Start-ups: Silicon Valley Recap: Trouble in Paradise

We’re here! We’re here! We have not forgotten you, Gasmii!  Don’t you hate it when real life gets in the way of your TV watching?  Work schedules have kept us away from you, but we are here to give your weekly fix of snark and judgement on these people in the SV.

The show opens in the morning, we know this because everyone is waking up, stretching, yawning, kissing their dog… you know the usual start to the beginning of the day, OH and look it’s the beginning of the show! These producers are so clever with the symbolism, not heavy handed at all!

Herman is obviously not a morning person because she’s already whining about so many things on her plate and being “pulled” in so many different directions. Cut to Snots “pulling” resistance bands during his morning workout. Symbolism again, so early in the morning? Come on now.  The Tetris pants are back for Herms work-out. So let’s see, she wears them to work-outs and to important meetings that will determine her business success then wonders why they can’t get any money. I guess we’re just poor, moronic, mid-west Americans who believe that you should dress for the job you want and try to make a good first impression. But afterall she’s been in the SV for 2 whole years so she knows waaaay more than we do.

Here, Herms, are we cool in the SV now too?

We begin to see cracks in the relationship between Herms and Snots. She is not sleeping well and is having trouble focusing on her other projects and Snots questions how focused she is on Ignite. He brings up his other 43 ventures. Again.  They are both such busy people that it is beginning to effect their health. Gee, if only they had some device to help them track their life span…

Kim wants to pick Dwight’s brain because she’s very self-important and wants to talk about herself as much as possible.  She’s talking again about quitting her job. 4 episodes now of hearing this crap and unless she’s talking about quitting the show, we really don’t care anymore. And that is all the time we will give to this segment because she’s boring and we won’t waste more time on her.

Now off to Sarah who is about to do an interview of some person who will remain nameless for now (Sara’s talking so nothing else matters) and honestly, we don’t are. Let’s all face ‘reality’ people, no one outside the tech world or the SV really cares about the tech world or the SV. We watch the housewives because it’s fun to see how the other half live. We watch these people because we are masochists. 

Sara tells us again how awesome she is. She is the original blogger. People love her. People adore her. People love to hate her. Just when we thought she could not be a more vile person she goes to a truly unbelievable level of despictablility (yes, it’s a word, shut up). And then she goes there, folks. Yep, she sure does. And with a straight face, too.

“At the end of the day, if Oprah was white and she was in tech, she would be me.”

*crickets*

Wow. Wow. Wow. We’re tempted to write a recap of just that statement and forget about the rest of the show. Wow.  We have so many comebacks. SO MANY. We have written and deleted about 20 so far and just can’t settle on one so we’ve come up with a plan. Write your best follow up line in the comments and the best one will win… ummm, well you’ll win our laughter, respect and an all caps LOL? Such a prize, we know. Maybe Sara will life cast the line for us? Or blog it? Or tweet it? Her tweets are worth $10,000 each you know so it would be a $10,000 joke! Score!

Cut to Herms pulling up to Dwight’s house to do an interview for one of her other many very important projects that are weighing her down; The Next Web,  is a “legitimate source of business and technology news.”  That’s right Herms, keep saying that and maybe someday it will be true. Look at Sarah, once upon a time she was just starting out and now she’s the Great, White Oprah!

Herm tells us that she has interviewed some of the biggest names on the planet, like Mark Zuckerberg (with his sister as a producer, we knew his name would come up sometime) but today they’re there to interview poor Dwight. We were kind of hoping they were there to clean his apartment. Herms thinks it’s classic SV, apparently it’s not a real start up without an inch of dust and grime everywhere. We’re thinking it’s classic broke ass living. We’re also thinking a cleaning app for people who live in the SV would make millions.

Cut to the glamorous life of Sara, her show is in a clean studio with actual interview chairs and a camera crew versus Herms videographer. The producers are obviously going for a symbolic contract between spoiled, high brow Sarah and scrappy Herman. Somebody got an A in Film School Symbolism 101.

Sara tells us that CEO’s are her celebrities. Girl, pick up a People. Her interview for Forbes.com consists of her saying IPO 3 times in 2 sentences so they better get her off screen quick or she’ll lose all credibility.

How many times would Oprah say IPO? 

Back to Herms interviewing Dwight to help him get the word out about his start up. Awww, isn’t she wonderful? So giving. So kind…thank goodness for the fast forward button.

Off to Sarah who is telling her CEO to be passionate and love what you do. We’re pretty sure Oprah lets the guests offer the advice on how to be successful but maybe Sara’s starting another new trend that will sweep the city.

Kim is still talking. She is finally quitting her job… blah blah blah. Seriously, that’s all that clip was about; her rambling about quitting her job. She’s making us miss David’s “I was fat” story.

