Step It Up and Dance: Putting the Ho in Show

Flying Hookers: worth every penny.

Week two! And it’s time for our “pimps and prostitutes” week, brought to us by the chic French underground dance world of course. Those Parisians can make anything fashionable. The girls get tarted up and the boys attempt to butch up. It’s hard work for the latter group, but fun for us.

It’s breakfast at our co-ed aparetments and Hugger is flashing people in the kitchen. Ah, the breakfast of champions. Mean Gay wants to prove he’s manly this week and starts by putting on his “Sunday” socks. Because it’s Sunday! Dude, a real man wears his Sunday socks on Monday.

Would you like some nuts and berries with that omelette?

Loser Talk says that her antics last week made the group think she’s amateur. Actually, I think it’s because she told them she was an amateur and did not dance professionally, but whatevs. She tells us though that has majored in dance at UC-Santa Barbara and that’s nothing to thumb your nose at. This morning troupe gets a note to be ready to go in their most provactive gear. They’re going to the “Underworld!” This confuses Chihuahua and excites Italian. Hugger makes a comment about being the sexiest. In other news, the world continues to go ’round.

The group arrives at the King King club where Nomi and Jerry are waiting for them. And now our dancers get to observe a performance. Nomi informs them that they are going to witness the most provocative cabaret ever….Les Fleurs des Senses!!! And, according to Michael, it starts out cutesy, but then gets steamy. One girl comes out and starts shaking her moneymaker all over the place and Hugger describes it as “shucking and jiving”, which highly amuses me. The group loves this bit and gives her a standing O. But now the epic story of the Parisian underworld begins. And it’s DRAMA! There’s violence! There’s sensuality! Several girls stomp an fallen dude. Of course, the cutaways are better than the dance.

Oh!

OH!

Oh my.

Our dancers, ever the scene stealers.

When it ends, the choreographer comes out to take credit for this tale of sex and intrigue. She’s a Frenchie alright. Her name Cati Jean, and she will be the guest judge. The other guest judge of the week is Carolina Cerisola, the shucker and jiver. Nomi says Shuck and Jive is a world famous dancer in her own right, because her resume includes Prince and Justin Timberlake music videos. I always thought world fame meant when the whole world knows who you are, but I don’t mess with Nomi. She might make my head explode with her hand wave.

So this week they are going to be performing in an “Apache” (a-posh) and they are going to be recreating it. It’s a sexy and daring challenge! And…no one knows what an apache is. So, not really a whole lotta fame going around here whatsoever. Cati explains that it’s a very dramatic dance between a pimp and prostitute. There’s a whole dance named after that special relationship? About time I say!

And I hate to say anything because I love ‘er so much, but does anyone else think Nomi has crazy eyes?

Crazy Eyes Killa?

This time they only have one hour to learn the choreography and then they’ll be divided into a winning and elimination group based on the audition they do for Cati and Shuck and Jive. There are more guys than girls, so the girls switch out.

Dancing an apache requires lots of partnering, which is a tough job. You got to have trust for those drop-lifts, says Michael. Who you tellin? I’ve seen Dirty Dancing AND The Cutting Edge.

Choking your partner not necessary, just a bonus.

Cody goes on about how much he LOVES the dynamic between a man and woman. Pause. “Onstage”. Why the pause, Codes? Either way, this is totally the type of thing he lives to do. Hugger, like Mean Gay, also knows his masculinity is a problem. He’s afraid he’s going to be upstaged by his partner in the manliness department. Mean Gay tells us he DOES NOT partner. He can’t risk anyone looking more masculine than him, either. Hugger thinks Chihuahua’s the sexiest girl, which makes sense because she’s the one that makes manly faces. For the performance, they play the dumbest music ever and it’s distracting. Cati scrutinizes them carefully.is looking for dancers that can create emotion and a story. Pony tricks mean nothing to her. Americans are so showy! Frenchie wants depth!

And now for her divisions: Mochi, Tovah, Cody, Oscar, Nick are in one group (which minus Mochi Ball looks exactly like last week’s elimination group). And Loser talk, Chihuahua, Hugger, Michael, Mean Gay are all vets from the winning group.

And here’s the twist! They don’t know which group is which until tomorrow! Mean Gay says it’s IRONIC that he has to work with Loser Talk again, also demonstrating that in addition to not partnering he also does not use words in a correct fashion. And then Italian tells us that his group must be the winning group and makes a cute face. I think I’m in love with Italian. Is he gay?

But even though she doesn’t know which group she’s in, Loser Talk is not holding it together. She takes Loser Talk straight up to Quitter Talk and mopes to Jerry Tim Gunn about how she wants to go home. Of course, Jerry reminds her that she possesses the most important quality in the world: GORGEOUSNESS! You are tall and gorgeous, he yells! And he wants her to think about THAT. Not mentioning anything about her dancing, She says that she’s going to try! Because Jerry believes in her. TRY! TRY! TRY! says Jerry.

Well, you’re pretty…and your legs are long…and you cry a lot, so, you know, so, stick around! You make those gay boys feel tough!

