**Note from the Editor: Alright, Gasmii. You’ve sent letters requesting this one, so please welcome InternetSensation with Step it Up and Dance! And you thought we never listened…xo
It’s Nomi, bitch.
Welcome to Step It Up and Dance! More than a decade later we find out what happens to Nomi Malone when she hitches her way out Vegas to the City of Angels. Why she gets to host a show on Bravo! Those sexy looks and raw ambition were bound to take her far. But, enough about Nomi, we got twelve new egomaniacal and driven dancers equally as delightful to watch. If you love tears, flaming gay men, and hearing the phrase “step it up” approximately three hundred times in an hour, then this is the show for you! As if watching Nomi wasn’t reason enough.
You’re the whore, darlin’.
And there’s our girl! Hey there, hot stuff! She’s here to show us what it takes to be a PROFESSIONAL dancer. Tony award winning director Jerry Mitchell is there to mentor our up and comers and blah blah blah we’re going to be impressed! Really does it matter what she’s saying? Fans of camp everywhere have their hearts racing just at the sight of our slicked up beauty.
And now let’s meet our contestants! First up is Miguel and his style of dance is Jazz Funk. He informs us that he is a pioneer of the genre and the best performer you will ever see. He is the Da Vinci of dancing. Or something.
Or we’ll just make that face.
Janelle is a hip hop girl and dances in her garage about seven hours a day. Must be nice to not have to work, sleep or go to school. She’s a little yappy chihuahua and more specifically, a chihuahua owned by Paris Hilton.
Hi, I’m hot.
James from North Carolina comes in set to annoy us all right off the bat by proclaiming that he’s 23 years “young”. Do people think they’re being clever when they say that? And then jumps on the person that comes out of the cab and wants to have a walk off. Then he hugs someone else.
The rest of the gang shows up and I keep thinking these people all know each other because Hugger and Chihuahua get super excited every time someone walks in the door. Oscar is Italian and is a recipient of a hug. Nicole is a go-go dancer and is there representing go-go dancers everywhere, since no one thinks of go-go dancing as anything more than a girl trying to make a buck at night at a shitty club in Hollywood. Who knew?
Mochi arrives and does every type of dance. Most recently she’s been on the Lion King on Broadway. Nick is one of the straight dudes on the show and tells us he got into dance because wanted to be Kevin Bacon in Footloose. He then adds that at a young age he realize it was a good place to meet ladies. Ah, let the incessant reminders of heterosexuality begin!
Cody arrives and his pedigree is attending Julliard before joining the cast of Moving Out, Grease and Mama Mia. And before we get to meet the rest here comes Nomi!! She comes in with the group’s Tim Gunn, Jerry Mitchell. Ah, the dashing, well-spoken gay mentor. We should all be so lucky to have one. The group gushes over Nomi as they should and she blesses them with a quick gesture.
With a wave of my hands, I can make your head explode.
They get another speech about how they’re gonna show America what it means to be a Professional Dancer. Whoever is the most Professional Dancer is gonna win $100,000. Jerry is the Tim Gunn and is here to help. They announce that tonight they get to go out to a club, which prompts another round of hugs. Jerry tells them to simmer down though because tomorrow it gets SERIOUS. Dun dun dunnnnn.
Now back to the rest of the troupe: Adriana is a member of Link, a contemporary jazz group in New York. She’s loud and in your face and apparently unloved by the folks at Bravo.
Perhaps you should not have been loud and in your face to the editors, Shrewsbury.
Next up is Jessica, who is the one dancer who does not talk about herself like she shits roses. In fact, Jessica brings to the table what I like to call Loser Talk. Somebody buy this bitch The Secret already. Even in her intro she tells us that she’s nervous, intimidated and that everyone is better than her. Basically, she’s the worst.
Nomi gets all wide-eyed in disbelief like this is her first time at the rodeo.
We never stooped to that in Showgirls.
Oh yes you did, sweetcheeks.
Then she gets on the mic at the DJ booth and calls out, “Stop the music” and she sends the extras home. Wha? This isn’t an actual club? This was all orchestrated by the mad geniuses at Bravo TV? Damn you! I was fooled. But finally a show that admits that everyone in the background is walking out with a W-9.
