So You Think You Can Dance: And Now America, It’s Over To You. Don’t Fuck It Up.

Oh Gasmi! I feel like we haven’t spoken in ages! So before we get to the top ten show, I wanted to explain what happened last weekend and why you haven’t yet seen the top twelve recaps.

As I sat down last week to write my recaps (at 11AM), I got a notification from Norton that a virus had been detected on my PC. Okay, I thought, no biggie, that’s why you have anti-virus software, right? I hit the “fix now” button. Then I got a notification saying that the software could not remove the file; it needed to be done manually. 

Alright. I call Norton. And thus began a thirteen hour journey into madness. I spent the entire day on the phone with them (not for free either) and at 9pm it still wasn’t fixed. Apparently it was a particularly strong virus. 

I blame Ryan’s button-less shirts and sagging boobs. 

Imagine my disgust when the Norton tech I was talking to at that point (3rd person of the day, BTW) told me that since she was unable to remote into my computer, she couldn’t help me and that I needed to call the manufacturer of the PC (HP). ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!?!?!? 

Nope. She was not. Little fucking snotty ass bitch. I call HP. More time spent troubleshooting. They decide that part of the problem is the Norton software and they want me to uninstall it. It won’t let me uninstall it. They tell me I need to call Norton back and get someone to help me uninstall it. AAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!! 

 

 I call Norton. They proceed to put me on hold for AN HOUR AND A HALF!!!!!! Bastards.

To make a long story shorter, I called HP back and told them what happened.  They tried to help me some more but really couldn’t (thought I don’t blame them since Norton had already fucked up my computer more than it was when I had originally called them). My dad decided the following day to take it to the lady that fixed his PC when he had issues, and my baby is now clean and working wonderfully. The lesson to take home from this story? NORTON SUCKS ASS. I will NEVER use their shitty ass software again.

So! Rather than be a full week behind, I thought that I’d try doing a condensed version of the top twelve performance and recap shows. A quick “Previously On” segment, if you will. I hope you guys are okay with that solution. If you’d rather just skip to the top ten show, that part of the recap starts on page three.

Ready? Okay, let’s go!

Previously on So You Think You Can Dance………..

Ryan and Ellenore danced a Lindy Hop choreographed by Carla “want to touch the” Heiney. They’re dancing to “I’ve Got To Be A Rug Cutter” which seems very appropriate.

Given the fact that Ellenore is once again flashing her vag at us 

Of course the judges love it; I think it’s a fun number even if it was a bit sloppy in parts.

Kathryn and Legacy are up next with a Sonya jazz number. 

Sonya incorporates a lot of Legacy’s b-boy moves into the routine which is great if you like that, and not so great if you were wishing he’d have to dance the style they were assigned.

I actually like this dance and even though I was a little irritated by so much of Legacy’s own style being used it was sort of refreshing to see something a little different than what Sonya usually does. 

The judges all loved it; Adam thought it was incredibly smart that Sonya used the b-boying, Mary screeches her approval, and Nigel says it’s one of his favorite routines of the season.

We’re now moving on to Victor and Karen. They will be dancing a tango choreographed by Tony and Melanie. I’m so glad to see Bette back this week. 

I’m sorry, Victor is just not sexy. To me he looks like a little kid that got into his grandfather’s jar of pomade and used too much in an attempt to look older. Karen annoys me as usual. Maybe I’m a ballroom dancer bigot; I don’t like any of them this year.

Can’t be! Some of my friends are ballroom dancers! Honest! 

It’s actually danced well; I just don’t buy into them as a couple, so it falls flat for me.  The judges all liked it.  Mary gives Victor some technical critique, but other than that they get mostly positive reviews.

Time for Nathan and Mowee. They have hip hop with Jamal Sims. Of the tennis racket hip hop travesty. It’s not going to get much better here. He has created a hip hop number about the day that Alexander Graham Bell invented the telephone. And it will be performed to “Ring-A-Ling” by the Black Eyed Peas.

Make that Ding-A Lings 

That was awful. This is now the second time that Jamal Sims has made me wish for Tabitha and Napoleon. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to forgive him. Adam smoked crack tonight because he thinks they really sold it. Mary rambles on and on trying to incorporate telephone analogies into her comments and failing miserably. Nigel is a prick.

