So You Think You Can Dance: Pick A Winner Already!

We’re down to the sweet 16 – who will shine – who will fall – who will ride the Hot Tamale Train to obscurity?! It’s… So You Think You Can Dance!

Our lovely host Cat comes prancing out and — WTF is she wearing?! It looks like she took her mother’s wedding gown and sluttified it…

“Mummy look! I’m a randy bride now! And I’m not wearing me drawers!”

Off to the judges – we have Adam Shankman tonight! Who I love – he created the movie version of “Hairspray” (fantastic!) and he’s an all around nice guy – much more than we can say for the last judge who took his seat!

Also Mary Murphy (wearing enough bedazzle-bling to blind a bat) and Nigel (who changes his hair more than any man above the age of 50 I know).

Cat asks how Adam likes her outfit and he responds “I almost wore the same thing!” I love how he’s become increasingly gay-sassy. I’d love to see him and Mia go at it in a mud pit.

Mary comments that this season will be our best season yet. Ehhhh – don’t know about that. I was really jazzed over several people in the last seasons – this season I’m so-so – hopefully that’ll change. My hopes are on a spare few.

Nigel gives a little speech about Cyd Charisse – a fantastic and ground-breaking dancer who recently passed away. I looooved her in “Singin’ in the Rain”! Her number makes very little sense in the scheme of the movie but it steals the show.

Our hats go off to you girl.

Up first tonight – Kherington (Kton) and Twitch! But first – each couple is going to tell us about their partner! WHAT?!?!!? DEAR GOD!!!!! DIDN’T WE DO THIS LAST WEEK?!?! ARRRRGGGGG! Who the fuck writes for this show?! Who does the interviews! I want their head on a platter! SHIT. UGH – well here we go again…

Kton tells us Twitch sounds like a bear when he laughs. We get clips of Twitch when he laughs – and nope – no bear sounds. However I’m pretty sure she gets that because he does sound like Baloo from “The Jungle Book”. And I’m guessing she still watches it every night while sipping hot cocoa and playing Mall Madness – because she’s 12.

Twitch says Kton has a shopping problem. She buys too many shoes. Twitch asks us to ask her to “Please stop!” if we see her shopping. I live in LA so this could happen. And I guarantee you if I DID see her – the first words out of my mouth would be “OH MY GOD! Wasn’t Mia such a bitch with the whole “smile” thing??!?” And she’d be like “Totally! OMG – did you want to come back with me and hang with the cast and play Mall Madness?!” And I’d be like “AHHH I’d love to!!!!!! But I have to go sit in front of my computer for hours to write about your show instead.” Tear.

Can we talk about Twitch for a second?

Normally I’d tear someone up for wearing stupid ass no-glass glasses – but on him I find them quirky and even a little cute. WHAT’S WRONG WITH ME?! Is Twitch winning me over?! Does anyone else have this problem?! I have the Twitch Itch! (Wow – that sounds bad.)

This week they’re doing Hip-Hop with the wonder twins – Nap and Tab.

Now these two I have no problem tearing up. Those hats are RETARDED. And did Tab get a nose job since last week? She looks like Jennifer Grey.

They’re all worried about Kton being able to keep up with Twitch – but she’s actually doing a fine job. Twitch calls her “gangsta”. Wellll – let’s not push it.

It’s off to the dance floor and whhaaaat’s this…

They’re doing a whole “escape from jail” routine to Hip-Hop. Yikes. At least they’re not being stereotypical. Can’t wait to see the Salsa routine with migrant workers later tonight.

It’s a pretty good routine. Ironically Kton smiles through most of it – which I’m not sure is appropriate this time around. They run around a bit and it almost seems like a screwball comedy-esqe style of Hip-Hop.

Nigel says he’ll start with the positives – brilliant dancers, great spirit, great choreography – and surprise – there are no negatives. Mary thinks they both nailed it and then screams so loud the paint vibrates off the walls.

