Sober House: You’re All Bananas

I continue to be more and more confused and disappointed by the direction this show is going. Is it a program chronically a group of addict’s struggles to remain sober, or is it one Jerry Springer style confrontation after another? Are we watching Sober House or the slob non-alcoholic version of Fresh Meat? You have to ask yourself, especially when Dennis Rodman is emerging as the sane one.I haven’t noticed anyone making any headway or even pretending to be working any kind of program, except maybe Tom. Jenny is right behind him and the jury is still out on Mikey and Heidi. Rodman and Seth keep earning those paychecks, and Kendra? She proves herself to be almost as vile as Carrion and perhaps even less aware of what recovery is all about.

We begin with the fight that escalated between Tom and Mikey. We’re back at the point where Tom is screaming at him to stop being such a dope sick pussy, and when Mikey keeps being one, he tells him to get up and take his beatin’ to prove he’s a man, I guess? I don’t know. Nobody ever yells at me and I rarely flip off cameramen. I’ve never had to prove my Womanhood and Tom Sizemore has never threatened me with bodily harm. I must admit that every once in a while I get a spanking, but being bad has nothing to do with it.

So, voices are raised, and when Will gets in the middle of the two of them, he gets a lit cigarette thrown at his head for his efforts. I’m sorry, I had to laugh a little. Can you imagine two bigger schlubs than Tom and Mikey going at it? First of all, it would last all of five seconds because of the crazy amount of ciggies they smoke. They’d be on the floor wheezing and panting before Will could even break them up.

Second of all, neither of those two have met a couch they didn’t like. Between the two of them they have less muscle mass than your average club kid, and McLovin’ could probably kick both their butts after a week in the gym.

It doesn’t matter, though. Dr. Drew shows up and the anger dissapates, leaving only some cigarette ash on the ground and a nice screen shot of Tom’s face in the off chance that anyone who is reading this might be casting any mean guys that threaten washed up musicians for their next blockbuster movie.

He wheezes that he and Mikey have a score to settle by telling him that “We’ve got a date.” Oooooooo, big scary Tom! Better not walk down any dark alleys, Mikey.

It’s funny. Didn’t Drew tell them that he wasn’t going to show up at Sober House unless someone was lying on the ground in need of CPR or struck dead by Heidi’s Medusa face? I could have sworn that’s what he said. It’s a good thing he DID show up, everyone is out of their mind, and what is up with Kendra huddled up in a blankie and convincing everyone that she’s in shock?

Somebody clue me in- does she have PTSD from being an Iraq war veteran? Did she witness beheadings and the carnage left by roadside bombings? Girl, please. One week with my family and she’s be catatonic for all eternity.

What Tom did is how the Italian side of the McSlores say hello to each other. The only time you know that someone is really mad is when they are silent. Shouting means you care. Fucked up, I know. Still,

She needs to put her head down and go read a book or something. Do her nails or shave her pubes into the shape of a dildo to get her mind off things. I went and read why she has PTSD and Wiki said something about her being molested as a kid. That’s terrible, no doubt, but guess what? Remember what Tom said to Mikey last week? That being in withdrawal is no excuse for being a prick? Well, I’m very close to plenty of gals that have been sexually abused and/or raped. They don’t use it as an excuse to get attention or be an uncaring bitch.

Gim says that Kendra is extra sensitive and she shuts down around violence. I’m sorry, nobody hit her or threatened her. Is it the sushi? Did a piece of eel whack her in the noggin causing her to play dead like one of those Animal Planet goats?
People fight. Get over it.

Heidi yells down to the chicky group hug and asks if Kendra is okay. They shoot her a look but she’s all, ‘Who, me?’ Poor, innocent little Heidi. She didn’t do nothin,’ man.

Drew wants to talk to everyone alone, starting with Tom. I never thought I’d say this but thank God for Mr. Sizemore. He tells Drew what happened with Heidi and Mikey and says that they should be working on their recovery and not acting like a bunch of assholes. He’s sick of being treated like shit and tired of seeing others abused as well. He even fucking cries!

He says, “I can’t do this anymore,” and says that he would like to apologise to MIkey. I think he should leave. Take whatever money he earned doing Celebrity Rehab and put it towards some real sober living with real people that aren’t trying to milk some more D-list fame from their fucked up lives.

We do learn something from Drew. He informs us that methadone withdrawal can take anywhere from 30- 90 days. Ugh! It sounds like they should start him on medication before he even went off the stuff, help him to prepare, you know? That’s a long time to be felling like crap, especially when you know that you are one taxicab ride away from scoring.

