An urban dance tale is nothing without a moving back story.
Let’s give it up for all the troubled-urban-youth-with-exceptional-dance-skills genre of movie! Those movies get a glorious send up this week on Step It Up and Dance, courtesy of nine dancers with a mostly tenuous grip on the art of this dance. Who will step it up and who will merely step it badly? Join me as we explore this week’s rollicking adventure!
So first things first, I’d like to clear something up. After the reader comment that I was delusional in thinking that Italian might be into someone like me (i.e. I have lady parts), I checked out his bio on the Bravo website and perhaps I should have done that in the first place. Cosmetologist? Works in a salon? That pose? I stand corrected.
I was tryeeeng to tell youuu.
So we enter today’s episode with Mean Gay and Chihuahua saying that they are going to do this for Hugger. Like he died or something. It’s a reality show, people. Not a charity marathon. And then Mean Gay reminds us how everyone else sucks so Hugger should totally be there. Did you know they were also “sistas”? Yeah, me neither.
In the kitchen (I mean, why not?) Michael is ironing a t-shirt from the Fox Hills mall, and informs us that he can handle anything that comes his way. He may be the ironer, but he can take on “the sisters”. He’s got thick skin. And he only wants perfectly ironed shirts against it.
I’ll show them who’s the sista.
So now Italian seems very obviously gay to me. It’s become more and more clear in my mind, but it’s been hard to tell my heart that. I think I got thrown off the first episode when he humped Go-go on the bar. So sue me. Anyway, he’s all excited he won the challenge. He eees thee weeeener! One step closer to grand prize money for mama.
And guess who’s coming to breakfast? Nomi waltzes in with a basket full of muffins and coffee for everyone. She just wants to hang with the cool kids. Bi Michael cuts right to the chase and asks her how much she enjoys watching them. And then Nomi gets reals. She tells them that their performances make her want to cry. Because she understands what it takes! She understands the discipline and passion it takes. Then she tears up and gets quaky-voiced right in front of them, all cinema veritÃ©.
Buck up. Cristal Connors never cried.
Italian asks in his adorable accent what is going to be happening too-DAAY and Nomi says she can’t say but they should get ready for…the streets. And our group knows what that means! Chihuahua is particularly excited because this is her world and last challenge was obviously shitty for her. And now she can really lay some ugly man faces on us.
They get to their rehearsal space and Jerry Tim Gunn is there to introduce the guest choreographer of the week, Dave Scott. And he is the genius–GENIUS–behind such the Classic American Films as You Got Served and Stomp the Yard. When Michael says those words, I literally get chills. Those are two of the finest movies ever made and words do not express the excitement I feel for this week’s challenge. Jerry says that because his movies involve street battles, this week’s challenge will be a battle.
Let the mixed reactions begin! Straight Nick is from the suburbs, so he’s not confident. Michael is excited to see what he’s going to throw at them. But don’t worry, Straight Nick. Time for a demo! And just when I thought things could not get any better, Rob Hoffman, the HOTTIE from Step Up 2 The Streets, (saw it twice already, thank you very much.) is here to demonstrate a battle. Chihuahua informs us that she went out for the lead role in that film. Oh no she did not. That girl made no ugly man faces when she danced, so I’m thinking that might have had something to do with you not landing the role.
I don’t get why it wasn’t me?
And it’s Battle Time! So, confession: I dork out and turn up the TV really loud and it gets ear-busting when Mochi Ball and Tovah Doe talk over it because now their voices sound like a hundred decibels, but it still feels like I’m in my own personal living room club with Rob Hottie.
Would you like to have this dance, Lady S?
Dave and Rob go back and few forth a few times. Rob Hottie does his epilectic seizure moves, which I loved in the movie and still love here. Dave Scott is pretty amazing, too. Screw Omarion! Get this man in front of the cam! A couple highlights:
Dave does The Rainbow.
Rob Hottie is the pot of gold.
And…that is how you do a battle! says Jer, ever the master of the obvious. They are now going to learn some choreography and then freestyle for Dave. A lot of people are not into this. Loser Talk does NOT freestyle. Italian prefers to “jump” (like a faireee!) and doesn’t pop and/or lock. Dave Scott reminds the viewers at home that you cannot just get up off your couch at home and say you’re a hip-hop dancer. There is technique, skill. Not everyone can just turn off “Lost” and bust The Rainbow, people. And how great is the song they dance to? Go, Pitbull. But, down to business. There are going to be three favorites picked and they will serve as the three team captains. Ladies up first, followed by the boys.
