Sober House: This Time It’s The Asian Food That Suffers

It’s gotta be something, right? Last week it was mic packs and the week before it was the cameraman. What will they take their anger and frustration out on next, the houseplants? Actually, it’s another mic pack and another human being. Sheesh. I hope everyone’s insured.The sun rises on Day 8 and I feel like I should be watching a horror or disaster film with the way they count down the freaking days and hours on this show. It’s like ’24′ without the blood and bombs, unless you count half of Sizemore’s recent IMBD page. The dude has been working like a maniac! Rehab must have helped him or he’s back on the meth and running around without sleeping again, taking every script that falls through his mail slot.

It’s the morning after the Great Curfew Breaking Fiasco and Gim has all the naughty ones sit down and read their essays from the night before. Tom is first and he says that he needs to take recovery seriously, and something about having to reprioritise or perish. Yep, that’s pretty serious. I think that it’s true what one of you Gasmii said a few weeks back- the fact that he is rapidly aging is scaring him. He knows that he’s wasting his life and what’s left of his looks. Time to shit or get off the pot.

Jenny is up next and her essay is all about self worth, or her lack of it. She believes that she has a monster inside her and that little demon eggs her on and tells her to use, that she can handle it. That’s a common thought process when you are newly sober and feeling healthy. Sadly, one line of coke can turn into a horrible bender, and before you know it you’re blowing some skanky club troll for a bump. Once again, there’s talk of paying the ultimate price as she says she must remain steadfast in her purpose or die.

Both of them read like they are giving a book report in sixth grade. No emotion with a monotone delivery. The same is true of Mikey, only his essay is full of expletives. I can tell you that he calls himself an asshole and then the rest is all single letters and stars. What an ass! You were right, Prodigal Cheese, he is a dumb child. Is there a rehab for mentally challenged individuals? I’m not joking. I think he belongs in one.

I bet that might slow down all those ‘fuck you’s.’ He acts like a spoiled brat and he thinks he’s being funny. Wait, does he know how to write? Maybe he doesn’t! Remember last week when he complained that his arm hurt in an effort to get out of writing? You gotta wonder.

Dennis is still being a petulant ass and he holds up a paper full of ‘why’s’ just like he threatened to the night before.

I still get the feeling that he considers this a paycheck and nothing more. Maybe he is realising that it was the wrong idea and he should stop doing reality shows and nightclub appearances and think about getting a real job for a change. He could get his shit together and become a commentator or a coach. Why doesn’t he? He needs to break free from his weirdo persona. It’s holding him back.

Gim doesn’t care. She sits there and looks at them like the pieces of crud that they are. Let’s see, what did she say? I’m pretty sure that it went something like this- stop the shitty behaviour because I have no problem being the bad guy and will continue to enforce rules while you assholes sabatoge your own recovery. When this is all over they should pitch in and get t-shirts that say, “I love my mean mommy,” because that’s how they treat her.

We find out where Heidi was while half the troup was shitting on their curfews. She had to go to Nevada to face charges of getting caught pecking with one of her Macaw’s in the backseat of a car. They’re calling it a DUI, but I’m sticking with my version of events. They show her alone in the airport going from concourse to bus looking like a homeless scarecrow with scabies.

She’s not confident being on her own and she seems afraid that she might go to prison again. They should have sent someone with her, don’t you think? Someone to take her mind off of the idea of using. She keeps saying that she wishes meth was like alcohol to her since she doesn’t crave booze. She’s even trying little mental tricks and making an effort to stop telling herself that she’s going to use. Wow, she’s still jonesing really badly.

Meanwhile, back at the house, the kids are talking about their day. Some of them are going to the farmer’s market, and there’s talk of getting them back on track with some daily structure so that they won’t go back to their old ways. JOB PART II, anyone? Please, put them back to work, I’m begging here! They sit around and get bored and then they use, or they freak out because they want their phones back.

I have no idea why Gim didn’t return the cell phones yet but when Tom starts freaking out about it I get the impression that she made up the rule that they’d get them back at 4:30 right on the spot. I don’t disagree with her very often but they wrote their essays (some did, anyway) so give them the damn phones.

Tom says that he is supposed to call his girlfriend at her hotel. Why is Monroe at a hotel when she has an aprtment? Is this HER sober living arrangement? I just love how they do voice overs about every fucking recovery psychobabble but neglect to tell you about the plot points and why Tom gets so upset about not being able to contact Monroe. Who is editing this show?

Strange tattoo for a guy. Hmmm. One more weird thing that I noticed.

Either that or she has a killer merkin under there. Maybe that’s where she’s hiding the phones.

