Welcome to week two of the competition! Many of you felt no remorse for the axing of Jaime and Rayven last time – this show is cut-throat – it’s wicked…it’s passionate…it’s… So You Think You Can Dance!
Our lovely Cat comes out and runs the onstage gauntlet that is our top 18. She then introduces our (MAKES THE AUDIENCE SAY IT AGAIN!)…Judges! You know what’s funny? The only thing I couldn’t stand about Cat last year was when she said “JIDGES” – now she refuses – and I desperately want to hear her say it! Oh Cat – you are a tricky minx!!
Our judges tonight are Mia Michaels, Mary Murphy and of course, Nigel. And holy hairdo’s! What the hell were they thinking?!?
Mary looks like a wet dog. And what the fuck is she wearing?! Did she raid Paula Abdul’s closet?! and…
Mia – well… I don’t know what she did over the weekend but I’m guessing she went to a “white wedding”.
Mia opens up her mouth and manages to aggravate me half-way through her first sentence. She tells Cat that she thinks this season is going to be “BANOODLES”. SERIOUSLY?!?! Where the fuck does she get these friggin’ words from? The “How to Sound Like a Teenage Douchebag Dictionary”?! I can’t find her age anywhere on the internet but I’m guessing if I did it wouldn’t say “16″. You choreograph the most amazing dances and then open your mouth and say “BANOODLES”. YOU ARE KILLING ME. Love, bBitch
Mia goes on about how talented everyone is this year but notes “There’s a few that I’m not gonna be sad when they leave.” WHAT A BIIIIITCH! So rude! You know the kids backstage are thinking “Ummm – hope it’s not ME.” And 16 of them have yet to work with her – imagine their excitement now!
Cat introduces the theme of the night – before each couple dances we’ll hear what they think about each other – the best and the worst. I really had my hopes up that just ONE of them would be like “I really like how my partner dances but I hate the fact that she’s a total f*cking c*nt.” (stares blankly into camera) THAT WOULD’VE MADE MY YEAR. Instead we get cotton candy responses from the first two…
Thayne and Chelsea. Thayne tells us he loves how positive Chelsea is and does a hysterical impression of her…
Oh heeeelllll no boy!!!
Chelsea likes that Thayne is always smiling and happy…
BTW – how much does Chelsea look like she could be Lisa Rinna’s love child?!
Thayne hates that Chelsea falls asleep when they need to leave – Chelsea hates that Thayne needs to knock on wood. Ugh.
Back in rehearsal, they’re learning a jazz routine with Mandy Moore. The most interesting part is that Thayne is seriously OCD with the whole “knocking on wood” thing. He does it like every 5 seconds. It’s cute at first but I would’ve ended up beating him with a two by four and screaming “IS THAT GOOD ENOUGH!?!?” after 10 minutes of that shit. Call me aggressive I guess.
Seriously? I’d hate to be his roommate. You know he flicks the light switch 18 times before going to bed and knocks on this bed post while rocking himself to sleep.
It’s time for their big King versus Court Jester (?) jazz number. I want to like it because I actually like this couple. But it’s really random. It doesn’t really flow. It’s just a bunch of random moves and them jumping around like spastic renaissance fair-looking freaks. And there’s really no story to it. Not your best Mandy. It’s no “board room” scene from last year.
Mia says it was a great concept but not executed. I totally disagree – they were only dancing what they were taught – and there wasn’t much there. Mia calls Thayne “dumpy and not regal enough”. She finishes by saying they’ve been “kicked off the (hot tamale) train”. Best part – she had to read that line from her notes! While they were up there dancing she actually took the time to write that shit down. Oy.
Mary starts off with her same line from last week “I hate to put a damper on the first number of the night…” but unlike last week’s “fake out” – she finishes this time with, “but I’m going to.” UGH!!!
Dear Mary, There is no need to start off every critique with what you consider a witty line. It sounds written and retarded. If you think any of us don’t see your little fake-out’s coming from 3,000 miles away you are sorely mistaken. Please just skip that shit and get to the critique which you’re (amazingly enough) pretty good at. You are dangerously getting close to “Paula” territory. Alright? Oh and dry your hair and burn your crimper. Love, bBitz
Mary ends with telling the two they’re not off the train – just in the caboose. Double UGH.
Nigel goes into a 5 minute lecture about how awful their costumes were and then adds – but it’s not your fault. WTF?! Then why bring it up?!! Other than royally (like that? good pun huh?!) pissing off the costumers – what was the point?!
