Spartacus: Gaia, Oh My(ah)

Just so we’re clear……

Greetings Gasmi!  Are you ready for the next episode of Spartacus: Gods of the Arena?  WOW.  There is no chance of boredom it seems as this episode is chock full of stuff yet again.  One thing I’ll say for the showrunners, they are certainly cramming as much as they possibly can into these six episodes!

Sadly, after this one we only have two more episodes left.  It seems almost impossible.  How on earth are they going to tie up everything that’s happened?  Oh well, I guess that’s a question for another day; for now let’s get to the latest episode.

We left off with Daddy Cockius Blockius telling his dear son that he’s planning on sticking around for a while.  Batiatus was overjoyed to hear this news.

I can feel the joy radiating from him, can’t you?

We start this week in the arena where Batiatus and Daddy CB are enjoying a gladiator match together.

Unlike some of the spectators!

Wow, I guess those front row seats aren’t all they’re cracked up to be, huh?  Daddy is unimpressed by the retiarus style (which involves using a fishing net and trident), but Batiatus points out that the crowd loves the style and soon every ludus will have their own.  Daddy CB relents and tells B they can give the net and trident to one of their lesser men.

Once this first fight is over, it’s time for the next match in which Ashur and Dagan will be fighting.  If they do well here they might finally gain acceptance as members of the brotherhood.  Dagan is a brute of a man, so of course he does well in his match.  Ashur, not so much.

As Dagan reduces his opponent to a bloody mess, Ashur continues to get his ass handed to him.  You know, this fight would be a lot more dramatic if we didn’t already know Ashur will be around for quite a while.  Anyway, Ashur looks doomed for sure, as his opponent rears up to place the killing blow, and then…..

Dagan to the rescue!

Now that the man is incapacitated, Ashur takes to whaling on him with an axe and then struts around the sands acting like HE’S the one who won this fight.  What an ass.

As Batty and his Daddy continue to enjoy the games, Lucretia and Gaia enjoy a stroll around the town.  Gaia thinks she will be leaving soon; she can’t take the glaring reproach of Daddy CB much longer.  No worries, Lucretia assures her; Daddy CB doesn’t do well in town, he’ll be leaving soon, she just knows it.

Gaia reminds Lucretia that she is a woman alone, without a husband’s protection; a situation that she wants to see remedied and quickly.  Luckily it’s at that moment they just happen to spy a fellow named Patronius that Gaia knows from Rome.  What a wonderful coinky dink!

Bitch, please.  You’re not fooling anyone.

They venture over and he seems to not remember Gaia but perks right up at the mention of Lucretia’s name.

You’re not Pimp Daddy Batiatus’ wife, are you?

Yup, she sure is.  Oh that is so great; he’s been hearing the most extraordinary things about her house.  Poor Lucretia looks like she’s about to barf.

Back at the ludus, Gannicus is pouting in the shade, refusing to train since the primus has been taken away from him.  Crixus continues to improve, but looks concerned that Barca seems to have lost something since Auctus was killed.  Ono returns with Ashur and Dagan and Ashur immediately brags about the blood they’ve split and how they’re brothers now.  No one seems impressed.

Bubble=burst.

The women return from town and Gaia is annoyed that Patronius was more interested in the stories he’s heard about the house of Batiatus than her obvious charms.  Could it be that she’s losing her touch?  Lucretia could give a rat’s ass about that; if word of what they’ve been doing is spreading across the town, how long will it be before Daddy CB finds out?

Gaia thinks that could be a good thing; maybe he’d drop dead from shock!  Not funny, says Lucretia.

Who says I was joking?

Gaia tries to convince Lucretia that it may not be such a bad thing for them to consider “entertaining” Patronius and his friends, but Lucretia is really worried about Daddy CB finding out.  Batiatus walks in just then and wonders what joys his father is preventing NOW.

Gaia brings him up to speed, pointing out that Patronius et al will be leaving for Rome in just a day or so.  The wheels in Batty’s brain start spinning: with Patronius’ support they could see their men back in the opening day games.  But how to get Daddy CB out of the way?……..

Downstairs, Melitta is on her way to visit with her husband when she is stopped by Gannicus.

