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Welcome to the French space disco torture chamber circus. Yeah, I know it’s a lot to take in, but when you’re a modern dancer it’s just another day on the apparatus. How do words really describe the “majesty” of swinging on a giant, silver, atom-inspired structure to Gwen Stefani music anyway? Perhaps the written words will always fall short of such visual magic, but I’ll try though. Believe you me, I will try. On y va, mes amis!
It’s morning at the pegasus apartments and as usual Mean Gay is bitching. Ah, how lovely it is to start the day with the sweet sounds of gay Mexican hateration. It’s a big cosmic joke that Bi Mike is still in his presence. God thinks it’s so much fun to torture Mean Gay with his bad dance technique.
So what’s Bi’s quid pro quo? Um, Bi Mike used to hang out at a dance studio for no apparent reason. After a year the owner told him to start dancing. Yeah, either that or kick him out for creepy loitering. Seriously, was he stalking a girl? My mind is coming up with a lot of unsavory ideas.
And it turns out the whole posse is pretty much in one apartment because the other apartment has been decimated. Now it’s just Straight Nick and Star Cody in one apartment for the two of them. As Nick scrambles his eggs, he calls out the names of the fallen soldiers. Go-go, Hugger, Tovah Doe and Italian. He figures that moving in with him is the best way to get someone eliminated, so he welcomes any new roommates. He does not welcome Star Cody wearing the same color shirt as him.
How would you feel about matching pink though?
Message on the New Sidekick 3. (Message: Product Placement rules.) The dancers are going shopping. Mochi Ball tries to get excited, but everyone knows this is just a red herring. Pain and misery will shortly ensue…if Broadway Nazi Jer has anything to say about it that is!
And..they are going to the mattreses. Har har. A mattress store is site of their audition challenge. And the gang is all there. Nomi, Jer and Jacques Heim, the Norwegian Siegfried! But, alas, he is not Norwegian, nor does he play with white tigers. He is French. And tres whimsical! He says hello to our group by exclaiming, “Bonjour, my little monsters!” Oh, Jacques Heim! Vous etes si mechant.
With my glasses, no one will recognize me as…
…the sexiest blond illusionist of ALL TIME.
He is the choreographer of the CIrque du Soleil show Ka in Las Vegas and also has a company called Diavolo, which uses unique ideas and ways for its performers to interact in their environment. I’ve listed to Jer say that a few times now and still don’t think that means anything. Its a fusion of movement vocabulary, obfuscates Jacques Heim further. Modern dance is so abstract and obtuse or whatever. Although those Cirque du Soleil shows are more acrobatic than anything else, n’est-ce-pas? Jacques Heim is clearly from the circus of the sun.
So now it’s becoming a bit more clear why they are in the mattress store for. Our merry imp of a Frenchman is going to have them improvise a scene with mattresses! They have to use ideas and ways to interact in their environment. Bi Mike says that there are only two things you can do with a mattress. “Sell them and jump on them.” That’s funny, because I would have said there are only two things you can do with a mattress and neither of those crossed my mind.
Jacques Heim un-originally wants to take them out of their comfort zone. Seriously, they hear that song and dance (ha!) every week. You’re going to have to step up your game if you want to shock us, modern dance man. Mattresses and a lack of comfort zone are nothing. Make Mean Gay say something nice about Bi Mike and my head will explode on the spot. Now that would be DIAVALO.
But Jacques Heim is still convinced dancing on mattresses in earth shattering. He wants to see how they’ll “deal with it.” They’ve already had to dance with baseball bats and trash can lids. At this point they’re well-versed in random inanimate objects as props. C’est dommage, petit chou. But Jacques Heim takes mattresses very seriousement.
Je m’en fou. You will keeess thee reengs.
We continue. The group is divided into three groups of two. (Are we down to six already? This show is whipping right along.) Mochi and Mean Gay are a team, Frowny Dude and Bi Mike and Straight Nick and the Star Child. Mochi and Mean Gay are up first and the rest are sent to wait on a street corner.
Here’s the conceit: they are a couple in love! They are buying their first mattress. They want to really find the right mattress for lurvemaking. “Hon-eee bay-beee!” says French Fabio and my heart skips a beat. I love this guy.
Mochi has to pretend to be in love with Mean Gay for two and a half minutes and that’s a long time to have to pretend to be in love with Mean Gay. They are trying out mattresses to consummate their “love”. Uh, I love the Mochi Ball, but an actor she is not. What makes it worse is that they talk their way through it.
Mean Gay thinks he’s totally off-the-wall and avant garde. But is Bi Mike? I’d really like you to weigh in on that. Mean Gay makes the shocking confession that he’s not used to being sexual with a woman. They make innuendo about things being “hard” and clothes come off and if you don’t feel a little uncomfortable, then you probably are visually impaired in some way. Other than that, I think I can speak on behalf of everyone on the planet and say you just witnessed something you wish you never had.