 Herms and Snots are at Javelin hoping to get someone to give them some money. They are both dressed well, at least.  And then reality TV finally gets real because the investors start asking some real questions. They want to know how to track truthful answers and, Snots says “Uhhhhhhhmmmmm.”  They want to know how the results are affected if someone slips and has 1 cigarette and Snots says, “It doesn’t matter, it’s really for the long term.” Effective app, right? How about an app that tells when you’re lying? Or failing? They really need that one because Herman tells her brother that he “nailed it”. If by “nailed it” you mean he made sure to never get any money from anyone ever, then she’s right about something. Lord knows she failed with her hair. We were mesmerized by her hair bump. Is there a hair app someone can start? 

Oh dear God, we’re back to Kim. She’s finally going to quit her job…after the commercial break. Really? Do they think they need to ramp up the lack of drama? Sigh. Just do it, just spit it out, no one cares.

Well, obviously the boss guy cares because he wants to make sure she’s not going to start a competing company, she reassures him that she’s not and he says, “Good. Because we’d beat you.” He is officially our favorite person on the show. Kim says she felt insulted because she was there to give him the courtesy of quitting to his face and not opening a competing company and she didn’t feel he was striking the appropriate tone.  She apparently had envisioned him falling to his knees begging for her to stay and sobbing at her feet. We’ve quit enough places to know that NEVER happens, Kim, get over yourself. Boss guy wishes her luck and begs her to stop talking, oh wait that was us.

I plan on writing an app called 101 ways to say I quit

Javelin passed on the fancy scale. Herms is devastated because she has been in the SV almost 2 years longer than Snots so she knows waaaay more about life in the Valley. She wants him to cough up some money from his millions but he tells her it’s all tied up, “I can be worth 50 million on paper and not have $10 in my pocket. It doesn’t mean anything.” Somebody better call Patti Stinker and let her know this ASAP.

Snots then has the brilliant idea to default on the payment to Lunar and the other suppliers to buy time until they can find an investor. Looks like he’s learned the American way more quickly than Herms realized. We wonder if he’d “handle” Bank of America for us…

I’m too pretty to work 

 We’re back to Kim and holy cow, did you know she quit her job?  She’s calling her mom to tell her about it all. Now our mom would freak and yell and worry and threaten to make us move in with her and our dad and cry and hang up on us then call us back to hang up again then our dad would call to tell us that our mom is very upset and offer us money or at least a dinner. Kim’s mom said, “wow, really? Ok, take care”  How many mimosas does this woman drink? Kim tells us that it’s not a big deal because she lives off 30% of her net value and nobody else in America is smart enough to do that. Her and Snots need to get their stories straight. 

Start from the beginning- how do you default on a loan?

We get to see  Herm and Snots playing with an app that swaps faces and will be more successful than theirs. Not that that is hard to do…

Kim is celebrating her last day of work with a girls night so of course she calls Dwight to join them. He dug the phone out of the trash, took the call and raced over to be the life of the party and because he has the hots for her. She hangs all over him but at the end of the day, she is the girl who keeps guys like Dwight around because she likes the attention and needs to feel adored.

Yay- Big Gay Al! Awww, we long for a fat kid story after soooo much Kim this episode. He’s wearing his fancy gray hoodie so that means he’s going out on the town! It’s a mixer for people looking for help with launching their app. We can’t believe Sara didn’t plan this; after all she is the official SV matchmaker.  He is actually allowed in, settles for a lite beer and gets to talk to the head honcho so things are going well.

Then Snots and Herman show up…looking stressed but well dressed. BGA is worried because they are kind of competitors but Herms is filming and offers to interview BGA, which is really nice. She then tells him all about how broke they are. BGA admits he is broke as well. Snots then offers to help him out and not in a gay way- a $$$ money. This shocks Herman who blows up at him and rightly so, Snots talks down to her all the time about how they don’t have any money but he can somehow help BGA??!! Snots says he’s blindsided by the argument. Typical man, shoots his mouth off then can’t understand what he did wrong. We feel bad for BGA, clearly uncomfortable but obviously torn between running and staying for the show.

Starting to see why they were separated at birth 

The only person more uncomfortable was the poor Asian guy who wanted to walk up and say hi…

Asian in the headlights 

Herman decides to make a point by dropping her glass so it shatters all over the floor then dramatically states that what she feels like. Snots says “likewise” but come on, he didn’t understand it. We’re irrational, emotionally charged women and we didn’t fully get it. Maybe it’s a British thing. She’s seems very concerned for the families of the Lunar employees who won’t get paid but doesn’t give a second thought to the poor waitress who will have to clean up her mess. BGA offered to get them a drink and meet them outside. He then rolled his eyes and walked away- LOVE him!

Herman cries and everyone says awwww, don’t worry we love you. Typical girl.

Next week looks more interesting and not just because there were no clips of Kim. BGA gets faced when an investor outs him as a hypocrite for wanting to start an accountability app but doesn’t want to be accountable to anyone. Sara rides a bull then kisses Snots. Herms and Snots fight some more.

Did you all listen to this week’s Watch What Crappens? We have never missed a week because we love how those guys always make us laugh and couldn’t wait to hear from Nads and Herman… Tell us what you thought and we’ll tell you our opinions… 

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