You don’t call…..you don’t write…..

Melitta reminds him that she is married TO HIS BEST FRIEND and he needs to stop mooning after her so that Ono doesn’t become suspicious.  Gannicus points out to her that it would be just as suspicious if they suddenly stopped talking to each other completely.  Ugh.  They should fucking tell Ono and get it over with; it’s not like they asked to put on a sex show.

Poor Ono is still lamenting the fact that he is not counted among the gladiators anymore, but still the men don’t respect him as their Doctore.  Melitta tells him he needs to take a firm hand with them, show them who’s boss.  Now that she’s given her man the pep talk he needs, they get down to other business.  Sadly for Ono, Melitta keeps flashing back to Gannicus while making love to Ono.  Oh no.

One thing that did work was Melitta’s pep talk.  The next day, Ono tells Gnaeus that he will be taking up spear and net.  Gnaeus doesn’t want to and makes snide remark to Ono, who counters by slashing him with the whip.

You’ll do what I say and you’ll like it!

Nice to see a glimpse of the badass Ono we all know and love!  Gannicus makes a snotty comment to him about cracking the whip, and Ono confides in him that it was at Melitta’s urging.  Ono tells him to pair up with Barca and stay out of the shade.

He does, and fights with renewed energy while stealing looks at the balcony and Melitta.  This renewed vigor does not go unnoticed by Daddy CB, and Batiatus tells him it must have been the talk he had with Gannicus the day before.  This sets Daddy CB to coughing and wouldn’t you know it?  Lucretia rushes right over with some of that special wine for him.

Here, drink this; you’ll feel worse, I mean better!

Batty subtly suggests that he needs to breathe in the salt air, but Daddy reminds him he is not going back to Sicilia.  No, no, not Sicilia, Batty assures him; he was thinking that they could go to Neopolis.  It’s on the water, and hey, while they’re there they can check out some new slaves.  It can be a daddy/son bonding trip!  Daddy CB falls for B’s schpiel hook, line and sinker.

Now Lucretia is all clear to entertain Patronius and his randy friends.  But she worries that B won’t be there with her.  After all, she’s just a woman; will the men really listen to her if she tells them they’ve gone too far?  But B has a plan; call Solonius.  He can stand in for Batty and speak for the house if necessary.  Problem solved!

The gladiators break for lunch and Ono calls Ashur and Dagan over to give them their money for winning in the arena.  Ashur immediately notices something.

Hey!  How come he gets more than me?

Because he saved your puny ass you shithead!

Yeah, Ashur’s not real happy with that explanation.

Crixus gets up from his spot and brings his bit of bread to Barca for his birds.  At first Barca ignores him, but then Crixus tells him about his family and how they were all killed in front of him when he was too little to even hold a sword.  He has dreamed of taking up a sword in their memory; Auctus was the first man he’s ever killed in battle, he promises Barca he won’t ever forget the man.

Barca tells him the birds were Auctus’, he never really even liked them.  Now they’re all he has left of him.  And so, he takes the bread from Crixus, and I guess their friendship is born?  Okay, I’ll go with that.

We skip on over to Neopolis where Batiatus and his Daddy are checking out the latest slave shipment.  Their consensus?  They’re all shit.  Now that they’re done shopping, they head on over to the local bar for a shot or two.

Back at the ludus, the slaves are preparing for the evening ahead.  Well, some of them are; others are trying in vain to deal with the aftereffects of a Creepy Mo-Foius encounter.

Heartbreaking.

Naevia is sad because she and Diona don’t talk or laugh like they used to.  Diona doesn’t have time for laughter; I mean, she’s barely holding it together here.  Then she goes off because Lucretia has ordered her bathed for this evening’s festivities.  Poor Diona.

Lucretia has a little chat with Melitta, telling her she will not let anyone take Melitta away from her this evening.  Melitta is relieved by this.  But Lucretia wants something from her in return; make sure Ono doesn’t tell Daddy CB about this.  If she doesn’t convince him?  Well, let’s just say a little birdie might tell Ono about the sex show.  Again, this is why they should have just told him right away.

Lucretia and Gaia share a tender moment before the guests arrive and then it’s showtime.  Poor Diona is already on display and the dead look in her eyes is making my stomach roll.