All we need is some glitter confetti falling from the ceiling and a unicorn sheet on the mattress to complete THE GAYEST PICTURE EVER.
Up next are Bi Mike and Frowny Dude, who hasn’t been frowning anymore, so I’d like to change her up to Cheerleader since she seems less of a dancer and more of a over-enthusiastic cheerer. They both come in all forced enthusiasm, especially when Bi Mike goes “I can’t stand not knowing!” and it sounds really desperate. The Frenchman is not going to fall for such ass-kissing. I can tell.
Cheerleader is all “Ooooh” when she hears what that they’re pretending to buy a mattress, like she totally gets it from all her previous mattress dancing experience. Bi Mike says that it’s going to be out of his range. But they actually pull it off better than Mochi and Mean Gay. They don’t talk as much so it already seems more like a dance. They seem more organic and fluid with their movements together. Bi Mike indeed misses the mark conceptually however by saying they tapped into their “inner children”. I think French Fabio wants you to tap somethin’ else, esse.
If your retinas weren’t burned before, try this on for size.
And now for comic relief: Straight Nick has to pretend to be into Star Cody! OMG. He’s straight though, people! If only they kept on their red shirts, they’d be so adorable. Of course Frenchie has to go on and on about how lovey-dovey they have to be just to really get ‘em feeling awkward and it works. Straight Nick says he kept waiting for him to say it was a joke, but you know what? He didn’t. Get to cornholin’, boys!
They actually have dialogue that works though. They take on these fussy gay personas and their timing works well together. Jer is especially loving that. Cody at one point jumps on Nick into a 69 position and both of them are a little startled to suddenly find themselves each with a mouthful of peen. Frenchie, of course, is loving this.
No really, it’s okay, brah. It totally takes me back to my frat house days.
Mouthful of peen. Oh, you are sooo funneeee, Laydee Sensation.
And now everyone just wants to know who won. First group: Mochi, Straight Nick and Star Cody. Second group: Mean Gay, Cheerleader and Bi Mike. But they won’t find out who is up for elimination until tomorrow. But who thinks our wily little French puff pastry has just mixed and matched them and nobody is a winner? I do!
But who can think about such things when there’s bitching to be done? Mean Gay thinks he’s in the elimination group because he’s with Bi Mike. And Star Cody is gonna be pissed if he’s not in the winning group after taking a face full of manhood.
So they tromp on over to the theater where Frenchie is already waiting for them (how did that rascal get there so fast?) with a group of what appears to be humorless Romanian gymnasts. No doubt his Cirque du Soleil dancers.
They are diabetic, so Weeelly Wonka wouldn’t take them.
So also waiting for them on the stage are “apparatuses”, a large staircase and a giant globe strung from the ceiling, which Cheerleader calls right off “an atom”, which it indeed resembles. (I was blown away by her shrewd observation and knowledge of anything scientific, until Ex pointed out that she was interviewed after she heard Jacques Heim call it that. Indeed “atom” is the technical term for the prop and I rescind my cap tipping to Cheerleader.)
Anyway, Jer pops out of a hole in the giant staircase like a little gay whack-a-mole (and Cheerleader calls him weirdo, which is kinda funny) and he informs them that their going to be choreographing a modern dance on these apparatuses for their callback challenge. Welcome to Jacques Heim’s torture chamber! Suck it, Siegfried Fischbacher!
Jer LOVES whack-a-mole!
This challenge is all about innovation and teamwork. They’ll be dancing to the same song and they still don’t know who the winners are. Don’t they know they are all losers in Jacque Heim’s mind? They can never compete with his gang of circus midgets! But he shall enjoy some hearty French chuckles watching them try!
Cody, Nick and Mochi are up for rehearsal first. Jacques Heim says to come up with the beginning pretty quickly because that is the hardest part, and once they have that, things will come together. So Mochi starts talking a mile a minute like she’s revved up on meth-amphetamines, about how Cody and Nick are on a journey and she’s a creature they find and Cody and Nick find her in the staircase and they’re like-OMG! A toy!!–then they’re her big brothers and she just wants to play with them and yeah it makes no sense, but that’s modern dance for ya! Then they find a giant silver ball in the sky and that, you know, ties everything together.
OMG! A crackhead!
Star Cody then says that this style of dance is right down his alley because he gets to show off his athleticism. Isn’t every style of dance Cody’s? Seriously, he doesn’t seemed fazed by anything. Not even street battling! You are a STAH, Cody!
Back at rehearsal though Jacques Heim is pushing and yelling. They aren’t making his atom look good. They have no ending. He lets them know they suck.
…eento your wounds that I inflicted. And rubbing eet around. Take that, Amereecans.