He asks Mikey if he said one too many “Fuck you’s” which finally set off his hero, and then tells him that Tom wants to apologise. They hug it out and I hope that Mikey takes Drew’s advice and stops treating people like shit. I’m telling you, he’s racked up more tallies on his ‘amends’ sheet while IN rehab than he probably ever did before it.

Outside on the patio of smoke monsters, Dennis is telling the table that Heidi is a wily little street monster. She knows exactly what she’s doing and thinks she’ll get away with the abuse she heaps on Tom because of that ace in her hole- The Abuse. The Beating That Left Her Barefoot And Bleeding, in case you didn’t hear it the first ten million times.

Drew isn’t buying it anymore which is the good news. The bad news is that he’s only sending her away for one stinking night. Why? Because she promised to stay away from Tom. What a crock of shit!

I went over to the VH1 blog to find out why so many things aren’t adding up on this show. I got a message from fellow Gasmii hoxharding about the reason they quit working and the answer Gim gave was that it was interfering with the show. So, the conclusion that I have come to is that this show is completely flawed from the ground up. Frankly, I don’t even see any reason to keep recapping. The love affair is just about over. The chaos has no purpose, the consequences they face are completely arbitrary and how the fuck is anyone supposed to get sober when the program that they trusted with their life doesn’t even exist?

We’ll see. I may change my mind after I view the next show but if I don’t, this will be my last Sober House recap. Just warning you. I’m not asking for sympathy because, poor me, I have to recap these sloths, I just want to hear from you guys and see if you agree with me. Is this franchise played out and bankrupt?

Back at the Looney Bin, Heidi is doing all she can to keep Drew from kicking her out and taking away her only avenue to torture Tom. He asks her about the verbal abuse she’s been heaping on the poor guy and she says that it’s really not that bad, he just over-reacts. She says all this while looking to her left repeatedly, one of the classic signs of a liar.

Drew says that her story isn’t meshing with the Tom Sizemore that he knows and her Medusa face falls to the floor because she knows the jig is up. No more abusing the guy and she’s gone for good the next time she fails to be civil. That should take about 48 hours at the most, huh, Gasmii?

Can someone tell me why everyone is allowed to sleep anywhere they want? Someone is always on the couch and now even Kendra is sleeping outside. This would drive an order junkie like myself bananas. What if I get up at six every day and want to watch Sunrise Earth with my morning coffee but Seth is sleeping on the damn remote? I’d be pissed.

He’s not sleeping on it, at least not this morning and he places a pillow with a lip imprint over Kendra’s face before heading out on his Starbucks run.

He comes back and the dopey group wakes up little by little. Gim says that Mikey needs 24 hour supervision and ain’t that the truth. They should have someone hired on this show just to watch him. It’s too much for our heroine to take.

Mikey hugs her and apologises for his behaviour, earning everyone’s love for another day and some advice from Seth. He tells him to stay on the page that he is on right now and remember what Drew said about his see-saw emotions. Since we all know how effective Mikey is at controlling his shitty impulses, Seth takes matters into his own hands and tapes his middle finger down.

Drew voice overs that he decided that they needed more treatment than they were getting, so what does he do? Why, he meets them at a restaurant to discuss their ‘feelings.’ I would have put them in some tents in the desert where there were no distractions, maybe send them to a spiritual retreat, someplace intensive. They sure could use it.

But poor Dr. Drew, he’s too busy juggling ten different media enterprises, so a quick meal will have to do. He gets Mikey to tell Gim that he’s going to stop being abusive and obey her orders. It’s too bad that they can’t get Jenny the former dominatrix to keep him in line. I know, she’s not allowed. If she reverts back to what made her famous we’ll have SoCal earthquakes the likes this earth has never seen from all the obsessive fapping.

Gim looks at Mikey in a needy but wary way and they fist bump their agreement, thereby completing another ‘Band-Aid on a gaping head wound’ moment that this show is rapidly becoming famous for. Seriously, when was the last time any one of these assclowns followed through on any of their promises?

Drew tells the group that Heidi is coming back that evening, getting exactly the kind of reaction out of Tom as you might expect. He cals her “venomous,” and intimates that he’ll leave if she doesn’t stop, as well he should. I almost believe that she secretly wants him to hit her again. That way she’ll be vidicated and have witnesses this time on top of it. He should just leave now, grab Monroe and head out to Betty Ford. They’ve been doing ‘celebrity rehabs’ out there for years, no cameras allowed either. Imagine that!

Later at the PRC, Drew is meeting with Heid to determine if she is ready to head back to her endless days of needling Tommy Boy and daydreaming about studly beaks and feathers. She tells him that she was terribly disappointed to find that she was not able to get really high when she snorted that line(s) of meth beck in the desert.

