Sober House: Lockdown Schmockdown, Curfew Is For Schmucks

I would like to start off this week with some questions. Who here was surprised to see Dennis push Gim’s buttons? To see another installment of Heidi vs. Tom? Were you even the least bit caught off guard to see Mikey do his polite ‘I’ve been a bad boy, please forgive me’ routine again? All of this was like the changing of the seasons, repeat, repeat, repeat, until you are back at square one again. No, the only time I was flummoxed was when Bob brought Carrion back. Actually, livid might be a more accurate word to describe how I felt, and part of that anger may not be what you think.We begin with a short recap of Mikey losing it with the cameraman. Correct me if I’m wrong because I don’t want to come off as having a double standard, but his actions didn’t seem nearly as bad as Carrion’s. She flat out battered a guy within arms length. Mikey backed one out of his room and then swatted at him with a pillow, just like he did with the lamp at the PRC, not exactly brute force.

He still has to go though, and Gim has called Will to come over and help her with the situation. Right away I’m worried.

Gim calls him up into the meeting room where she and Will confront him. Will wants to know where this animosity is coming from, but doesn’t he remember how he was in detox? Mikey’s in pain and he’s acting out. He STILL is, and he calls Gim a drama queen for making him pay the consequences.

They aren’t really that bad. He just has to grab his crap and stay over at Will’s for the night. Lucky Will. He looks super stoked about it.

Mikey continues to act out on Gim, he’s rude to her when they are talking, isn’t happy with her rules and plays it like a frustrated fifth grader, saying that he’s never coming back, dammit!
He’s excited to leave! He’s gonna do a whole pile of drugs, and cut it with rat poison! He don’t need your stinking rules, man!

So cute. he bwoke his widdle mic on the gwound. How will we heaw him?
I sure hope extra mic packs are in the budget. I would hate to miss out on the ten million times that he tells people at the club that he’s in Alice In Chains. You don’t see guys acting that pathetic every day, ya know.

He’s such a child! I’ve dated my share of fucked up musicians, TRUST me, but Mikey with his catastrophic levels of drug use puts them all to shame with his lost little boy routine. He treats women two ways- as mean mommies and objects of his new found horniness. Dude needs to be resocialised before his entire life consists of slaps to the face and apologies.

There is one good thing to come out of all this.

The crew is upstairs discussing him and not showing much faith in his ability to recover if they don’t let him back in. Seth says that he’s got a good heart, he’s just detoxing and Heidi says that he’ll end up in a motel somewhere shooting up all the money he’s made from appearing on the show. Or dead, as Dennis puts it.

I’m going to say this one more time and then I’m going to drop it. What the fuck is Mikey doing in Sober House when he’s detoxing? I didn’t get it last week, I don’t get it this week and it seems to be a choice on the part of the executives, not in the patients best interest, but in the SHOW’S best interest. It pisses me off. I think that he should have detoxed a little longer and then rejoined the cast when he was done. Even Mr. McSlore was surprised when we watched it together, and he could care less about anything on TV that’s not food, golf, Holmes on Homes, or hockey related.

The next morning Will drives Mikey to see Drew. In the car he gives him some words of encouragement and says that Mikey was remorseful once he calmed down. Yes, we know. It’s his freaking M.O. His thinking is emotion based and his emotions are guided by the pain he’s in after coming off of 20-odd years of drugs.

Imagine that for a second, Gasmii. Doing drugs for two decades. I wonder if they ever took a Cookie Puss picture of HIS brain. If they did, it probably looks like an Escher etching or Playdoh after a room full of three year olds gets through with it. Or, in keeping with the season- like a basket full of Peeps after you put it in the microwave for two minutes.

Polite Mikey strolls into the offices of the PRC, calling Drew ‘Sir,’ and saying that he’ll do whatever it takes, just so long as they help him with his pain. Sounds reasonable. I’m sure he’s feeling plenty shitty and it’s hard to concentrate when you are puking and shitting and feel like someone is sticking needles into your back while tickling you. In other words, having the skin crawlies. All those un-numbed nerve endings can be damn annoying, no doubt about it.

