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Reunited and it feels so gay.
Gang. I know. This recap could not be any later. In my defense I’ve been out of town since last Thursday night and then my friend was visiting from out of town until yesterday. All signs pointed to me having that thing they call “a life”, and it was confusing for me, too. I promise nothing that wild and out of character will happen again. I find it all just as unsettling as you do. But luckily we had the most exciting episode since Rob Hottie came and our dancers street battled! For me, at least, it was worth the wait. The eliminated dancers returned for a spicy salsa fiesta and one of them is here to stay! Read on to find out who is rocking my world yet again…
So it’s challenge number seven! Moving right along. Mochi is talking about how supportive her family is and Mean Gay is bitching. Just another morning at Pegasus. Did you know that he’s Mexican and he was not supported as a dancer because it’s not macho? Poor Mean Gay. Life is hard.
But I have the manliest limp wrist in all of West Hollywood. I don’t get it.
And now Nick foraying into the world of loser talk. He tells us that he lost his love for dance somewhere along the way as a professional dancer and he hoped this competition would spark that flame. And guess what. It hasn’t. Stay tuned to find out what happens in this tepid romance.
So our group goes to their studio and if you hadn’t noticed it now is draped in Mexican blankets and adorned with sombreros on the wall. Our dancers definitely don’t notice.
Cinco de Gayo.
Nomi and Jer and two mysterious guests are waiting for them. Nomi announces that this is Latin week! And to demo, pechangas a little move with our choreographer this week Jordi Caballero. (I’m sure she practiced saying his name for ten minutes before camera time, and she still mispronounced it.)
Also flanking our choreographer is a darling little latin nymph, Vai, who will stand in as the third girl during rehearsal since we are down to three boys and two girls. Jordi es MUY pasionante about today’s dance challenge! There’s going to be lifts and drops! It’s going to be Sabado Gigante!
Mean Gay thinks this is gonna be perfect for him because he can prove Latin men do dance, but his BFF Cheerleader is not happy about this challenge. She doesn’t do partner work, nor does she do Latin dancing. She insists someone wants her to go home. That would be me! Unfortunately though, I’m not in charge of challenges, so I can’t take all the credit. I have magical elf cronies working behind the scenes at Bravo.
They are going to learn a salsa number and have an hour and fifteen for Jose to see what they got. And they’re going to mix it up so they won’t get too comfortable with any one person. Let’s begin! Our salsa number has a story! It’s a cat and mouse game between a man and a woman.
And then you beat the mouse with a stick at the end. Beating mice is el machismo grande.
It’s Latin! It’s hot! Jose yells! And this is of course, Straight Nick’s Achilles heel. How can we expect a frat boy to feel the red-blooded sensuality of the Latin dance? Let’s put him with Cheerleader and have a laugh.
He asks them if they can do a basic salsa and they can. But don’t let any false confidence build! Jordi will beat you with that stick yet.
So far so good for Mochi Ball though. Her knee is holding up a-ok. All signs point to being back to normal physically. She’s like a little video game character that just found a magical mushroom to give her back full strength. Go Mochi Ball!
But enough with the success stories, now they have to learn the most complicated looking lift yet. The girl goes at an angle over the shoulder of her partner and then gets rolled down the man’s body like a window shade until she almost face plants. The dancers gasp in horror. Like so:
Macho man throws mouse to show who is El Jefe.
Play with mouse to show who is El Machismo.
Mouse is dead.
Cheerleader is stressing over this. Mochi Ball on the other hand is loving the the flavor. She can’t wait to show how full strength she is. Jordi loves that she throws a clap at the end. That’s how much she is feeling the flavor. She can’t even contain hand clapping.
Jordi is looking for musicality, acting and bringing the story together from our dancers. He wants “El Sabor!” Mean Gay nods his head like crazy at that. He totally gets “el sabor”. He totally gets “el ritmo”. He totally loves Gloria Estefan.
So now for The Audition. Of course Jordi wants to see Mochi Ball and Cody go first, since the are the Stahs. And then the craziest thing happens to our Mexican Jumping Bean Mochi. She blanks entirely. Right before she comes up, she mentions to Cody she is blanking on a move. Jordi says that they have to just GO since this is an audition. No time to check in with your partner, who is just a cat going to taunt and kill you anyway. Andele, Mochi Ball!