Adam makes a joke about not missing the screams…

And then Mary turns into that drunk girl at a party that leans all over you and tells you how much she loves you no matter how much you say “But we just met and I think you just wet yourself.”

Adam loved it too and actually offers some quality advice about hitting the beats right and never dropping character – which Kton did a few times. This is all much more useful than screaming into the mic.

Next up – a Rumba with Courtney and Gev! Courtney tells us Gev looked like a little girl when he was little. Gev tells us Courtney wants to be a teacher! How insightful! It’s like watching an issue of Teen Beat.

Their choreographers this week are a new couple – Tony and Melanie. They actually look normal which is a nice change of pace. Although I may have seen Melanie in a drag show once.

Best part of the rehearsal is when they’re screaming at Gev to “GRAB HER BUTT! GRAB HER BUTT!”

“And now it rubs the lotion on its body!”

Time for the Rumba! And Courtney’s shakin’ da booty right off the bat. The dance is pretty great – it definitely looks like something you’d see in a pro-competition. It’s super sexually-charged and…

He grabbed that ass! Be proud Tony and Melanie!

Nigel was very happy with the routine. He thinks they have a great chemistry and I agree – I think Courtney’s playing her role of mind-fucker quite well with Gev.

Mary loved it too. If she screams she’s exceeded her limit for the night. She then goes into technical detail about all of their qualities. It always amazes me how much Mary knows when she’s not letting her stupid “hijinx” get the best of her.

Adam thinks it was great – and likes Gev’s strength. Adam goes into his “tips for the future” because he also thinks this couple “will be around for awhile”. I can’t wait until we get to a couple where he’s like “Eh – whatever – what’s the point? You’ll be out in a week.”

Nigel cuts Adam off at one point and says “Come on now – we don’t have soup and blankets for the audience!” OUCH! Someone doesn’t like being upstaged! Nigel and Mary go on to make fun of Adam’s lengthy comments…

If there’s a God this will be the only time these two sleep together. Otherwise – I don’t want to be here for the apocalypse.

Up next – Comfort and Chris dancing a jazz routine! I’m really hoping Chris steps it up this week – so far Vanilla has been “eh”.

Comfort hates how Chris takes everyone’s food. We see a clip of him eating Thayne’s food off his fork.

Awww…. it’s gonna be even cuter when they do it with wedding cake.

And I love Comfort’s face there – classic! Chris tells us that when Comfort was little she was a beauty pageant girl. Which I don’t find surprising. Those girls may look sweet but they are ruthless lil’ bitches that will cut you just to get a jar of vaseline for their teeth.

Tyce is giving them an earthy/raw jazz number this week. He calls it “African” and Comfort freezes. (sound of record screeching off the track) I’m pretty sure you could hear a pin drop in every home of America watching this show in that moment. And then Comfort says, “African? That’s me!” and smiles. Whew.

Then Tyce brings out sheets and Chris asks “What are those for?” I would have died laughing if Tyce started saying “Well – we’re gonna poke a hole in it – and you’ll be on one side – Comfort – you on the other…” Turns out the sheets are just supposed to be “mud”. Boo.

They start and they’re dancing jazz to Marilyn Manson’s “Beautiful People”! WHA?! Hope this is good! Comfort seems to be really getting into it but Vanilla just doesn’t seem right doing it. I don’t think it’s ever gonna click with this poor kid. I don’t know if the judges are gonna love it but I don’t really like it. You know when you feel like it’s just a lot of “jumping around”? Yeah.

Begging for forgiveness might be a good start.

Yup – Nigel’s not happy with it. He wanted it to be dirtier – harder – more animalistic – much like the night he and Mary met. Mary agrees and thought it just lacked something overall. Yup. That’s Vanilla for ya. And seriously – if you’re gonna dance to a Marilyn song – the devil himself better come out of you – walk over to the judges table – and bitch slap every one of them. And Mary adds – “Sorry Chris – it’s not gonna get a scream from me tonight.” Well – thank you for that Chris and Comfort.