Tom is walking around aimlessly, getting more and more pissed as Rodman looks on with amusement. He has another one of those superior ‘I told you so,’ looks on his face as Tom says that he wouldn’t have given the phone to Gim at all if he knew she was going to hold on to it forever.

Gim takes the phones out of her drawers (the furniture kind) and hides them in her closet, saying that Tom just wrote that he was going to make his recovery the most important thing in his life but now he’s putting his girlfriend first instead. Meanwhile, I am completely confused because I have no idea what is going on with Monroe.

I’m not the only one growing frustrated. Tom continues to swear and pace and threatens to leave if she doesn’t give him his phone. Isn’t there a house phone? Can’t he borrow Seth’s?

He says that his girlfriend is more important than this bullshit, takes off his mic pack AGAIN, counts to three, grabs his keys and out the door he goes.

Rodman laughs while cleaning and tells her that it’s her job to go after him. “No, it’s not,” says Gim. It’s her job to enforce the rules, ya moron. It isn’t her job to baby Mr. Sizemore or give in to his demands

Gross! I confess, I have some major issues with germs and Jenny rinsing out a mop in the sink was all I could see when Gim was talking to Dennis.

They show Tom running down the street and telling the camera that when he quits, he quits for good, guaranteeing that he’ll be back since almost everyone in recovery acts like they’re bi-polar. Or maybe he’ll remember that this is a JOB like Dennis said it was.

Speaking of Mikey, he woke up to find tat everyone was gone. They are all doing their own thing, whether it’s shopping in the grocery store like Rodman

Or doing laundry while sipping some ice tea with lemonade, like Jenny.

Mikey doesn’t know the city very well since he’s from Seattle and he’s taking his frustrations out on his poor bandana. It’s like he woke up to find that the act of folding it turned into some bizarre form of origami that he has no idea how to master. Unreal.

He hops in a taxi and calls his sister to see if she can meet him at 2:30 “for some Thai food.” This is obviously some kind of code for Marijuana and I got pissed for a second there when I thought that his own sister was going to enable him in his relapsing but she tells him no.

He keeps asking her over and over again and it reminds me of Carrion in the Chinatown store, begging for the dragon no matter how many times she was told that it wasn’t in the budget. It’s so childish, and I am so glad to hear Michelle tell him that doesn’t want to hang out or do drugs with him. She has been clean fr three days (we didn’t even know that she had a problem) and when he says, “If you help me out, I’ll help you out,” she even refuses his offer of money. She says that she won’t be a part of anything that is going to mean the further destruction of her family.

He throws the phone and says that he doesn’t want to do heroin, he just wants some weed. I got news for you, Mikey. Weed’s a drug too. You have proven that you don’t really understand what moderation is, so no Mary Jane for you, not even on 4/20.

He calls his girlfriend (once again, wtf?) and tells her that he’s coming over to hang out and makes it sound like they are going to do drugs too. I have no idea who this chick is but she sure didn’t visit him in rehab. Am I missing something here? He’s full of shit half the time, so whatever.

Tom is back at the Sober House and he seems better. Maybe he got laid. He says that he doesn’t want to quit and he apologises to Seth for losing his temper all over the place but “The bitch was putting too much shit on us,” by taking away the phones. Maybe, but be thankful that she cares. You people aren’t exactly a barrel of laughs to be around, you know?

Night rolls around and Gim tells all the kiddies that they are going to stay in and have movie night. What’s the name of the movie, you ask? It’s a surprise! Kendra is so excited that she wants to do cartwheels and Jenny looks like she’d rather be back on the farm baling hay.

Mikey comes back from his escapades, wearing sunglasses and begging for more meds from Gim. She gives him something and he goes off to lay down. The glasses scare me. Is he hiding pinned eyes? Red rimmed pot smoking ones? Uh-oh. Hasn’t he detoxed enough? I really don’t want to see him act like Bad Mikey anymore. Time to move on, for goodness sakes.

Gim has a ton of drug testing to do since everyone was out of the house that day so she’s called for reinforcements. Will arrives with Inez, the night tech from the PRC, who immediately offers to test any of the women for her. If her bitchface is any indication, they all better test negative.

That is the face of a woman who has seen it all. You have to hand it to people like her and Gim and Will. I would be so over these whining crybabies and their trashy entitled antics but they mostly take it in stride and don’t let you see their sweat. It’s amazing to me, really. I don’t know if I could be that strong, especially if I knew that these people were being PAID to treat me like crap.

Gim asks Will to test all the guys and tells him that Mikey was out all day with that out-of-nowhere girlfriend of his and she thinks that he might be high. it turns out that Will has some knowledge of Mikey’s woman and he calls her a dingbat. I can’t say that I’m surprised. It’s not like I expect him to be dating a doctoral candidate from USC or anything.

