So You Think You Can Dance: Bondage and Poppin’ and Pussycats… Oh My!

This is it – elimination night round one – people will be dancing… for… their… lives… dun dun duunnnnn – it’s So You Think You Can Dance!

The evening begins with what may be the weirdest intro-dance I’ve ever seen on the show. Everyone “sneaks on the stage before the show starts” and kidnaps Nigel. All while doing a weird tribal-punk dance. It’s pretty interesting – but all over the place at the same time. Nigel’s overacting doesn’t help. Stick behind the desk Nigel – pretty people onstage only. And of course we find out it’s choreographed by Wade Robson. I should’ve known. I thought it had a touch of ego and a whisper of boyband. Voila!

Cat let’s us know that the bottom 3 couples will be dancing for their lives tonight. She then introduces the… (has audience say it) Judges! What’s the deal? She so enjoyed saying “JIDGES” the past few years and now, suddenly, she seems coy about it. Oh Cat. You’re so mysterious.

Nigel, Mary and Dan are all here again. The first 3 couples are brought out for results. First up, Kherington and Twitch – who did an AMAZING job the night before. And they are SAFE! Yeah! I love TWITCHINGTON!

Chelsea and Thayne are next. Chelsea was a hot, hot, hot number last night and poor lil’ Thayne just tried to hold on while the “Hot Tamale Train” was taking off. It appears they’re really hitting it off though…

“Ok – now say – ‘I’m just a jock and not usually into dudes but I’m really drunk and horny.”

Chelsea and Mark are also on the cutting block. Last night they performed Mia’s freaky little wedding dance – which was actually really good. As much shit as I give Mia, the girl can create some pretty amazing numbers.

Cat reads the results – and everybody’s SAFE! Everyone onstage goes nuts – goes apeshit.

Matt and Kourtni are up next. Last night they danced a little “Tainted Love” and that’s exactly what they got back from the judges. Most notably when Nigel told Matt he had a broom up his ass. Nice. And they are… IN THE BOTTOM THREE! WOW! I didn’t see that coming! Mary makes some comments that can’t be heard since the fucking mic’s haven’t been working all night. Seriously?!? You think FOX could spend some of that “Fruit Sensations” money on new equipment or what?!

Susie and Marquis are up – they had a BEAUTIFUL waltz the night before. And they are SAFE because of it! Next, Comfort and Chris are on the block. Comfort’s shoulder had popped out during rehearsal but she popped that sucker back in and kicked ass! I love this girl!

Taking “Pop Lockin’” to a whole other level.

We also have Jamie and Rayven up. I happened to love their routine (and have had the f*cking song in my head since then) but the judges were pretty mixed about it. Cat reveals the votes and Comfort and Chris are SAFE while Jamie and Rayven are in the bottom three. Booo! I love bubble gum hip-hop!

Nigel says it’s because they were the first couple on stage and the routine wasn’t memorable enough. He also feels that it could be because Rayven yanked Jamie’s pants down. UGH! Ok – I didn’t like that part – but obviously it was the choreographers idea – don’t rag on the friggin dancers about it! And if people are really offended by it they should be watching reruns of “Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman”. At least he had nice legs.

Up next, Katee and Joshua – who had the best routine in my opinion (and Nigel’s). They did the hip hop story of the guy going to war. Good thing for Katee – she had a lot to prove after the Vegas debacle. And they are SAFE!

Now it’s between Jessica & Will and Courtney & Gev for the last spot in the bottom 3. Jessica & Will’s tango garnered them rave reviews and Mary called them “the couple to beat”. Which I think is funny since when that’s said about about a couple – I’m sure the other couples contemplate actually physically beating them. Courtney and Gev did a little disco number and it was pretty bland. But then again – I’d rather watch lead paint dry in a baby’s room than watch disco dancing.

First SHOCKER of the season – it’s Jessica and Will that are in the bottom 3!! WHAT?!? Dan thinks that they DO NOT deserve to be in the bottom 3. As do the rest of us.

Thanks Captain Obvious.

And now because we need to fill the rest of the show, it’s time for a dance by Poppin Pete and Shonie! They do a whole Pop routine that’s amazing of course. Although, to me, poppin gets a little repetitive unless you add a little something to it – like a story – or crazy moves – or something. Otherwise it just looks like they’re standing there having a seizure most of the time.

Although Poppin Pete does some crazy shit with his fingers at one point and the girls go crazy. Can’t imagine why. Ick.

And for the finale they perform a “public service announcement move”…

It’s called “How to Put on a Human Condom”.