The next group is up and they make the first group look like an amazing circus of freakishly small performers. Cheerleader starts off by asking “What are we trying to prove?” which says it all. How about the dynamic of opening and closing? suggests Mean Gay, which is as good as anything, right? So…Hide and seek! Bi Mike is back tapping that childhood thing again.
Cheerleader is getting lost in the stairs. She feels a bit out of her element working with metaphor and abstract narrative. Bi Mike is also having trouble, so Mean Gay takes it upon himself to just sit on the stairs and tell him how much he sucks. Save that for Frenchie. He can do it with the better accent. Bi Mike says that he hasn’t had as much practice as the other dancers and calls his technique “dusty”. Dusty implies that you had it at some point, friend-o. Your technique is just not there.
Why do you have a giant mallet in your hand?
When they go to the atom, Bi Mike says that he is getting motion sickness, so Mean Gay tells him to live on the stairs. At the end of rehearsal in front of Jacques Heim, Mean Gay gives a rousing soliloquy on how Bi Mike does not have the same abilities that he and the cheerleader have. He’s not pushing his boundaries enough, but Mean Gay is essentially saying he has no boundaries to push. They can’t play around enough with the props with dead weight like him. It seems in really poor form to do in front of the guest judge, but what else do we expect from this beacon of tact and modesty?
And then when they leave, Jacques Heim (which is really fun to say) and his gaggle of Eastern European superstars laugh at them and how they don’t have two minutes of a dance whatsoever. Eeet’s a deeessaaster!
In the chill out room, Mean Gay is on a roll. Bi Mike says that it’s a head game and quite the head game it is. Everyone is getting a headache. He calls him and Cheerleader dolphins and Bi Mike a pig. He says it should just be a duet. And then we get that line where Bi Mike says that he’s still here and Mean Gay snips, “Question of the f*#%ing year.” Bi Mike isn’t my favorite, but I don’t like bullies and I hate how Mean Gay treats him. Especially when he keeps asking, “How do you expect me to look good?” Bi Mike has nothing to do with you looking good, dude.
You got that one all on your own.
The next morning, Mean Gay tries to choreograph something since he knows they only have thirty seconds of a dance prepared. Mean Gay is even ready to suck it up and act like he likes him. Now that would be the performance of the year.
At the theater they find out that indeed everyone is up for elimination. There is no winning group. Jacques Heim indeed thinks you are all losers! Zeut alors! Only Star Cody who won immunity last week is safe. But luckily for them, unlike all the other weeks, they get the morning to rehearse again.
And now in some Bravo synergy, out comes Project Runway winner Jeffrey Sebelia with some ugly space leggings for the dancers. He says they’re supposed to have a “rock and roll” feel, but it’s more “gay disco” feel. Has life been treating you so badly since your last stint on reality tv that you’ve had to make silver lamÃ© track suits for other reality show contestants?
Jeffrey’s next collection will be a collaboration with Project Runway’s Rami Kashou, where they explore the intersection of silver lamÃ© and draping.
So now onto second rehearsal! Mean Gay is ready to go today and Mean Gay’s concepts do save the day. Jacques Heim loves how they’ve come together and they are excited for their choreography.
Next group comes out and doesn’t do as well as yesterday. Mochi Ball can’t reach the atom. She’s frustrated. And then, CRUNCH. She does reach the atom and bangs her knee doing it. She can barely hobble around and this could spell trouble for the A-team. She is rushed to the hospital for x-rays, but all Mochi Ball wants to do is perform! It’s really adorable when Cody carries her. No one wants to do it without her, so Mochi better get her act together.
The line between real life and dance life blurs further as Cody carries Mochi Ball for twenty-four hours straight.
By the way, we’ve never talked about how awesome this “instructional dance” clip is from Loser Talk on the Step It Up bumpers. I know I’m not the only one LMAO when this pops on the screen:
Hey guys, it’s me again. Does my cabbage patch suck? It does, doesn’t it?
I digress. Back in the holding area, everyone is speculating on the Mochi Ball sitch. Star Cody just doesn’t even feel right about performing without her. Mean Gay of course does not feel the same sympathy and is all, “This is a competishiiiinnnnn.”
So diagnosis is Mochi Ball has a contusion, which is basically a bad bruise, swelling and mad pain. But Mochi Ball is a dancer. And to be a dancer is to understand pain in a personal and intimate way. She can totally do it. She announces that she’s still in the game, but Star Cody is all paternal protective our little lioness. He wants her to sit and be carried. He doesn’t want her injury aggravated. And Mochi wants to push through and dance, but loves how considerate Star is. Or he just doesn’t want you to outshine him. Kidding! Star Cody would never do that.
So onto callback performance! Vincent Patterson LOVES this gay space lamÃ© look, because it reminds him of his early nineties heyday at Limelight. James St. James was such a frenemy of his back then.
Just a rainbow and ecstasy pill away from the best Ziggy Stardust interpretation ever!