God, I hate Creepy Mo-Foius right now.  Naevia watches her friend in pity and Melitta saves her from the same fate by sending her into the pantry with orders to stay there until after everyone goes home.

Lucretia informs her guests that the little sex show that they just witnessed is merely an appetizer to what lies ahead for them this evening.  Tonight she is putting all the gladiators and slaves of the house of Batiatus at their disposal; for tonight, they are the Masters of the House.

Master of House, isn’t worth my spit

Comforter, philosopher and lifelong SHIT

That’s right; Tullius has arrived and he plans to take full advantage of her offer for himself.  As you probably have guessed, Lucretia is hella pissed.

Back in Neopolis, father and son are sharing a cold one.  Batiatus is talking about how nothing he’s ever done is good enough for his daddy.  Daddy CB is like PUH-lease, you never listen to anything I tell you to do.  WHAAAATTTT???? Says Batty, everything he does because his daddy wants him to.  Name one time he’s done something that Daddy didn’t want him to.

You married a woman beneath you.

Rut roh.  Batty no likey Daddy talking about Lucretia that way!

Daddy CB wants to know what Batiatus’ real purpose was in drawing him away from the ludus.  It’s obvious that he knew the slave stock was going to be crap.  Batty lies to Daddy CB saying it was only to try and get closer to his dad.  Daddy is touched by this and says they didn’t need to go so far from home to strengthen their bond; in fact, he votes that they get out of this shot town now and head home.

Cockius Blockius strikes again!

Back at the ludus Tullius strolls around like the lord of the manor while Lucretia shoots dirty looks his way.  Solonius says how surprised he is to see Tullius here, and Tullius tells him to cut the shit; after all, Solonius is the one who told him about this little gathering.  But only so you might prevent it!  Solonius protests.  Whatevs, says Tullius, you did it to get in good with me so shut yer pie hole while you’re ahead.

Gulp.

That’s another pair of shorts shat upon.

Lucretia and her slaves reappear, bearing masks of gods upon velvet pillows.  She urges her guests to don the masks and become more than mortal this evening; they can become gods.  Patronius is impressed by this, saying Tullius has never made him a god before.

Tullius says if he is to become a god he wants to first prove himself worthy by battling one.  He wishes to challenge Gannicus to a fight.  Um, sure, okay, Lucretia says (it’s your ass), and she tells Ono to fetch the practice swords.  Nope, no way.  Tullius wants to fight steel on steel.  Okey dokey.

Gannicus is smirking away, knowing that he’s gonna beat Tullius’ ass.  That is until Ono bursts his bubble, telling him to let the man draw blood and make sure he shows no insult to the man.

WTF?  I have to LOSE?

Yup, Ono tells him; lose the match, gain your life.  Dayum.  You just know this is gonna stick in Gannicus’ craw.

So the fight begins, and at first I’m thinking Gannicus isn’t going to listen to Ono, he really doesn’t want to lose.  He has his sword to Tullius’ throat, but lets the man beat it down.  Tullius knows what the deal is and takes full advantage, drawing blood and more blood and then again, until he has Gannicus on his back at his mercy.

And Gannicus must give the missio.

Tullius, prickhead that he is, grabs Gannicus outstretched fingers and is ready to end his life, but Lucretia shouts out to stop him.  The man has given the mission; the match is Tullius’.  And so he walks away after taunting Gannicus for having his life saved by a woman.  Gah.  I hope he dies a horrible death.  What a fucktwat.

Melitta escorts Gannicus to the medicus and they share a tender moment.  He doesn’t want her to deny the feelings she has for him, but she tells him she loves her husband.  What would HE do if he were her husband and caught the two of them like this?

“I’d kill us both.”

Dun, dun, dun!

Now that Tullius’ manhood display is over, everyone moves on to the orgy portion of the evening.  And there is a whole lotta fucking going on!  One of the patrons approaches the row of oiled gladiators, stopping at Ashur and Dagan.

Me so horny.