She has a new way of looking at things as well. She’d rather be high and happy than sober and miserably alone. Um, honey? You were high and miserably alone- remember? Drew tells her that he thinks she’s smart because he knows that she gets it on an intellectual level, the problem is that she has that criminal side to her egging her on.

I’m sick of her story. I want to see someone DO something. Get a job, read some AA books, have a decent conversation about recovery. Listening to her say that she can be an adult and stay away from Tom does not convince me at all.

She returns that night and nobody greets her. Tom interviews that he wishes that he never met her. He never hung out with prostitutes before then and he never did meth. He mentions that he got his verdict overturned for the tenth time and then sends out a warning to all of bird- and man-kind: “Do not date Heidi Fleiss.”

Consider yourself warned, World. Unless you like mumified chicks or are in the market for a gentle entree into the wonderful world of necrophilia, don’t knock on Heidi’s door with chocolates and flowers. She’ll eventually crawl back to Hades on her own if we just ignore her.

Next up is a scene right out of The Real World. There’s a jacuzzi on the premises. I didn’t know that! Uh-oh, I smell trouble a brewin.’ Gim is off in her own little corner talking to Jenny when Seth and Kendra get in and decide to play a game called ‘banana smacking.’ It’s is some of the dumbest shit that I have ever seen, more befitting one of those “_______ of Love” shows than SH.

Jenny looks confused, even giggles about it at first but then gets pissed when they refuse to stop.

Kendra keeps hitting Seth in the face with the peel even though Jenny already told her that any sort of face smacking triggers her disease since she was paid to dominate people. A couple of light taps leads to a full-on punch in the kisser in her world, dumbass.

Kendra doesn’t care, even though she wants everyone to be super nice and respect her sensitivity to violence. Gee, I seem to remember Jenny hugging you the night before when you were so upset and now you can’t stop playing a childish game when she politely asks you to? What a selfish bitch.

Her thinking is unbelievable lazy too. After Jenny leaves, she interviews that she can’t read other people’s minds and therefore she’s not responsible for the outcome of her actions. That might make sense if Jenny hadn’t told her exactly what that outcome would be.

And one more thing, isn’t Kendra here because she’s a slut that sleeps around on every man she gets involved with? Maybe she shouldn’t be hitting boys with not-at-all-erotic fruit in not-at-all-erotic warm bubbling water. Gee, I hope that her emo rockstar hubby isn’t watching, he might get the wrong idea. It’s not like he can read her mind or anything.

Pfft. I hate wasting my time on such a freaking moron like her. Some people belong at the bottom of society, honestly. Maybe what she does best is sucking cock and downing Jell-o shots. She should embrace it. We all need someone to laugh at when we’re clubbing, you know. Just ask Rodman.

The next morning Jenny tries to rouse everyone because Gim is talking them rappeling down some waterfalls. I’ve never done it but I totally would. There aren’t too many of them around these parts but I’m not afraid of heights and it looks like it would be fun. Adrenaline- Woooooo! Sign me up.

The only people going are Gim, Rodman, Kendra, Jenny and Seth, who calls it ‘propel,’ instead of rappel. Brilliant, he and Kendra were made for each other. They could run their own halfway house for morons. It’s a huge untapped market, just look at Mikey.

Gim wants to show tham what a natural high is and face some fears herself. She tried it once before and ended up slipping on a rock and cracking four vertabrae along with her tailbone, ouch. So, if she can do it, so should they.

Waste of time and space Kendra can’t participate because she’s afraid of heights. All I can ask is, why the fuck did you come, then? Was she afraid to leave her new loverboy Seth alone with Jenny? I don’t know about you, Gasmii but I’m sensing a little territorial bullshit with her over wee Shifty Shellshock. Tell me if I’m wrong but I think that she’s the type of girl that has to have all male eyes on her and when that doesn’t happen, she demeans her rival.

Stupid whore. All she does is bitch and moan and even says that she hopes that they all get bit by rattlesnakes for being dumb enough to be there. She says this while she wanders away from the group and the water, which kinda makes her the more likely target, doncha think? What’s she worried about anyway? I wouldn’t be surprised if she wasn’t a snake herself.

She lays out on a rock while they get trained by their guide, Jace. He tells them to relax and trust their equipment while she complains in the background about needing a towel for her poor aching back.

Jenny gets tired of her shit and yells, “Hey, Carrion!” at her. Ha! My thoughts exactly, I swear to God. As a matter of fact, I would have been way meaner about it than Jenny. From where I’m sitting on my detached perch, Kendra gets away with the same kind of behaviour Carrion puts out there because she can hide behind her PTSD. Who’s going to yell at a poor innocent sensitive cunt if she’s going to go all catatonic on you, you big meanies.

