Sober House: What I Did On My One Week Vacation, or The Goddess and the Twat

Sober House. Where people go when they like to do drugs, drink their damn brains into shapeless ice cream cakes and sex it up with anyone who asks, to learn how to talk like Mack, be the bore at parties and say no to their fifth blow job of the night. Never again will they taste a good Treasure Hunter cabernet blend, or strange spooge. Everyone is going to get clean and healthy! They will all be good law abiding citizens! After one more wee binge, that is. Just one itty bitty snort fest, just one more dance with the pipe. It won’t hurt, right? Just one?By the way, did you watch the previews? The amount of awful stuff that goes down makes rehab at the PRC look like a five star spa trip at the Beverly Hills Hotel. It looks like shit is about to get crazy. It’s a good thing that cameras are there!

We also get a bit more of the backstory on Carrion. I did not watch Sex Rehab. It would have cut into my valuable eating my way through the holidays time, and I just didn’t feel like listening to all those depressing stories of rape and abuse. I have had plenty of exposure to that already, having been a victim and knowing someone who is a forensic nurse. It’s ugly and you have to be in the right frame of mind to enjoy it. I kid, I kid!

Soooooo, it turns out that Carrion was raped at 14 and then again at 17, right around the time that she was earning her crown. This begs the question- where are all those friends and mentors from her pageant days? Did she burn all those bridges too? Is one of them the rapist? Do they have the same low tolerance for her antics that we all share? Gee, I wonder.

I feel bad that she was raped. It sucks. With some people, it fucks you up for life, be it in the form of post traumatic stress disorder, or a devalued self worth that leads you to have sex with anyone and everyone. Still others get involved with drugs and alcohol to numb the pain. It’s sad but true that this happens more often than not. Rare is the bird that doesn’t fall victim to one of those behaviours.

Our intrepid leader was a druggie once too. Her name is Jennifer Gimenez.

I’m going to call her Gim for short. She’s slightly masculine and there’s another Jenny on the show (who I really like) so it should cut down on the confusion a bit.

You’ll see what I mean in a moment.
In the Hollywood world, Gim is a model/actress/whatever that has appeared in a couple of movies and did a stint on The Bold and the Beautiful. She was #77 on the Maxim top 100 Hot List at one point and I hope that she throws darts at that shit now. It’s completely irrelevant and unless you’re David Letterman, top anything lists are boring and for losers that keep score of who farts in the fanciest places, like the Forbes 400 does. The only number that I need to know about is where she ranks on kicking loser twats’ asses.

The house is really pretty. It’s situated on a hill and has a spectacular view. The staff consists of Gim, The Bob, and Will, former stunt man and the current muscle for hire at the PRC. I’m sure that he’ll have plenty of opportunties to use it.

After being allowed to go home for a week, the patients start to arrive. Who used that time to get high? We’ll find out soon enough. Tom is first to speak on camera and he is gradually looking better. He’s still bloated in the face and looks like he should be scrubbed down with one of those brooms they use for industrial waste spills, but at least he isn’t dripping dope from every pore anymore.

He says that he’s broke and that he used to get two things out of doing meth and heroin; valuable social coping skills and physical pleasure. When the drugs stopped working, he decided to get help. He looks forlornly into space as we hear from our next contestant.

It’s Heidi, of course. She talks in her taxi a bit about getting her first taste of meth from a creepy dealer. She didn’t like it at first but she’s no quitter and decided to do it until she did. Well, that’s the strangest approach to drugs that I’VE ever heard, and congrats, Heidi. It looks like you succeeded. You would fit right in down at the local hooker motels with the rest of the meth heads.

We hear from Penny Flame/Jenny Ketcham next, about how this is a life and death situation for her. She’s cute as a button and looks a lot like another Jenny, a ‘where are they now’ Jenny- Jenny Agutter.

She was the chick that was in Logan’s Run and An American Werewolf In London. Unfortunately, this Jenny’s time on film wasn’t quite as respectable. Just as entertaining, though, at least according to Mr. McSlore.

She isn’t ashamed of her porn star past, but she’s put all that behind her, along with her coke use. She seems down to earth and normal and I’m going to be rooting for her, just like I root for Heidi. Speaking of Heidi, she should feel right at home with all these adult film stars, no? I’m curious to see how that dynamic plays out, if the fact that she peddled flesh will be addressed more fully now that she’s done with detox and rooming with professionals.