Adam agrees with Nigel and Mary and adds that he didn’t feel like they were dancing through the music instead of to the music. Yeah – that and don’t be so f-ing boring.

Before they head off the stage Comfort playfully punches Chris – I have a feeling that’s just the beginning of the hurt she’s gonna bring down on him.

Up next – Jessica and Will! Will tells us that Jessica’s nickname is Ariel. Awww how sweet. Hey Jessica, remember how the Little Mermaid’s dance partner always outshone her and turned her suicidal? Awww… that’s the best Disney movie ever. Meanwhile, Jessica tells us what wonderful gentleman Will is. And I swear she says it with a tone of “Yup – isn’t he just fucking PERFECT?!!?”

Last week the judges blew sunshine up Will’s ass and a handful of rusty nails up poor Jessica’s. They’re really working hard to make her shine this week with Disco. And the choreographer, Dorianna, is NOT happy so far with her. She keeps saying “Jessica is NOT trying hard enough! She’s not good enough!” – cut to Jessica going “She’s been really sweet to me.” HA HA HA.

“Bitch – you ever been slapped by a Disco Queen before?!? I’m gonna knock the red right outta your hair!”

Time for the Disco dance to hit the floor – and so will Jessica if she f’s this up. They actually start out really strong and although I’m not a fan of disco – they’re quite entertaining! There’s a lot of “tricks” but it seems to be flowing well with the style of dance. Lil’ Jessica has a smile plastered to her face and seems intent on convincing the judges if she’s having fun – they damn well better be too.

There’s only a few slip-ups I noticed – one was where Jessica went into a downward spiral and smashed her chest on the floor:

You can’t see it well here but trust me when I say – she bounced.

And the other slip up was the final move (and actually kind of cute):

“Bitch don’t make me look bad!” “Good Little Mermaid.”

Adam calls it out right away and Cat gives him shit for doing it. Uhh Cat – we may be American but we’re not that stupid. We can clearly see when there’s a fuck-up. Adam gives Jessica props for throwing her arm in to make a line match. Indeed!

Nigel says Disco can be cheesy if not done well (see week one) but that Will and Jessica did a great job tonight. WHEW! Jessica totally just unclenched for the first time since last week. Although Nigel does point out there were a few fuck-ups. Most importantly though – he’s glad they pulled off the mistakes. I would have said the most important thing would be to make no mistakes but I guess I’m just a dance fascist.

Mary agrees and applauds Will for his character and blossoming personality and Jessica for not sucking. She then yells something in a high pitch. If you have a pet, hold them to the TV and ask them what the fuck she said cause I have no clue.

Adam thinks they did a fantastic job what with the difficult choreography they were given. Which he is right – if you didn’t see the show – I could have done like 10 more screen shots of different moves they did. Adam also thinks it’s scary how beautiful Jessica is and says she needs to recognize her dance skillz. Word to the Shankman.

Nigel adds that he was most impressed with Will’s “Travolta Move” which he reenacts:

Apparently Will presses an imaginary button that makes Cat’s knees weak… or her tampon drop.

Next up – Matt and Kourtni! Matt tells us about Kourtni’s tatoo on the back of her neck – which says “…and so she would dance.” Let’s hope that after this experience she doesn’t have to change it to “and so she thought she could dance.”

Kourtni tells us that Matt has a ninja mask that he likes to wear:

I don’t even know what to say about this. First of all… WTF?! Secondly, it looks like he cut a hole in a pair of undies. And lastly…

I hope Matt’s not the real identity of this fucknut.

Matt’s really nervous that they got “contemporary” since it’s his style and the stakes will be raised. No worries though – I’m sure when they meet their choreographer she will give them a sense of calm, confidence and security…

Nevermind.

It seems like everyone has a grand old time in rehearsal. They’re doing a comic book-style contemporary dance. It definitely seems like it will be something a little different – which is exactly what these two need.

Kourtni and Matt start their comic-book-saga and it’s… well it’s weird. But it’s contemporary so I guess it’s to be expected.