Hey, I just realised something. This isn’t in the best taste but if emo hubby dumps her and she gets back on the dating scene, no potential date rapers will need roofies. All they have to do is yell at her and she’ll go limp. It’s strange, though. When SHE’S the one doing the yelling, she has no problem with it. She just pulls out the old, “Don’t you talk down to me,” stuff that she pulled with her laundry employer.

Jenny tells her that she isn’t talking down to her (she kinda is and I have no problem with that), she was trying to point out that she was being mean to people that have been nothing but nice to her. Kendra says that she wasn’t talking to her so she should shut up, so Jenny does, leaving Kendra to go back to talking to her fellow whore rattlesnakes or the producers or whoever she was supposedly talking to when she said, “all those years of doing drugs finally paid off, you lost your minds.” None of the other addicts would ever mistake that for them, right? Dumb bitch. I hope her implants melt.

Back to people that actually DO something, Dennis goes down the waterfall first. He seems a little shaky for a moment but he gets down safely and says that he would totally love to do it again sometime. Seth makes it down too, as does Jenny. She said that she got a little adrenaline high from it which is a great feeling. That’s the reason amusement parks are so popular and why Cedar Point can afford to build a new coaster every other year.

It’s Gim’s turn and Jace has to goad her into looking behind her. You can tell that she’s nervous but she’s a gutsy broad and she faces her fear of heights and the unknown and conquers it. Yay, Gim! When you figure out how I can get over my claustrophobia,

She’s on camera saying how cool it was to see everyone but Kendra accomplish something and then heads over to the van where the vapid vixen is sitting on her ass and hating nature for giving her only two rotting brain cells instead of the three she was promised when she made that deal with the devil in the womb.

Seth kisses her on the head, as does Gim. Smart, very smart. Nice to see you guys do your part to stop the spread of herpes in this country. Kendra complains about Jenny to Gim, even saying that she’s going to knock her out if she keeps up with the Carrion comments. That’s a laugh! Hell, Jenny could flatten her without breaking a sweat. Honestly, anyone could.

Jenny interviews that she thinks that Kendra isn’t taking any of this sober living seriously. I agree. She wants to collect her paycheck and grab attention. If she was serious about shit, she would have never needled her fellow addicts like she did, nor would she be flirting with Seth. I wouldn’t be surprised if she turned up under the covers on the couch with him. Neither of them slept in their room the last two nights, after all, and we know what Gim said about the line on the floor in the doorway of the girl’s room.

I have a zero tolerance policy for brats and Gim does too, only she’s not hitting Kendra with any wooden spoons. Her method is to enforce the rules with an iron fist, starting with Mikey and his nasty habit of smoking in the house.

His excuse is that he uses the stove as his lighter and then he passes the television and gets distracted. Yeah, whatever Mikey. Admit it, you’re just a lazy chain smoking slob that can’t see the TV from the sunny patio.

He’s reverting back to his old ways and let’s face it, he’s bored. Someone needs to ask him what he would like to do, get him a guitar and an amp or something ANYTHING to keep his hands occupied before he starts painting boobies and breaking lamps again.

Now it’s time for Gim to turn her mean mommy gaze on Seth. It’s night already and he hasn’t taken the trash out yet. Gim crawls up his ass about it and I wish she’d ask him to pull up his pants while she’s up there.

I had a nephew that would do this all the time. He stopped doing it around me, though. He got kinda sick of being embarrassed by having them down around his ankles all the time after I yanked them down. This tactic works remarkable well, especially when you get everyone in on it, even three year olds. Try it, I guarantee results or your money back.

Seth and Gim argue over whether she asked him to do it or not and you can tell that she’s frustrated and overwhelmed. Who knows if she asked him a bunch of times or not? I’ll tell you what he shouldn’t have done. He shouldn’t have gotten into her face about it. Not cool. She’s one person doing the job of many. Juggling that many childish egos isn’t easy on a good day, so it isn’t the least bit surprising that she breaks down.

Seth accused her of exaggerating, which may be true but it doesn’t excuse his actions. I feel bad for her because she obviously needs help and a better structure system would go a long way towards fixing the situation.

But, no. Instead we have to wait until next week when she REALLY blows up at Mikey and faces termination. Do Drew and the producers want to see her fail? You have to wonder at this point, no? Help me out here, Gasmii. I’m losing my religion and no one’s even bothering to help. Dr. Drew went from being a tall drink of water in my mind to a quack that makes questionable decisions with life and death consequences. Not cool. Is this show even worth the effort anymore? I wish I knew.

Love and Kisses,
Twunty McSlore