Drew decides to let him go back to the house, once again on a provisional basis, whatever that means. Wasn’t he on a provisional basis to begin with? Is this a ‘three strikes’ provision?

Whatever, he’s back n the house working his sheepish sweetness and Gim says that she believes in second chances, just not in Carrion’s case, which in fine by me. I have zero problems with that.

Everybody is chilling around the house, maybe playing a little plastic bowling or throwing around the football, like Tom and Heidi. He says that he likes her A LOT and thinks that they are getting along better now, that she’s finally thawing. Not so fast, buddy.

She says that she has a wicked tongue but blames it on her loneliness. See, if she had a boyfriend she’d be a perfect sweetheart. Um hmm. Let’s see how long it takes for them to be at odds. Gee, I wonder what the catalyst will be this time?

Are you freaking kidding me?
Bob, what the fuck are you doing bringing Carrion back to Sober House? It may have been barely a safe harbor for her before, but now it’s an absolute viper’s den. Nobody wants her there. They don’t care how desperate she is. Way to make her feel even worse about herself than she already did.

She’s crying and hyperventilating, as Bob leads her to the house to see if her old roomies wil accept her back with open arms. Okay, one arm. They’re going to need the other to hold the knife.

She tells Bob that she doesn’t want to apologise, and when has she EVER? At graduation? Not really. If I remember correctly, she blamed her bad behaviour on all these ‘new feelings’ she was experiencing. Well, she needn’t worry about any pesky apologies. As soon as the group finds out that she’s there, they all threaten to pack their bags and leave.

What did he think was going to happen? Sometimes The Bob can be so stubborn, and I do kinda get why he tries to argue with eveyone and talk them into letting her stay. Addicts are on emotional rollercoasters. One minute you are their best friend, the next minute, you’re a cunt. But if Bob thinks that he can get them to be in ‘best friend’ mode, he’s delusional.

His first tactic- asking Seth if he’s ever lived with someone he didn’t like. Yes, and sure, people leave and then they come back, but just because it happens all the time doesn’t mean that they have to accept it. Carrion is on a whole other level when it come to people other people don’t like. Plus, she’s another detoxer! She admitted in the car that during the three days she was at home, she used. Put her back in detox, or better yet- send her home with somebody like you did with Mikey and Will. Send her home with Shirley! She’d be chained to the radiator by now, next to a giant pile of empty juice boxes, and staying out of our hair.

Good old horndog Tom butts in and says that she never hurt any of them, so they should let her stay.
Dude! You said last week that she should be in jail for assault. Now you want her to stay? This sets Heidi off. She has zero compassion for the poor, lost little lamb, and neither does Dennis. He calls Bob and Drew hypocrites for bringing a fucked up bitch like Carrion back into their midst.

The Bob just won’t give up. He asks them, “What does it matter who’s sleeping down the hall?” A lot, when said person sucks the air out of the room and all the attention away from the other attention whores. This is where I start to get mad at this entire process.

You guys know that I cannot stand Carrion. You also know that I believe she is mentally ill and should be hospitalised. I am livid that the people that are supposed to want to help her would expose her to this abuse! She sits on a seat, turned away from the group like a scared child. It could be an act, sure, but how do we know she isn’t truly hurt and freaking?

She looks like she’s trying to ignore Heidi when she asks her why she would want to live with a bunch of people that hate her guts. Heidi does everything but get right in her face, she’s so pissed. I half expected Carrion to take a page out of Lisa’s book and start rocking back and forth like a scared child.

Normally, I’m all for Heidi speaking her mind but this time she’s not only motivated to gang up on Carrion for being the tragic gutter creature (thank you, Michael K) that she is, but she’s also going at her because Tom is showing her affection. God forbid he rub his sweaty loser lesbian-making body against someone other than her. It sets her off every time.

