AWKWARD!!! There’s an app for that.
Hellloooooooooooo Gasmi! Welcome to another week of the incredibly interesting SV…. if incredibly interesting now means incredibly shallow and barely average.
We start the show where we left them last week, begging for money. It’s so very Oliver Twist. They get shot down, so no gruel tonight kids. Snots didn’t like the way the investor said no to them….He feels he was “speaking down to us.” Well yeah, you’re short. Aren’t you used to it? They head home to tell their roommate all about it. Wait, hold on, when did these 2 get a roommate? UMMMMMM Helloooooo?! Last week was the introduction episode. Who is this guy?
Meet Marcus. Herman and Snots roommate. That’s all we really know about him
The trio is very frustrated and decide to scream on the balcony to release tension. A very Steve Jobs things apparently. Too bad their life expectancy app wasn’t around to help Steve. (too soon?)
Next up Sarah and Big Gay Al are working out. David retells his weight loss story, again. He also tells us when he feels sore from a workout he likes to think of it as sexual pain to help him through it. Where is he putting those dumbbells?!!!! And is this the kind of advise you will offer on your app…Pass!
David is physically and emotionally exhausted after the party. He tells Sarah that he was SO UPSET when he saw Snots yelling at her. SOOOOOO Upset he almost texted her. Almost. Sarah tells David she hates to go to parties because people are always nice to her face then they become mortal enemies. So why go Sarah? It is our experience, that if you’re the common denominator then you’re the problem. Girls who can’t have other girls as friends are trouble. The more you know…..
David offers her some girl advice, “Be cordial and respectful.” The problem isn’t the advice BGA, the problem is Sarah.
The focus is now on Kim. Does anyone else wonder if she is a long-lost Kardashian or just a desperate wanna-be?
Parking in the rear.
Kim is telling her friend/coworker how wonderful her life is but how bored she is. The friend tells her she’s been there for “like 2 years.” Wow- in the SV world that’s like 15 in dog years. Uh Oh do we see a bit of foreshadowing here?
Back at the Four Seasons with Sarah and we are introduced to her Personal Assistant Kassie. WTF?! Why the hell does she get an assistant?!!!! How did that want ad read? “Life caster needs someone to keep her from walking into traffic while she blogs non-stop” Does she get full dental? How bad does your life have to suck to be an assistant to a “life caster”?
These next few moments were soooooo totally scripted, we paused to look up Kassie on IMDB to see her credentials, but sadly this is her life. This “life casting” is so utterly ridiculous that we can’t stop laughing. It’s our new phrase…”OMG I totally need to life cast that pls hold!” Ugh, they’re still talking, back to the show. Sarah thinks she’s going on a date with her future husband…
Off to a SV pool party! What does one do when you’re 30 something in (or near) SV, can’t get a loan to save your life and it’s 65 degrees out? Get oiled up and dive in a pool of course! We learn that Snots was so horrible that even his mother couldn’t stand him. She dropped him off on his father’s front porch, like a prom baby in a trash can. We also are introduced to Jay.
Herman thinks he’s pretty but isn’t sure the ‘lift’ goes all the way to the top hat.
Herman apparently likes a man she can climb, cause she’s all over him. Wait til she learns Sarah has a “date” with him.
Back to Kim and her definition of a start-up. It’s nimble. Can we have the definition please? Nimble. Quick, light, or clever.
Can you use it in a sentence pls? Jack be nimble, Jack be quick. Kim’s gonna lose her paycheck….. Her boss has a different definition of a start-up. It’s momentum. As in “Kim you’ve had your moment-ummmmmm……time to go.”
Keep calm and make a sex tape.
Back to Sarah. Being the giver she is (ohhh and to earn her room at the Four Seasons), she has put together a “bubble tank”. Basically a whole bunch of people telling each other how wonderful they are. Sarah likes to compare herself to a matchmaker.More like she’s been the Four Season’s ho for so long, she’s turned into the pimp. She piled the Johns in the audience and the Ho’s are on the stage.
David gets up and tells his fat story, AGAIN. He doesn’t want money though- he ain’t no ho. He just wants advise. Here’s some advise BGA, don’t wear a hoodie to a ho-stravaganza. Some people actually really connected with him. They call it a journey. Really?! We go through it once a month, well all the time, but blame it on constant bloating. Someone want to give us some money for that?
Is there a gay “to catch a predator”? cuz we are pretty sure he’s on it.
Kim and her co-worker are at happy hour where she complains about the company wanting more from her and might be looking for a change. They better be careful or she might just leave and do her own thing…haven’t they read the script?!
Herman drives to the Four Seasons to make amends with Sarah and her little dog too. (We think they are pushing for Juniper to be the next Jiggy- not going to happen). Sitting at the pool Herman exclaims “it’s so hot!” Girl, take off your leather jacket!! Christ, and she’s the smart one folks. Herman wants to make a peace-offering. She gives Sarah a sparkly tiara. Sarah’s dog seemed very impressed. There is more she said, she said, but honestly Sarah owns nothing. Well she does own kissing Snots, but also blames that on Herman. Side note….Sarah, please get some serious facials at the Four Seasons. Pretty soon you’re gonna look like Beaver Face from the O.C.
We are in the Park with BGA and his dream lover….aka Jay. David describes Jay as a big nerd who’s a model. He’s a nerdel…. he also can be known as Not Gay Jay. We are torn on which one we like more so here’s your chance Gasmi! Decide for us… Anywhooo. David tells Jay about an awesome running app that has Zombies chase him which motivates him to run more…and hold on to Jay for protection… Note to cast, THIS IS A GOOD APP.
Herman and Snots are begging for more money. The siblings have refined their pitch. The app tracks your life expectancy based on your life choices. Good life choices add time and bad ones take time away. Bad choices like lying? They claim that they have battled weight issue- we call BS! The French investor says no. Which is rare because the French normally say yes to EVERYTHING! Yes to more red wine! Yes to more butter! Maybe he says no to the app because red wine and butter lowers his life expectancy and isn’t denial a river in France? No?
BGA is playing some kind of Dungeons and Dragons with the nerdel aka not gay jay (seriously help us out. typing all that is tiresome) and Bill the lisper. BGA totes wants Jay. Jay denies any man pond activity, but isn’t sure about Sarah either.
BGA asks about Sarah- Jay says it’s not a date with Sarah, he just wants to hang out.
Cut to Sarah preparing for her “date” with full hair and makeup because she “wants to look good for him.” WOW. Gee Sarah thanks for ruining the girl code on dates.
She shows up at his apartment. OK. If this is the first date why is she going to pick him up? Call us old-fashioned but really, if a guy won’t make the effort to come get you then keep looking. Sarah, remember in full hair and makeup, meets Jay in his beanie and t-shirt. Nice. True to form, Sarah doesn’t take a hint and marches in still expecting to go to a restaurant and have a date. There are fireworks…the real kind then they retire to his “quaint” apartment. Sarah sneaks off to the bathroom to lifecast her date. Gross. She tags him in it and is surprised when he finds out.
“So I’m gonna live on the edge and not wash my hands”
This is my ‘not cool’ face
Sarah wants to know if Jay is mad and wants to post a quote on her page. Jay wonders how she will ever find a guy willing to put up with someone who “life casts” proving he is a smart little nerdel.
Next week we get some emotional fireworks between Jay and Sarah and a perfectly good drink is
Tell us what you think about this episode!