Start-ups Silicon Valley Recap: He’s not heavy…much

We feel ya Herms 

 Hola Gasmii! Welcome to another week in the SV. Where life is fabulous if you’ve got money, or apparently even if you don’t.

We start again, shocking, with Snots waking up and stretching. Christ. ENOUGH. We get it “new day, new show.” Snots is still upset that Herms strapped on her gift dildo and ran around her birthday party flapping in the wind. Herms clarifies that it’s her party and she will strap on what she wants too! BTDUBS Herms let’s it slip that Snots is just as morally corrupt as she is. He’s dating 2 girls at 1 time. Wait HUH? Who’s he dating, other than Sar-Oprah. We learn that Ben has been dating a girl names Ashley for 4 years. She is a model-entrepreneur. Hey! Just like Not Gay Jay! Funny, 2 people in the same show that have the same career that we’ve never heard of. Go figure.  He also tells us that Ashley knows “when we’re together, we’re together, and when we’re not, we’re not.” OHHHHH Snots. We can pretty much guarantee Ashley doesn’t know that. We are SOOOOO confident that she doesn’t, we’d put money on it. Stupid boy. It’s comments like that that we think he is perfect for Sarah. He is her Stedman. Furthermore, shame on Herms for not telling him he’s dumb. We would like to address at this time Herms roots. They are so horrible. Please girl, if you’re reading this, GET TO THE SALON STAT!

Next up is Kim and Dwight outside chatting. Dwight tells us how much he loves her,and loves spending time with her, and how cool she is, and…. Dwight, just get some balls and kiss the girl! Do you need a Jamaican crab to sing it to you? Dwight then gets all cocky and slams Herms and Snot’s app. OHHHHH hold up! we now like him. He then makes fun of Sarah!!! AND KIM JOINS IN!!!! WTF?! If only these 2 would have done this 6 episodes ago they’d have a success on their hands (and needless to say our undying loyalty). We like both of them now and want them to talk more trash about Sarah and the gang, but sadly no. It is not to be. They just start talking about themselves. CURSES. Carsabi, blah blah blah. Fashion, blah blah blah. We are writing this in our pajamas, and drive used cars. Both those apps don’t appeal to us. NEXT.

HOLY SWEATSHIRT

Back to the exciting world Herms and Snots. We are thrilled to find out if  Herms lost the $500,000 from her night with the dong. Ha! No we aren’t. We also wouldn’t be doing our job if we didn’t mention Herms new interview leggings. 

She’s got the whole world on her pants…

Herms calls them her space leggings. We just call them hideous. The siblings are walking into the interview, and Herms tells Esther, the investor, she’s met her before. Esther some how doesn’t remember. Herms isn’t sidetracked though. Hmmmm that’s 2 interviews now that Herms has told the interviewers they’ve met before, AND both times they don’t remember. Shockingly interview leggings aren’t the way to go to make lasting memories. We hear the same pitch for Ignite as we have heard in EVERY SHOW SO FAR. We think the interview will end as it has in EVERY SHOW SO FAR, but then Esther throws out if they actually have an ignite pad? Hold the phone! That’s not in the script! Cough, or the non- script. Esther  then basically gives a big FU to them all and says “I’ll do whatever they decide to do.” Way to go Esther. Thanks for wasting our time and energy on you. Was it the space leggings?

We are 20 minutes into the show and BGA is just now waking up. Come on producers, Is he a lazy ass? Is it a new day? Is it a new show? For fuck’s sake you’ve got us all confused. BGA puts on the same grey hoodie so who knows what day or what show it is. It’s just one constant nightmare. He’s headed to the office to work on his app. He says he’s “more productive working in an office than at home”. Really Sherlock?! What? The porn on the internet wasn’t helpful with goal sponsors? Judge Judy reruns didn’t influence you in any way? So Un-American. We get to hear about goal sponsors again. At least it’s not his fat story. We’ve started to wonder if this is truly a reality show or just 1 long infomercial. 