The kids then smile and say they think they tried the best – and that it’s all that matters. Aww. I really think all of them go through a PR/Spin class before starting the show.
Next up – Mark and Chelsea! Mark thinks Chelsea’s best feature is how her hair smells. If I wasn’t near positive that this kid has “0″ sexual interest in her I’d say that’s the creepiest thing I’ve ever heard on “Dance”. Meanwhile Chelsea thinks Mark is “quirky”.
Yeah – I’ll say. Quirky like he smells your hair while grinding his teeth “quirky”!
This week they’re dancing “Argentine Tango”. Alex DeSilva is teaching them – let’s hope it doesn’t end up with him berating Mark like last week’s Mia-debacle.
Mark gives us his impression of Mia from last week.
Mark and Chelsea then hit the floor with their tango and I think its amazing! So good! Totally what you would think of when entering a sultry, bar in Argentina circa 1930. Dirty, sexy, passionate…
And the fanciest footwork I’ve seen in a while! This part was great! It was like their feet were chasing each other.
And their facial expressions looked fantastic too! They totally looked liked they were really into it. Although Mark could have just been making that face because he had to go 3 minutes without smelling her hair.
After the dance Chelsea’s shoe got screwed up and Cat was sweet enough to bend down and fix it. To which…
Billy Idol praises Cat for getting on her knees and dirty… and casts a lesbian spell on her. No seriously.
Mia tells the kids how much she loves them. She goes on and on about Mark’s uniqueness and Chelea’s beauty – just stopping short before she slathers them with mayo and gobbles them up. Mary does one of her stupid fucking dramatic lines and says “You know what I loved about it?” And I said “Everything, right?” And then she said “Everything!” like we never thought she’d say that. And then I died a little inside.
Nigel loved it but gets just a little bit critical with Chelsea – but that’s his way of course.
Next up – Will and Jessica. Will loves Jessica’s personality. Like her stupid faces:
I’m not so sure Will gets the message Jessica’s sending with her “stupid faces”.
Jessica likes that Will is so focused. (Some call it boring.) Will says he doesn’t like how Jessica’s hard on herself when she shouldn’t be. Yeah – leave that to me – stop taking all the fun away.
They’re both upset at last week’s results – being in the bottom three and all. But they’re excited that ghetto-butch choreographers Cecily and Olisa are here to help them this week with their hip-hop routine. I don’t know which one’s which but take a guess which one thinks she’s cool…
Yeah – and she wears those friggin’ glasses through the entire session. Ugh. Anyways, Will and Jessica are excited to be doing a fun routine and hope this will turn America’s votes around.
It’s time for them to hit the floor and it seems they start off well but kind of “cotton candy-ish”. Jessica’s smiling the whole time and it looks like old-timey-Jazz meets hip-hop. It has its moments but there’s nothing too exciting. Except for one really dangerous part…
Those are IKEA chairs they are jumping on. I have these chairs in my apartment. And anyone who knows IKEA knows those things will explode under very little stress and pressure. They’re made to last approximately 30 days after purchase (coincidentally also the amount of time given by IKEA to return these crappy items.) Tread lightly dear hip-hoppers.
Mia gives props to Salt n Peppa for their “dirty” choreography. Then she turns the claws on Jessica for not keeping up with God-sent, Will. See Jessica? The judges beat you up so you don’t have to!
Mary also gives Will a verbal blow job while verbally defecating on Jessica. The guy is definitely good but geez, give the girl a little break. Then comes Nigel who does just that. It’s scaring me how much I’m agreeing with him this season. He says she did fine considering it’s completely different from what she usually does. However this only puts her on borrowed time!
Next up – Matt and Kourtni! Matt loves Kourtni’s eyes and she loves that he compliments her all the time. If the boy wasn’t a dancer AND wearing an earring I’d say Kourtni had a shot at love. Instead I’m guessing she’ll have a “Man of Honor” at her wedding.
Kourtni hates Matt’s singing. It really is awful. Imagine a dying animal. Then stick a broom up its ass (props to Nigel). That’s what it sounds like.
They’re really bummed about being in the bottom 3 again this week. They were both all teary-eyed about it. I was actually really surprised. I’m betting now that it doesn’t happen again until much later in the season.
This week they’re learning the fox trot with Jean-Marc. Which I think their height will be an advantage with. Except for the crazy flips moves they’re trying. At one point Kourtni’s choch gets thrown up in Matt’s face:
This is his reenactment of how excited he was to have her lady parts in his face. And he says “It wasn’t pretty.” So much for pretty eyes huh?