Then it gets worse for her. Right when she starts she blanks within the first five moves. What is happening to Star Cody’s other half? Is her brain in her knee? It’s awkward. She wants to ask questions but the time for questions is over. Ay! Jordi says he’s been there too, but this is what he has to judge. Una vez mas? “MUSICA!” orders Jordi. He must be Spanish because it always sounds like “MOOTHICA!” I am rooting for our petit Mochi Ball and it’s hard to see her flounder.
You ate too many magical mushrooms. Game over.
The Latin nymph pipes up that Star Cody is a star and she should hitch her wagon to it. Cody leads her more through it on their second run through and they pull it off, though her confidence is gone and you can see it. Mean Gay and Cheerleader are in the corner quietly gloating and Cheerleader is using the extra moments to practice. NO ME GUSTA. Mochi knows she was brain fried.
Lose 10,000 points and special Cheerleader tazer.
Mean Gay and Cheerleader are up and Mean Gay says that they are amazing together because they have a “delicious sensuality”. A bitchy queen and a husky cheerleader have smoldering chemistry?
Mochi Ball gets called up again to work with Straight Nick and he’s nervous about her turning everything she touches to shit today. He of course says that anything that goes wrong will be blamed on her. He also reminds us that he is too manly to emote when he dances.
And now it’s time for the verdict. And Jordi gets literary on us. That poetic Latin soul. He is going to rank the dancers and today Mochi Ball had the classic definition of “tragedy”. A reversal of fortune! She went from the top to the bottom! It’s Shakespearean people. Or video game like.
So after Mochi, Nick is 4th because he lacked passion. Nick says he is mentally breaking down with this constant critique. Third is Cheerleader because she doesn’t have a center and all over the place, which is what the judges have been hollerin for a while. Maybe she’ll start mentally breaking down, too. Cody was, of course, strong, but lacked the Latin sabor.
Mean Gay’s Latin flavor shined, but is he really a STAH? Of course not. Cody is numero uno. So what does this ranking mean, pray tell? Well, basically it means this is the order they get to pick their partners in. BUT, surprise! They won’t be picking each other. They will be picking…the LOSERS as partners!! I’m in heaven. The whole parade of past Step It Uppers march in and everyone loses it. And we have everyone but Go-go: Adriana, Loser Talk, Hugger, Italian, Tovah Doe and Bi Mike. So of course Hugger is all over it.
I’m not naming names, but someone in the back wants a cuddle puddle…
Jer breaks it up and they line up on two sides like they’re going to play red rover. We learn that they’ll each be performing three styles of dance: salsa, tango and flamenco. So they need to pick the partner that’s going to make them look the best.
We get a fun little exchange where Cody whispers to Mean Gay that he can have Tovah Doe and that he’ll take Loser Talk (who I’m just delighted to see personally) so Mean Gay can have a dancer more his height and a dancer that didn’t leave him on stage. Mean Gay is of course all, you don’t have to, do what you want. And would you really help out Mean Gay? There’s a suspenseful pause as Star Cody is genuinely torn, and then of course Star Cody chooses Tovah Doe. It’s kind of a beautiful smack in the face.
That’s what your face looked like as I was smacking it.
Mean Gay now doesn’t trust Star Cody. He needs to just own up to the fact that he’s in it to win it instead of playing everyone’s BFF. True that. Don’t fall from grace, Stah. I like you on that pedestal. Mean Gay picks Loser Talk. He’d rather be with the girl who ran off stage then the girl eliminated first. And she does have the potential to be Baby Gazelle. Let her be your Baby Gazelle! At least let her bust that HAWesome instructional cabbage patch.
Loser Talk is overjoyed that Mean Gay picked her. So overjoyed that she sprints across and mauls him with affection. I am LOVING this soap opera of a selection. But you know who doesn’t give a rat’s ass? Everyone else:
So how ’bout that paint drying over there?
Cheerleader picks Hugger because they got hated on in the Apache and she wants to show the judges that they can suck twice. To underscore, Hugger said he farted when she called his name.
Straight Nick is with Adriana (Seriously. Who?) and she jumps on him, too, like he had a choice in the matter and he picked her over Nomi Malone.
Mochi Ball is last and it’s down to Bi Mike and Italian…She picks Italian! Yay! But it turns out Bi Mike has a background in salsa and tango so he could have helped someone. But…nobody cares.
The feeling is mutual.
And the temperature is rising! We learn that it’s also a competition for the rejects. Whoever is the strongest out of the five of them gets to return FOR GOOD. I guess producers added this since we were shortchanged a week with Go-go leaving early? The crowd is shocked. I am ecstatic.
Now I can leave your ass twice on stage. Sucka.