So now it’s time for the real rehearsal. For their performance number, they will have to come up with a storyline, character AND choreography. Cati Jean is going to be judging them on their creativity. Jerry states the obvious by saying that last challenge they got to be themselves, now they have to invent a character. Jer LOVES character.

Mochi Ball’s group is up first. Cody steps up and acts like this apache business is something he does everyday, coming up with an elaborate pimps and prostitutes tale. He has this whole brothel saga right up his sleeve! More intense! More aggressive! yells Cati Jean. In Europe, weeeee are eeeemotional!

The story is not completely clear, but it looks like Cody comes in and falls in love with a whore with a heart of gold, and then Italian takes Tovah and beats the shit out of her. Tovah doesn’t like what a perfectionist Cody is. She’s also nervous because she’s never played a prostitute before. Don’t worry honey. It’s easy. You just get paid to do what your friends do for free. It’s better! And Straight Nick is annoyed with Cody, too. He doesn’t like that he’s telling eveyone what to do. Cody’s sly method is telling everyone specifically how they should do it and then adds, “Just an idea.” Smooth, dude, smooth. They come right together at the end though. I say winners for real.

A poignant metaphor for the group dynamic.

Jerry says that they have a “beautiful” story and now they need to let their characters emerge. Jerry loves character. Lives for that shit.

Next group! Loser Talk says she wants to play a character that wants to fit in. Mean Gay finds more “irony” in that. Incidentally, his look, not so much.

My life is so a Greek tragedy.

Michael says that he wants to play a character that’s torn between men and women. And then we get a Shocking Confession. Michael admits he’s at the last stop before flaming gay: Bisexuality. Yeah, right, dude. He even says that his character hopes he ends up with a man. Uh-oh! Don’t let Jerry know that’s your “character”. Jerry LOVES creating a character.

I’m almost there. Now I just have to date that one girl who always manages to date guys that come out right after they break up, and then the cliché will be complete.

Mean Gay and Hugger constantly make catty comments about not liking Michael, but that could be because he actually dances like a man.

Mean gay wants to separate the guys and girls. Ha. What “characters” these guys are creating. Jerry Tim Gunn is so not gonna like this. In addition their story is not clear at all. Loser Talk plays a woman that wants to participate in an orgy. And that’s all I get. Mean Gay takes pride in the fact that he’s choreographer and teacher to this group, and can’t be bothered to inform us of the rest of his genius plan. Cue the dramatic synthesizer music! And this group looks a hot mess. This can’t possibly be the winning group.

The Macho Competition gets off to a rocky start.

Jerry Tim Gunn even comes out and even says they don’t have one story, they have like fifteen. And they don’t have an ending. Just keep dancing in that circle, guys. That was totally working.

Back at the ranch, Italian is in short gym shorts and Cody and Mochi Ball feel uncomfortable. But he tells them that he has freedom of expression AND does the Nomi hands.

Nomi Hands + Italian + gym shorts=Lady Sensation’s dream come true.

And then Mochi Ball falls and it’s the cutest thing ever.

Mochi doing anything=Lady Sensation’s other dream come true.

OMFG, I love these people.

But the other group is not smiles times. Loser Talk wants to practice, knowing their piece is a hot mess, but Hugger and Mean Gay want to get drunk and hang out. And probably talk about Bea Arthur and Margaret Cho. Haaaay! Hugger drops the “sista” comment on us again about Mean Gay. It makes my ears bleed. Loser Talk is worried because she has alot to prove this week, but Mean Gay is SOOOO confident that he is in the winning group, so she should just liquor up and be their fag hag.

Before they go find out which group is which, Italian calls his mama for her birthday and she is sick with liver cancer. He is doing the competition for her and wants the 100 Gs for her treatment. Could Italian be anymore adorable? And open question for everyone: is he gay or just really really Euro? Italian men are naturally a bit flamboyant compared to American men and can blur the line between macho and fey. And I actually think he’s gay, but I’m trying to keep the dream alive. Anyone?

I’ve just got to pimp some hos out tonight, mama, and I will have all the money you need.

And now it’s time to find out which group is which. And…Mean Gay is not the winning group! Everyone had to have known this though. Yay, Mochi and well, everyone in that group, since they are not named Hugger or Mean Gay. Mean Gay says he does not understand why they are the elimination group, despite the fact that neither he nor Hugger dance like men and he said over and over he doesn’t do partner dance. It’s not a Jazz Funk piece, Da Vinci.

Now it’s time to pick wardrobe and make-up. And now Tovah gets on the loser talk train. Tovah laments that she has an actual figure that looks like a woman’s. She hates having big boobs. She doesn’t even have a love-hate relationship with her body. She just straight up hates it. Tovah, no! You are a hot, doe-eyed piece. I refuse to here another hot ass bitch hate on themselves.

And speaking of, Loser Talk is going on and on about how she has to not run off stage, so much to prove, blah blah blah. Mean Gay says Loser talk has a “record” of leaving the stage. I wouldn’t go so far as to say record, but definitions of words don’t seem his strong point. Jazz funk on the other hand.

Non-ironic nautical accessories.