The two hit the stage with a ton of pizzaz and flair. It’s a very light, feel-good number that reminds you of an old-fashioned movie-musical. It’s much more entertaining than last week’s jazz number.
“Just keep that thing pointed away from me, sister.”
Mia thinks the dance was pure Hollywood elegance and loooves Matt. Yeah for Matt love! Mia says his “personality” is finally showing. However – she says Kourtni only shows strength when her legs are in the air.” What?! Oh no she di’nt! Those are fighting words. Kourtni should have been like “Well at least I can raise my legs! Hey oh!” But she just stands there and nods. Boo.
Meanwhile, Mary gets really technical with the critique – which is great. Mary’s actually really good with this when she’s not using some stupid joke/set-up/witty remark the producers are probably writing down for her. She nails them for sloppy footwork and specifically pin points the areas they did it in. Damn! Mary on a roll! I like these two but Mary knows her shit and they gotta step up.
Nigel says he’s not disappointed and compliments Matt on being able to lift Kourtni’s fat ass (in so many words). He also says they give fake face during the performance. And then finally ends with the hook of “but I loved it and thought it was wonderful.” HUH?!
Next up – Courtney and Gev! Courtney like Gev because he’s so strong. Really?! Gev likes Courtney because she’s pretty. And doesn’t like her because she has a boyfriend. I would’ve died laughing if he followed it with “But on the good side again, she’s totally unfaithful and gives stellar head.”
Last week I was not feeling their Disco so hopefully things will go better. I guess last week might have gone poorly because Gev had to wear a “dance belt”. Which is like a jock strap for dancers. Keeps the junk in order.
This week they’re doing a contemporary peace with Mandy Moore. They’re intimacy is working for them during the rehearsal. Luckily for Gev he has the dance belt to keep the chub under control for the up close moves.
I thought they were kidding about intimacy until I saw their first move on stage:
“Alert! Dance belt needed on stage immediately!! Bring duct tape!!”
The dance is really weird. It seems passionate at times – but then others – I don’t know. And it ends with the oddest “move” ever:
Uhhh… I’d understand if they were dancing to Britney’s “Slave 4 U”. But come on. Seriously?
Well – Mia loves Mandy’s choreography. And then (for the 3rd time tonight) tears into the female dancer. She says she expects more from her and THEN GOES ON TO TELL GEV HOW AMAZING HE IS.
Mary LOVED it and even gives it a classic Mary scream. I guess I missed the boat on this one. Nigel thinks they work really well as a couple but he had trouble believing their chemistry. HUH?! Nigel’s the King of passive aggressive-town tonight. And then Cat says she wants to put them in her pocket cause they’re so small. I bet she’d feed them bits of crumpets.
Up next – Katee and Joshua. Katee loves that Joshua is so caring and Joshua loves Katee’s smile. Oy. Come on people – a little dirt! This is FOX for cripes sake. If you can think of anything bad to say – make it up!
Last week they did the KICK ASS “No Air” Hip-Hop routine. It was SO good. My favorite so far this season I think. This week they’re doing the complete opposite end of the spectrum – Broadway with Tyce! Tyce is really gaying it up so it should be quite the show stopper. Either that or they’ll get laughed off the stage.
The dance starts and I LOVE Joshua’s outfit! SO cute:
Although I could do without the patch that makes it look like he pissed himself.
Their routine is very, VERY high energy and they do a great job of nailing all the moves. Katee’s a great dancer but Joshua steal the show a couple of times, like here:
“No no – you just stand there Katee- let ME do all the friggin’ work.”
The judges all love it and Nigel even gets up and dances around in celebration – reminding all of us why he’s retired from dancing. Nigel calls it pure entertainment and is shocked that such a thing can come from a “poppah”!
Mary says they should come with a warning “Satisfaction Guarantee”. And then goes on to tearfully say that Joshua is on the “tra la la train” to her heart. W…T…F??!! Someone give her a “poppah” and a time out.
With the 10 seconds that was left for Mia she jokes and says “It sucked”. Joke or no joke – the audience turned on her like a vicious animal. Love it!
Up next – Susie and Marquis. Marquis loves Susie’s energy – which is supplied by “energy drinks”. I thought it was funny that you know he probably said “Red Bulls” but the producers were like “Dude – unless you’re saying she loves to chew Fruit Sensations gum and/or fuck Snuggle Bear – don’t use product names – now do it again!”
Susie loves that Marquis is a goofball but doesn’t like that Marquis is always eating and has bad breath. Meanwhile Marquis says he hates her nappy hair.