She secretly still likes the guy and she’s acting like a little kid with a crush, attacking him because she can’t stop every feeling that she has for him, even though he beat her. It’s sad, and when he hugs Carrion some more, she calls him a phony pervert who preys on young girls. Side note- this is why you can’t have a sponsor of the opposite sex in AA or NA, at least not at first. When you get sober, you are raging for sex and affection. Bad things happen, especially when your newly acquired boundaries are still so fragile.

Heidi tells her that if she is allowed to come back, she’ll get picked on constantly, so why bother? Carrion finally stands up and leaves, saying the same old shit about needing help because at home she’ll do drugs. Well, that’s a bummer. Nice to know that those dollars from the VH1 commercials I have to sit through when I watch this online are going into the pockets of meth dealers.

Tom walks her down to the car, his arm around her as she tells him that she thinks Heidi is crazy. He tells her that he’s been on her side all along, even telling Drew that she should be allowed back. What the? Dude, seriously. Put your weiner back in your trousers before you end up with five STDs and looking like a complete letch.

How gross! She even tries to get him to leave with her. To do what? Compare meth boogers? THAT’S a great idea. Why don’t you two head on over to her house where you can dance in the gutter together, make some more videotapes to sell.

Drew voice overs that he’s afraid for her, that she might get into trouble and he wishes she had treated everyone better than she did. He thinks she’s gone for good and God, I hope so. They’ve beaten this dead horse enough for now and the amount of chances she’s been given is absurd. DONE.

The next morning Gim interviews that Tom’s comforting of Carrion has set off Heidi. Uh, duh. I’ll tell you what, though. Gim was wise the evening before. She didn’t say a freaking thing. She just sat at the table and let the group decide.

She knew what was going to go down. She never insulted Carrion, and I’m sure that she was pissed that Bob had the nerve to go over her head to try and get Carrion back in the Sober House in the first place. It didn’t work and she didn’t have to do any of the dirty work.

Everybody heads out for another group meeting so that Drew can check on them after the stress of Carrion and Mike’s shenanigans. God, when are they NOT stressed? Safe environment, my ass. If they can handle the turmoil of SH, they should be fine in the real world. It’s like a freaking war zone in there.

Seth tells Drew that they are all getting along except for Heidi and Tom. Bob asks Heidi if the trauma she experienced from Tom’s abuse ebbs and flows in and out of her life. She’s cool one minute and then the memories rise up and she gets pissed.

I have a couple of theories about Tom and Heidi. I think she enjoys punishing him. She flirts with him, he gets to a place where he’s comfortable enough to let his guard down and then WHAMMY. She lays some abuse on him. Why she brings up Oprah is beyond me. I guess that she aired some shows where she said that violence against women is never acceptable, and here we go.

I hope you guys won’t get mad at me but come on. Never EVER hit a woman? You shouldn’t hit ANYBODY, not ever, how’s that? If you are attacked, though? You better believe that you should be allowed to hit back. Don’t dish it out if you aren’t prepared to take it. I have first hand knowledge of guys who have been physically attacked by a woman, endured bodily harm and then suffered prosecution for bruises they left when they tried to restrain the girl from hitting them further. It wasn’t pretty and it wasn’t fair.

All I’m saying is that sometimes it takes two to tango. I wasn’t there when Tom hit Heidi, I can’t make any judgements on their experience, but she agreed to be in sober living with him. Dredging this up on a weekly basis and the ensuing he said/she said isn’t solving anything.

Tom is over it too and he says that either she goes, or he goes. He’s not going to fight with her anymore. She was fine until he hugged Carrion, proving that she still cares frankly, but when Bob asks her why she can’t forgive I’m back to being pissed.

We all know that forgiveness can be a powerful thing, but you can’t force it. In a way, Tom took her hopes and dreams away. She was madly in love with him and had her future mapped out with him by her side. She’ll tackle that step when she’s ready. How is she ever going to do that if she has to look at his mug every day?