So Nomi has played a little trick on our group. The challenge has already begun. Fooled again! It turns out the first guest judge has been observing them. It’s Jamie King. No, not the model, the amazing choreographer behind the Spice Girls and Madonna. Italian now wishes he hadn’t taken his shirt off. Jamie King begins taunting the dancers with vulgar hand gestures.
I got my eye on you, esse.
Kidding. Jamie is actually super hot.
So they divide into three groups and the DJ is going to change up the music after a minute and with each change they have to change their style of dancing with the music. And the first group Chihuahua, Mochi, Italian and Tovah. Jamie tells us that our jaws should drop when we watch these people. THAT’S how good they should be. My friends and I come up with better moves on the dance floor. Seriously, I’m not saying these people aren’t great at their style, but have they seen Step Up or Step Up to the Streets? Now that’s some freestyle.
I trained for ten years to learn how to shake my ass.
Chihuahua and Mochi go to one couch, Italian and Tovah to the other.
Group two flails around to some weirdo styles of music that everyone rightfully has no clue how to dance to, and Adriana appears to do the Charleston. Final group includes Hugger who pushes an ottoman around as a dance move. Visionary.
Nobody thought of moving the furniture!
From group two, Adriana and Michael go to Mochi and Chihuahua’s couch, Jessica and Nick to Tovah’s. From third group, Hugger and Miguel to Mochi, Cody and Go-Go to Tovah’s. But it’s not over yet. Apparently his mind is not made up. Now it’s a dance off between the couches and calls up Jessica and Adriana. Blondie does a bit better and gets to switch couches. I agree. It’s pretty clear the right couch is the winning group. Turns out that the right couch is not only the winning group, but they’re all exempt from elimination this week. One will be the winner with immunity for next week, but they’re all good for this week.
So out come two guys from Jamie’s entourage, RJ and Nick, and they will work with them on choreography for the final performance. They will only have an hour and a half before they have to perform in front of the judges. Back at the apartment, Miguel and the Hugger have already bonded. Miguel is Hugger’s “sista” and they are the “Mean Girls” of the house. They are Mean Gays, The Plastics. He said it, not me.
Also, Go-go dancer has a huge bump on her leg. No REAL dancer would get a lame injury like that from boots. Lady Sensation scoffs.
Yeah, the dancer that blames the shoes.
The winning group goes up first. It’s all intensity and bah-bah-BAH counting. And then Loser Talk Jessica gets some slight negative feedback and this sends her in a downward spiral. Mean Gay Miguel says that they are all over the place does not want this group to make him look bad. I would be more concerned about his hair making him look bad, but whatevs.
They’re dancing to “Spice up your life”, which is of course Mean Gay’s favorite Spice Girls’ song. But Loser Talk can’t enjoy it because she is already crying about how proud of herself she is for being in the winning group. Oh, Loser Talk. You are not long for this Step It Up world.
Go-go is still not sure about her injury. It’s like a bruise on her shin. The elimination group’s routine is different. Cody was surprised he was in the elimination group and it looks like rightfully so. He immediately stands out as a strong tumbler and radiates confidence, not arrogance, a quality I think a Professional Dancer should have. Oscar isn’t clicking with the choreographers because he comes from a ballet background. The spirit of the group is a little more anxious because they’re dancing for their life not a free pass.
Good-bye, Go Go. I am disappointed I did not get more time to make fun of you. But you are still lovely.
Callback performance! The group was thrown a curveball and they are going to freestyle after the choreography and this makes everyone nervous. Mean Gay Plastic hates freestyling. Freestylin at a club is different than for the judges. Even worse? So Vincent Patterson and Nancy O’Meara are judges along with Nomi and Jamie King. Nancy works with the Disney Channel kids, Vanessa Hudgens and Hannah Montana. And another guest judge for today. How many judges does one panel need? Jamie King brought a special guest and it’s…Scary Spice! Looking really good. We’ll take her afterall.
I get it, Eddie. I want her to be my baby mama, too.
So, the winning group performance is going according to plan until Loser Talk Jessica flips out and bolts off the stage. And apparently for no reason. I watched the clip about eight times and up until that point she seems like she’s doing just fine. Here’s a football game style freeze frame of Jessica’s trajectory. “X” marking the original spot.
I heard my copy of “The Secret” just came in!
