Are You Ready For Some of John Madden’s Super-Fat Face?

by FauxMichael

When TVgasm asked me to do a recap for Monday Night Football, the first thing I thought was, is there any way I can get some free sex out of this? B-Side informed me I’d still have to pay, and while I was disappointed, frankly the whole naughty factor still hooks me in each and every time.

Regardless, I should begin by saying I’m a native of Northeast Ohio, and therefore a fan of the Cleveland Browns. If you’re not familiar with the Browns, they were stolen from us in 1995 by an evil cult known as the city of Baltimore. When the Browns left, I left the NFL. When the Browns came back in 1999, they sucked. From 2000-present, they sucked.

Being that my interest in pro football is sparked only when the Browns are not sucking, for all intents and purposes, I haven’t known jack about the NFL since about 1994, which frankly should make for a more entertaining recap. If that doesnt entice you to come inside, then know this: I have Kaysar news!Its 6:01 in Southern California, and if you’ve never lived on the West Coast, one of the oddest things is having sports start at earlier times. The sun is still out, people are still at work, and I haven’t shaved in three days. ABC is now on my TV, and it looks to me like Pittsburg is playing San Diego. Great. The only way I could want to watch this game less is if Pittsburg were somehow playing itself.

Here we go — my reintroduction to MNF. They’re playing some sort of army-horse-drama-marching music. There’s the stadium; looks like we’re in San Diego. Cool, a helicopter. Flags! Four helicopters! Everyone is very excited. When did regular season NFL games turn into the Super Bowl? We move down to the field — there’s a bunch of military men — one of them is screaming “Are you ready?!?!?” The crowd responds. I’m creeped out –what the hell is going on?

Now the teams are running out of the tunnels. I feel like this is all building toward a huge explosion or some kind. Now we hear voices, and we’re up in the booth. I’m let down.

Al Michaels is still hosting MNF, and at some point in the past 11 years, John Madden hopped in the booth with him. MY GOD, look at this man’s head. If this is how bloated you get at age 143, count me out.

The best thing about John Madden, besides the fact that he’s probably going to have a heart attack sometime during these next three hours, is that 8 out of 10 pictures have him standing exactly like this:

He’s all like, “Hey, what do I know? I’m just here watching the game with you, pal. Can I call you pal? I sure feel like we’re pals! Buddy.” It makes me feel comfortable. By osmosis, you are now comfortable and completely at ease with me. Email me your credit card numbers.

Michaels says a bunch of stuff I don’t get. I don’t know who LaDandelion Thomsicle or Ben Ruffleburgers are, but they must be important. Then Al says that everyone is “stoked” in a grab for that elusive 18-34 year-old male. It’s 2005, Al — the only people who are “stoked” are now in the 35-50 demo. Here we go — it’ll be interesting to see how they’ve changed the opener — there’s no way it’s still that bearded hillbilly with the “Are you ready for some football” song, right?

Oh. There he is. It’s a little supercharged from what I remember, but — whoa! This all moves real fast — lots of input — um okay – cowboys girls robots get ready hit it steelers al john keys babies fireworks producer credits lightning more robots dancing flux capacitors screaming MONDAY NIGHT WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

This is professional football in the future, folks. Thank god I went for the downers instead of the uppers tonight. Either way, I’m paranoid and am going to watch this from under the kitchen table. My sister says our kitchen has AIDS. We need to clean.

I’m exhausted, and we’re only now getting to the kickoff, which San Diego does. Flag on the play. Referee Jeff Tripplet is on the call. 11 years later and I still can’t understand what they say. Have microphones been left behind in the technological revolution?

Steelers are offensing. Apparently Ruffleburgers is pretty good — so good he just threw it out of bounds. Football has changed — we used to always say that was bad. Whoa! Marty Schottenheimer coaches the Chargers! That means lots of the dreaded Marty-Ball. Poor kid.

We’re meeting the offense — they do a graphic/video thing where each player comes up and talks. I’ve chosen Marvel Smith (#77) as my favorite. His parents went with the big “we’re gonna name this kid to either be a pro athlete or get beat up every day” gamble. It paid off. We’re inspired — the next random girl I knock up, I’m naming the kid Awesome Stud Quarterback.

