When you’re with a ‘sweep, you’re in glad company!
This week on Step It Up and Dance a British chimney sweep descends upon our dancers with the mission to prove once and for all that blue collar workers have impeccable rhythm and no need for expensive percussive instruments. No, it’s not Dick Van Dyke and his gang of fey chimney sweepers, but he’s equally impish, merry and quite the rascal! Let’s meet the broom-spinning founder of Stomp and see what tricks he has up his sleeve for our ragtag troupe!
It’s morning at the apartment before today’s escapade and BFFs and new sistas Mean Gay and Frowny Dude Face are loving on each other. Mean Gay congratulates her for winning immunity and shares with her that he was praying while exfoliating in the shower this morning that he might win immunity this week. It all starts with clear skin, Mean Gay! God answers the prayers of the blemish-free. He also breaks the news that getting immunity is the best thing you can win each week. Then he drops a “get outta jail free” card metaphor. He’s not just a pretty face, people. He’s also GD annoying.
God would like to go on record saying he is not responsible for this look.
Italian is hoping that this week’s challenge has nothing to do with hip-hop or breakdancing. He wants to flyyiiiieeee and prance and go up not down. Tovah Doe and Nick agree that they both hope that it’s something more technical this week. Nick informs us that the only “clue” they got this week was to show up to the theater, which I don’t think technically counts as a “clue”, since that’s were they always show up.
So they show up at the theater and we get to see some behind the scenes action! Nomi and Jer are getting their hair and makeup done and the stage is being cleaned and PAs scurry around. And then as Nomi and Jer clear out, the man on stage starts “sweeping to the rhythm”, according to Star Cody, who doesn’t realize that there is no rhythm to sweep to…HE’S CREATING HIS OWN! Our dancers just assume this poor schmuck just has aspirations to be a performer, which is charming because in about five minutes he’s gonna start kicking their asses. Hard.
When ten other people bum rush the stage, the jig is up and our dancers realize that this is FREAKING STOMP! Mad Dog Mochi Ball shouts out, “YESSSS!” because now she can back up her mad dog face with a broom. The chimney sweep ensemble breaks into some mad tap dancing and our dancers are impressed, erupting into a standing ovation at the end of it. This group is “Stomp Out Loud” which is currently in Vegas for those of you that want to bum rush their stage.
And now we meet Luke Cresswell who created Stomp, who is as pasty and British as the day is long. Now my ignorant ass thought, like, Savion Glover and black people started the whole Stomp phenomenon, but apparently it was brought to world by a British chap, who spent his youth inspired by the whimsical man dancing in Mary Poppins. Me, too, Luke. Me too.
In the old days STOMP was just for white men in black face.
Now STOMP is open to black people AND lesbians.
In this touching moment, Luke is caught glancing heavenward for the the woman who is “practically perfect in every way”.
Any moment I just know she’s going to come down with her carpet bag and umbrella.
So Nomi jumps up on stage and tells our dancers that their gonna get their asses kicked (see above visual for what their asses will look like handed to them on a platter). Nick says there’s no way they can learn how to do this. Tovah Doe for one is crying on the inside. They haven’t done one thing yet where they get to demonstrate toe-pointing ability! Tovah Doe is screwed without a toe point. Also, did they film this on St. Patrick’s Day. Anyone else notice that almost everyone among the dance troupe is wearing some degree of green? So, Luke Cresswell is probably just British, but because this appears to be St. Patty’s Day, Luke is now Irish.
So Irish Luke reminds them that they have to create their own music, which will be a lot harder than they think. They’ll have to create the rhythm, stay with the rhythm and then dance to the rhythm. Whoa, whoa, Irish man. Let’s see if these guys can drop a beat before you get so ambitious. Something tells me Italian was not inspired by the moves of Burt the chimney sweep.
And then in busts Captain Obvious Jer with a “This week is all about rhythm!” And goes on and on about how you can’t SURVIVE without rhythm. It’s your HEARTBEAT. Who here has a heartbeat and who doesn’t? And Mean Gay is all over it. If you don’t have rhythm, you’re not a dancer, he sneers.
