Debbie “Scalp-Picker” Allen. Unfortunately we’ll be missing out on her crazy antics while he’s around.

Back in rehearsal, Jessica seems to have quite a crush on Will. OOoohh! A “Dance” romance! Between actual dance partners!!! Woo woo!

The love birds start their Tango with – what else – PASSION! I know – you might be worried that a possible love affair could make things awkward on the floor – but let me assure you..

She’s on him like white on brown rice.

Nigel liked it but was a little nit-picky about certain moves. Mary does her whole stupid fucking “I hate it – fake out – I love it!” BS. Although she does call them “the couple to beat” now. I think it’s a little early for that talk. Dan calls it “hot”. Dan is useless.

And lastly we have Courtney (another one) G. and Gev! Courtney is a dancer for the NY Knicks! Wowza! That’s quite a resume. What a rough town to make it in! Speaking of… Gev is from Kazakhstan. Gev told us he’s from a bad area there. Yeah… you’re in America – you could have just said you’re from the “Middle East” and left it at that. We’re easy to impress.

Courtney and Gev seem to have great chemistry in rehearsal – let’s see if it translates to the stage. And I think it does – but I HATE DISCO. It’s so cliche and I can’t believe it’s part of this show. Is it here just to appease the viewers from the 70′s? All I can think of is John Travolta when I watch these dances. Call me crazy.

The only interesting part was…

When Gev made Courtney ride the “Boner Train”. Gross.

Nigel DID NOT like it – which is huge since he pretty much liked all the other dancers tonight. Sucks for Courtney and Gev. He called it “Disco Duck”. Wow. Now THAT is saying something. What? No clue.

Mary thought it was great – but she also thinks shit on toast tastes fantastic. I’m sure there’ll be a “shit-on-toast” train in the near future. Dan enjoyed it and thought it wasn’t the best but it was still good. Booooring.

And that’s it! The top 20! All ten couples! What did everyone think?! Who was your fav? Worst? Any clear front runners? Other than Fruit Sensations gum of course. UGH! DISH IT!