What else is new? 

Up next are Russell and Noelle dancing a samba choreographed by Tony and Melanie.

First of all, Shakira? Yuck. Now, you all know I love Russell, but this was painful for me to watch. I mean, they try, but it isn’t sexy at all. Adam agrees with me. Mary babbles. Technically it wasn’t great, but she thinks they sold the performance. Nigel did not get a boner.

Last up in rotation tonight are Jakob and Asseleigh. They will be performing a Sonya lyrical jazz.

Jakob is awesome as always. Asseleigh is still a hand walking queer. The judges predictably cream themselves over it.

Now that we’ve been through the first rotation, each couple gets to dance again. We’re back to Ellenore and Ryan with a Broadway number by Spencer Liff.

I think I’m in love with Spencer Liff. Please never let Sir BitchyPants choreograph Broadway again. Thank you. Of course the judges all love them again. And even though I can’t stand him, even I have to admit that Ryan did well in this number. I never woulda thunk it.

For their second dance Kathryn and Legacy will be doing a Viennese waltz by Jean Marc and France. 

I just love watching this girl dance. This is not the best Viennese waltz we’ve ever had on the show, but I thought Kathryn danced it beautifully. Legacy, not so much, but I have to admit, I wasn’t really watching him in this one. The judges all love Kathryn in this. Legacy, not so much, but they obviously think he’s great because they are nowhere near as critical with him as they would be with other dancers (coughNathancough).

Karen and Victor return for a Laurieann Gibson hip hop number.

Atrocious. Truly atrocious. 

Oh dear lord, Mowee and Nathan are up next and they are dancing the can can as conceived by Sir BitchyPants who tells us that it was originally a couples dance.

This is the best part of the number 

Ugh. That was like Moulin Rouge Barbie and Ken dancing the candy cane can can. Bleh and blech. Adam calls them energizer bunnies. Mary makes a lame can can joke. Nigel would like to take this opportunity to point out that the can can girls didn’t wear any underwear. Perv. Mowee assures us that she is indeed wearing underwear. I have no words.

For Russell and Noelle’s second dance they have been assigned a contemporary routine by Sir BitchyPants. Back to Back BitchyPants? REALLY?? At least I usually like his contemporary pieces. Well, when he’s not trying to make me cry about cancer, that is.

I really like this number. Have I mentioned lately that I just love Russell? Well, so do the judges. 

Last but not least, Jakob and Asseleigh now have a Tony and Melanie cha cha.

Jakob is not as awesome as he usually is. Asseleigh is STILL a hand walking queer. The judges cum for the second time tonight.

RESULTS SHOW!!!! 

This results show opens with the most fabulously demented Alice In Wonderland inspired number. I think for sure it has to have been choreographed by either Wade or Sonya. Right?

Or maybe Tim Burton is a secret choreographer. And then Cat tells us it was choreographed by Tabitha and Napoleon. No way! Why can’t they turn out stuff like this all the time?!?! LOVE this number.

After Cat’s usual schtick and watching clips from each performance, we arrive at the bottom three couples: Victor and Karen, Nathan and Mowee, and Ellenore and Ryan. Can’t say I’m surprised.

Before the dancers do their solos we have a guest from the world of dance: ABT’s Paloma Herrara will be dancing a section of Don Quixote. It is very “classical ballet” which should be heaven if you like that sort of thing. I love it.

This makes me wish Melissa had been a better ballerina. 

Solo time.

 

Same as every other solo she’s done. 

 

He did a good job here. Not that it matters. 

 

Too many tricks and acro! I really don’t like watching her dance. At all. 

 

Good. Not great. 

 

Her usual quirkiness. I wish she’d show a little more technique. 

 

B-L-E-C-H. And his wife is a hand walking queer. 

Based on solos, Ryan and Karen should go. They make us sit through a performance by Shakira that I am going to pretend never happened. 

Judgment time. Nigel tells us the decision on the girls was unanimous. Karen’s going. For the guys they were NOT unanimous, and Nigel makes sure to tell Nathan if he had his way Nathan would have been going home tonight. Instead Victor gets the boot. Complete crap. Ryan should have gone.

Whew! And now that we’re up to date, are you ready for your top ten? 