And show time! Crazy Eyes Nomi is in character with the group, wearing her suspenders. She welcomes back Vincent and Disney Nancy as our judges, as well as Cati Jean and Shuck and Jive. She goes over how it has to be violent, dramatic, etc. etc. Mochi looks hot all dolled up, but Chihuahua looks awful in her outfit. Well, actually, she looks like a used-up hooker, so well done! The judges remind her that she has immunity before the performance, so no matter how much she sucks, she’s in.

And winners go first. I get the story, but there doesn’t seem that much dancing. Just blocking and grabbing and atrocious stage fighting. It’s sort of bad high school theater. I understand they only had an hour and a half, but I could have made a pained expression if some guy dragged me across the stage by my hair. Perhaps it’s just the music that’s making this seem like a joke. The best part is when Italian breaks a bottle over Nick’s head. That’s drama. I guess I don’t get the story, but it did seem over-the-top emotional and I think they understood the challenge and what Frenchie wanted. My emotional barometer is just pretty low, so unless someone started actually bleeding, I’m not going to be “moved”. I just don’t think I’m meant for the apache style.

Bitch. Don’t mess my weave.

But Cati Jean sure is moved! Frenchie is so amazed by them. They got goosebumps! Vincent is happy that all the losers from last week are now in the top group. (Mochi is now the only one that’s been in top group twice. Go, ice cream ball!) Mochi does get critiqued that when she was sitting by the table she didn’t seem as into the performace. Split hairs, dude. Tovah gets yelled at by Nancy for hunching over and hiding her god-given assets. Nomi says that she’s apologizing for her figure and Tovah starts crying. Oh my pretty little doe! Use those girls!

Everyone likes how Italian stepped it up this week. His work was “very exciting”. Agreed! Everything about Italian excites me. Nick didn’t step up enough. Cody is of course the star. Cati couldn’t take her eyes off him. In general, everyone loved this group.

In judging, Vincent likes Italian. Cati Jean thinks Cody has great technique. Nancy thinks Cody is too clean and not surprising enough. Shuck and Jive thinks Italian wasn’t manly enough, but Vincent thinks he held it all together. Did he not see that bottle break? That shit was raw. A table divided! They get it together though and have Cody and Italian step forward and…Italian wins! Yay! I want him to step up to my heart.

And now Loser Group. I love seeing these two cocky bastards fighting for their lives. Nomi reminds them that they have to step it up and show them they have what it takes to stay in the game. Mean Gay says he’s gonna show her how manly he is, which will definitely be done acting out a three dude orgy.

Manly.

Manly.

Manly.

Way to show those judges, Mean Gay!

So in this number there’s a lot of table slamming, stomping, confused faces, including ones on Nomi, Cati and Shuck and Jive. Yeah, there is no story here.

You could never be in a Justin Teeemberlake veedeeo.

Shuck and Jive hates it. Cati Jean told them they tried to hard. Nancy tells Chihuahua she was sloppy and disappointing. They tell Chihuahua she wasn’t focused because she has immunity and that makes her cry. Michael has to step it up. At the beginning he grabs your eye, but then fades. Hugger was too removed and absent for the judges. He also lifted his head before the music started which Cati hates. Vincent thanks her for bringing that up. It was so out of character. What if his character wanted to lift his head before the music started? Huh? What about that?

And then Nancy tells Mean Gay he manned up! WTF? Did we watch the same performance? And then he makes the gayest happy smile in response.

Manly!

And…Everyone loves Loser Talk! Vincent calls her a baby gazelle. He loves every moment of her performance and said that he would hire her in a second. Yay! She does have some hot gams. If she stops being such a sad sack, Loser Talk just might get to be upgraded to Baby Gazelle.

Everyone is shocked and upset when the judges ask each group member who they think should go home. Isn’t this typical reality fare? Am I the only one here that’s seen The Apprentice at least once? Or Rock of Love where everyone is happy to say who they think should go home? Hugger and Mean Gay say Michael was the weakest link. Chihuahua follows suit. Loser Talk says herself. Kidding. She says Michael because everyone else did and she wants to be accepted. Bisexual takes it like a man though and says he has thick skin.

In front of the group, the judges dig in. They don’t buy everyone throwing Michael under the bus. They just think he’s not connected to the group. Mean Gay is no one’s favorite. Hugger they’re not sure has what it takes to go all the way. Hugger is now the too feminine one. Everyone hates Chihuahua’s performance. Once they reach their decision Nomi tells Chihuahua that she would have been sent home if she hadn’t had immunity. And she is devastated. Loser Talk and Chihuahua get to leave the stage and Chihuahua is in tears. And now it’s the three guys from last week’s winning group at the bottom.

And…Michael is safe! That means our couple is going to be broken up! I honestly thought they would last longer than this. Both of them. And it’s Hugger who goes.

Don’t feel bad. At least your outfit is flattering.

And then Jerry calls Hugger for his last dance. He didn’t feel he got to show the judges what he can do and I kind of agree even though i didn’t like him. He at least has a future moving furniture around.

Is that where the ottomans are?

And OMFG, next week they take it to the streets! As if I couldn’t love this show any more. My favorite genre of movie hits the small screen!

Stay tuned.

Love, Lady S.