So our dancers get a two hour workshop and then they will be divided into a winning and elimination group. Once that happens they’ll learn their choreography and get ready to perform for the “Callback”. Let the mad hijinks ensue! And now we meet the instructor of the choreography, badass Asian dominatrix, who I will call Helga. This bitch is raw. She starts yelling out the left right left right clap right right clap left and our group is all, huh? Frowny Dude Face doesn’t get it for one. And Irish Luke is chuckling in the corner. This whole episode an elaborate prank for Luke’s amusement.
I will kick your ass back to my hometown in Korea if you start on your left foot again.
Italian has never tapped in his life and he is having major problems with this new kind of shucking and jiving. It’s all low to the ground and you know what? Italian was trained to go UP, which is the opposite direction. Irish Luke comes over and mocks him personally.
Faireeees just want to flyyyeeeee!
Then he visits Tovah Doe and mocks her, too. Then he notices that some of the group is getting it, so he has to remind them that they still have the potential to suck hard, too. Since Stomp is percussive and we hear everything, they’re only going to be as good as the weakest person. So don’t go pinning a rose on your nose, Mean Gay. If you can’t get keep everyone together, you’re no better than a janitor tapping his feet to a swiffer. Then Irish Luke drops the final bomb, which is that they have to do a four bar freestyle. Bi Michael is all a-twitter, because he LOVES this, but Italian is crying sad, Euro tears because this is already hard enough without putting him center stage with his struggles.
Helga yells at them to do ALL OF IT! And then starts screaming out her ONE TWO THREE like their her little bitches. I think we’re all Helga’s bitches. And then left the freestyle begin! Star Cody does aight, Frowny Dude can’t keep a beat. Straight Nick almost got it, but loses points for actually being a tap dancer and not really getting it. Mean Gay gets called out to keep going because he’s on a streak. Mochi Ball can hang, Italian lucks like he actually is trying to do an Irish jig. Bi Michael does okay, but Mean Gay digs into him about how he’s just there based on luck. Tovah Doe closes the show poorly, since she ain’t got no rhythm.
So the breakdown:
Winning group: Mean Gay, Star Cody, Mochi Ball
Elimination: Tovah Doe, Italian, Frowny Dude Face,
Mean Gay tour jetÃ©s over to his side of the stages and bores us for five minutes straight about how MADE for Stomp he is. He’s urban, mexican, rhythmical and has Stomp Hair.
Luke Cresswell totally looks like a gay, Mexican queen. Don’t you think?
And then it’s time for a STOMP OFF. Bi Mike and Straight Nick are too similar, so Irish Luke continues his mockery of this group by putting them on the spot further. Straight Nick almost gets it but doesn’t pull it off. Bi Mike held the beat so he’s trots off to Mean Gay’s group. And Mean Gay bitches.
So now it’s time to have their rehearsals and learn what their prop is. WInning group gets the trash can lid. Let the smashing begin! Mochi Ball gets called out when she starts dancing during the demonstration, most likely not even realizing she’s mimicking Helga, but Irish Luke is here to bust some balls and nothing gets past this one. She falls in line. Bi Mike fumbles the rhythm for two seconds and Irish Luke and Mean Gay are all over him. Mean Gay having no purpose in life without Bi Mike hateration.
And then we get this really embarrassing scene where he gushes to a cast member about how much he loves Stomping and says it’s the most fun thing he’s done and then asks pointless questions about the guy’s ethnicity. When he says his dad is Creole, Bi Mike asks if he means “Louisiana Creole” not wanting to confuse it with Michigan Creole or Japanese Creole. Suddenly there seems this air of desperation around Bi Mike, this longing to belong that’s a little pathetic and suddenly Mean Gay makes a little more sense when he goes on about how Bi Mike is always trying to be a part of everything and always has to tell a story. Fine, but don’t tell him to shut up if you’re not going to follow suit.
Did I ever tell you about the time I was Lousiana Creole? You want to be friends?
Frowny Dude Facy informs us she doesn’t think Star Cody did all that well this week and Tovah Doe hates that the judges continue to only see her as a pretty face with good titties. The winning group is coming together though, with the exception of Mochi Ball who weighs fifty pounds soaking wet and she’s trying to fling around trash can lids weighing half that.