So Tom gets up, calls Heidi a fucking bitch, another mic pack gets uncerimoniously dumped on the ground and it looks like all those wires are suffering the same abuse that the cameramen did last week.

Everyone in group looks at Heidi like she killed the Easter Bunny or ate a kitten right in front of them. The hero worship they heap on the guy is unreal. They snap back to reality when Bob reminds them that they are there to keep clean. Don’t let personal matters get in the way of their sobriety. Okay, HOW EXACTLY ARE THEY SUPPOSED TO DO THAT when you shove people together for maximum drama?

The second good thing to come out of this episode is revealed next.

Nice bag, dude. I have a similar one from Whole Foods. I wonder if he loves their pizza and sandwich wraps like I do or is he just carrying some extra cigars around in it.

All of a sudden it’s already Day 7. How did that happen? Bob has to chase Tom down again which is hilarious because he said in the first episode that he wasn’t going to do that, he didn’t give a fuck, remember?

It looks like a couple of days have passed and Bob got worried because Tom’s texts dried up suddenly after being steady when he first left. Bob has tracked him down to this old high rise that looks like either an office building from the 1930s or housing for the criminally insane,

It’s her apartment he’s holed up in and Bob lets himself in to see what’s up. He finds Tom sleeping in the bedroom and I swear to God that I saw tubing around his arm. Maybe it was just the light because next thing I know, it’s gone.

Bob treats him with kid gloves and doesn’t even shake him to wake him up. Instead, he creeps around the place looking for drugs or any kind of incriminating paraphenelia. He doesn’t find anything and then Tom wakes up saying that he thought that Bob’s knocking was part of his dream. Bob asks him if he’s high and then tells him to let the Heidi shit go and get his ass back to rehab by midnight like some kind of junkie Cinderella.

Bob also says that something’s up. He didn’t find any drugs but the whole scene was weird.

It was. The apartment was nearly devoid of any decoration, there was no personality whatsoever. Creepy. Sleeping there would be like spending the night in an empty house. There’s nothing there to muffle the strange noises that night time amplifies. I don’t know how Tom slept at all.

Back at Sober House, everyone is preparing for their first night off lockdown. Gim reminds everyone of the midnight curfew and tells them to call if they’re going to be late. She goes for a bite to eat with Seth and Kendra, followed by a night in, playing board games in front of the fire. This was Seth’s idea and Gim is all proud of him for not falling prey to the night life.

I’m not. He’s gotta earn his paycheck, you know? He never seemed remotely high to me, not even at his meeting with Drew, and he’s just filler anyway. Still, it’s good to see him sober and calm and not smoking crack on the roof with the pigeons this time.

When they arrive home, Will tells them that Mike and Jenny left to meet Dennis at a club called Kress. Any of you L.A. Gasmii been there? Correct me if I’m wrong but it looks like it’s full of drunken sluts. It could be anywhere in Hollywood.

Dennis poses for pictures with fans and Jenny asks if she should call Gim to let her know what’s up. Dennis says no, of course, they’re having a good time and besides- Mikey hasn’t finished telling every last person in the club that he’s the bass player for Alice In Chains.

Some trick trifling ho tries to tempt Dennis with a drink, saying that she wants to see if he’s strong enough to resist. I can smell the valtrex through my TV screen. Dennis looks as though his mouth is watering,

It’s fifteen minutes until the witching hour and Gim is furiously texting her errant troup. She leaves them messages that there will be consequences if they are late. Cue up the footage of all three of them smoking the stogies from Dennis’s shopping bag like they’re Vegas high rollers or members of The Rat Pack.

They laugh because Gim texted that they have until twelve to get back to her and it’s twelve now. Mikey says fuck it, but can’t they at least text her back? I would. Gim can be a mean mommy and I would hate to be on her bad side, especially after she waited up all night for my ass.