They have a group number that will feature each couple in solos. And Mochi is not doing so well after her mental meltdown. The eliminatees are all fresh in body, mind and spirit and she is faltering physically and mentally. No, Mochi Ball, no! I will not allow this to happen. You shall make it to the end of the level and get special bonus points for being so cute.
By the way, the latin nymph does not feel the surge of emotions that I do. That bitch is totally phoning it in. I want to see some passion!
The group has four and a half hours to learn the moves, which seems like a lot, but with partners it makes things more difficult. And now it’s time for the hardest lift since the last one. “Death-defying partnering stunt” as Mean Gay puts it. The guy has to lift the girl all the way up, arms fully extended with the girl horizontal in a second split. The possibility for a face plant here is also high. And the fall a lot farther. Therefore the potential for awesomeness is high.
More Queen meets Jock “deliciousness”.
Cheerleader is bitching that it’s not her “genre”, which she does every week now and is also hating on Tovah Doe’s legs. She wants to cut them off and put them on her body. If I’d been able to have my normal amount of recap time I would have photoshopped that image for you and it would have ruled. Just know that that’s how much I love you guys and I’m sad you don’t get to experience my Cheerleader with Tovah Doe legs photoshop art.
Straight Nick tells us that he feels he’s next in line to go. He also can’t believe that he cares this much. A real true artist doesn’t care. Yeah, that’s what makes people stand out. Their complete dedication to apathy. Cody encourages him to find something that makes him unique from the other dancers. I got it. His lack of passion! Run with it, Straight Nick. Run with it all the way to your final dance. He’s like an abstract painting that not everyone loves. Does anyone else hear the tiniest violin in the world playing?
And that violin is getting louder by the second. Now we get the scene that filled me with such bemusement last week. The sobbing-in-EspaÃ±ol scene where Mean Gay tells his mom about his “miedo” and Cheerleader strokes his hair and wipes his tears. He was wants to ganar and blah blah blah. What a baby.
Yo quiero ser macho, mama. Pero me encanta las unicornas. No puedo ayudarlo.
Oh it’s good to have the gang back! Tovah Doe is tucking Italian in bed, and Italian is saying “in your faaayaaace” in his gay Euro accent. I’m loving life.
Next day in the dressing room, the world begins spinning for Loser Talk. And no, she’s not just joining the rest of us, she has like vertigo or equilibrium problems or a bad case of the losery talk and can’t compete. Better run off before you go on stage than during. Loser Talk runs off to the hospital leaving Mean Gay with a shit sitiuation once again. Now I’m a huge fan of our resident Cabbage Patch instructor, but I’ll be the first to say that bitch needs a new shtick.
But Jer is ready with the encouragement and has his own abandoned-by-his-partner story to tell about his days of touring with West Side Story. Jer LOVES musical broadway stories.
It’s just a stitch turning around to find out that your partner is offstage @#(#*$%&@ the director’s @#(*%&.
Jordi’s solution to this is to double up on Mochi Balls yet again. They will run the number twice. The first time Mochi will do it with Italian, second time with Mean Gay. They begin to rehearse in front of everyone and within minutes Mean Gay is accusing her of “smirking” at him. Huh? And then his reaction to the smirk is to drop her on her ass. Awkward. Everyone is watching and doesn’t know what to say. Except for Italian! Italian knows machismo.
He steps right in to defend his woman. Mean Gay does NOT know how to treat a lady. He can barely find the words in English, but it makes it all the more meaningful. Come on though. Mean Gay thought he and Cheerleader had palpable sensuality when they danced. He’s a little clueless. Mochi Ball finally lets loose and tells Mean Gay not to be defensive and Mean Gay gets defensive. He wants to do the routine as a soloist. And so it will be!
And it’s judging time. Our panel is reintroduced and we get the announcement that Loser Talk has an inner ear inflammation and won’t be able to perform. I have no idea what that means, but I’m sure it’s something she got from Mean Gay’s quiet intimidation to her. I bet he called her a pig carcass, too. Ah, the dream of Baby Gazelle was nice while it lasted.
So four and a half hours with Hugger and Cheerleader has grokked him entirely. She’s snapping her fingers and talking like a homo and bobbing and weaving her head. Meh. Go home. Your mirrors are waiting for you in the garage.
I’ll show that ottoman who’s boss, too.
And let El Baile begin! The faces are muy caliente. Everyone is genuinely fighting for their life. Dare I say they are feeling “el sabor”. Mean Gay sticks out without a partner pretty badly to me. Tovah Doe finally looks like she has some fire under her pants. And Mochi Ball and Italian appear to do the best in the lift and at everything else in general. Mochi Ball definitely found an extra life coin somewhere.
