Sons of Anarchy: The Father, The Son, and The Holy Bodily Fluids!

HAPPY TURKEY HOMICIDE DAY! MMMMMMMMMM….. 

Kill the white one.

I apologize for the all-caps.  I am not yelling at you, Gasmii, but I might be a little inebriated right now.  Maybe I’ll be funnier in this recap while I’m drinking.  Let’s find out!

It’s morning at Casa Teller, and Jax walks into Thomas’s room to greet Tara on the daybed, who’s going over her paperwork for the offer from Providence.

Let the kid sleep in peace for once, woman!

Tara’s understandably worried about the Otto thing, and being arrested as an accessory to No Nonsense’s murder.  Jax insists that he’ll make sure she doesn’t get in trouble.  Tara tries to convince Jax that making the move to Oregon is the right one

especially since she can buy full-length pants up there that will hide her cankles

but he’s hesitant to commit.  Tara tells Jax that she’s supposed to make a decision by the end of the week.  Jax wants to talk to Attorney Lowen before making any decisions about their family’s future, since the Otto problem might change everything.

Gemma’s making coffee for Clay at formerly-their-now-just-her house.  Clay obviously stayed the night after business time.

The best part of waking up … is revulsion in your cup.

Clay tries to kiss her ass and Gemma doesn’t fall for it.  However, she does say she has to leave and asks Clay to put LuAnn’s boxes back in the garage.  She left the boxes on the table yesterday when she was searching for the crucifix Otto requested, she tells Clayenstein.  She then goes on to tell Clay even more, asking if the club knew that Tara was volunteering at Stockton.  Wow!  Gemma, I think you severely misunderstood Jax’s directions for you; he’s supposed to be telling you post-coital secrets, not the other way around.

Back at Casa Teller, Attorney Lowen is breaking it to Jax and Tara that, although the nurse’s murder makes Otto’s RICO testimony inadmissable in court, Tara could still be charged as an accessory and may face prison time.  A “crying” Thomas gives Tara an excuse to leave the table, but Jax yells at Abby to make sure that Tara stays out of prison.  Abby gets up to leave more calmly than I would have, and tells Jax, “I just manipulate the law, I don’t write it.”

Also, I’m not your back-of-the-bike-bitch, so speak to me nicely, asshole, or my hourly rate is going way up.

When she leaves, Jax continues yelling at Bobby and Chibs about how they need to set up something new with the Mayans, the Niners and the Chinese up north since Otto’s action just killed Romeo’s and Luis’s RICO case.  If they can’t set up this mysterious new deal, SAMCRO will be stuck muling coke for Romeo instead of getting out of the game.

At solitary in Stockton, Otto’s cell is opened by a guard and there’s a visitor.  The bad news is, Otto hasn’t had the opportunity to change out of his nurse-blood-soaked shirt to greet the man and his steel pipe.  The good news is, the woefully underused Donal Logue has come to see Otto.

Wakey, wakey … time for a Canadian beat down.

 At the garage, Rat Boy is driving Unser to his chemo appointment in the tow truck.  Jax walks in to the office to talk to Gemma, and takes some time on the way to tell Juice that his time is up and he needs to find those documents Clay has from the stolen safe today.  Chucky’s filing paperwork behind Gemma’s desk and agrees to leave in rhyming fashion when Jax tells him to vamoose and that he “should accept that”.

But I can’t accept/that all that’s left/is one line for Chucky per ep.

Jax tells Gemma she better get those documents from the safe today from Clay since they’re out of time.  She insists on knowing details because she doesn’t like acting on blind faith.

Tell me more secrets!  I need to tell them to Clay in non sequiturs!

Jax tells her everything and Gemma is appropriately mollified, and promises to do what she can to get the papers from Clay.  Bobby and Chibs interrupt Jax so they can all go over to Diosa for Opening Day.  On their way over to the bikes, Chibs tells Jax that the Mayans and Niners are in, but Bobby has not been able to get a hold of Lin.  We don’t yet know why Jax is talking to all of them again, but I gather it’s pretty important.

I really want to give those guys a 10% off BJ’s coupon from Diosa Norte.  It expires at midnight, so I hope Lin calls us back.

Over at the Bachelor Pad, Clay has invited Tig over to have a little heart-to-heart.  Tig is pissed that Clay kept him from getting over to Diosa Norte a few minutes earlier just to say he missed Tig and Tig’s hair trigger finger.  Clay’s trying to see where Tig’s loyalties lie, but Tig offers him no love.

In the words of Ms. Jackson, what have you done for me lately?

Clay does pique Tiggy’s interest with an offer to bring Tig in on running guns (and making money) for Galen if SAMCRO drops the Irish gun running.

In the obligatory, 20-second gratuitous scene that every ep this season has, we see Tara delightedly/pensively watching open heart surgery.  Yeah, we get it … she misses being a surgeon.  It’s hard to believe it, since she keeps using her injured hand as a billy club.

Has no one introduced this woman to the utility of a steel pipe?

I tried to a few episodes ago, but she wouldn’t listen!

At Diosa, it’s a big skank party!  It’s fun to find out that CFP, formerly a hefty two-dimensional player who only blurted out obvious one-liners to expose plot points to the dumb and drunk viewing audience members, is a much more complex character.

He likes his ladies dark and squishy.

Jax tells “Shrek” (CFP has a nickname now, too!) to go for it, and Happy says, “That’s a lot of flop sweat.”  I love you, Happy.  For those of you who have been mourning No Nonsense, there’s a new nurse to enjoy:

When life hands you a bullet wound in your leg, make lemonade.

Lyla tells Jax that Nero’s out back, because his old crew showed up and is trying to make trouble.  Jax, Chibs, Bobby and Happy go outside to check things out.  Nero’s guys tell Jax and Nero that since Nero left the original Diosa International, the crew has had trouble maintaining the rest of their business ventures, including drugs and protection.  The short of it is, they want guns to regain control, and they know SAMCRO has plenty of guns to offer.  Before things get too heated, Bobby shoots his pistol into the ground and tells everyone to calm down.  Bobby complains that this is not the way to get Charming to embrace their legitimate business and Happy says, “Dude, you just fired a gun.”  I say again, I love you, Happy.

Jax pulls Nero aside and tells him he can sell his former vatos some older guns at a discounted rate, just to get them off their backs.

I guess I owe you a favor or two since my mom has been a worse influence in your life than Michael and Dina Lohan put together.