This week it’s Salsa with Alex Da Silva. To which the kids have to take direction in Spanish – in just 90 minutes. I would not be cool with that. No es bueno.
Susie starts to freak out because she think’s Alex expects more out of her than she can give. Which brings us to the most uncomfortable camera shot of the season so far:
“Ummm – I think you may want a mint.”
Talk about a missed opportunity for an ad for Fruit Sensations gum. Way to go FOX. And btw – how much friggin’ hair gel does that man use?!
The salsa being and things seem to be going pretty well. We have some fast spins and snazzy moves. Susie seems a little nervous. Like she’s concentrating too hard.
Mia loves Alex’s choreography but did not enjoy the performance. What?! I don’t really agree with that. I think at least half of how well the dancers do depends on the routine they’re given. And by saying that, Mia’s just kissing ass so she can hammer away guilt-free at the dancers.
Mary says it wasn’t there for her either. I kind of agree. They started out strong and then became slow – and in the judges word’s – “labored”. Nigel feels the same and says it lacked fire. Consensus: No es fuego.
Next up – Kherington and Twitch. Twitch likes Kton’s (fuck that – I am not spelling that name out all season) positivity.
And it doesn’t look forced one bit.
Kton loves Twitches big muscles but doesn’t like that he wears fake glasses. Be nice Kton. He didn’t bring your fake smile into this.
Last week they burned things up and this week they have the Viennese Waltz with Jean-Marc and his wife Franz (sp?). Jean-Marc is basing this on his daughter’s story – who currently lives with a disease that debilitates her motor skills. Oy. Heavy stuff. The pressure’s on for Kton and Twitch. “Here’s my daughter’s life story – if you fuck it up I’ll never forgive you.”
Twitch and Kton perform their routine and it’s quite the tear-jerker. Very sweet, flowing and touching. It reminds me a lot of Mia’s “father/daughter” dance last year. The only thing I didn’t like is how it ended – kind of abruptly. I almost waited for the audience to count down and hear “so you think you can dance… dance… dance…”
Mia loved the essence of the dance… and the choreography… but had a problem with… KHERINGTON’S SMILE. WHAT?! Mia – are you kidding me?! Mia says although there’s “beauty but there’s also reality” and she shouldn’t have been smiling (apparently since Jean-Marc’s daughter has no reason to be happy).
But wait – here comes Nigel – riding in on his righteous wave of “shut the fuck up Mia”! Hooray!! Nigel says Kton’s not suppose to be the daughter – it’s to make the daughter happy. Mia counters with “Well we all have our opinion” to which I think Nigel then made a mental note to only allow Mia to choreograph – not judge – next season. INDEED.
Kton goes on to say that Jean-Marc said the show makes his daughter smile and that’s why she was smiling. How’s it feel to be 3 inches tall Mia?
“I’m gonna shut my mouth now.” AAAND THANK YOU.
Mary loved the dance and tells Twitch he’s “insane”. Wow – the men are really bringing it in tonight. Nigel starts to give us the history of the Viennese Waltz – once I woke up he finishes by saying that they breathed together – which is a mark of a great dancing pair.
Time for our final couple – Comfort and Chris! Comfort loves how humble Chris while Chris loves that she’s versatile. Yeah – I get that vibe too. Get her a tool belt and a table saw for Christmas and watch her face light up.
We also get to learn that Chris has sweaty pits. I’m glad the show waited until the last couple’s “interviews” to let things hit rock bottom. GROSS.
Back in rehearsal, Comfort and Chris are learning a hip-hop routine with Lil’ C. Chris is trying to “hit it” as hard as a very white boy from Maryland can. Methinks the judges will eat him alive.
Comfort and Chris hit the stage. Chris looks like he has a “trendy” scarf on but upon further inspection I think it’s actually a sarong. They pump and thrust but it really just looks forced.
Mia loved Chris’ performance and gives him props for pulling it off. Mary liked it but was a little more negative to the end. And then…
Nigel yanks on his penis. Which is a signal to the other producers that the show’s almost over. He’s 2 drinks away. (FYI – I’m shaking his left hand if I ever meet him.)
Nigel makes a ton of fun of Chris and tells him he has to be more “masculine”. If there had been a locker onstage I’m pretty sure Nigel would have kicked him in the balls and shoved him in it.
And that’s it! Yeah! What did everyone think? Was Chelsea and Mark’s your fav like mine was?! Were you feeling Marquis and Shakira’s dance? Did Kton’s smile distract you?! Who had a worse haircut – Mary or Mia?! DISH IT!!!!