We get one of my many questions answered when Drew talks about Tom. It seems that he spent most of his time in rehab detoxing and resisting participation in all the fun stuff like hitting cars with sledge hammers and shopping in Chinatown. He was too busy sleeping and sweating out half of Elkhart County’s finest.

By the way, that’s scary. I am one state away from the biggest producer of meth- Indiana. John Mellencamp et al must be so proud. I wonder why he doesn’t write a song about that? Ugh.

I hear that the labs are pretty common in farm country. The meth lab rats steal some of the chemicals they use from farmers. They do it here in Ohio too, and the farms have to keep that stuff under lock and key, lest the countryside starts to look from a scene out of Night of the Living Dead.

Anyway, Tom has a much different arrival this time. There is no entourage and no talk about the ‘fucking paparazzi.’ He’s on his own and says hello to Gim. They were in rehab together before, only it worked that time for her. It’s got to be weird to have her be his den mother now and I wonder if he’s going to be able to follow her rules

Gim says that her plan is to be very organised and strict, so to that end she goes through Tom’s stuff and, oopsy! There’s a crack pipe in one of his zipper compartments. He starts to sweat almost immediately.

I wonder how her treatment is going, and if she’s seen her ‘boyfriend’ in bed with Carrion yet. THAT should have made for a nice evening in front of the TV.

He tests clean, which definitely surprised me, and asks Gim to throw the pipe out for him. He said that it was probably in there since his time at the PRC, so it looks like the night shift missed it. They were too busy confiscating his heroin balloons and Viagra. Let’s hope he didn’t bring any of THAT with him. It would not exactly be appropriate when you’re in rehab with porn stars.

We get more backstory on Heidi, stuff everyone knows about her trial and how incredibly proud she was to be the best flesh peddler of all time. They also touch back on the fact that she isolates and is uncomfortable around other people. I really hope she’s in SH for the duration, and I hope that the positive test results were discovered on entry, and not afterwards.

Drew makes sure to reiterate that Heidi and Tom agreed to be in rehab together, and since we all know how weird it is, I’m not going to keep harping on it. I assume that word got back to Drew about all the outrage on the message boards so he had to sneak that little disclaimer in.

Heidi comes up the stairs and goes into the house, passing Tom who is smoking on a chair on the patio. She doesn’t even acknowledge him which angers him visibly.

He calls her a liar and a big mouth and insists that she doctored the photos of the abuse. I don’t want to get into a he said/she said with these two, but wasn’t he convicted? He says that it was overturned but I don’t remember any of that. I just remember that he served jail time. Maybe they’ll come to a consensus at some point, but I doubt it. Moving on.

Jenny arrives carrying flowers and wearing leg warmers. Did she just spend the weekend at a Adrian Lyne retrospective? Is she going to wear off the shoulder cut-up sweat shirts and break into the ‘Maniac’ dance?

She reveals that she lost her V card at age 12 and had 15-20 sexual partners before she was18. The longest that she has gone without drugs, alcohol or sex is five days. Wow. This is going to be a complete 180 for her. Did she have sex or do coke while she was in Sex Rehab? Because I thought that they were at the PRC for more than five days. Maybe masturbation counts? Clue me in, Gasmii. Did any of you watch?

Anyway, she seems super sweet and Gim shows her a line they’ve drawn on the floor in front of the guy’s room, a line she cannot cross.

Who would want to? Nobody wants to see The Worm that badly. Plus, I’ve never seen any of her films (the hubby will be rectifying that fact very soon) and I’ll bet she’s seen bigger.

They really are doing the Sex Rehab girls a big favor by putting some pretty unfuckable guys in there with them. They aren’t doing any of US any favors, but then again who amongst us has slept with 20 guys before we could legally vote? I didn’t lose my virginty until I was 19 and I have barely slept with 19 people in my entire life, let alone while in high school. It sounds awful. I wonder if she got labeled a whore early on, and then just did what was expected of her.