Cat welcomes us and also reminds us all that now the decisions are out of the judges’ hands. They pretend that they’re happy about that, but we all know they’re a bunch of liars.

Also, there are all new partnerships this week which should be interesting. Each couple will dance twice and then everyone will dance a solo. I’m exhausted just thinking about it!

Let’s get right into the dancing, shall we?

First up are Noelle and Ryan dancing a Tabitha and Napoleon hip hop routine.

Eh. It was okay. Of course, I’m sure it doesn’t really help that I don’t find either one of this people even a tiny bit sexy. 

Now if these two were dancing it? Woof! 

I’m left feeling let down after that awesome opening number Tabitha and Napoleon put together last week. It wasn’t terrbile, it just didn’t really do anything for me.

We’re starting off with Nigel tonight who asks Ryan how much he’s enjoying being on this show. Be careful, Ryan! The wife can hear you!

He tells Noelle he didn’t think she was sexy last week, but he certainly does this week. I’m sure she’s so happy to hear it, you perv. Nigel says Ryan danced it very strong, but he thinks maybe it was a little too strong, he wasn’t really feeling the funk from him.

Mary thinks they had great chemistry, and it was a great routine. Adam tells Noelle she was smoking out there. Why does it never seem pervy when Adam says it? He thinks Ryan is a great partner; it may not have been his best performance on the show, but it was still a great moment for him on the show. He thinks Ryan will have a lot of fans coming out of this. Whatever. He still skeeves me out.

Up next are Legacy and Asseleigh with a Gary Stewart contemporary piece.

I love the promise of this piece, but I think the choreography was a little cheated by the dancers performing it, if that makes sense. Imagine if Jakob and Kathryn or Ellenore had danced this piece instead. WOW.

I could see them preparing for each move, and the choppiness of that took away from the overall aesthetic of the dance. I think they did a decent job here, but they were definitely over their heads.

Nigel thinks that they’ve just been physically abused by their choreographer. He gives a shout out to Gary and talks about how difficult his style is. He thinks that for the time they had to learn and work on the routine the effort and energy they put into it was fantastic.

Mary thinks there were a lot of really great moments in this routine for people to latch onto. 

Adam says what was so extraordinary and compelling about what they just did was that they didn’t look like they were afraid. He saw no fear, no stress, just attack, and he thinks that’s fabulous. 

Now Mowee will be dancing a solo, but first we have to hear more about her. Ugh. I was so happy for a few minutes there thinking that we weren’t getting any filler. Mowee grew up in Utah doing dance and gymnastics, and she always wanted to be a star. Did you know she was in High School Musical One, Two AND Three?

She’s got the pictures to prove it! 

Her brother talks about how awesome it is to see his sister on TV, but you know he secretly wants to just punch her in the face. 

I just really don’t enjoy her as a dancer. I think she’s sloppy, her musicality is always off, and she throws in way too many tricks and acro. She lacks control.

The judges aren’t talking after the solos, so we’re moving right along to the next number, which is Russell’s solo. But first, let’s hear a little more about him and what started him in dance. He tells us the neighborhood he grew up in wasn’t the best, and you could easily go the wrong route. His dad tells us he tried to keep him off the streets; most of the time he was either in school or dancing.

Russell’s dad tells us when he watches him on the show, it gives him goose bumps. He is so cute! He thinks he is the most proudest dad in Boston. His mom is adorable too, cheering him on in a totally unstaged way while the camera just happens to be filming her. I think his parents are as awesome as he is.

And I think he is pretty fucking awesome. I could watch this kid dance all day long. I love the way he dances, and he has incredible stage presence. Love him!

Kathryn and Nathan will be dancing together next, and they have gotten a Spencer Liff Broadway number.

I think I’m in love with Spencer Liff. I am so happy that we finally have a Broadway choreographer that can bring that flavor to a routine without being a complete and utter hack. I repeat! Please never let Sir BitchyPants choreograph Broadway again!

As far as their dancing goes, I love the way Kathryn dances. She stole this dance for me. I thought Nathan did a good job as well. I definitely like him better away from Mowee.

Nigel thinks they both found the style absolutely perfectly. He also tells Nathan that he thinks his smile can sometimes seem fake, but it suits this style perfectly. He doesn’t think they had great chemistry, but he thinks their style was terrific.

Mary tells Kathryn she loves her in this. She thought Nathan might have had a bit of trouble here, but she was wrong.

What Adam loves about having this style on the show is that it gives us a chance to look back at our dance history in American cinema. He thins they did a great job in giving us a history lesson. He thinks Spencer did a great job!

Adam says he was worried about Nathan after the beatings he’s been taking on the show, but he thinks Nathan came out confident, and he thinks that Kathryn brought out some maturity in him.

Time to find out more about Noelle before her solo. She grew up in a big family in a small town. Her mom is proud. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. 

You know, from a technical standpoint, she’s a really good dancer, but she’s another one that doesn’t do much for me. There are times that I think she looks like she’s barely in control of her movement. I dunno, I sort of keep forgetting about her, which is never a good thing.

The next couple to perform is Jakob and Ellenore. They will be performing a quickstep choreographed by Tony and Melanie

That was a fun number, and it was great seeing these two dance together. I absolutely loved the matched jetes. These two are phenomenal dancers and they did a really good job with this.

Nigel also thinks it was a fun routine. He thinks they worked well together and makes some comment about them going on Dancing With The Stars. Oh shut up. Mary says Tony and Melanie did a terrific job, and they choreographed some tough stuff, but they handled it well. And then she screams. 

Adam thinks it’s all about that luck of the draw and who they pick out of the hat. Oh Adam, you don’t really still believe in the hat do you? And then he goes on and on and on to basically say that’s it weird that Ryan and Asseleigh’s old partners got each other as partners. What does this have to do with anything?

It’s just like that time I played spin the bottle and it landed on the cousin of the brother of the guy that I thought was so cute in the third grade. Isn’t that just fascinating? 

It’s now time to hear from Ryan. Let me guess; he’s married and he likes to work out. He tells us he wouldn’t exist if it weren’t for dance, and just for a moment I question my love of dance. His mom owned a dance studio, so he grew up surrounded by dance. Oh, and he’s married and likes to work out.

Oh. My. God. He’s dancing to “Rock You Like A Hurricane” by The Scorpions. Is he preparing for his future as a Chippendale? Coming soon to a bachelorette party near you!

I don’t normally like ballroom solos, but I have to say, that was the stupidest thing I have seen since Kupano stood on the stage looking like he was taking a dump. Ryan cannot choreograph a solo to save his life.  BLECH.

Next up is Kathryn. I would have never thought she would have ended up being one of my favorites. She was a junior in high school when she realized she wanted a career in dance, and so she moved out to California all by herself. Her mom is also proud of her. 

Are there really going to be any parents NOT saying they’re proud of their kid? Come on! They’re on TV! Not that I think her mom isn’t proud of her; you can totally tell she is by the tears. It’s a true mom fact: the more tears they cry while saying they are proud of you, the truer it is.

What else is there to say? I’ve already said time and time again how much I love watching this girl dance. Rewind. Repeat.

So, if you’re any good at remedial math, you’ve already figured out that they’ve paired up Mowee with Russell. They will be dancing a lyrical jazz piece by Mandy Moore.

I really liked this dance. I would have liked it even more if Russell had been given more to do, but I thought they both danced it well. Mowee was a bit more all over the place (what else is new?), but this is the best I think I’ve seen her dance on the show so far. 

Nigel thinks the choreography was absolutely beautiful. He talks about how much Mowee has grown. Didn’t he say the same thing last week? It seems to be his mantra with her and I’m not buying it.

He tells Russell he’s about as proud of him as his dad is. I doubt that. Did you know that Russell is a street dancer? Well, let Nigel remind you.

Mary loves this partnership. She thinks they had great chemistry, and they were so believable. She loved it, and she loves them telling them they are one of her favorite couples of the night. She knows there’s only five right?

I think Adam’s ears may be bleeding from all Mary’s screaming because he says he needs medical attention. I’m pretty sure removing her voice box will solve all your problems. Or maybe he could get her one of those collars that they put on dogs to keep them from barking. He asks them not to dance so well in the future.

He tells Russell that when he krumps, he’s scared of him. He’s as hard hitting a krumper as Adam has ever seen. And yet he can then switch gears and become not only a beautiful contemporary dancer, but an extraordinary partner as well. He points out that partnering is not a big part of krumping. Collaborating is, not partnering. 