Tom waltzes in at 12:35, passes his breathalizer and Will informs him that he can’t go to sleep because consequences are going to be passed out. “Even me?” he says. Yeah, even YOU, asshole, the Great Tom Sizemore. Kendra and Seth are waiting up too. Everyone has to, Gim’s rules are of the group punishment variety, the same kind of shit they pull in basic training so that the leader isn’t the only one that has to mete out the discipline.

You piss off Sarge? Everyone pays, and the innocent will be up your ass for dragging them down with you. My dad used to do the same thing. It isn’t fair but it fosters comeraderie, an ‘I die, you die,’ sense of community that keeps the group in check.

The wayward kids finally leave the club at 12:50, dragging a whore that’s trying to hug Mikey when the car pulls away. Belly laughs! I guess I answered my own question about what kind of club this is. What’s she going to tell all her friends later? She must be so proud.

They saunter up the house stairs where they have to take their breathalizers and then gather with the rest of the group to recieve their punishment. Gim has Will dole out the consequences which is the loss of their cell phones until they’ve written a 150 word essay on why in the name of everything holy, would anyone kiss Mikey. I kid, it’s about why they sabatoge their recovery.

Poor Kendra is pissed because she was good and played Clue all night with Seth, and for what? She lost her cell phone and can’t call her emo rock star hubby. Who is she going to cry to over such a terrible injustice? Nobody there gives a shit.

Where’s Heidi? Is she off flipping cars in the desert again? Is she making out with Toucan Sam in Carrion’s old room or throwing darts at courtroom photos of Tom? It’s a mystery, like the whereabouts of Carrion’s soul.

Dennis won’t relinquish his phone. He’s back to swearing up a blue streak and we’re forced to try to understand him again because he is speaking Rodman without a translater handy. He tells her that she doesn’t know what she’s doing, Buddha himself told him in a dream, and challenges her to enforce her own rules.

Will gets in on the verbal skirmish by telling him to write, he’s not special, do what you’re told or everyone else suffers. Fine, says Dennis, I’ll just write ‘why’ 150 times, that’ll teach them. Brilliant. What a big baby.

There’s another big baby in the room and his name is Mikey. he can’t write because his arm hurts. Then don’t let whores grab you when you’re in a moving car, Einstein! Will tells him to shut it, he had to write 26 of these stinking essays when he was in rehab, and those were 350 words, fucking write, ya pussy!

Dennis is back complaining that he shouldn’t have to write anything since he isn’t a crackhead. No, you’re a drunk that hits Playmates. SOOOO much classier. He’s still a rebel without a clue and thinks he doesn’t have a problem. This is WORK, people. This rehab thing- it’s a JOB.

Gim asks for his phone again. She wants it now or he can leave. Mikey calls her crazy and she tells him that he ain’t seen crazy yet. I am secretly delighted that she won’t let up. She’s exhausted and she STILL won’t let it go. This chick ROCKS.

Dennis tells her that he wants to see how mad she really gets and she tells him that she’s not going to let him get to her, give her the ohone or get the fuck out, and surprise- just like the kerfuffle over signing the contract, he gives her the phone.

Not before telling her that he’s only giving it to her because he doesn’t need this job to prove a point. She zings him again by saying, “No, proving a point would have been leading by example,” which he obviously failed miserably. So what does he do? He gives the cameraman the finger. The poor, poor cameraman. One of these days Gim will open the bedroom doors of the abusive patients in the morning to find them all dead, victims of the great ‘We’re Mad As Hell And We Aren’t Going To Take It Anymore’ mighty Bolshevic cameraman uprising of 2010. I, for one, can’t wait. I have my prolitariet outfit picked out and everything!

Next time- tough love for Mikey, Tom’s meltdown and Heidi is caught smoking meth with Foghorn Leghorn in a birdcage at PetCo. Yippee! I’ll bring the birdeseed!

Love and Kisses,
Twunty McSlore