Sweet Sixteen

[by Betty White]

Before we get to the recap of Wednesday’s “So You Think You Can Dance,” let’s discuss the shocking announcement that came earlier this week. Even though we were teased and promised a guest appearance by “American Idol” judge and general moron Paula Abdul, she’s backing out. Paula was supposed to be a guest choreographer for a few weeks, but her publicist Ken Sunshine (can’t possibly be his real name) cited her too-busy schedule as a reason she couldn’t do it. Really, either Paula decided to pull out because she didn’t want to be associated with SYTYCD’s lackluster ratings, or more likely, Fox was worried she might give preferential treatment – maybe even personal coaching – to one of the very few straight male dancers in this competition. But whatever the reason, this season (will there be more than one season of this show? God, I hope not.) will be Paula Abdul-free.I sat down to watch the hour and a half (I guess that’s what we’ll get every week) airing of SYTYCD. I power up the TiVo, select SYTYCD, fast forward through the catchy opening and commercials to get to the show itself. The show starts with the choreographers cutting the group of 24 down to the final 16. Wait! Huh? Did I miss something? I rewind TiVo. Nope, trusty TiVo didn’t screw up. This is how the show starts. I’m confused. Didn’t last week’s episode end with them paring the 50 dancers down to 24? Has there been more dancing we didn’t see? By the show’s end, I deduce that the choreographers have spent the last week going over the tapes of the performances like the Michael Jackson jury reviewing ABC’s Martin Bashir documentary at Jackson’s child molestation trial. You have to make sure they didn’t miss anything the first time, I guess.

Lauren Sanchez and her ENORMOUS cleavage shows us the holding room for the dancers. I just can’t get past those cantaloupes on her chest. If they were anywhere near my face I’d be afraid her bouncing around would give me a black eye. Apparently, the contestants will be waiting there for hours to face the choreographers. Will they get sent to the “yes” room or the “no” room? Ahhhh, the suspense. Not really. Remember SYTYCD producers, with the exception of one or two dancers that you’ve focused on in previous weeks, we don’t care one way or another about this bunch of idiots, so please, pick up the pace. Seriously, Three hours to take 50 down to 16, is there any wonder nobody talks about this show?

Quick, count the plastic surgeries. You have ten seconds.

We see some of these contestants for what seems the first time, as they face the judges. We’re introduced to Jonathan Tannis, who goes by “Jonnis.” Again, the creativity that these people use in their name selection is amazing. Last week we saw Jewish choreographer Be Free (real name: Brian Friedman), and this week, Jonnis has created a new name by combining his first and last names into one. Get it, Jon from Jonathan, and nis from Tannis. The TVgasm offices have obviously taken some pointers from these guys. J-Unit’s real name is Jelly Bean Apartment Unit, but he just goes by “J-Unit.” Clever, huh?

Pretty soon, I’m onto these choreographers. They create fake suspense with both the contestants and the audience by making each person who is going to go through to the next round sweat it out and think they are not going to make it. We watch stoic dancers, saving their tears for the “no” room, only to be surprised when one of the choreographers shouts, “You’re going through to the next round!” Shock registers on their faces! There are tears of joy! And a few “you guys are mean.” But hey, these choreographers need to get their rocks off somehow. The dancers who don’t make it are generally dismissed pretty quickly with a “sorry,” although occasionally, there is a tearful goodbye by one of the choreographers (usually ballroom Mary or lyrical Mia, ’cause really, no one person under the age of 50 specializes in those areas anymore, so even if they’re good in those classes, it’s not enough), but we don’t care.

As the contestants leave the judging room for hallway outside the respective “yes” and “no” rooms, their friend and confidante Lauren Sanchez is there to greet them with fake enthusiasm. Destiny, a relatively unremarkable dancer outside of her rather large ass, gets a hug as Lauren feigns sincerity with hands clasped across her GIGANTIC breasts. Lauren’s acting is so bad, she couldn’t get a speaking role doing puppet theater in Silver Lake.