And now solos: Tovah and Star Cody look amazing. Tovah Doe does have some stunning gams.
Cheerleader plots extreme leg transplant surgery from the back row.
Mean Gay again looks out of place.
I don’t need your music either. I’ll make my own by slapping my thigh.
Straight Nick and Adriana are solid, but a bit unmemorable. Mochi Ball and Italian look amazing. Our two gays dudes reprise the lift.
Apache Two: Butch Boogaloo
As soon as the number is complete, Nomi yells that it was Caliente!! HOT HOT HOT!! She explains in case you have never heard the word “caliente” before. So immediately out come the former rejectees. And Jordi loved the returning dancers. He can’t believe some of these people were eliminated. He thought Adriana gave it 1,000 percent. Vincent also thought she did a good job. Hugger was a happy dancer, but still needs to work on the technique. Jordi says that he is “joy” personified. In American we call that “flaming” personified.
And the accolades just continue. Italian is Jordi’s dream dancer. Disney Nancy thought he was a complete stud muffin and loved how he stayed in character. Vincent said his stag leap could have been on the cover of Dance magazine. Yay! All signs point to a triumphant return. When Vincent says they were flawless we get a cutaway
to a very excited Mochi.
Magical mushrooms! Wheeee!
Italian even adds that if he were straight he would marry her she is so gorgeous. And now I feel I would have to fight off Mochi for Italian and fight off Italian for Mochi. There’s a lot going on. And speaking of beauty, Tovah Doe’s extensions, too, were worthy of a magazine cover. Of course her highest praise is how gorgeous she is, Halle Berry look-alike and all. Must be tough.
So who to bring back? Suddenly everybody is back in the good graces. They reiterate the things they told the contenders. Hugger and Adriana are still out, though, and it’s between Tovah Doe and Italian. Side-by-side yet again! Vincent tells Tovah Doe that he wanted to be up there with her and Disney Nancy calls Italian Stud Muffin again. That may be his new name.
AND..ITALIAN IS BACK!!!! I mean, STUD MUFFIN IS BACK!!! I actually scream with joy and I am embarrassed for myself even though I’m the only one in the room.
EYE AM A WEEENER FOR MAMA!
So after that joyful affirmation of life, now it’s time for an elimination. The five remaining dancers come out and get their inner ears inflamed. The judges think Mean Gay did great without a partner. He was an “Edward Scissorhands” cutting through the space. Clean lines like a surgeon. Of course he has to bring up his father and machismo, and the weird intersection of Latin dancing and then not being allowed to dance as a person of Latin descent. I’m still not getting that paradox.
And Mochi totally redeemed herself! Whoa! and Wow!, say our picky crowd. She steamed up Vincent’s glasses and stole the show. She also gives kudos to Stud Muffin and even points out that he did her hair. Looks like someone’s got a new partner, Star Cody. And I got a couple to break up.
Cheerleader is told she had great energy, but she struggled with the lifts. The female should be able to execute the lifts on her own. Star Cody’s performance was cold. They call him a “rock” which is good and bad. He’s solid but inaccessible. Straight Nick was a “buttered biscuit” according to Disney Nancy and is starting to show emotional dimension. And for Jordi, he showed some solid acting. Straight Nick can now be Biscuit. Another show I recap with a Biscuit!
And now who wins? It comes down to Mean Gay and Mochi Ball. And…Finally! She defeats the Troll and can advance to Level Eight!
The fire graphics on this game are so 1994.
So who is going to go? With Cody we did not see the sabor, but in the rehearsal he was the best. A-ha! Another reversal of fortune. This show is epic. And then we have Cheerleader is not linked with the group. Please. Cody is not going home. And he isn’t! They’re actually both safe. Nomi said someone would come back but she never said anyone would be going home…tricky Nomi yet again. It wouldn’t be fair to replace them with someone who’s been eliminated, which had crossed my mind as well. So the gang’s all here!
And nobody has a final dance tonight. So we’re just left with some clips for next week. On the rooftop with umbrellas? More Mary Poppins shit? Ah, well. Magical elves like the whimsy of Disney classics.
Still practically perfect in every way.
Alright, ladies and gents. Thanks for being so patient. Again I apologize for the tardiness. Next week I’ll be back waiting for you after the weekend as usual. So is everyone else as excited to see Stud Muffin Italian back as I am? Life on this show is good.
xoxo, Lady S.