Next up is the elimination group rehearsal and their prop is the broom. First they have to learn how to make it feel like an extension of them and never one to miss a chance at humor, Irish Luke decides to make Italian hold the beat. Oh, he wants you all to fail. Those tricky Irish. Irish Luke is probably drinking Guinness and doing Irish Car Bombs off camera and LHAO at their amateur-ish attempts to dance with inanimate objects.
Italian is the pulse. Don’t lose it, Irish Luke warns. Then Frowny Dude Face thinks she’s the one, but she’s the three and Irish Luke is busting her chops in two seconds flat and she gets all uppity informing us she vacuums. Brooms are so Mary Poppins. Italian is trying his darndest to keep it together. He even leads into his top beat by yelling out “OSCAR ONE!” and it’s really cute. Even Irish Luke chuckles amiably and then tells him he needs to drop it. Fine. Our Italian is here to battle and he’ll do whatever it takes. He knows he can take Tovah Doe. She has beautiful doe eyes and an even better rack, but he’ll prevail.
You missed a spot. Five minutes in Helga’s dungeon after fifteen bars of freestyle.
The choreography involves some broom tossing and miraculously there is no cross-broom interference. But when the group comes out does their freestyle, it’s no laughing matter for Irish Luke. All they did was come out, hold the broom and do some dancing. They have personally insulted the second creator of chimney sweep dancing and this is a truly grievous offense. You look shitty, he says. And he says that they’re exposed as people that don’t want to do it. Ho, snap! Watch the Irish temper.
At the end of rehearsal, Jer comes along for some positive reinforcement. He says that he’s never seen them focus so hard in any challenge. This focus has inspired him so much he can’t even make sense. This is a direct quote of what he says next. “It’s opening your eyes to how much dance can encompass the world that’s ahead of you.” Say what?
Dance encompasses the world and there is something that is ahead of you in this world that will encompass dance.
The weary dancers stumble home and the elimination group knows they have more practicing to do, but unfortunately those apartments don’t come with real-life blue collar tools of the trade, so their stuck with a swiffer, two non-blue collar brooms and a vacuum. The winning group is rightfully amused.
Helga would never let you take that shirt off. Consider yourself warned.
The next day it’s callback performance day and Tovah Doe and Straight Nick are doing some last minute attempts to understand what the hell they’re doing and Mean Gay is blowing Frowny Dude Face’s mind by the meaning behind his shoe art. He’s writing “$100.000″ on his Timbalands and FDF catches him mid-draw and genius thinks he’s writing $10 on there. When he clarifies that he’s writing the amount of money they win at the end of this competition, she’s all “Oooooooooh, that’s a good one.”
So, how much did your shoes cost? I don’t get it.
Straight Nick says to leave their pride at home, and with that they’re out. Tovah Doe is rocking some awesome Flashdance hair and Frowny Dude is still busting out some awesome ideas. She says they need to make “eye connect”. The judges will want to see that she assures them.
Jer comes in to rally the crowd. He tells them to go full out! That’s what this challenge is about. And now performance time! Disney Nancy and Vincent Patterson are in effect. Irish Luke is there ready to yuk it up.
Our winning group takes the stage and Helga starts the action and our group goes buck wild. They bring out the whole cast of Stomp Out Loud which makes a big difference. Suddenly it seems like an actual performance. But is Irish Luke genuinely pleased or mockingly pleased? I can’t read this face:
Kiss my blarney stone, bitches.
And just like Jer asked, our group goes buck wild. Mochi Ball is bringing the mad dog face. Our boys are jumping and leaping and smacking those lids. I buy it.
At the end they are so amped up Bi Mike lets out this rebel yell and gives a ten minute speech about having a nautural high, he had no idea his body could do this and points to his tattoo saying that the “lion came out”. Mean Gay is totally entitled to his condescending laugh this round.
I just wanted a permanent reminder that I’m an ass hat.
Luke plays it coy and says they worked hard and that it’s all about keeping the beats. Where is Cati Jean telling us she got shivers? These people just busted their asses for you. Show some love. Vincent and Nomi were blown away, but that’s where Irish Luke comes in and does some more reality-checking. Bi Mike forgot some stuff and came in too early. Star Cody was too controlled.
Mean Gay says he’s ready to come to Irish Luke’s next audition and that gets Irish Luke to laugh out loud. He did like Mean Gay though, he just thinks he needs to lose the dancy prancy part of things to make it more natural. Mean Gay is in to win it, though and he’ll it whatever it takes! He even points to his visual for a reference, showing he is no better than Bi Mike afterall.
Mochi Ball’s critique is up next and much like me, I think Irish Luke genuinely likes our Mochi Ball. She held the beat really well AND wielded a mean lid.
And suddenly the judges tell them to take five. Wha? Why are they suddenly asked to leave the stage? I don’t know where this new development came from and I can’t say that I like it. So now that they have their precious privacy they talk about the winners. The two top performers this week were Mean Gay and Bi Mike. Mean Gay was himself and still held a great beat and Bi Mike was very creative with his performance and less controlled. So they had to leave for you guys to say that? They get the group back out and Irish Luke announces that Mean Gay is the winner. He of course busts a manly little jump in excitement.
And now losers on deck! Nomi has to remind them that this is the last performance for one of them. So which one of you is going to step it up and dance, bitches? And which one of you is gonna get the sh*t beat outta you by Helga after your Last Dance? Our group breaks into formation and Italian hits the one. Everyone comes out and chaos ensues. Irish Luke’s claws say it all.
When Irish eyes are not smiling.
Then Italian breaks a broom. But that’s just part of Italian passion. It’s to be expected. Once they have a pause and start again they keep it together and get into it. Of course Frowny Dude is eye contacting all over the place. Straight Nick pretends he’s just happy as a clam about this plight.
I like it when Helga tells me what to do.
Irish Luke seems way more mirthful during this performance which means he really prefers when people make fools of themselves. When it ends everyone bursts into applause. But those accolades are shortlived. Time to bust some balls. Irish Luke says that he felt like during rehearsal Tovah Doe appeared to not want to be there at all. Vincent doesn’t see the passion either and of course Doe Eyes cries. And then Vincent says that she’s so gorgeous, maybe she should switch reality genres and take her act to America’s Next Top Model! Ha! Even Mochi Ball knows that’s a bad sign. We cutaway to her and she is cuddled on Bi Mike in full cringe face. No one sees the passion with her and if there is one thing you need in a reality competition it’s PASSION.
What’s he talking about? Her titties are too big to be a model.
Straight Nick is up and Irish Luke says that he’s stronger than he thinks he is. Same with Frowny Dude Face. Irish Luke says that if her “patterns” had been better she could have been in the other group. Then they bring up her inconsistency from one week to the next, which is what I’m sayin’. Italian feels like he had a ball coming straight at him with this challenge and everyone loves how comical our Italian fairy eees. When the fact that he broke two brooms comes up, Irish Luke says that just shows how hard he was trying. And that’s a good theeeeng! Yaaaay!
So now they have to talk amongst themselves and inexplicably our group doesn’t get sent off stage. Where’s your consistency, judges?? They didn’t think that Straight Nick was the weakest. Frowny Dude was just okay, but that’s not going to cut it in this competish. Italian messes up but you can see his desire and passion for dance. Tovah Doe doesn’t have passion, but to Irish Luke it’s the same thing if they’re both weak. Frowny Dude and Straight Nick are safe and it’s down to Tovah Doe and Italian.
And passion wins. Tovah Doe and her lovely rack are off to the a competition where prettier people are involved and no heartbeats are required. Both Tovah Doe and Italian start crying and embracing. No one believed that Tovah Doe and her awesome 80′s hair needed to dance to live, so time for your last dance, girl.
I really do just want to look in the mirror. I will do this approximately five times in my last dance.
So did everyone agree it was time for pretty Doe Eyes to pack it up? Tyra does love tears, so she’s already ahead of the game in that respect. By the way, I really liked Luke Cresswell, no matter where he actually hails from in the United Kingdom. Anywhere but Ireland I’m assuming. Just call me FOX News.
Anyway, next week we have Jason Alexander and baseball uniforms! WTF? Also it looks like some brawls are about to break out and it’s about time.
Thanks for reading!
xoxo, Lady S.