Loser Talk and Tovah definitely seem to be a little behind and Mochi and Chihuahua the strongest. Mochi Ball is adorable in her freestyle. Chihuahua needs to stop with the man faces, because that’s the only thing I notice when she dances. Maybe her moves are great, but all I see is frowny dude. And Mean Gay is her friend, but he thinks she just dances like white girl at a club. Loser Talk busts a worm, which everyone thinks is pretty lame, but she is pretty lanky and awkward and it’s understandable that her body type does not lend itself to this.
And now the guys are up! I expected Mean Gay to bust some awesome funky jazz moves, but he sticks with five pirouettes, which don’t seem like tough ammo in a battle. Italian doesn’t seem to really be made for this challenge. His freestyle looks like straight ballet. Mochi even said his immunity this week is gonna save him, which is just what I was thinking. Cody does some breakdancing, which impresses. Cody is always damn impressive. Am I the only one that thinks this boy is a star? I would be happy to see him take it.
And now who are the fave three…Dave says Cody. Yeah! Chihuahua. Whatevs. Her new name is Frowny Dude Face. And then Mean Gay. His swagger got him that, I say.
Lil’ ol’ me?
Frowny Dude Face picks first and goes with Michael and Tovah Doe. Cody picks Mochi Ball and Loser Talk. Mean Gay picks Straight Nick and then gets stuck with Italian. Italian is so bummed he is is picked last, but is okay with it, because he also knows his immunity will save his ass. There’s no winning team or elimination team, they’ll just all be battling. And they will be battling…TONIGHT!
‘m rooting for the Cody group. Straight Nick is happy to be away from Star Cody though. He doesn’t want to stand in his shadow anymore. There’s only room for one straight dude around here (Wait. Is Cody gay? My gaydar is all thrown off.)
Mochi, report back to me.
Each crew will have thirty minutes to rehearse. Dave is going to be looking for how they use each individual talent within the crew. He wants them to really challenge themselves and the other teams with their freestyle moves. They also have to create two twenty second choreographed routines. Right after the rehearsal they will go to a “special place” for their performance. “Special place” means that production has spent extra money this week to make a place look “ghetto”.
Frowny Dude Face’s crew is up first for rehearsal and she is really into “clowning” the other teams and they decide to go after Mochi Ball with this little Asian Bow move. Jer thinks that’s just hysterical. He digs what they do and makes fun of Frowny for stealing one of his “Legally Blonde” moves, the “curtain pull”. Are they allowed to plagiarize like that? Jer’s fine with it. He LOVES the curtain pull!
And now we get the first segment of Team Naming. Team names are not the strong suit for these guys. Cody’s group is the color “Blue” and Loser Talk decides that intimidating street names start with shooting sunshine and rainbows out your ass. She suggests “Blue Babies” or “Bright Blue”. Luckily Cody and Mochi Ball cut her off and settle on “Breakin’ Blue”. Still weak, but at least doesn’t sound like the title of a children’s book.
Straight Nick and Italian are the Black team and they don’t seem to be having any easier a time. Italian says “Black Group Joe” would be good and Straight Nick suggests this might sound racist. Italian shrugs. Seeing as how English is not his first language, we’ll let it slide and ask him to not make any name suggestions.
How about Black Face Beeetches? Eees that offenseeeve?
In Cody’s rehearsal, we learn that his mom started a breakdance crew in their town in Canada. Aw, that’s adorable. (The first picture in this recap is from those days. Anyone know who Star Cody is in that picture?) They’re kicking it old school in honor of mamaski. She always encouraged Cody to take break dancing classes and it’s paying off. Mother knows best. Mochi says you have to have a “mad dog” look for street battles so people think you’re tough. Mad Dog Mochi. It might stick.
So, Black Team finally settled on “BT Slam”, which stands for, inexplicably, “Black T-shirt Slam”. Like when you slam your black t-shirts around. Mean Gay seems to like the moves Straight Nick and Italian come up with, which seems surprising, given what a little bitch he is. But they are quite the trio, Mean Gay describes them as an “Eccentric Mexican Gay Man”, an “Off-the-wall Italian Diva” (Alright, I get it!) and this “All-American Hick type of character”. He says it kind of works. And I have to say they are kind of hilarious together, in a good way.
The Macarena: The Original Dance of Intimidation
Back with the blue babies, Loser Talk is having a rough time in rehearsal. Cody and Mad Dog Mochi are hangin’, but it looks like Loser Talk is not graduating to Baby Gazelle this week. Jer says they gotta get on the same page. Don’t bring Cody down, LT! He’s a star!
Third Rehearsal is “BT Slam” and they’re going to try and exaggerate “their personalities” in their dance. So two diva/sista/bitches and a hick? Intimidating! Straight Nick understands that this type of dance is all about intimidation and they decide to do that by 1) acting like the gay dudes are four-legged creature and Nick has the reins, 2) acting like dogs peeing on hydrants. Intimidating!