He is impressed with Dagan and wonders which team he bats for; he has no desire to force himself unwanted on someone.  Ashur tells him Dagan doesn’t speak the language, but he will translate.  And then, that filthy motherfucker totally fucks his so called friend over.  He tells the gent Dagan would love to be stuffed full of his hot Roman sausage, and then tells Dagan he must do whatever this man says or be killed.

Poor Dagan, he’s getting fucked more than once tonight.

Oh, and Ashur doesn’t leave it at that; he tells the gent to make sure he’s extra rough since that’s the way Dagan likes it.  I guess that’ll teach Dagan for saving his life, huh?  What a nasty little fucker he is.

Tullius has been strolling around all evening, but not partaking in the orgy which is really annoying Lucretia.  No worries, Gaia tells her; he always had the hots for me when we were younger, I’ll take care of him now.  Lucretia doesn’t want her to have to deal with Tullius, but Gaia insists and tells her she will put in a good word for her while she’s at it.

Wanna go someplace and “talk”?

Once they’re alone, Tullius says he was saddened to hear of her husband’s passing, and how it leaves her with no family, no one to take care of her.  He thinks himself fortunate to have heard about tonight and Gaia says it is she that is the lucky one.  He wonders if she’s petitioning for herself or for the house of Batiatus.

Ummmm….both? Tullius thinks she’s asking for a lot here, but Gaia assures her that what she is offering is worth more.  And back they topple, onto the bed.

Tullius swears to never talk of what is to happen this night as long as she will deliver a message to her friend and her husband; one that they will take to heart.  I’m suddenly getting a very uneasy feeling.

Later, the party has ended, all the guests are leaving sated and happy.  Patronius seems like he’s willing to put in a good word about the games for them and so the night is a success.  Lucretia thanks Solonius for his help and sends him off on his way.  He tries to stay and wait for Tullius to leave, but Lucretia shoos him off, thinking that Gaia will have him well occupied until morning.

So Solonius bids her adieu.  And the clean up scramble begins; Lucretia wants no trace of the party left when Daddy CB returns.  I guess she doesn’t want to get grounded.

And here comes Tullius, as full of himself as ever.  Lucretia becomes increasingly uncomfortable as she realizes they are alone in her house.  Tullius tells Lucretia he often dreamt of Gaia’s touch.  When he was a younger man.  Now he finds her whispering in his ear, asking favor for this house.  Lucretia assures him that Gaia’s affection for both this house and him are true.

While looking scared shitless.

I’m a little scared for her too.  Is he going to try and get her into bed as well?  It’s obvious the man’s a bit off balanced, but just how much?

“She holds my reply.  Go to her and see it delivered.”

And off he goes.

Once he leaves, Lucretia goes in search of Gaia.

So……..what’s he trying to say?

Lucretia’s screams reverberate throughout the house.

Daddy CB loses his mind when he hears about what happened there.  He warned B not to provoke Tullius and look what happened because he ignored him.  Lucretia vows vengeance, “blood and brains on the fucking floor.”

I’ll get him, and his little Nanny Booius Sissifus too.

You’ll do no such thing Daddy Cockius Blockius cock blocks.  When Lucretia persists he tells her she will do as she’s told.  Gaia is to be tossed off the cliffs and her death explained by a drunken stroll in the middle of the night.  Yeah, I’m thinking that Lucretia is going to be brewing up a giant batch of honeyed wine just for Daddy.

Daddy pulls Batiatus aside and tells him he wants B’s marriage to end.  He tells him all the choices he is making shame his fate, so Lucretia must be swept from his life.  Choose to get rid of her or get the fuck out.

OR……..

And so Gaia is thrown from the ludus cliffs, but not without a goodbye kiss from Lucretia.  Our ending shot is of a tear stricken Lucretia seething and yearning for revenge.  I for one can’t wait until she goes all Xena on Tullius’ ass.

So, what did you think Gasmi?  There was so much that happened here, and even though I thought they would probably kill off Gaia before the season ends, I really didn’t expect it now.  Tullius better start sleeping with one eye open.  But enough from me – what did you guys think?

We’ve got two more episodes and then another whole year before more Spartacus.  WAH!  There’ll be time for tears later; right now I can’t wait to see what fucking happens next!  See you there…..

SWAKius, PottyMouthia