Matt strangles himself a lot with the tie though. I think Sonya’s a big fan of auto-erotic asphyxiation.

Nigel liked the twist on the usual contemporary style and thought Matt and Kourtni’s technique was on point. Although he wishes Matt would loosen up more. How loose do you need him Nigel?!?

Mary liked it and said “she’s buying what’s on sale”. Sometimes I don’t even know if we’re watching the same show she is.

She also adds that the broom is finally “out” of Mark and he’s sweeping the floor with it. She does this while looking like a drunken sailor. (BTW – And exactly who wants to touch that broom once it’s out?!)

Adam calls Matt weird for wearing a ninja mask. I guess Adam never went through a leather phase like I thought he would’ve. He also hated Kourtni’s wardrobe and called it a dumpy trashbag. WOW. Wardrobe’s gonna dress Adam in shard’s of glass in the next episode.

Next up – Chelsea and Thayne take on the quick step! Chelsea tells us the one thing that America doesn’t know about Thayne is that he’s like a fashion designer. HUH?! WHAT?! NO! I don’t believe it!!! Turns out he makes his own shirts too. I’m not gonna lie – I want that shirt he made. Although I’d need a dancer’s body first – otherwise I’ll fill it out like a water balloon.

On the other hand, Thayne tells us that Chelsea steals flowers.

And then they show several clips of the girl literally stealing flowers. Shit, Thayne. You could have just gone with “She likes the color blue.” Not, “My partner’s a fucking klepto – here look!”

Chelsea and Thayne are both bummed about last week’s “royal” dance but are quite positive for this week. They better be – another time in the bottom three and it won’t be looking good.

During rehearsal they both are trying desperately hard to learn the two-step. I give them credit – I think that is THE hardest dance to learn. There’s like a million rules and a thousand different ways to fuck it up.

Thayne has a lot of interview time during this segment and I must say he’s really growing on me. I think he probably has the most personality out of everyone in the competition – and Chelsea follows close behind in that category. I wish they hadn’t gotten screwed with two-step.

“Yessiree – that two step is fixin’ to screw us real nicely!”

And so it’s time – they’re dancing to one of my fav songs – Phil Collin’s “Can’t Hurry Love”! So it’s gotta be good! Right? Actually – it turns out I think the song is the worst thing about it. The two-step is so regal and formal – it works much better with a refined and elegant song – not an 80′s pop splash.

Chelsea and Thayne really try to pull off a fun yet structured routine…

“Light as a feather, stiff as a board… light as a feather… stiff as a board…”

Nigel thought their personalities were lost during the performance and that they’re smiles were fake.

He gives them an example by doing his “Mary Murphy” impression.

Although Nigel adds that they did better than he thought they would. Ouch. Backhanded compliment! He ends by saying “Get your solos ready.” Subtlety is not his strong point.

Mary gives them credit for doing such a difficult dance – but notes many contestants have done it before and shined. She then tells Chelsea she let Thayne down and goes into an entire explanation (in – i shit you not – a serious tone) of the hot tamale train and how they’ve worked their way down that analogy. From on the train… to caboose… to off the train. WOW.

I honestly think they cut her off before she could continue, “…And now you are in the hot tamale station – it’s cold in there – perhaps the AC is on too high – and you’re buying tickets – perhaps a pack of gum as well – “Fruit Sensations” gum to be exact.”

Adam congratulates them on being great dancers and adds they have great trust. Did he see the clip where Thayne calls the police on Chelsea for stealing someone’s petunia’s?

Up next – one of my fav couples – Mark and Chelsi! I really think this couple has the chance to make it far cause they’re so…

Classy.

Chelsi lets us know that Mark has crooked fingers – ew gross. And Mark tells us Chelsi acts like a tomboy…

Does she remind anyone else of Tara Reid?

This week they’re doing a Hip-Hop routine with Tab & Nap. It looks like it’s gonna be good and my hopes are high. The rehearsal seems to be going really well…

And Mark shows Chelsi how he got a spot on the show.