Or a self-clown.
And now for the Red Team’s name choosing. Another retard-o brainstorming sesh. It starts off with Michael talking about Frowny Man being a “powerhouse”. These guys don’t even tackle incorporating the color and just go for “Everest”, because it’s, like, hard to climb. They’re the biggest mountain. The Apprentice candidates are looking like absolute geniuses in their name choosing. Stick to pirouettes.
The BT Slam rehearsal is going better than expected. Jer is just delighted with them! He says it’s nasty! Jer LOVES nasty. He says Mean Gay’s hat gives it a lot of flavor. I say that he just wants to keep that hair covered.
And now rehearsals are over and five minutes before they head to their special location! It’s the first challenge that’s all in one day and the group is feeling a little rushed and can’t believe someone is going to be going home so quickly. No one woke up this morning expecting for someone to go home. That’s the crazy world of reality. You can be taken out with the flick of your pointed foot.
And now they really go cinema veritÃ© and head off to their real life battle. The group walks down a dark alley, dressed and swaggering like tough dance crews and all that’s missing is a steaming man hole. They get inside and the walls have graffiti on them and a bunch of actors were hired and dressed up like You Got Served extras. It looks so silly, but our dancers are convinced all, OMG, it’s like a real battle! But Rob Hottie from SU2TS is there again, so I’m content.
I’ve been wanting to go to the Universal lot since we’ve been here.
Judges are Disney Nancy, Vincent Patterson, Choreography God Dave Scott and, of course, Rob Hottie. Nomi informs them that only one team can be the winner and that two teams will be up to have someone eliminated. Let’s judge them on team names. Go, BT SLAM!
Dave Scott jumps on the mic and says that two crews are gonna battle it out first and Frowny Man Face informs us she’s gonna prove herself as the ugliest mean man face thrower of all time. She’s nothing if not ambitious. First up Red Everest v. BT Slam. Red Everest does their choreography and then busts into some clownin’. Mean Gay gets clowned by Michael doing all this voguing. In my opinion BT slams brings it harder than anticipated (nasty!)and for the first time Mean Gay is manly. There’s even a chest butting between Straight Nick and Bi Michael. Clearly Dave Scott and Rob Hottie were pleasantly surprised as well.
You’ll be ready to dance with the big boys by the time I’m on Step It Up 25.
And Jer doesn’t get much love around here with all our wacky dancers, but I love the constant cutaways we get to his pleasant face always in the background, so let’s give it up for Jer. He really is pretty delightful.
This is a battle and behind me is a chalkboard! And those letters are nasty!
Back in the battle, Tovah and Italian go ballet for ballet. Ever since she pointed it out, I’ve noticed that that girl does have some bosoms. Don’t hate, girl. Frowny copies Italian’s turns, but is more impressive because she does it with ugly faces. Dave Scott clearly finds her more intimidating.
Cujo AND Mean Dude Face: Intimidating!
Rob Hottie says the crowd should decide the winner and the crowd clearly thought Red Everest took it. And so BT Slam takes on Breakin’ Blue. Mad Dog Mochi is nervous because they looked like they’ve been battling their whole lives. And thank God for Cody. He’s awesome. He even gets Dave Scott to start jumping up and down, like an excited little jumping bean. Mochi flings her pants off and I think she should win the whole competition at that point. Then she sits on him, puts her jacket over Cody’s knees and sits on top of him pretending his legs are hers. If that’s not original and/or intimidating, I don’t know what is. Italian dismisses it though. That’s no dog on a leash!
Crotch for crotch. It’s a team thing.
And then Breakin’ Blue retreats and out comes BT Slam. Mochi simmers with her Mad Face. It’s pretty bitchin’. Mean Gay says he freaked out when he saw Mochi’s Mad Dog face and thought to himself, “What are we doing here?” I never thought about it till he put it that way. Suddenly it all seems a bit ridiculous. Thanks a lot for ruining it, Mean Gay.
No. What are you doing here, esse?
More freestylin’. Straight Nick flips the bird and immediately regrets it. What’s a little finger after chest-butting? It doesn’t seem like that much of a stretch. Poor Loser Talk gets booed in her freestyle. She does the worm again and it’s not like everyone can do the worm. What’s up with all the haters? Mad Dog Mochi gets booed, too, but she doesn’t really do much of anything. But how can she follow up the tearing off of the pants? She set the bar too high. Cody saves their team with some hot moves. And what are Vincent Patterson’s credentials again? Cause he was bustin’ some wack shizz on the sidelines.