Kendra Jade gets dropped off by her Nikki Sixx look-alike husband Lucas Rossi. She is another porn star who admits to cheating on every single person she has ever dated. She is at the Sober House to continue her quest to save her marriage to the Canadian guy that won Rockstar Supernova, a reality show contest where he earned the right to be in a band with Tommy Lee, Gilby Clark and Jason Newstead. So, he probably knows a thing or two about loose women, safe to say.

She is tiny and looks like a brunette version of Daisy de la Hoya, maybe a little prettier. She too was raped and suffers from agoraphobia and PTSD. She’s a binge drinker that only consumes alcohol with the express purpose of getting trashed. So, she sounds like every girl that has ever been on any other VH1 reality show. I wonder if she’s ever slept with Bret Michaels. It wouldn’t surprise me.

Next up is our first relapser. I was wondering why Will drove Mikey to the house instead of a friend, and that question was quickly answered for me. He went back to the drugs immediately and has spent the last three days in detox again. Not a good sign.

They also show a clip that I don’t remember seeing from Celebrity Rehab. He was needling Shelly for more meds to deal with the withdrawals. I’m not sure why they threw that in there except to point out how bad off he truly is. He’s being accepted on a provisional basis, so he better not fuck up again.

I do recall reading something about him getting caught by the cops last September or August, with drugs. Does anyone know if that was before this show taped? I didn’t speak to the producer this time so I don’t know. I was too busy cleaning up dog piss this week.

Side note: There are five dogs in my house while my mother-in-law is out of town, one of which is a boy. He likes to mark his territory and took a nice big whizz on the exact spot where I type into my computer every day. If he wasn’t so damn cute, he’d be chilling in the storm cellar right now, munching on mouse turds.

So, Mikey acts just as sweet with Gim as he did when he first met Shelly. Gee, I wonder when he’s going to turn on her?

I’m going to give it three weeks. You know that a showdown between he and Tom is coming, especially after he interviews that Mikey thinks that he has it worse than everyone else. I don’t know about that. I think that the two of them are neck and neck, with Mikey having a more uninterrupted losing streak.

Yours and my favorite is next. The Carrion flashback is just as awful as it always is, she treats everyone like shit, throws stuff and admits to obsessive sex and masturbation. Gee, she just keeps getting more and more attractive. I can’t think of anything more gorgeous than the thought of this girl obsessively masturbating. A T.B. clinic, maybe, or Pete Doherty’s dental check-up. That’s about it.

There’s more talk of her imaginary progress and then she meets Gim. They go over the rules and regulations and, oh no! She tests positive for meth.

Her excuses are unreal. ‘It must be my inhaler,’ and ‘is there such a thing as second-hand meth exposure?’

None of it matters because they let her stay anyway. Just once I would like to see her face consequences for something. Make her clean the pool, put her on ashray dumping detail- you know that they need someone doing that. Actually, I won’t be happy until I see her on her knees in the bathroom with a toothbrush and a 12 gauge, re-enacting that scene from Full Metal Jacket. Instant redemption.

I just don’t get it. She has no discernable talent, no redeeming qualities and zero character. Why do they insist on helping her? I don’t believe for a second that she has hit rock bottom. Remember how she was smiling when Drew went to pick her up? Did this look like the face of a girl that was fed up with her drugs?

I think that one of you made the comment that she needs to lose a few teeth and some of those looks she’s been skating through life on forever. THEN maybe she’d be forced to hammer out some kind of acceptable personality. I could not agree more. The only way this girl is going to stay clean in her present state would be jail or an institution. Let’s take up a collection, shall we? I’m willing to part with some old albums and fine joorey for a start. Let’s get her off our screens and into Huntington. That way we can all wake up with smiles on our faces and a renewed faith in Dr. drew.

On the other hand, and I know this is stretching it, but maybe they secretly want her to die? After all, they are giving her the impression that rehab is whatever she wants it to be. People overlook her mistakes and allow her to disrupt and twist the process to her heart’s desire. She will never get better that way.

Where’s the humility? Where is the service to others, the kindness that is paramount in the program? It’s like they don’t care, so why in the hell should we? She is like any other spoiled teenager in some ways. She needs structure and discipline, send the bitch to boot camp! End rant. For now, of course. You know me. I’ll run down the next five minutes and then start all over again.

Rodman finally arrives and he too is starting back at square one. This man has some serious trust issues. He refuses to sign the treatment contract and I get the feeling that he is testing the waters, he is trying to get a read on Gim and if she’s worthy of his respect. Or maybe he still wants to drink. It’s probably both.