The kids hit the stage and HOLY SHIT!! I LOVE IT! Tab & Nap are seriously excellent choreographers. I love routines that have style, originality and a story – and this is their second hit for me. And it’s suspenseful…

At one point Mark stops the Alien baby from ripping out of Chelsi’s chest.

The crowd goes WILD afterwards – I would too if I was there. Nigel adds a little shot at “America’s Best Dance Crew” and says he’s glad Nap & Tab came to “America’s real #1 dance show” – looks like someone’s a little pissed at Randy Jackson for stealing Shane Sparks. I love the drama! And hopefully this means Randy will be replaced on “AI” next season! I think Triumph the Insult Dog would be a perfect replacement. Yeah Dawg!

Nigel goes on and on about how great it was. And Mary – the most anti-climatic judge ever – does a dramatic pause and then screams her approval. She then gives a scripted response about going to work and leaving loved ones behind.

Adam’s turn…

He goes ape-shit! It looks like he ripped his hemorrhoid open.

I love how Mary pulls back from him like “This could get messy.” Anyways, Adam loved it and congratulates Tab & Nap for redefining the genre of Hip-Hop. Wow – their head are gonna be huge(r)!

And now for our last couple – Katee and Josh! My other fav! Funny how they save the best couples for last so the show ends on a high note! Trickery!

Katee tells us although Joshua seems tough because he rides dirt bikes – he’s actually a sweet teddy bear. I love how this is suppose to be huge news – like we should be shocked that a dancer who smiles 24/7 isn’t a huge prick.

Joshua reveals that Katee screams like a boy. Ha! This is actually funny…

“He said I scream like a man?!? AY YAH!!!!” (BTW – I think we know where Matt’s broomstick went.)

This week they have the Samba – and have high standards to live up to after last week’s fantastic broadway number! Tony and Melanie return to help them out.

Although Joshua is shitting himself in rehearsals he does seem impressed with Katee’s hotness at several points. I smell “Love Story”! Let’s hope the producers exploit the shit out of that.

Side note:

Is there a reason Melanie and Tony always stand there like the friggin’ A-Team?

It’s finally time to strut their sexy selves and they start off with one helluva kick:

“A little butter and salt and mmm mmmm mmm…”

I can’t believe how fast Joshua’s hips can move! Ay yay yay! And Katee is super sexual for the first time. What’s up with another “half-dress though”? It looks like the Samba-version of “Victor/Victoria”.

Nigel thinks it was hot and is pleased “they found the other half of Coutney’s dress.” LOL. Nice one Nigel – you’re a hoot. He tells Joshua he has a very natural Samba rhythm and calls out his fine ass in those pants – to which he asks “Did you get those fine buns from your Daddy?” WHHHAAAAATTTT?!?!?!? What is going on here?!?! Joshua’s Dad then show’s his ass to the world – what a good sport…

But to answer Nigel’s question… “No – Joshua definitely did not.”

Anyways, Nigel calls them one of four couples to beat tonight. Mary then goes through a whole “check list” of things they needed to do – I’ll save you all the 15 minute lecture she did – in short, they completed all checks and are now on the fucking hot tamale train. But wait – she also gives them “TWO FIRST CLASS TICKETS!!!” Oh how I wish they would’ve said “That’s sweet Mary – but why don’t you and Mia use them and take the hot tamale train to America’s Best Dance Crew.”

Adam reprimands Katee for not thinking she’s pretty enough. Aww – tough love. I was waiting for her mother to yell “She could always be prettier though!” from the audience.

AND THAT’S IT! This has been the longest recap for me. Hope you all enjoyed it. What did everyone think about the latest developments? I have to admit that I was a little skeptical about this season but I think it took giant leaps forward this episode. Agree? Disagree?! Anyone have the Twitch Itch?! Give me your feedback – feedback – oh! Thayne skin, Twitch skin, my Ka-tee persuasion! (Get it?) Come on and DISH IT!!!