Will goes to Mikey’s room to wake him. He asks for ten minutes to get himself together but Will wants to talk. Mikey says “fuck you,” and puts his t-shirt over his head, nah nah nyah nyah nah. What a brat. He seriously needs a spanking.

Will says fine, “ten minutes,” and leaves.

Another fine speciman has arrived home and is dragging her half dead looking ass up the front stairs.

It’s Heidi and she doesn’t say one word to Tom or the two porno girls who are sitting at the table with him. This incenses Tom and he tells the girls what an evil cunt she is.

Dude, let it go! I know that Heidi pushes his buttons but he’s got to accept the fact that not everybody is going to like him, least of all her. I think that he’s one of those people who has to be universally accepted and popular. He puts an awful lot of time and energy into being charming and when someone shits all over efforts, he loses his temper.

The two girls say nothing, then Kendra tells him that it’s hard for them because they see them fight all the time. I think that Heidi has been telling them about her bloody head and warning them against his love for nubile young girls. Whatever, Jenny is right when she says that they are all sick, so don’t go there with all the Heidi insults. It’s all good, Heidi’s going to prove him right in a few minutes anyway.

She was starting to look a tiny bit better before she left for Nevada but now she looks like shit again. She hugs Gim while wearing a raggedy t-shirt that looks like a couple of her birds just got through fighting over it.

They go outside with the rest of the group where Gim informs everyone that they will be watching one of Tom’s movies.
Why?
With all the millions of films in the universe, why on earth are they going to watch one of Tom’s? Could it be because it’s a sure thing that it will set off Heidi? I’m sorry, Gasmii but I am getting so fed up with the lazy irresponsilbe decisions made by the producers of this show.

If they want to make Tom feel better about himself, have him teach a workshop to young actors. Watching ‘Heat’ isn’t going to accomplish anything but another round of back slapping and passive aggressive digs from Heidi.

She says that she isn’t going to watch the movie while Dennis hugs her or holds her back, I can’t tell. She says a bunch of snide shit while Dennis tells her to be nice and tryies to move her away from the vicinity of Tom.

Tom gets up from the table and Dennis tells Heidi to quit her ‘beat woman’ shit because he shouldn’t have to worry about Tom relapsing because her ass has hidden agendas. No wonder she agreed to be in the house with Tom. She wants to make his life a living Hell.

Poor Tom. I’m starting to see things a little differently with this episode. He went to jail, he apologised, he treats her kindly- and what does she do? She baits him over and over again like it was some kind of twisted game. She wants the whole world to view him as a violent asshole and will say and do whatever it takes to push him over the edge.

The question is, did he really hurt her that badly or is she one of those unhappy bitches that is never satisfied until the world around her looks as awful and chaotic as the world she carries around inside her every day of her life.

I have no idea, but I would have done exactly as Tom does and walked away. He says he won’t stay with “that bitch” around and neither would I. We’re back to ‘either she goes or I go,’ and he tells Gim that Heidi has a lot of bad in her, that she makes his girlfriend cry and……..he starts crying too.

We’re missing more of the back story here but Gim hugs him and asks him to let her try and handle it. heidi is vicious and mean to him but he agrees to stay. It’s too bad that he’s crying over her bullshit. She’s high and will be gone in a matter of hours, so he’s wasting his time.

And I’m not going to waste my time with mikey’s toddler antics either. he’s busy giving Will a hard time about taking his piss test, refusing to pee for Will or even look at him. Will is fed up and yells through the door for him to stop acting like a baby, he cares dammit! What a shitty night this has turned out to be.

Gim deals with Heidi while Tom creeps back into the house, saying that he doesn’t know how to deal with Heidi anymore. Nobody does, dude. That’s why she’s so damn lonely.

Heidi wants to leave to do some laundry, but what she really wants to do is avoid getting tested since she knows she’s going to fail. Gim refusues to let her leave and she tests positive for everything under the sun except maybe Clorox. I don’t know how there’s any room for blood in her veins with all the benzos, opiates and amphetamines running through there.

She winks at Will when he asks about her results, saying if it says she took drugs, she took drugs. She is scaring me with her hideous face again. I don’t know how she can pass a mirror without flinching at her own reflection. Maybe that’s what the opiates are for.

Gim hugs her cuz hugs are free tonight, and Heidi tells her that she was going to try and get super duper out of this world high, but she stopped. Um, okay. Congratulations?

I wish. I bet that she would feel better about herself if she could fix all the bad plastic surgery she’s had. You would think that being the child of a doctor would have given her access to a better physician, you know?