One of the dancers meets the camera for what we think is going to be a sentimental moment. “My mom is going to be so excited!” she shrieks, jumping up and down. Yeah, yeah, I think, we know, you did this for your mom, she took three jobs to help pay for your dances lessons. She tugs at her strapless top like Kelly Monaco’s near-wardrobe malfunction doing the samba routine in “Dancing With the Stars.” “My mom is going to be so excited that my top didn’t fall down,” she tells us. Other reasons her mom is proud of her: she can tie her own shoes and make toast.

Fox wowed us with a commercial for “So You Think You Can Drag Queen”

The dancers in the “no” room, in addition to being disappointment, are bored. Only two poor souls, including Maritska, who left her husband because he didn’t support her dancing dreams, wait to be joined by others. Bad idea, Maritska, maybe it’s not too late and he’ll take you back. The “yes” room is a whole different story. Each time a dancer makes the cut, the others, their future competition, pretend to be thrilled for them, even though a couple of weeks from now, they’ll be praying that a felony from their past is revealed and they are forced to leave the competition. To get an idea of who excited the people in the “yes” room are, imagine Ivette from Big Brother shrieking like there’s going to be a food competition each time another selected dancer enters the room. The waiting contestants, obviously aspiring choreographers, have come up with their own version of ‘London Bridge’ to welcome the newly selected into their midst. Brilliant!

Chae, one of the unfortunate few who got cut has cleverly brought head shots and resumes to leave with the choreographers much like Turtle from “Entourage” giving his phone number to a Playboy Playmate. They’re never gonna call. Yeah Chae, you just got cut for being not good enough, but they’ll make sure to think of hiring you next time a spot comes open on tour with Madonna.

We are WAAAAAAAY into the last half hour of the show, and there is no sign of any new dancing tonight. It’s Blake’s turn to face the music (or the choreographers in this case). He’s the ringer who has been on tour with Britney and all the other dancers are jealous/scared of him. We know we are in for Blake being cut down to size by choreographer Dan because we saw it in last week’s preview. As promised, Dan called him out on his cocky comments to the camera behind his back stating he could choreograph and dance better than Dan. “Do you think that was smart?” the choreographers each ask in their own way. Blake is instantly humbled, and mumbles, “I apologize,” but they’re having none of it, telling Blake it doesn’t matter if you’re a great dancer, if you have a reputation for attitude, no one is going to hire you (you hear that, Jennifer Lopez and Lindsay Lohan?). ‘Excellent,’ I’m thinking, our first shocker of the season, they are going to boot the best dancer on the show for his attitude. But sadly, I fell for the choreographer’s antics, just like Blake. Dan let him know that he’s getting another shot. So it was off to the “yes” room for Blake.

Only two dancers left who haven’t faced the choreographers (and less than 15 minutes). One of them is “Big Papa” Allan (and the other is someone who barely speaks English and we’ve hardly seen before). Allan is our favorite puppy dog of this season. I’ve been feeling bad for Allan the whole show, because I knew it was coming. He’s not going to make it. He barely made the cut to the final 24. You can tell the choreographers feel bad too, that Allan and his queeny oversized ass are going back to Pennsylvania. There are almost tears from the choreographers, “You the heart and soul of this competition,” one of them cries. Allan thanks them for the opportunity to give a fat and, apparently, old, (although the cut off age is 30, so how old could he be?) guy like him the opportunity. They surprised me again! “You’re going through,” they tell him. Allan dances out of the room like Nicole Richie running away from a piece of cheesecake. Even Lauren is inside the “yes” room celebrating with the contestants, and dancing like a fool. Lauren, don’t try to dance with professional dancers. You don’t hear Ryan Seacrest singing to the American Idol contestants, do you?

I guess the producers forgot that the word “Dance” is in the title of the show. Our final 16 has been assembled, and for the last five minutes of the show, they each get about 10 seconds to strut their stuff for us on the “specially designed stage.” A whole show and, we’ve seen less than 5 minutes of new dancing. I feel robbed as Lauren signs off with what I’m assuming she hopes will become her trademark: “See ya!”