Bill Cowher is still coaching the Steelers. He’s been there since like 1852, and he’s had his angry face on for all but four minutes. Blah blah blah no scoring yet. Here’s another Kingdom of Heaven DVD commercial. I love how they advertise this like we don’t remember that nobody went to see it in theaters because it sucked. I don’t want to get Orlando Bloom mad at me or anything, but I don’t get Orlando Bloom. He’s small, kind of girly, and sports that rodentesque facial structure.

Regardless, Drew Brees just fell down all on his own. JESUS, it’s not even halfway through the first quarter — who signed me up for this crap? My word count is going to be 47 million.

End of the first 0-0.

Here’s a little info on guard Mike Goff from chargers.com. He likes eating and trucking. Who would have guessed?

More commercials. Okay, I was aware that Freddie Prinze, Jr had snagged a sitcom deal, but nobody told me that Brian Austin Green, Jr. was co-starring. I feel like this is a joke me and my friends made up in 1999. Remind me to tell you about the time I was on a movie set with B.A.G. and Ian Ziering — great story that involves me actually having my girlfriend call IZ Steve Sanders. That went over really well.

Somewhere it became the second quarter, and Pittsburg just scored on a pass from Ruffledogs to Hines Ward. Nice play. Madden says Ward is “tough.” Al Michaels says he may have actually been tackled with a fingernail? Did I hear that right? Whatever — I don’t really care — I’m actually working on that Freddie Prinze part of this right now.

If people find out I’d rather write about Freddie Prinze, Jr. than watch a football game, is that going to do anything to my rep? I think there was a fingernail penalty and another touchdown. Either way, it’s 7-0 Pittsburgh with 5 minutes left in the 2nd.

We get to go down to Sam Ryan on the sideline. Between her name and voice, I think she was recently a man, but she’s got that “10 beers later she’s the hottest chick I’ve ever seen” thing going on for sure. I’ve had 16, so everything’s A-OK here:

Rufflebunions is described as big, strong, and able to shed tacklers by Al Michaels. Trust us when we say it sounded super gay. Even Madden was like “You going gay on us, Al?” Referee Jeff calls a hoading penalty. Huh? Oh, he meant holding. I have a new favorite thing to say. Try it. Hoading.

TOUCHDOWN PITTSBURGH!!!! 14-0. I made an agreement with myself that if this turns into a blowout, I’m switching over to that new CBS show with Doogie Howser, which is actually really good. I can’t believe I’m rooting for the Steelers. 14-0 Iron City.

TOUCHDOWN SAN DIEGO! Antonio Gates, Bill’s illegitimate son, scores big and locks us into this for probably another quarter. 14-7 Poopburgh. There’s :34 left in the half — Pittsburgh has a couple timeouts. They may try to score. This was all very suspenseful, and we’ll try to convey that for you now. They didn’t score — half-time.

Half-time was going to get skipped in recap land, but they’ve got Arnold freaking Schwarzenegger in the booth! This is great — we’re not like one of these crazy CA liberals (see: how to piss off 75% of your readers) – we love the Austrian Oak, plus we can separate politics from world-changing performances.

Al and Arnold are sitting really close to each other, and Arnold says that as governor, he will bring the NFL back to Los Angeles. He implies there will be a vote next spring, and maybe there’s a team back here in 2009. By the way, is John Madden taking a nap or something? Where the hell did he go? Anyway, Arnold charms millions and likes the Chargers to win the game tonight.

Jim Belushi is next, star of the hit sitcom According To Jim. He says nothing. Literally. It’s hilarious. They just sit there and stare at each other. Okay, now I’m just making things up.

The 2nd half starts, with Panitzburgh kicking off to San Diego. This half is going to be INCREDIBLE.

Oh my god, I passed out. Let me catch up — with 1:58 left in the fourth quarter, the Chargers are winning 22-21. Pittland has the ball in Charger territory. Ronadabiggers is apparently hurt, by the way.

They’re going for a 40-yard field goal

“Everything is perfect. Snap. Hold. Kick.” Al Michaels, October 10, 2005.

Petetown wins!!! San Diego is sad.

Final score is 24-22. Al says good night. John eats a stack of pancakes. Music. Credits. Local news. Sweet, sweet freedom.

When not struggling through Monday Night Football, FauxMichael is known as The Cavalier, and writes about the NBA at YAYsports!, which just yesterday launched its NFL blog, YAYfootball! Click-thru #15,605 wins $1,000,000 and a date with Kaysar.