Gim has to call Drew and tell him that she’s high. She can’t be around the other patients because it threatens their sobriety and who knows what she’ll do or say since she knows that she’s leaving? She’ll want to get one more good dig in on Tom, that’s for sure.

She has to wait around for the good doctor to arrive and determine what detox she will be attending this time, and Gim banishes her to her room. She doesn’t lock her in, unfortunately, a bad move on her part.

I wish that she could have gotten Inez to drive her over to the PRC to wait, or muzzled her. She’s still high and she’s acting it. Gim informs the group that she tested positive, and then tells them that Mikey is refusing to test as well. She tries to calm them but Mikey comes around the corner and they go at it again over the fucking piss test and I swear to God, I want to see her haul off and crack him in the teeth.

Instead, she gets up and says, “Let’s go, I’ll even hold your dick for you.” Hahahaha, act like a baby, get treated like one. She should just stick a damn binky in is mouth every time he opens it and starts to spew expletives. Let him wear diapers too.

He pisses clean and Will calls him self centered and rude. We’re back to sweet Mikey again and Tom is sick of it. Time for someone to finally tell him what a little asshole he’s been to everyone, and stop letting him get away with it. Nobody is dope sick for 47 days, so says Tom. You are sick for about ten and then you’re just depressed.

He’s forgetting one little fact here. Mikey relapsed before he got to Sober House. He was back at square one eleven days ago. He very well may still be dope sick. He’s still a prick, though, and I don’t blame Tom for trying to get him to act like a human being for a change.

When Tom tells him that he can’t go around treating people like crap all the time, Mikey blames his behaviour on being dope sick again. Tom tells him that he was sick too but he didn’t go around being an asshole to everyone all day. Ne was never rude and he’s not going to tolerate Mikey’s rudeness anymore.

I like this. It’s that accountability stuff that Drew is always talking about, and it’s coming from one of his peers! Tom seems like he is actually trying to help Mikey and he tries to tell him that they are all in the same boat here, noody knows if they are going to get better and it’s an earth shattering place to find yourself in after being as successful as they have been.

Tom starts to tell his own story about growing up poor in Detroit, only to make it big and wind up back in poverty again. He admits to breaking everyone’s heart in his family and having zero to show for it. Mikey says “you’re atlking about you, not me again,” and I have to ask- is he, Mikey? Have you looked around at your own circumstances lately? Could you be a bigger loser?

Tom isn’t getting through to himand he starts to get angry. He tells him to stop thinking that he’s got it so much harder than evryone else, mother fucker, YOU DON’T KNOW HARD. His voice rises and Mikey asks him why he’s acting this way, everything was cool when he went back to being sweet Mikey, so why are you bugging me?

Does he honestly think that he can say he’s sorry and all will be forgiven? God, he is a child.

Tom talks to him like one, telling him to get off his ‘pity pot.’ Oh my God, tell me you didn’t laugh when you heard him say that. I sure did.

The spittle is flying and Mikey tells Tom that they aren’t the same, that people don’t talk to poor Mikey the way that they talk to Tom. He doesn’t get the same kindness and respect, poor thing.

Wow. Tom is starting to sweat. All those unused emotions are coming up to the surface in droves now. It’s a Sizemore Cyclone, Gasmii. They talk some more about being dope sick and then Mikey tries to throw in that he might be lactose intolerant. Honey, cheese doesn’t make you flip people off and shove cameramen. Being an asshole does.

Mikey asks Tom to leave him alone, so Tom flips him off just in time for Heidi to sneak out of her room and set sushi on the table in front of him and call him a weirdo.

What does she do next after he proceeds to completely melt down and throw the California rolls on the ground? She runs up to her balcony to look down and laugh at him.

Sorry, guys. I never want to be the one to say something like that. I hate having to, but you can’t have it both ways! You can’t bitch and moan about someone hitting you and then exhibit behaviour that would get you a decent slap from even the kindest of human beings.

It seems that it was more important for her to push his buttons than to earn any sympathy from us viewers. The poor guy is fighting for his life and she is doing everything in her power to make sure that he fails. That is mega-fucked up, my friends.

Tom goes off the deep end and starts yelling at Mike and challenging him to a fight, when it’s really Heidi that he’s pissed at. He started out trying to help Mikey with some tough love and ended up looking like a thug. It’s a big old mess of name calling and finally Mikey gets up and tells Tom that he’ll fight him, forcing Will to get in the middle.

Then my favorite thing in the world happens-

Ugh! What will happen? Will Dr.Drew arrive in time to save the day? Will Tom finally leave? Will Mikey EVER quit whining?

Will they all stay sober? Does anyone other than the drug testing supplies company of America care?

Love and Kisses,
Twunty McSlore