He thinks the partner change has really worked well for Mowee. He says this was like her coming out. Russell gave up a lot of the dance to her, and it was about making her shine. Oh please. The judges all think the sun shines out of her ass anyway.

Time for another solo. Nathan tells us that he started dancing because his brothers danced. He tells us he has come to realize that he should appreciate his family because they have done a lot for him. And then he cries. Real? Fake? I dunno, but I laughed so I may or may not be a giant jerkface.

You know, this kid really is an incredible dancer; he’s just too immature for this show. I really wish he had waited a couple of years before coming on the show because I think he would have blown us all away. I’ll tell you what; ever since Nigel gave him that spanking on the results show a couple of weeks back Nathan has lost some of his joy. It’s sort of sad to see.

Now that we’ve made it through the first round of couples’ dances, we’re back for the second round. Noelle and Ryan are back, this time dancing a smooth waltz choreographed by JT and Tomas.

Meh. I don’t think I’m capable of liking a dance these two do together. There’s just nothing there for me even though they danced it well. 

Nigel thinks they looked like a prince and princess at the end of Disney movie falling in love. Not true. I enjoy watching Disney movies more than I just enjoyed that dance.

He thought it was a lovely routine and gives props to Ryan for his open carriage, though he’d like to see more softness from Noelle. Captivating and absolutely beautiful.

Mary tells Noelle she is breathtaking tonight in this routine. She thinks the quality of movement and her footwork were spot on. She tells Ryan he dominated that whole thing in the right way.

Adam knew he was hypnotized by them when he realized he was breathing with them. He thinks it was really, really, really good. And he thinks they are a power partnership. What? Are we watching the same people, Adam?

Time for Ellenore. She basically told her parents that they had to move to New York for her dancing. And so they used all their money to move there. I’m pretty sure if I said that to my parents their response would have been a little different. 

I’m glad to see her incorporate a little more technical difficulty into her solo without losing that quirky flavor that she has. There really is no denying the girl is a great dancer.  She and Kathryn are definitely my top two girls of this season.

Up next are Legacy and Asseleigh with a Dave Scott hip hop number.

So sad. I really feel like Dave Scott missed out on a great opportunity having Legacy as one of his dancers. Unless Asseleigh was SO fucking bad that he had to tame down the choreography for her. Come to think of it, that’s really the only thing that makes sense, isn’t it? 

Nigel says he didn’t feel it. He doesn’t feel as though there was enough dancing in there, and I really, REALLY hate to say it, but I agree with him. I know! That hardly ever happens!

Mary didn’t feel it either. She says it’s not a great impression to leave them with.

Adam doesn’t think it was challenging enough at this point in the competition. He says they both have big fans, so he’s hoping they pick up the phone and vote for them. I hope she doesn’t have as many fans as Adam seems to think she does.

Next up are Kathryn and Nathan doing a Tony and Melanie rumba.

This was just okay for me. I’m not a big fan of the rumba, and it certainly wasn’t the worst we’ve ever seen on this show, but it wasn’t all that great either. Just Meh.

Nigel thinks that Nathan had a sour face. Maybe because he’s anticipating what a dick you are going to be to him. He says the dancing and the lines were good, but it really wasn’t enough ballroom for him.

Mary doesn’t think the passion was believable. She’s proud of Nathan for his rumba back walks; he had that down. She did think there were some awkward moments for him. She thinks Kathryn was able to capture some really great moments.

Adam says that Nathan is a very polarizing contestant on this show; people have really strong feeling about him. Adam thinks that’s good, but he also knows it’s been very bumpy for him. He doesn’t think that when Nathan signed up for the show he thought he was going to stand up there and have his dancing get knocked. Why not? What show did he think he was going on? Anyway, Adam doesn’t think he’ll have that problem tonight, and he thinks that’s largely due to Kathryn being his partner. Adam thinks she’s awesome.

Legacy’s up next. He tells us he didn’t start b-boying until he was a teenager, but once he started he never wanted to stop. He and his friend Flea were inspired after watching You Got Served. So they went out to LA and started street performing with their boom box. His dad is proud and he loves him. Honestly.