I haven’t had this much fun since that gay cruise back in 2005!
And Cody really must have won over the crowd because BT Slam loses again. I thought they were better than that. So final battle between Breakin’ Blue and Red Everset. Mochi gets up on Cody’s shoulders this time, but they still can’t compete with the nuanced collection of ugly looks from Frowny Dude Face. And I do have to give it up to her for knowing how to work the crowd into a lather. She’s all chest thrusts and no-handed cartwheels. They eat it up. When Loser Talk tries to respond, it’s so weak even Frowny Face even gives her a withering glance.
Is that from the “Streets” of Santa Barbara?
Cody again rocks the freestyle. I love how Dave Scott hops up and down for him. That’s how I feel. Star Cody is officially my new crush, unless someone informs me that he’s also a diva/sista/bitch. In which case you will be banished from any future recaps. Michael responds like he’s unzipping his fly and whizzing on them. Classy. Cutaway to Vincent Patterson again who still can’t dance worth shite.
And Red Everest clearly took it for the crowd. Ah well. Another week of Frowny Dude Face it is. And now straight to the elimination. It’s Mochi Ball’s first time in the elimination, so she is nervous. So now they go back to the main stage and Dave Scott is really proud of our winning group. Everyone thought Tovah Doe did great, especially after she said that hip-hop wasn’t her thing. Especially because she has a hot rack! Everyone thinks Bi Michael finally found his voice this week. His body “sang”. Dare I say Bi Michael is now a contender in this game? It’d be nice after all the hate he’s gotten from Mean Gay.
And now everyone wants consistency from Frowny Dude. One week up, one week down is not gonna work. Dave Scott is especially impressed with Frowny. He said that she was actually battling and that she made him want to jump out there and battle, too. So now winner debates: Rob Hottie thinks that Man Face should win because she worked the extras from the BLOC agency the best, but Disney Nancy thinks that Michael was the more spontaneous dancer. They should give it to Michael because Man Face shouldn’t be saved if she has another off week, in my opinion. Dave said Michael gave him more hip-hop, but Man Face stepped up as a crew leader. And Dave announces the winner…he chose Frowny Dude Face.
Moving on. Eliminatees. Loser Talk comes out and waves at the judges like she’s meeting them for high tea, not for them to bust her chops. And out the gate, Dave Scott says that he was still blown away by everyone. They all busted out some shit and didn’t bring “no bull” to the table. Cody gets some special kudos, because he really did knock it out the park. Go, Star Cody! I think he should be the one with immunity personally this week. Disney Nancy thanks Mean Gay again for butching it up and he throws his arm up in another gay thank you.
Everyone thought Straight Nick never pulled the trigger on his moves. Yeah, so don’t blame Star Cody. Rob Hottie calls them “about to” moves. Disney Nancy wants to be shot! Pull that trigger! Rob Hottie says he has to relax and would have been better if he had. Everyone wanted Italian to step out of his box more. He stuck to his technical ballet tricks and didn’t try to be funny. Rob Hottie is looking for people that let the music take them over. Mochi Ball never let loose either. What about the pants, Disney Nancy, how much more could she let loose? Loser Talk gets complimented on her commitment, she just didn’t have the skills to back it up. But at least she went for it and was brave. It was “weird and awkward” but she let herself go.
Now they talk amongst themselves, Mochi, Straight Nick and Loser Talk are the bottom three. If Italian hadn’t had immunity, I think he would be there, too. And now the judges are hating on Loser Talk, because they don’t think she was even good tecnically. No one even remember Nick’s performance except for him giving the finger. Oscar, Mean Gay and Cody are dismissed, Nomi reminding Italian that if he hadn’t had immunity he would have been in “real trouble”. There seems to be a curse of immunity. Then Mochi is safe, obvies, since she is perfection, and it’s down to Loser Talk and Straight Nick. The decision is based on this challenge alone. Nick was unmemorable and Loser Talk wasn’t up to par.
And…the show is over for Loser Talk. If only she’d Secret-ed her way to success. Mean Gay makes a dig about not having to worry about being onstage alone now. But Bi Michael is really sweet to her when she comes off stage and tells her that she’s going to be an amazing dancer. She sure does have the limbs for some beautiful extensions. If only she’d lived on to become Baby Gazelle.
If I were a baby gazelle, I’d just get eaten by lions anyway.
So will anyone miss her? Do you think the right person went home?
Next week they get pushed even further outside their comfort zone…they have to tap! And, ladies and gents, that’s Lady S’s specialitÃ©. I didn’t think the show could go anywhere after taking it to the streets, but they have given me something to live for. Step It Up and Dance 4 EVS!