He was a total dick to Will when he walked in. He’s right back to acting like he did when he first entered the PRC, barely acknowledging people and claiming not to give a shit about anyone or anything. Gim tells him that if he doesn’t sign the contract, he can leave. He decides to call his agent and pout on the stairs instead.

Dude, I was starting to like you! Why did you have to go and mess it up?

He’s complaining about being locked down in a place with no gym, dammit! He’s pissed at this terrible treatment. He just won’t talk to anyone, that’ll show ‘em! Yes, Dennis. You will be SORELY missed.

Dr. Drew and The Bob arrive and remark that they sure do have a nice place to continue recovering in. No doubt. The Bob says that he’s sure that they’ll find something to complain about, and I have to say, you’re already a day late and a dollar short. Dennis is waaaay ahead of you.

They sit down to a meeting with all the patients except Carrion and Tom. They are both sleeping and Gim heads on up to get the twat out of bed. What follows is the usual Carrion bullshit of ‘everyone knows that I have to have juice in the morning, and a cigarette and freshen up.’ I have one thing to say

Gim just stands there staring at her while Carrion tries to get the upper hand by telling her not to argue, that she is wasting valuable time that she could be spending fetching her the damn juice. Gim tells her that this is what you signed up for, get your own damn juice. Haha! Love it. No easy paycheck for you this time, spoiled brat.

I think what Gim said went like this- “I am never going to get you juice, I am not your maid. If that bothers you, then pack up and leave.” LOVING this woman. How much you want to bet that it’s going to be all downhill from here? I hope not.

Drew has to stick his nose in the door and fuck up all the good work that Gim has accomplished by saying that Carrion is crashing, that she’s never ever ever this awful unless she’s coming down from meth. It’s so cut how Carrion insists that she was being nice to Gim, but it was all the big bad lady’s fault for not knowing how irritable Carrion is in the morning.

She wants to go home but Drew talks her into staying, using that calm manner of his and treating her like an errant child. Seriously, I use this exact same face when the neighbour’s toddler steps on my new tulips:

Carrion says that she’ll be down in two minutes but she’s not, and Gim is treated to a barrage of expletives that only make her laugh at Carrion. HILARIOUS. God, how I wish she had been at the PRC.

It cracks me up that Carrion called her fat. Um, honey, that might have worked last year, added emphasis on the word ‘might,’ but Gim has lost quite a bit of weight since then and is looking pretty damn good, so shut it with the pre-rehearsed insults. They don’t work.

Gim tells her that either she comes down in five minutes or she’s out. All without threatening violence, like Loesha would have done, or being passive aggressive like Shelly. My hope is so renewed, all because of a tall Latina spitfire.

She says that either she’s coming down from drugs or she’s a serious psycho. She’s also rude which Carrion proves by telling Bob to shut up when he smiles at her and teases that it sure is hard to get back on track.

Dennis still isn’t signing the contract so drew has to give everyone a stern talking-to. He is there for out-patient care only. The only way that they will ever see him there again will be if someone is dying. It’s Gim’s house and Gim’s rules, nobody else’s. So there, nyah nyah, carrion.

Since half the damn patients are being big babies, Bob tells them to stop it, it isn’t Gim or the rules, it’s themselves that are the problem, so start taking your own self to task for things instead of others, you dumb fucks.

“If you want to get high, go right ahead,’ he says while pointing at the great expanse of L.A. that is laid out before them in their palatial pad, “I’m not chasing anyone down the street, not anymore. I could give a fuck.” Hahahaha, for once the curse words aren’t mine, he actually said that.

This little tirade gets Dennis to pull his head out of his ass and he signs the freaking papers, saying it’s “no big deal.”

So, what did you think, Gasmii? Is this going to be as fun as Rehab? The previews showed quite a few juicy confrontations. There’s one where Tom calls out Mikey for complaining about being dope sick all the time, and Carrion hits a cameraman and maybe, finally, if we’re all good little Gasmiinites, gets kicked out! By the way, Seth looks bad, really bad and fucked up.

Dude needs to get his shit straight before he becomes the next drug casualty.

Love and Kisses,
Twunty McSlore