Snots shows up in his “car” with his model-entrepreneur. We already call BS on her being a model because she orders food. Snots tells us that he calls Ashley his “snuggles” or in American “booty call.” We have never been more repulsed by him more. Not because he has a booty call. But because he used the word snuggles. Be careful Snots, with sweet nothings like that Ashley is sure to tell you to bounce. Yes folks, we’ve been reduced to dryer sheet jokes. Their order of, what else, sliders, arrive. Christ on the cross does Bravo own stock in sliders? We think every show on that channel has sliders eaten or mentioned at least once per episode. We digress. Snots tells Ashley how much chemistry he thinks they have together. The cameraman has chemistry with her as well, at least with her boobs. Maybe she’s a boob model. Is there such a thing? 

Snot’s 2 breast friends

when did I get swag?

Ashley tells Snots she’s heard about his wandering ways. He tries to deny it, but she tells him Herms has told her all about his relationship with Sar-Oprah. Snots tells us that no matter what he does to keep it casual, girls always end up wanting more.

What can we say? Girls are stupid 

Back to another meeting with Lunar or someone talking about money or something. We both have a headache and don’t care any more about their money plight. We have our own money plight. We watch these shows to see them run around with strap ons not constantly talk about being strapped for cash. We did find it interesting however that Snots doesn’t care about anyone over 250 pounds… or 300 pounds. We think he upped it another 50 pounds because the investor in the room wouldn’t make the cut. Herms decides to contribute and says the Ignite logo will be female friendly because it looks like a sperm and an egg. Really?! Sperm makes it feminine? What female likes sperm? Not us. 

BGA, Way Gay Marcus, Sar-Oprah, and Glenn-who? are at a party. Literally for several minutes nothing happens. Just music, people’s faces, and hugging. BGA and Sar-Oprah are talking about Ashley. Sarah tells BGA she met Ashley at SBSW. Sarah drops the bombshell that Snots called Ashley a stalker! Sarah is totes upset that he got her all interested and now he’s seeing someone else. Wait, isn’t this her definition of date cheating? Didn’t she throw a drink on Not Gay Jay for less? Poor BGA doesn’t know what to say or do so he tells her to pull her boobs up.

 Motor boat! Motor boat!

Back at “The Villa” the investor shows up with a nice sparkling red. Oh investor. These two drink instant coffee, they won’t appreciate a sparkling red. The investor tells them he could care less about losing money, so he’s in. YAY! Soon we will all know the joys of a fancy scale that tells us when we are gonna die. 

Herms is on a day date with Not Gay Jay. Say that 3 times fast. Herms is now pitching her other “baby” and compares it to American Idol of the tech world. Sigh. Unless you have someone equally a wretched as Seacrest we don’t want to hear about it. Herms invites him to “the villa” that night, but also tells him Sarah will be there. Not only does Not Gay Jay want to come to the party, he high fives Herms. Herms tells Not Gay Jay  that ain’t ok!

“The Villa” has a pizza party going on. We would like to point out the fashion at this pizza party. Herms is in a sparkly dress and Sarah is in a cocktail dress. Who eats pizza like this?! Sarah approaches both Herms and Ashley. Herms addresses the elephant in the room (well an elephant under 300 pounds) and  brings up Sarah’s and Snot’s date. Ashley is stunned! Sarah then takes it a step further by informing Ashley Snots called her a stalker.  Come on folks! Take it easy on poor Ashley. She’s just a model-entrepreneur. She can’t handle much more. Sarah calls Snots over and asks him if he remembered calling Ashley a stalker. Snots pretends he is a hard of hearing, no speaky the english that good kind of guy,and says “no of course I didn’t say that”. Off camera Sarah is blaming Herms for the whole interaction. We kinda blame Snots, but ok. Maybe it was the sparkling red, who knows, but Snots is smart enough to realize he’d better get Sarah out of “the villa” before she reveals anything else he’s said. Before her grand exit Sarah turns around and says “at the end of the day I really care about each of you.” Sarah, if you cared that much you wouldn’t have made Ashley cry.

Who ya gonna snuggle now?

Way Gay Marcus is shocked by the drama. Glenn-who? tries to escort Sarah out. Snots makes a big production of deleting Sarah from his phone. Even going so far as to having Ashley hit the delete button. HA HA! we would have hit the delete button with his head. 

Next week Kim goes to NY, cuz that’s where fashion is. Wait holy sweaters and grey hoodies aren’t fashion? Shenova is sure gonna be boring. Sarah needs to be a bit more likable so they’ve decided to write in a breast cancer scare….