She comes out in time for the freestyle part and when the performance ends, bursts into tears. Mean Gay Plastic is obviously unsympathetic. Her argument was that she didn’t know what was going on so left so she didn’t mess anyone else up. But you know what he wanted. He wanted her to “step up” and not leave him stranded because they were partners. As of press time, Lady Sensation still can’t get enough of hearing people say “step it up” and any variations on that theme.
Comments from Chihuahua and Mochi ice cream were essentially that they need to not dance like mean, angry men.
Seriously, she never noticed that face when she was dancing seven hours a day in front of that mirror?
And the judges call Mochi “Michelle”, which irritates me a bit. Can they not see what a scrumptious little Mochi ball of ice cream she is? I love her. Mochi is truly my favorite. Mean Gay’s critique is that he needs to “man up a bit”. When Nancy O’Meara tells him he needs to “man up” he asks if he danced like a fag. That’s right. He had to ask. You make the call, brosef:
Tom’s of Maine fennel scent is de-lish, bitches.
Hugger had great freestyle. And Michael actually asks for a note and doesn’t like that he hasn’t been addressed yet. Jamie says, “Yeah, I got one for you.” I would be happy if Jamie were here every week. He says that Michael is a good dancer and he needs him to be GREAT. A Professional Dancer does not settle for goodness.
So now they discuss amongst themselves who the winner should be and the dancers stay onstage. I like how they talk in front of them. Everyone likes Chihuahua’s fire and Hugger’s style. Hugger could even sell Nancy O’Meara a sneaker full of poop. But Chihuahua wins! Take note Mean Gay: angry man face beats fag face any day.
So now Elimination group needs to step it up and show that they have what it takes to stay in the game. Yes, Nomi says step it up again. Everyone seems pretty good, Codie definitely being a stand out dancer. Adriana seems a little loosey-goosey. When it comes to freestylin’ Nick does a goofy little white guy move and Codie finally brings the freestyle heat.
Elimination group this, suckas.
The end of “Spice up your life” ends with a “Hold Tight!”, which both groups had to land and Adriana falters on the one move that should be held tight.
Or semi-tight. Whatever you feel like.
The judges are impressed with these kids though. Wow! says Jamie King. They were his B group and they were great. Now they have learned their lesson: they should always be on, because they were not giving that last night. Everyone agrees that Cody is a star. The other White dude Nomi thinks is handsome and Mel B. says that he’s her type. Ho, snap! Callin’ our girl out. Let’s get a little judge-contestant action going! Everyone points out that Adriana messed up a few steps. Jamie has to remind her that she was originally in the A group. Anyone want to remind Jamie of who he moved her for, though? I wouldn’t be rubbing that in too much.
I’m just gonna rest a minute while y’all do that bend back thing.
Everyone thinks Oscar is a snooze. The ballet people are definitely the ones that aren’t impressing the judges. It’s all about the jazz funk, people. Tovah is too passive. In fact, Jamie says she needs to…Step up! Fuette turns are no way to show America you got what it takes to be a Professional Dancer. Tovah says she’s not good at the hip-hop thing. You’re black, Mel B says, laughing at her and Tovah blushes, clearly embarrassed she can’t hang. Then starts to cry because she wants it so bad. Aw, you’re going to get walked all over.
So the judges talk in front of them again. Cody and Nick would have been picked as the best dancers of the evening had they been in the first group. They are quickly dismissed from the stage and this is when we learn that Mochi loves to smack some ass. Witness exhibit A:
Going for the gold.
Back to the three left hanging. Oscar needs to show more, Adriana might not be as capable as the rest of the group and Tovah needs to connect more. Oscar is safe. Tovah is safe. Adrianna is out. And she almost was safe in the first group. And blondie definitely would have gone home had they not switched. Such is fate.
Then Nomi announces that it’s time for her last dance. Oh, yes! They are gonna bust some sad, final solo numbers on us. This show is a big ball of fantasticness.
And, hey, what’s Mochi up to, you ask? Yeah, that’s right. Even when it’s frowny time, she’s still bustin’ an ass smack. Witness exhibit B:
Going for the gold redux.
She dances her last dance.
Well, at least you had a really hot intro picture.
Could this show be any better? Who are your early favorites? Who wants a little Mochi ass-smackin??
The previews for the season left me breathless. Also, here’s some exclusive clips from next episode: