Step It Up and Dance: Mr. Mistoffelees Steps Up to the Plate

Breaking News: Broadway still flamingly gay

Reality gets turned on its head this week. Straight Men give better musical theatre action than the gay boys and Mean Gay isn’t even the most annoying one in the house. What is happening on Step It Up and Dance? Nomi is either doing some voodoo with those eyes or those straight boys aren’t as butch that they claim to be…Let’s find out on Step It Up and Dance!

Good morning from the dancer lofts! A buddha has joined the competition this week, and he can feel free to jump in at any time, what with starting a world religion at all. Buddha can totally bust some awesome jazz hands.

To further understand human suffering, I decided to live with Mean Gay.

Straight Nick is totally missing Tovah Doe because now the feminine touch is so gone. Straight guys always need a woman to clean up after them! Did you know Straight Nick is straight? So straight in fact that he was also in a fraternity? Nothing says heterosexuality like going native with fifty dudes. He even taunts Italian with his heterosexuality, asking him if he’s nervous to live with him and Star Cody.

Their Pride Parade float easily took first that year.

Interrupting this special montage is Mean Gay, who blabbers on about being excited to have immunity. Now he’s actually been given a reason to gloat and feel superior to everyone else. Those magical $100,000 Timbalands!

Jer is meeting them at the theatre and announces that since there are only seven dancers left now the challenges are going to get tougher! How tough you ask? Well, let’s just open the door and find out! And behind the closed door, seated at some fake bar on a swivel stool, turning around in slow motion is Jason Alexander from Seinfeld. How that directly translates to things getting “tougher” doesn’t make much sense, but everyone loses themselves in applause and glee so I guess it doesn’t matter much that Jason Alexander seems about as tough as a roll of toilet paper.

You can see me, but I can’t see you!

Now I’ll be honest. I have never seen one episode, not even one full minute of Seinfeld. So I can make no George Costanza jokes or be thrilled and nostalgic to find his chubby mug on my screen. I think I’ve seen maybe thirty seconds and thought the characters too wacky and antic-y and over-the-top for my humor, but maybe I caught the wrong thirty seconds, because I am a big fan of Larry David and Curb. But in all my ignorance of Seinfeld, I am not this dumb:

Guess who wants the prize this week to be an appearance on Seinfeld?

New show title suggestion: Shut Up and Only Dance.

I watch that clip about seven times, enjoying it more each time. The lead-in with “I’ve always wanted to be on an episode of Seinfeld”. Followed by an ignorance of the show’s end that could only mean she really couldn’t give a rat’s ass if she were ever on Seinfeld. Busted! Unless Frowny Dude is way confused by the notion of syndication on TBS. That’s highly probable.

Jer now informs us that he and Jason have worked together on Broadway and brags on both of them. When Jer mentions Jason’s Tony award win, Jason’s chest puffs with pride and the minions clap. This week’s challenge is musical theatre. Star Cody is stoked. He performed in Grease on Broadway. Another chubby is in town for the week, Lee Martino, and she’ll be teaching them choreography from Damn Yankees and they’ll be doing a dance number called “Shoeless Joe from Hannibal, MO”. A dance in baseball uniforms called “Shoeless Joes”? Could musical theatre be any gayer? No wonder the gay boys lose their minds.

Keep your hands on your thighs. Don’t lift ‘em up. Don’t even smile.

Here are some fun facts about Shoeless Joe!

*It was originally conceived as a hoe-down!

*But at Reprise! (of which Mr. Alexander is artistic director) it was re-conceived as an “80′s funk number”!

*It must be taught so fast that dancers drop dead.

So now we find out that this is Italian’s challenge. Why you ask? Because he was The Magical Mr. Mistoffelees in Cats. Could there be a more iconic character ever to grace the Broadway stage?

That’s right, bitches. I am Broadway.

So the gang has to learn twenty-five eight counts in an hour, which boggles the mind. I don’t think my brain could even process that many dance steps in an hour, much less remember them and make my body perform them in a manner that would not be completely laughable. And our dancers are struggling. Even Mad Dog Mochi is breathless and losing the bitch face.

First one to pass out gets a group beating with the baseball bats.

But guess who’s not? Jerry Hitler Marshall. When did he become such a bitch? Mad Dog Mochi says she wants to vom, Bi Mike is seeing stars, but when Italian says they need to take fifteen, Jer steps up and lets them have it. Maybe cause it’s his area of expertise, but when the dancers collapse and beg for mercy, Jer taunts them with a “Are you tired?” When the dancers whimper yes, he launches into a tirade about how it shows, and that they are all destined to dance back row, third from the left (not to get specific or anything), because he IS a Broadway Director and Choreographer and people that pay $120 clams for a seat don’t care if they hyperventilate and die on stage. In fact it would be more entertaining for them if they did.

Heil Broadway Nazi.

Well, Frowny Dude Face takes that to rousing speech to heart and easily slides into winning group. Mean Gay messes up several times and it’s pretty spectacular to watch. Obviously loser group.

When in doubt just limp wrist it.

Bi Mike is out of his league (pun!) here, not only missing the mark on the dance technique, but also in verbiage. The style of dance is not called “Musical Broadway”. Poor Bi Mike. No wonder he could never find a class with this style of dance growing up. I wouldn’t let Jer hear. I get the impression he takes Musical Broadway very seriously.

So the breakdown:

Winners: Frowny Dude, Straight Nick and, of course, the perfection that is Mochi Ball and Star Cody

Loser: Mean Gay, Bi Mike, and WTF MAGICAL MR. MISTOFFELEES???

And MMM is not pleased. He is shocked, hurt, confused. Straight Nick though says he loves the “taste of winning”. Or victory. Whatever you feel like tasting. Jer informs them they are now going to have two hours to learn their callback numbers.

Italian storms off because he can’t believe that Lee Martino would dare to put Mr. Mistoffelees in the loser group. Agreed. The accent alone should keep him in the winning group till at least final four. He bitches to Jer and Jer says that he didn’t suck, but defends Broadway crony Lee Martino saying that she picked her two groups. In the background, Frowny Dude and Mean Gay cuddle on the couch and it’s really distracting. Italian says that if he’s in another elimination the judges will “eat him up”. That’s cause you’re just a doll. I just eat you up every time you’re on my screen.

So in the winners’ rehearsal we learn that they’ll be dancing in pairs. Straight Nick and Frowny Dude together, Mochi Ball and Cody together. Clearly putting the stronger two and weaker two together in my opinion. The number is about a seduction and Mochi Ball is not only an actual Broadway dancer, but is actually smokin’ hot. Frowny Dude is not a big girl by any means, but looks like a hulking beast compared to little Mochi Ball.

Don’t even think of putting your thunder thigh on my bench, bitch.

In the holding room Italian devolves into a complete mama’s boy and calls her for a pick me up. He says that he feels better just hearing her voice. Awww. In the losers’ group, Italian and Mean Gay are developing a close bond, giggling and whispering causing Bi Mike to feel very left out. It seems like you can’t play for both teams with this group (Ha! another baseball pun for Bi Mike!). He’s not in with the divas and the sistas and he’s not in with Straight Nick and Star Cody. And here you would think being Bi would make you popular with everyone. Maybe that’s just girls.

Speaking of Star Cody, it’s seems to be popular to hate on him when you’re in the bottom group. Last week we had Tovah Doe and Frowny Dude hating and now Mean Gay and Italian are doling out some hateraion. They both agree that teacher’s pet will totally win tomorrow and that he could “pick his nose” onstage and the judges would think it was brill. It would be.

Winners are working on lifts and Mochi nails it right away and Frowny Dude is struggling. She’s never done this before and acknowledges how much she feels like a lumbering behemoth trying to fly into Straght Nick’s arms. She doesn’t have the Mochi Ball grace, but she gets up there.

Eat it, heifer.

She’s whispering mean things to me.

Losers up! It’s all about lost souls realizing they’re in the first level of hell. Really, Lee? Life imitating art imitating art! Mean Gay thinks that the choice for elimination this week is obvious. Bi Mike has no technique and is struggling with the choreography. Italian is Mr. Mistoffelees. But let’s remember our friend Loser Talk and the principle of The Secret. Bi Mike is busting his ass, while Italian feels defeated and angry and has an attitude about the whole endeavor. Italian acts like he’s already lost, while Bi Mike knows he’s not as accomplished and is on fire doing whatever it takes. I have a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach. Rally, MMM!

Lee Martino says that Italian has technique, but Bi Mike has a “musicality”. Bi Mike calls his style “mascalin”, which is the first time I’ve ever heard “masculine” pronounced that way. It almost sounds like he’s talking about the drug mescaline.

Dancing on drugs feels so awesome.

After rehearsal, Jer is still being dance bitch ordering them to drink lots of fluids. The B group finished early because they weren’t feeling well. And our dancers do seem a bit dehydrated and cranky. After Jer walks out a fight erupts between Bi Mike and the rest of the group. Bi Mike mentions that he feels like shit and his blood sugar is low and he doesn’t think he can go on. Suddenly the group decides this is the time to tell him that he doesn’t really want to be there if he feels like he’s dying so he should just go! Clearly he doesn’t want it.

Bi Mike starts yelling about respecting him and his blood pressure and blood sugar. Mean Gay and Frowny Dude tell him to stop playing the victim and to stop wasting energy by screaming. This allows him to give the best out of an argument ever. One on which I plan on using whenever I am tired of people calling me out on my bullshit. “It was my conversation to myself speaking out loud.”

I’m still gonna keep talking though.

I don’t theeenk that would haf made sense in my language eeeether.

Next morning, Straight Nick and Star Cody giggle like stoners about the smell of elimination in the morning, while Italian double fists his orange juice and coffee and frets. No one thinks Italian has a chance of losing except him and he really needs to snap out of it. Bi Mike says that being a professional dancer forced him to live in his car for a while. Dude, you can’t blame professional dance for that.

When they rehearse in the lounge before final performance, Bi Mike says that Mean Gay and Italian have an alliance and are rooting for him to go. Italian says that “she’s” a diva. He catches himself on his ESL pronoun confusion and then says that it’s actually right.

Mochi Ball is looking like the hottest piece ever. Star Cody and Mochi Ball are happy to be partners since they know they’re both hot shit. But Straight Nick think that he has a certain “edge” that will really blow the judges away. If by “edge” you mean “so totally hetero you can’t shut up about it”.

Everyone is ready for the stage and Jer comes in to bring them up. And just to make him seem nice, we get a VO of Jer which was clearly put in in post saying, “In the real world you would have had a week to learn this. I am so proud of you.” Too little, too late. The damage to their psyches is done.

Here’s a funny face! Laugh, dancers, LAUGH!

Introduction of the judges, Vincent P. and Dinsey Nancy. This week we have our guest judge choreographer Lee Martino. Jason Alexander is sitting in, not to judge, he just gets to hang because he used to be on Seinfeld. He’s there to send them love and good wishes. So tough!

Up first is Straight Nick and Frowny Dude. She executes it well, but her body type just does not lend itself to sensual seduction. In the real world ,she would never be cast for this part. The whole scenario just isn’t believable. She can’t help but be athletic and spunky where it should be languid and graceful. She kind of looks like a cheerleader throughout the whole thing.

Go, team!

Mochi Ball and Cody were designed for this challenge and they seem to have been partnered just to give the judges something really delicious to watch. Frowny Dude actually got into her lift better this time around, but Mochi Ball punches it with a chest lift that makes it seem stunning. Nice save, Mad Dog. Overall, they’re fantastic. Maybe they’ll hook up and give us a nice subplot.

Eat it, bitch.

And Jason, ever the comedian! He congratulates the girls for staying in the clothes. He’ll be here all week, folks.

I’m not saying who, but somebody liked that joke.

Everyone loves Mochi Ball’s scintillating performance and Mochi Ball describes this kind of movement as “yummy” for her. Yummy for everybody, girl. Frowny Dude is called out for not having the technique Mochi Ball has, but complimented on her lifts. Jason said Frowny Dude didn’t seem like she enjoyed it. She didn’t have enough of a character in her performance which was part of the dance. What cheerleader in a high school musical wasn’t character enough?

And then Star Cody is making our comedian gay. Jason Alexander couldn’t take his eyes off of him! Vincent says that he’s always called Star Cody the Lone Ranger because he always feels like he has a mask on, but today he took it off. Um, when has Vincent Patterson ever called Cody the Lone Ranger? Nick gets kudos too for being straight, but he needs to open up and let go a bit more. Same note he gets every week, but the judges need to understand Straight Dudes don’t prance in bedazzled unitards. Holding back while dancing is so hetero!

This week winners get to stay front and center again during the judging. Mochi and Cody are the clear winners. Disney Nancy and Vincent are torn between Mochi and Cody. Nancy even points out that if Frowny Dude had been with Cody he would have made her look a bit better. Whoa, DN. You are really thinking outside the box. I never thought of it that way, but she’s right! But who can get past Mochi Ball’s sexiness, especially when the role is meant for a taller woman. But Star wins. Just as the losers predicted. Star Cody pretends to be confused, but please. He’s a STAH!

Whatevs, bitches. I’m still perfect.

It’s time for the losers to step it up! Really now, how did the three gay boys end up in the elimination group on the musical theatre challenge. Italian is still reminding us that he’s pissed because this is his forte. And really, Italian? Because this is possibly the worst performed dance yet. Rehearsals are better. No one is together and the judges are mumbling some WTFs. Lee Martino insists the rehearsals were better. She tells them that they were overdancing and rushing. Letting their pissed off-ness at being in the elimination group get the best of them.

Eeef only I haaad theee maagical sparkle costuuume!!!

When Italian said he did his best, the judges say that maybe they don’t need to let them do it again in that case. Bi Mike raises his hand like he’s in the first grade and so he can play the victim card. Bi Mike says he would LOVE to do it again, but he can’t do any better when he’s the outcast! They won’t connect with him! Boo effing hoo. It’s kind of embarrassing when Nomi finally interrupts the bitchfest and goes, Y’all discuss us it and get back to us if you want to do it again. Nomi Malone would never let the world get the best of her!

So how much more bitching can you have after getting humiliated in front of the judges? Apparently a lot more because the three of them go offstage and have bigger meltdowns than the three month old I nanny for. Bi Mike is still the victim and Italian is insisting he CANNOT work with a person like that. Jer tries to talk to them as if this were his Broadway show and reminds them that no one got singled out as the one who sucked, so they all need to stop being so defensive and act like maybe they’re past puberty.

Do you not understaaand that heeee was theee most clever caaat eveer?

But who really saves the day? Jason Alexander, of course! He comes up and tells them performer a performer that it’s all about the joy and they can’t get caught up in what may or may not happen. So take two. It’s a bit better but Italian is still rushing on some counts. It’s still a bit awkward. They all give a group hug afterwards in primadonna solidarity.

So let’s finally start the judging already and get one of these fools out of here. Lee Martino says that she liked that they finally came together and Jason Alexander gives more love and cushy sentiments, but Disney Nancy just barges right in and says that none of them are outstanding technically for her. Bi Mike of course is called out for not having the technique, but Vincent compares some of his lines to Fred Astaire’s which seems a bit much, especially when he’s standing next to Mr. Mistoffelees.

The judges expected more from Italian, who in the playback footage was seriously outshined by Bi Mike with his upper body extensions. Bi Mike certainly grabbed the eye and appeared the more confident, masculine performer. It must be the psychedelic drugs he takes. Lee says that they both fall short in the package and therein lies the dilemma.

Mean Gay is dismissed from the stage since he has immunity (Can a person that wins immunity stay out of the elimination group for a change?) and Italian stands there with his arms crossed, defeated already. And then Nomi tricks us! For the first time she says the person’s name who is safe! ARGH! She calls Bi Mike’s first and fools us that the show is over for him. He falls to his knees and Italian waves as if he knew this was coming all along. does his last dance. He says he is a winner in his mom’s eyes.

T.S. Eliot curses you from the grave.

So who thought Bi Mike should go home? Does it seem to anyone else that Italian’s bad attitude lead to his demise? No more accent. I’m sad. Let’s all have a moment of silence for our dear, darling Italian.

There is a future for you in voiceovers.

Okay, next week is different from all the other weeks according to Jer. They go to the seventh circle of hell according to Star Cody. Well that’s what you get for sending Mr. Mistoffelees home. What did you expect?

Love, Lady S.

This always reminds me of me.