Poppin’ Pete teaches us that his brother started “Poppin” way back in 1975. Wow! This guy is full of useful info. Not as entertaining though as…

Snuggle Bear Dance Moves! UGH! I can’t BELIEVE how commercial the show has gone this year!!! Fucking Snuggle Bear Dance Segment?!?! Come on! It’s just random people around LA acting like assholes because they have a camera pointed at them.

I’d be much more entertained if we shoved Snuggle Bear into a hot fucking dryer for an hour – then dragged the jolly little fucker out and made him dance.

Moving on… first person dancing for their life tonight… Kourtni! She did a good job but I’m not sure it’s enough to save her. Matt, on the other hand, does a KICK ASS job. A very beautiful solo – you can tell he’s pulling all of his tricks out of his hat for it – which he should since… HE’S DANCING FOR HIS LIFE!

This is how he reaches the books on the top shelf. I mean, come on though, don’t we all? Personally I just use my mind… and chose not to read those books.

Up next, Rayven! She flits about the stage like a nutso ballerina – cute – but not amazing. I liked her in her dance number with Jamie better. Jamie performs his solo. He does the whole solo-swing dancer thing and unfortunately it’s nothing too impressive or memorable. I need to see some jumps and serious spins!

Although, thanks for letting us know it’s cold in there.

Jessica is up and she TOTALLY busts out the moves. Although it’s kind of just random moves thrown out there. I think the dancers need to concentrate on making better quality solos. Get on it people! And then came Will… EXCELLENT!!!! Best solo of the night! Different, challenging, and memorable. He kicks ass. I really like him!

The judges leave and dear God I wish I could follow. Here comes the Pussycat Dolls. UGH. It’s funny because there are NO close-ups during the whole performance. And the camera never stays still. It has to rock all over the place to give the illusion of fun and pretty girls that aren’t filled with silicone.

And I just love the outfits…

Let’s play “Where’s Waldo’s Slutty Sister?”!!!!!

After that complete waste of time, we’re back to Cat who is going to send us to commercial. Before that though – we get a peak at Nigel, Mary and Dan “deliberating” backstage:

Which I’m pretty sure consists of Mary telling Dan to sit and stay while Nigel holds out a treat. Good boy! Who’s gonna get a wardrobe that fits him now?! You are! You are!

We’re back from commercial and it’s time to find out who’s getting the boot. Kourtni’s up and Nigel tells her they’d love to see more of what went on in her solo – she’s SAFE! Meanwhile, he chastises Rayven for going on “demi-point”. Help!! WTF does that mean?! Jessica also gets torn out for not being strong enough but in the end… RAYVEN IS GOING HOME! Fly blackbird fly!

And sadly I don’t think her Mother will be handling it very well. Maybe Rayven craps uncontrollably all over the newspaper she lays out in the house.

Rayven is very thankful and optimistic – I’m sure there’ll be plenty of opportunities for her in the future. For instance, she just needs to become a semi-famous B-lister and she can be on “Dancing with the Stars”! Holy Tom Bergeron! Fantastic!

Time for the guys – Nigel again tells us that the decision is unanimous – I don’t know how that’s supposed to make the kid getting booted feel any better. “Hey kid – don’t feel so bad – it’s just that every single one of us hated your dance.”

Nigel blows a whole ton of sunshine up Will’s ass and tells him he’s super fantastic and there’s no reason for him to be in the bottom 3 – he’s SAFE! Now it’s between Matt and Jamie! Nigel comments that he’d love to fuse the two of them together – aka Mary’s ultimate sex fantasy – ew gross. Nigel says they love Jamie’s personality (OUCH for Matt) and they love Matt’s technique (OUCH for Jamie). Nigel then makes a HUGE point that they’re choosing technique over personality this time – and Matt is SAFE while JAMIE IS GOING HOME. Double ouch!! Can you imagine?!?! “Matt – we think you have ABSOLUTELY NO TRACE OF PERSONALITY – please stay with us and dance!”

Poor lil’ Jamie and Rayven are sent packing. Jamie is also thankful and calls everyone beautiful – but not before he starts to get choked up!! AHH! That kills me! He’s a good guy!!! I call BS! BS I say!

Take one guess who Cat liked better. FYI that’s Brit body language for “Piss off you skunk-headed ho!!”

So that’s it! What’s everyone think about the first elimination?!!? Fair? Unfair?! Totally ridic?!?! I really liked Jamie and Rayven’s hip hop routine but their solos were pretty weak. And what about Matt?! Will the kid be able to come up with a personality by next week?!? Hopefully he’ll create multiple ones and let us choose. Until then – give me a hollah and DISH IT!