The A-team is up first and Mochi Ball is putting on her game face. And, WTF? They’re dancing to “The Sweet Escape” by Gwen Stefani? Only Frenchie would think this is a good song selection. Do they ever get to rehearse with the song? Anyway, the performance looks fine even with Mochi not at full strength. Star Cody looks amazing, Mochi Ball looks adorable and injury-free, and Straight Nick does what he does best: blends in.
Hey, I’m in this, too!
And we go right into the next performance. Dolphin #1 looks like an astral disco cheerleader. Dolphin #2 looks like he got lost on the way to the Pride Parade. And the pig just looks happy to not have been vomited on by a giant lamÃ© spewing creature. There’s a lot of running around in circles. And I mean that literally AND figuratively.
Surf and Turf: The interpretive dance
The other team comes out and it’s time for a mass judging. The dolphin and the pig are up first and their dynamic is up for discussion. And suddenly the pig runs to hug the dolphin? Huh? Now it’s an inter-species lovefest? But was it really, asks Jacques Heim? Mon dieu! If that was love, he knows nothing about it! Oh, Jacques Heim, my love for you continues to grow!
‘When pigs fly’ works on several levels here.
You know what, says Mean Gay, our relationship is up and down. Huh? That shit is about as low as you can go. Bi Mike says that he just rolled over and took it and things got a lot better. Spoken like a true bottom. Atta boy.
The French Lover Honee Baybee thinks Cheerleader needs more technique and isn’t connected to her center. You have to understand l’amour for that. Disney Nancy also thought she struggled with this challenge. She even calls her a cheerleader. Whatevs, you heard it here first. Everyone thinks she made the movement look harder than it was, which is the worst thing you can do as a dancer. Eve ryone thought Mean Gay did well, but thought that Bi Mike didn’t really get it. He interpreted “freedom” to just mean run in circles. Lack of training is clear.
Isn’t “Diavolo” French for cheerleading or something?
Now onto the A-team. Star Cody was breathtaking according to Vincent Patterson. Yah he is. Mochi takes some heat from Jacques Heim though. He thinks that she has “great ideas” and that she dances beautifully, but he totally has a French cow over the fact that she cut phrases due to her injury. Seriously he goes off on her “little bruise” and Mochi Ball breaks down crying Tovah Doe style. She needs to buck up. Frenchie tells us that he performed with broken ribs, broken toes and broken fingers. Really? That must have looked like shit.
Cody tries to take the heat and say that he told her to hold back. (Aw. Star Cody becomes more loveable all the time.) But French Fabio is not having it. She is the dancer so she is responsible for her choices. And the reason is riding her so hard is because she is AWESOME!
You are zee perfect size to bee in my circus of small acrobats!
So Straight Nick got a little better for the judges and added some chocolate chips to his vanilla ice cream he serves up each week, but he still needs to step it up. And Vincent just tells him to scream real loud once. The rest of the A-team plugs their ears and he lets loose. What was the point of that you ask? Well, that was a metaphor, my friends. Vincent was trying to make an analogy for what Nick’s body wants to do. Then he talks about dancing in a commercial and it loses its poignancy.
So who is the winner? It’s between Mean Gay and Cody. Cody is well-rounded and strong and has great tricks. Mean Gay dances with his whole heart on his sleeve. And then the clip that they show to exemplify “dancing with your heart on your sleeve” is HILARY. It looks like a queen drowning in plywood. I watch it several times.
“Dancing with your heart on your sleeve” a lot like “dancing with no dignity”.
Bottom two are Bi Mike and Cheerleader. Bi Mike doesn’t have the training. Cheerleader is a cheerleader. Disney Nancy could get rid of either of them and sleep well at night.
But first the winner. WInner is Star Cody who at least doesn’t pretend to be surprised this time. When he trots to the wings, Jer tells him that he guessed it. Jer LOVES Star Cody.
Then Mean Gay, Mochi Ball and Straight Nick are dismissed leaving Dolphin Cheerleader and Piggy Bi Mike left standing. The judges don’t know if Bi Mike can handle all these new styles of dance that are coming up. Will he sink or swim? Bi Mike makes a swim hand motion, but he’s a pig not a dolphin! What’s he thinking? The judges think that Cheerleader made the choreography look hard and choppy, which is a cardinal sin. And once again Nomi calls the safe person first. Cheerleader is in it for another week.
Mean Gay is suddenly all sweet to Bi Mike now that he’s on his way out the door, but adds that it was his time to go. Bi Mike does his last dance and tells us he walks away as a champion within himself.
Maybe if I use another pointless prop, they’ll call me back in.
Next week looks like ballroom dance and Mean Gay cries in Spanish. I watch that clip over and over too.
Okay, I’m off to do magical elf things. See y’all next week.
Love, Lady S.