You know, I wasn’t really blown away by him during the auditions at all, but I think he’s improved on his solo as well. I still don’t think he’s the best b-boy I’ve ever seen in my life, but I thought this solo was a million times better than the one all the judges raved about during auditions. I especially liked that he didn’t do as much top-rocking and up-rocking, which I tend to find boring after a while.

It’s now time for Jakob and Ellenore’s second dance of the night which will be a Sonya contemporary routine.

Love this number. Yes, it’s typical Sonya movement, but I really did love watching these two dance it. Jakob seemed so spider-esque to me in it, and Ellenore captured the quirkiness of the movement perfectly. They get a standing ovation, but not from the judges. Lazy asses.

Nigel says everyone should calm down, and then he screams. He hopes people now realize that when they are disappointed with the dancers on the show it’s because they are up against brilliance like this.

He thinks they have rewritten the rules when it comes to chemistry. Not only did they have chemistry as dancers, but they had chemistry with their choreography as well. He loved it. It’s his favorite routine of the season.

Mary says she doesn’t know what goes on inside Sonya’s head but she likes it. 

It’s so different from the air dancing around in my head. 

She screeches and screams her approval some more. I hit mute because I can’t listen to her nonsense anymore tonight. 

Adam tells Sonya that he feels like this was like the sequel to “The Garden”. I think he’s right. He thinks this dance will leave an impression on the fans of the show forever. He finally got his goose bump moment. And then Mary screams again!! 

Ready to hear more about Asseleigh? Me either. But we have to. She finally tells us what happened when she was sick for six years; turns out she had a rare parasitic infection. That was the first time she met Ryan (I keed, I keed). Her mom says it was hard to have a sick child because she just wanted to take away her pain.

Asseleigh says being able to be on this stage and do what she loves is kinda like life being perfect. In my perfect world she would have been voted off already, Tomato/tomahto.

She does that swaying her hips shit at the end that I always hate. As if I needed more reasons not to like her. What can I say? Even after that effective sob story, I still don’t like her. She’s not a horrible dancer; I just hate looking at her face. Is that too mean? 

The final couple dance of the night will be Russell and Mowee dancing a jive choreographed by Anya and Pasha. Oh man! They’re back and we don’t even get to see them? Pleh.

It was a really cute dance. I think they had great energy and really sold it. Of course that could be because I absolutely love him, but I’m going with they performed it well.

Nigel says he would not have wanted in any way, shape, or form to have followed Ellenore and Jakob. He thinks they are the only couple with this routine that could have done that tonight. He thinks they are two of their best performers and he wishes they had been together from the start.

Mary gives a shout out to Pasha and Anya.

Love you guys, hate that beret. 

She says that routine was so much fun and they brought it to life. And then she screams again. My neighbor’s dogs hate her.

Adam is feeling so good about this pairing, and he thinks they’re bringing out great things in each other: playfulness, respect and a great give and take. Fabulous.

And now we’ve reached the last solo of the night. Jakob. He tells us his dad’s whole life has been about sports, with his dad chiming in to say he tried to push him into different sports, but they weren’t really to his liking.

And then one day his mom took him to New York and took him to Broadway shows, and ballets and operas and he started to realize that he could maybe do that some day.

This kid is a fucking amazing dancer. I would love to see him and Danny dance on stage together because I think he is the first person I’ve ever seen on this show that could MAYBE give Danny a run for his money. MAYBE. It’s just ridiculous how good he is.

And with that, the top ten show has come to end. Did you notice how they fudged with the ordering so that Jakob was the last person to dance? Everyone else danced back to back with their partners, but they skipped over him after Ellenore and did Asseleigh and Legacy. Conspiracy theorists have at it.

So what did you think, Gasmi? Were you as blown away by Jakob and Ellenore as I was? Did Russell make you like Mowee more, or did she make you like Russell less? Based on the performances, I think the bottom four should be Noelle and Ryan, and Legacy and Asseleigh. Hopefully the hand walking queer and her parasitic husband will be going home.

I can’t wait to hear what you all think! 

I hope this didn’t feel too rushed, I just really wanted to get it all done and up for guys. And now I am jumping right into the results show, so hopefully that will be up soon. Until then……..

SWAK, PottyMouth